Moving away to forget his infidelity. Is it a good idea?

[want2ignore]

I caught my husband on our own bed with his student few months ago. I still couldn’t believe he did that. I know our relationship is not at its best right now and the sex drive has been low on my mind but that doesn’t give him a free pass to cheat on me. Let alone with his student. Us Colombian women are very loving and caring of our husbands and families but I can’t find the heart to forget about what he did. We’ve been seeing a marriage counselor to try and fix our marriage. I can see him trying so hard to make our relationship work. So it didn’t come as a surprise to me when he suggested moving to Boston so we could start over. I didn’t give him my answer just yet. I’m not sure if moving will help. People who have been in this position, does it really help to move away? What about the kids? Will it do good for them to get uprooted?

[ExpatInItaly]

I mean, it will take you out of the environment in which the cheating occurred but the real problem (him) is going to move with you. So, no, it likely won't be as effective as you hope. It will temporarily relieve the immediate reminders but the underlying mistrust and pain won't disappear with a geographic move.

 

We don't know your family dynamic so we can't really speculate about the children. How old are they? Are they in school? How far away is Boston from where you are now?

[d0nnivain]

Whether you live in your present house or you live in Boston, he will still have cheated.

 

However, him suggesting moving to me is a concrete effort on his part to extricate himself from the temptation and to give your marriage a fresh start. It's a positive sign. Do you want to live in Boston? Can he get a job there? What do you think you need to get past this?

[BaileyB]

I would move to Boston, to have a fresh start without my husband...

 

Seriously, having sex with a student in my own bed is just not something that I could forgive or forget. In my mind, that shows very poor judgment and a total lack of respect for you. I'm assuming that he is a teacher and the student was younger... If that is the case, what he did is an abuse of authority and demonstrates a significant character flaw. I just don't think I could stay in the marriage, regardless of how remorseful he says that he is...

 

I don't think it will help if you move away. The memory of the betrayal will stay with you, wherever you go.

 

I'm sorry.

Edited September 3, 2018 by BaileyB

[preraph]

Why does he want to move to Boston? In my opinion, if you have family and friends where you are, do not move somewhere with him that will put you isolated from all your other support. Why make a big move with someone at a crisis point in your relationship? Moving to Boston won't stop him from cheating. Don't do it. It will only remove your family and friend support. He has some other reason he wants to move there. It could even be some woman he's fallen in love with online or something.

[BaileyB]

Why does he want to move to Boston? In my opinion, if you have family and friends where you are, do not move somewhere with him that will put you isolated from all your other support. Why make a big move with someone at a crisis point in your relationship? Moving to Boston won't stop him from cheating. Don't do it. It will only remove your family and friend support.

 

Good point. I had a friend who did this - the marriage was rocky, her husband got a job in a new city and he wanted a "fresh start." They thought that the move would be good for their family... Well, they built a big new house and separated before they could even move into the house. Now, she is stuck in a city where she does not want to live - she can not leave because of the children. Nobody is happy, she and the kids miss their friends and family. They have all been in counselling... They left all their support when their family was in crisis and it's taken them years to recover.

 

ETA, if you ask my friend, she will now say that moving when her family was in crisis was the biggest mistake she has ever made. She is basically waiting it out, until her youngest reaches the age of majority, when she can move back home...

Edited September 3, 2018 by BaileyB

[bathtub-row]

Whether you live in your present house or you live in Boston, he will still have cheated.

 

However, him suggesting moving to me is a concrete effort on his part to extricate himself from the temptation and to give your marriage a fresh start. It's a positive sign. Do you want to live in Boston? Can he get a job there? What do you think you need to get past this?

 

Unless the student he had the affair with is also moving to Boston.

 

OP, it’s been my experience that any time a man wants to uproot your life, it’s to get you off familiar ground and put you in a strange setting where he can exert more power over you.

 

I agree with the other post. Him bringing that girl to your home and your bed is completely disrespectful. I’m sorry you have kids with this man but I would think long and hard about moving. His motives toward you, so far, don’t bode well.

[want2ignore]

I mean, it will take you out of the environment in which the cheating occurred but the real problem (him) is going to move with you. So, no, it likely won't be as effective as you hope. It will temporarily relieve the immediate reminders but the underlying mistrust and pain won't disappear with a geographic move.

 

We don't know your family dynamic so we can't really speculate about the children. How old are they? Are they in school? How far away is Boston from where you are now?

