A pattern of tension-driving us crazy

[Thinkalot]

My husband and I love each other a lot. No doubt about that. We married in April and have been together about 4 years now.

 

But we do argue, and it seems to go in cycles. When things are bad, they sort of stay that way for a while, until we manage to break the cycle of tension, snapping, snapping back, arguing, fighting for control etc. We KNOW what we do wrong, and while that self-analysis is helpful at times, other times it doesn't mean we actually put into practice things that will make it better. We are too emotional, too angry, too caught in the moment.

 

We are in a bad cycle of tension. We both want peace and to be friends, and yet out tumble the angry words. My husband gets personal too, swears, name-calls, yells. For my part, I tend to go on at him when he asks for space, and pick on little things.

 

Neither of us is right. We share the blame here.

 

It just drives me crazy when it's like this!!!! Driving into work today, I felt so angry with him, and also so upset. He felt the same, and just kept shouting at me to shut up, or swearing. I would try and say something anyway...which would get another outburst from him.

 

At the end we looked at each other, and said "can we just be friends and have some peace?" We plan talking tonight to try and resolve a few things.

We both fear more of the same, but hope to be on our best behaviour.

 

Can any of you relate? Did you find any solutions that actually work in practice? (we have lots that sound great in theory, but apparently neither of us are capable of implementing them when it counts).

 

When things are good, the good cycle also lasts for a while, with all that goodness breeding more happiness and so on. Then, things seem the best ever. I just wish it could stay that way, or at least not dip so low.

[Outcast]

but apparently neither of us are capable of implementing them when it counts

 

That's your problem. You have to find out ways to do it. Have you tried hypnosis yet? Perhaps one or both of you can be hypnotized into NOT reacting the way you react.

 

It takes two to fight and if neither of you can manage to be the one to walk out/ take a breather/ shut your trap until you both calm down there's nothing else to be done.

[Thinkalot]

You're so right. I know. I need to learn to shut up...to not have to be right or prove a point. I do well for a while, then just snap. My husband needs to learn to react without using anger or swearing too.

 

We'll get there. I really just needed to vent this morning.

 

Feeling calmer again now. We are just so human sometimes.

[Mz. Pixie]

As Dr. Phil would say, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

 

True, there are things that are worth going to the wall about, but actually there are few things.

 

Things like the toilet seat and the like are just not that important.

 

One thing that I think is important and that is to learn to fight the correct way. Getting personal and swearing is so disrespectful and it's hard to take back those insults. I'd look into a book about how to fight effectively. Yes, wierd, but they are out there. I took a communication in marriage class during my first marriage and it helped alot.

[bluechocolate]

One thing that I think is important and that is to learn to fight the correct way. Getting personal and swearing is so disrespectful and it's hard to take back those insults. I'd look into a book about how to fight effectively.

 

It takes two to fight and if neither of you can manage to be the one to walk out/ take a breather/ shut your trap until you both calm down there's nothing else to be done.

 

This is precisely what I was thinking. Yelling, swearing & personal insults are a big no-no & you two should implement a rule whereby it is not allowed. If it comes to that, leave the room, go for a walk - the worse thing you can do is rise to the bait. If he can't restrain himself, lead by example.

[johan]

What do you fight about anyway? Is it just bickering? Is it about important stuff? Are you nagging him? Is he being lazy around the house?

 

Or maybe it's about all the guys who are trying to get you away from him?

 

I think the answer that works is going to depend on the types of fights you're having.

[Jas]

Hey thinkalot,

 

Whenever I read your posts, I am shocked by how much we have in common w/ our relationship struggles. Among other things, the offensive things said by our fellas are one of them. My fiancé will tell me to shut-up, insult me, swear and act like such a child when I'm simply trying to get some understanding. I've made it very clear that it is a huge issue for me and makes the fight seem so much worse. I can handle fighting - but I can't handle feeling like he suddenly hates me, you know?

 

I'm sure you've explained to him how much his unthoughtful words hurt you, so, what I would suggest is that you guys come up with some way to prevent things from getting to that level of anger with each other. If you sense things will get intense, one of you should INSIST on taking 15-30 minutes to cool off before you continue. The important thing is to follow through with this and return when you say you will. This will hopefully calm things down a bit and keep him in a position where he can take responsibility for what he says.

 

I don't understand men sometimes. My guy says he doesn't hate me when he lashes out, and doesn't understand how I feel that way, he's just angry...pssht, whatever!

 

Good luck.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks everyone. We appear to be back on the upswing now, so let the good times roll...

 

as for the advice, it's all excellent and I appreciate the support.

And yep, it can be hurtful and destructive for both of us.

Especially the insults

 

As for what we fight about...oddly- not big things. Small things. Things we shouldnt fight about. Maybe I will come in tired and so is he. I will pick on something small he hasnt done. He'll get angry that I picked and snap at me. I'll get angry with him for getting angry when i was just pointing something out. He'll get angrier and ask me to shut up. I'll get upset.

 

and so on. It's more a problem of how we communicate than big issues of disagreement if that makes sense.

 

We are getting there...and better than we used to be. I guess we arent perfect, never will be, and these episodes will keep happening. If we can keep reducing the heat that would be great.

