4 year affair

[klve]

I have not been here for a long time, but I found my username again and was reading my post back in 2014. Back then I was feeling very bad over a man who I had started a affair with.

 

Now it is 2018 and the affair is still going on. I did not know it then but what I was writing about was when he was first time showing me how he is a guilt king and I have seen it many time since. In September 2014 he was very bad at communication so I asked him if he would like to set this on hold for some time like until after Christmas and he just answered right away that would be a great idea to give this a break and he would talk to me in January and we would then decide what we would do.

This broke my heart to see how fast he took my idea. And we did not talk for 7 weeks but then I found out, he stopped working overseas and was going to a birthday without his wife, so I contacted him.

We did meet and this started again. I did ask him to tell me if he wanted to stop this not just stop talking to me. And he promised to do that. But always when he starts to not answer me and that is usually after meetings. I always think now is the time he is going to stop. But I have told me when he is like that he is trying to stop the affair. And he has told me few times " you know we have to stop this sometime" I usually get very sad to hear this, because I want this to never to stop.

 

But I get sometimes very tired of this, because of his behavior I am often very sad. And He know I have loved him for 25 years but I have never know what he thinks of me. I just know he did not want me in the past to be his girlfriend, but I do not understand why he is risking his marriage if he has no feelings for me. And I know he has not been with other woman. He is working just with men and don´t go often out and is very scarred and can never tell his wife he is somewhere where he is not. And we maybe meet only 1 times in 8 weeks. But we usually talk maybe 5 times in a week in a text. But it is more often I who start the conversation. But after all this time I have learned to not try to talk to him for a few days after we have meet. Because I know now that will save me from more pain when he will be a guilt king for few days.

 

Truth be told, the hardest part I have in all this, even after 2 decades, is that I didn't get to marry him or be with him. I somehow hold him on a pedestal because I have loved him for so many years. But he of course, made the choice to marry somebody else.

 

Here is what I wrote 2014.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/486170-i-feel-so-bad

[Adotta]

This isn't about him. Your mind is all twisted up girl. Are you seeing an IC? IF NOT DO SO.

 

 

Something in you is clinging to this guy as a bandaid for something else. Some early childhood trauma, or other. Some connections and conclusions you came to about the world and yourself.

 

 

 

This is extremely unhealthy behavior to cling so desperately to someone. He isn't special. Your mind is making him special. Find the cause.

[Poppy47]

He's Just no that into you klve.

 

If he was, he would be doing everything he could to contact you and be with you.

 

Please get out of the rut you are in and seek some help.

 

I don't mean to be unkind, just realistic.

 

Poppy.

[BaileyB]

This is the saddest post I have read in a long time...

 

You are wasting your life on a man who doesn't love you, doesn't want you, isn't even interested enough to text your first. Why?

 

This is not about him, it is all about you... Why are you clinging to this man when you could find another who would love you and build a life with you? Don't you deserve more than this?

[jenkins95]

This is the saddest post I have read in a long time...

 

You are wasting your life on a man who doesn't love you, doesn't want you, isn't even interested enough to text your first. Why?

 

This is not about him, it is all about you... Why are you clinging to this man when you could find another who would love you and build a life with you? Don't you deserve more than this?

 

You DO deserve so much better than this.

 

Please, this comes from an MM who was in an affair for over a year....

 

Walk away and claim your life back. He is so toxic to you.

 

You can be happy, but not with him in your life. It doesn't feel like it now, but be strong and stick to it and you can get past it.

 

You can do it, we are here for you.

[klve]

Here I wrote:"But I have told me when he is like that he is trying to stop the affair."

But it was wrong and I cant fix it. This is what I was trying to say. "But he have told me when he is like that he is trying to stop the affair."

[klve]

Wow. I did read my post again to see if I really look like a psycho.

 

But ok, my parents were both an alcoholic. And Yes I have gone few times in IC, but it did not help me and are very expensive.

 

And no I will not find another man, because I am married and I would have never cheated on my husband with another man other than this one. Few years before I was with him after I got married. I told my friends, I would never cheat unless it was with him.

 

But ok, maybe I sound like crazy. But I did not think it would look this bad.

 

And I do think he has some kind of more feelings for me today than in the past. Why would he otherwise not just stop this? He gets sex at home, he like his wife in bed. And he remembers a lot of stuff from the past. How I was dressed in that and that night, what I said. And this all started 4 years ago, because I found out he had been looking at my fb, otherwise I would not have dare to contact him. But I know he has never loved me. But yes I would want more that I could be the one to stop this not him. Because he knows I can not do it.