 

We live in California now. So it's really a new environment for everyone. The kids are in school, yes. Our daughter is 15 y.o. and our son is 8 y.o

 

Whether you live in your present house or you live in Boston, he will still have cheated.

 

However, him suggesting moving to me is a concrete effort on his part to extricate himself from the temptation and to give your marriage a fresh start. It's a positive sign. Do you want to live in Boston? Can he get a job there? What do you think you need to get past this?

 

Yes, he can. He was already offered the position before and recently after the incident. A part of me wants to think he's using the opportunity to escape his mistake.

 

I would move to Boston, to have a fresh start without my husband...

 

Seriously, having sex with a student in my own bed is just not something that I could forgive or forget. In my mind, that shows very poor judgment and a total lack of respect for you. I'm assuming that he is a teacher and the student was younger... If that is the case, what he did is an abuse of authority and demonstrates a significant character flaw. I just don't think I could stay in the marriage, regardless of how remorseful he says that he is...

 

I don't think it will help if you move away. The memory of the betrayal will stay with you, wherever you go.

 

I'm sorry.

 

The only reason I'm staying, tbh is for the kids. If we didn't have kids, I would've moved back to Florida. I moved here in Cali for him before. I stayed by his side regardless of how big it would change my life but after what he did, I'm only thinking of the kids.

 

Why does he want to move to Boston? In my opinion, if you have family and friends where you are, do not move somewhere with him that will put you isolated from all your other support. Why make a big move with someone at a crisis point in your relationship? Moving to Boston won't stop him from cheating. Don't do it. It will only remove your family and friend support. He has some other reason he wants to move there. It could even be some woman he's fallen in love with online or something.

 

He said he has a job opportunity there and has a sister there. He said I could easily adapt there and we would survive it together. I don't know how he could still think about us together after sleeping with someone else.

 

Good point. I had a friend who did this - the marriage was rocky, her husband got a job in a new city and he wanted a "fresh start." They thought that the move would be good for their family... Well, they built a big new house and separated before they could even move into the house. Now, she is stuck in a city where she does not want to live - she can not leave because of the children. Nobody is happy, she and the kids miss their friends and family. They have all been in counselling... They left all their support when their family was in crisis and it's taken them years to recover.

 

ETA, if you ask my friend, she will now say that moving when her family was in crisis was the biggest mistake she has ever made. She is basically waiting it out, until her youngest reaches the age of majority, when she can move back home...

 

I'm sorry about your friend. I wish ours would turn out better for the kids regardless if we move or not.

 

Unless the student he had the affair with is also moving to Boston.

 

OP, it’s been my experience that any time a man wants to uproot your life, it’s to get you off familiar ground and put you in a strange setting where he can exert more power over you.

 

I agree with the other post. Him bringing that girl to your home and your bed is completely disrespectful. I’m sorry you have kids with this man but I would think long and hard about moving. His motives toward you, so far, don’t bode well.

 

I don't know if she is also moving and tbh I don't care. He has broken me so much after he did what he did

[BaileyB]

He has broken me so much after he did what he did

 

I’m so sorry that you feel this way. You did nothing to deserve this pain.

 

Just sending you best wishes. Take care.

[Whoknew30]

Coming from a culture that loves to cheat, I’m going to be honest with you. Your husband doesn’t respect women, including his wife. In your bed, in your home...that’s the biggest no-no even in a culture of cheating men...never bring it home!

 

Moving is no big deal as long as he’s not using it as a deflection, which IMO of course he is...it’s very easy to make it seem like one is moving on with something when really busy...that’s what he’s doing. You’ll be moving homes, schools for the kids, he’ll be settling in at a new place to work...what time does that leave to pay attention to the marriage? What happens when all of that dies down?

 

He’ll have his sister, coworkers...who will you have? Not to mention, have you ever lived somewhere where there is harsh winters, if things aren’t better seasonal depression is real! You should be doing what’s best for you, while working on your marriage. Good luck to you.

[smackie9]

No one can really say if he's going to cheat or not and (I'm just saying this) for all you know he could have cheated other times. It's a gamble is all I can say. I wouldn't uproot just yet. I think you should carry on with counseling, and see if there is hope for recovery for the next year before committing to such a move. Plus your kids should have some input IMO. Up rooting to Boston will be a hard adjustment. Like the other poster mentioned, the winters are damn cold! and coming from Cali it's going to be a shocker.

 

 

 

I feel you should spend time focusing on the marriage where you are at. If it's working out, fine then decide to move, but if it doesn't, you didn't waste time, money, and your kids anguish over a big move.