 

Meantime I'll vent here. I think often he asks for space, but does so in an angry way. I SHOULD leave it then, but so often i dont. I get upset and emotional and push for resolution.

 

I think if i could learn to walk away, even if I havebeen wronged somehow (asusming its nothing huge) we'd be much better off.

 

of course, i do walk away sometimes...but not all the time.

[whichwayisup]

And yep, it can be hurtful and destructive for both of us.

Especially the insults

 

Each of you must set up boundries and respect. DO not cross that line and definately no name calling, disrespecting eachother and swearing. This is the cause of alot of hurt and negative feelings that take a long time to heal. Is it worth it?? I mean, in the heat of the moment to get it out, sure, ok...But, at the end of it all, when ya realize what's been said, ya can't take that back. Ouch. (Not specifically talking about you, also including your hubby in the picture here too.)

 

As for what we fight about...oddly- not big things. Small things. Things we shouldnt fight about. Maybe I will come in tired and so is he. I will pick on something small he hasnt done. He'll get angry that I picked and snap at me. I'll get angry with him for getting angry when i was just pointing something out. He'll get angrier and ask me to shut up. I'll get upset.

and so on. It's more a problem of how we communicate than big issues of disagreement if that makes sense.

 

Again, this comes down to respecting eachother and also in this case, letting go of ego. Those little things are just not worth reacting over and fighting about...That only feeds the negative feelings and the ego as someone has to lose and someone has to be the winner...Not a healthy pattern to get into.

 

We are getting there...and better than we used to be. I guess we arent perfect, never will be, and these episodes will keep happening. If we can keep reducing the heat that would be great.

 

When you feel that happening, walk away...Talk to him and just say we both need some space to cool off and when we both feel good again, we'll talk about it nicely and listen to eachother.

 

Meantime I'll vent here. I think often he asks for space, but does so in an angry way. I SHOULD leave it then, but so often i dont. I get upset and emotional and push for resolution.

 

He IS telling you, in his own way, angry or not...But not the way you want him to. Remember men are so different than us women...They think and handle things one way. When they're ready to talk, they'll talk...If ya push too much they clam up! SO, give him some space, let him work it out inside his head and I'm sure by you allowing him some time, he'll come and talk to you in a better frame of mind. The more you get upset and push, the more he'll get mad and not talk. Try not to get upset and take it the wrong way. He does love you and is trying in his own way...Look for the little things he does that makes you happy and compliment him about it all. To him, those little things count and even though it may/may not be what you expect of him, he's still doing something.

 

I think if i could learn to walk away, even if I havebeen wronged somehow (asusming its nothing huge) we'd be much better off.

 

of course, i do walk away sometimes...but not all the time.

 

Marriage counselling could help too, not too sure if you both are willing to go that route. To learn how to communicate, open up and really listen, hear what the other person has to say...

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for the wise advice. I think you are spot on.

 

We have had counselling in the past...and we did get better. Now we do well for periods of time, then lapse and have a bad patch...then get back on track.

Crucial to our success in my opinion, in fixing our communication, is me being able to walk away or be quiet when he asks me too..even if he doesnt ask me in the best way possible. we discussed that last night.

 

and yes, he does many great things. Helps around the house, and with the cooking, does little romantic things...listens to me whinge about work etc etc. cuddles says he loves me.... and we agree on all thebig stuff.

 

so please wish me luck in finding the inner strength and control to walk away when every impulse is screaming at me to stay and argue or resolve it there and then. I can do it!

[Chimerical]

This sounds a lot like my relationship!

 

I found this to somewhat help me. I spent 4 hours repeating them over in my head so that when I sat down to "talk" with him while we were fighting I wouldn't automatically revert to my normal behavior. I still lapse a lot though.

 

1.) He comes first

(I have to trust in the fact that he wants what is best for me, and for us. Otherwise I get bogged down in "who's right/who's wrong". We both want to make this relationship work, I have to trust that.)

 

2.) Always, always ask clarifying questions.

(I have a tendency to jump to conclusions which are almost always the wrong conclusions. Or I make assumptions. ie. he doesn't love me. etc.)

 

3.) Be open minded.

(Easier said then done. This is to remind myself to look at the situation from his view point. Just because I don't think something is a big deal, it may be one to him.)

 

We already have rules in place for cool down periods, etc. We agreed from the beginning that if one of us is too hot headed, we ask for a time out. It is the responsibility of the person who called the time out, to bring the topic up again when they are more level headed.

 

And our biggest problem right now is when he asks for space. I push. "What's wrong?", "Are you mad at me?", "What'd I do?"... until finally he snaps and lists a ton of things I've done, or haven't done. He's already in a bad mood, and I'm nagging him. But I get hung up thinking he must be upset with me if he doesn't want me around him. Then I obsess about it. It's really hard for me to just accept he needs some space and find something else to do. I'm working on it though, and it's getting better little by little. Sometimes I'm sucessful, sometimes I'm not.

 

Anyway, these are just my suggestions.

[Thinkalot]

They are great suggestions- especially the part about trusting that he wants whats best for me/us....rather than disputing who is right and wrong.

we also discussed both trying to think of the other first more, rather than getting into a pretty selfish style of fight.

 

good luck to you too!