 

 

It's just a suggestion, but why not go out there for the holidays, like Thanksgiving, to visit relatives, and have a look around at the schools, housing, etc.

[stillafool]

You can move to Boston with him if you want to but there are plenty of young girls there for him to bed as well. I don't know how moving is going to change his lust for young girls.

[preraph]

From a legal standpoint, once you move to Boston with him, you are stuck there for child custody reasons should you divorce. If he moves you there and you divorce (maybe he wants to divorce), then you aren't allowed to move away because by law you're confined to be within driving distance of him to share custody. If you don't believe me, look it up. This is something that takes people by surprise and ruins their lives quite often.

 

Also, you're doing the kids no favor by staying with someone in a bad relationship. It teaches the kids to put up with a bad relationship. Remember you are their role model by example.

 

He wants to rush you to Boston and uproot you at the worst time. You should be suspicious. You'll always be stuck there with no support, nowhere to go except his home. You'll be at his mercy. Don't do it!

 

Now, if he moves away for the job and you refuse to and stay with the kids, this all becomes HIS problem instead of yours. He may have already consulted an attorney because he knows you might divorce him and found this out and have been advised to move you to Boston asap, because if you don't go and he wants to see his kids regularly, he can't go.

 

You need to work out your marriage without moving to Boston or you are really painting yourself into a corner.

Edited September 9, 2018 by preraph

[Gaeta]

Chances are it was not his first time cheating and you just caught him once. A new school will only give him a new territory to hunt on, a place students don't know about his bad reputation.

 

 

 

Also you are from Florida and currently living in California, both hot and sunny states. You SURE you want to move to a place with cold and snow?? A place you might be stuck in because of an eventual divorce and custody.

 

 

 

I don't believe in staying in marriages for the sake of the kids. The best for children is to be with happy parents, if mom needs to be divorced to be happy then be it.

[preraph]

Boston has some good features, but it is really boring architecturally, with all colonial except for one street of french, and then on the outlying areas, some more victorian housing. I found it oppressively colonial.

 

You have to take the subway everywhere because there's nowhere to park. It's a traffic nightmare. You can't go pick up a pizza in your car, nowhere to park. Have to walk three blocks, board the subway, go to the pizza place, walk another couple of blocks, get the pizza and repeat going home. There are no bathrooms in a lot of their restaurants and other buildings because they are old and colonial. This alone, to me, is a dealbreaker.

 

It's a concrete jungle except for a couple of parks. It costs a fortune to rent a place there and always has.

 

Going to buy groceries, you have to get out of city center and go to the suburbs to find a big grocery store. My friend who lived there, even though they had a car they had no good place to park, would go down the street and find one of those temporary rental cars and rent it to go to the grocery store. Uber is an option now.

 

Get ready to walk everywhere, and keep in mind anyplace you need to mostly walk isn't practical once you reach middle age or get any type of injury. Like there is no way I could live there now with my knees as they are even if someone paid for everything. Not a good place for old folks.

 

Decent restaurants, but depends what you're used to. Italian food and pizza are good.

[stillafool]

Boston has some good features, but it is really boring architecturally, with all colonial except for one street of french, and then on the outlying areas, some more victorian housing. I found it oppressively colonial.

 

You have to take the subway everywhere because there's nowhere to park. It's a traffic nightmare. You can't go pick up a pizza in your car, nowhere to park. Have to walk three blocks, board the subway, go to the pizza place, walk another couple of blocks, get the pizza and repeat going home. There are no bathrooms in a lot of their restaurants and other buildings because they are old and colonial. This alone, to me, is a dealbreaker.

 

It's a concrete jungle except for a couple of parks. It costs a fortune to rent a place there and always has.

 

Going to buy groceries, you have to get out of city center and go to the suburbs to find a big grocery store. My friend who lived there, even though they had a car they had no good place to park, would go down the street and find one of those temporary rental cars and rent it to go to the grocery store. Uber is an option now.

 

Get ready to walk everywhere, and keep in mind anyplace you need to mostly walk isn't practical once you reach middle age or get any type of injury. Like there is no way I could live there now with my knees as they are even if someone paid for everything. Not a good place for old folks.

 

Decent restaurants, but depends what you're used to. Italian food and pizza are good.

 

^^^^THIS^^^I spent a week in Boston and almost walked my legs right off. LOL, no joke. I hope you like to walk and take the subway.