[Hurtingmuch]

If seeing a counselor is too expensive, you can try and search Jerry Wise in youtube. That guy have helped me a lot. Most of the emotional problems we have as an adult came from unresolved childhood issues.

[Vivir]

klve, you didn't even mention in your first post in this thread that you are married. It came up later, like an afterthought. I think your being married is pertinent information.

 

Perhaps you're right. He stops contact after meeting up with you because he is feeling guilt. Maybe he has had his fill for now, and he contacts you later when he needs another fill up... His feet are firmly in reality. He knows he has a wife at home and he is not going to put his marriage in (any more) jeopardy... you are his escape, extra sex on the side.

 

You love him and would rather have been with him for all these years... Where does that leave your husband?

 

Your postings leave me confused. It seems you want an affair - or anything you can get from this man, and you are (not at all) happy to continue letting him come and go in and out of your life as he pleases.

 

If you want this man to be yours, it is not likely to happen. Both of you are married and this has been going on for so very long.

 

If you want an affair... then, this is what you've got. You don't truly seem to be happy with it.

 

So, what is it exactly that you want?

 

And if he isn't going to change, what are you going to do? What do you want to do? And how does your husband factor into this?

[Angelica21]

Dear klve,

 

I had an affair with an MM, and many women here have had an affair with an MM.

 

My advice to you comes from having the same experience as you, so I hope you will give my words some close attention. If I say some hard, tough things it's because I said the same hard, tough things to myself.

 

Your own thoughts and emotions feel correct to you, but they are not correct, they are wrong.

 

Your own thoughts and emotions are hurting you, and causing you pain.

 

100% of your pain is being caused by your own thoughts and emotions.

 

You feel like you are not able to change your thoughts and emotions, but you are definitely able to change your thoughts and emotions.

 

You must stop contacting him, and you must stop loving him.

 

You are able to stop contacting him.

 

You are able to stop loving him.

 

You must start today to change your thoughts and emotions.

 

Like all of us, you have a long story about how you got to today's situation with him. The story of the past truly does not matter.

 

Here are some basic thoughts to begin thinking today:

 

"Up until now, I have loved him. Starting today, I'm going to stop loving him. My love for him is NOT good love, I am loving the wrong person for the wrong reason."

 

"He doesn't care about me, and he has been using me in a bad way that has been bad for me. Starting today, I won't permit myself to let him use me."

 

"I don't need to understand why my heart is longing for true love with him. I only need to understand that I will never experience true love with him ever, ever, ever."

 

"Until now, I've been thinking that he is a special, wonderful person. He is not a special wonderful person, and I'm going to stop thinking that he is a special wonderful person."

[Ronco]

Not sure if this will help but my ex (from 23 years ago) who has a gf and I were together a few weeks back, fooled around, and I felt bad cause I also am seeing someone. Neither of us is married but it is still cheating. He contacted me 3 times since and I finally had a phone conversation where he claims that he has never cheated but since it's me, it's ok by him and he'd do it again. I am now done because I have more pride than that and have no interest in being his side thing and although I'm sad cause we had a great few days, I'm strong and will not contact him again. So, when I saw your post about MM saying it's cause it's you, it made me realize that it's all just wrong - even if it's just you, it's still not right and you DESERVE BETTER than this! Seek counseling and focus on your marriage. You definitely don't need this other person.

[Vivir]

These words are so important, they should be mentioned again...

 

Here are some basic thoughts to begin thinking today:

 

"Up until now, I have loved him. Starting today, I'm going to stop loving him. My love for him is NOT good love, I am loving the wrong person for the wrong reason."

 

"He doesn't care about me, and he has been using me in a bad way that has been bad for me. Starting today, I won't permit myself to let him use me."

 

"I don't need to understand why my heart is longing for true love with him. I only need to understand that I will never experience true love with him ever, ever, ever."

 

"Until now, I've been thinking that he is a special, wonderful person. He is not a special wonderful person, and I'm going to stop thinking that he is a special wonderful person."

 

Thank you for this, Angelica. I might print this out for me, too. Sometimes we all need a reminder.

 

 

MM saying it's cause it's you, it made me realize that it's all just wrong - even if it's just you, it's still not right and you DESERVE BETTER than this!

 

Ronco, I also got the "I'm only doing this because I couldn't resist you" speech. I think it was supposed to make me feel special (and it did for a while). After reading here at LoveShack, my thoughts morphed into this speech actually being an insult... "I'm only doing this because you allowed me to" or "I'm only doing this with you because you're the one who accepted what was on offer" - maybe they were both some variation of the truth, maybe not. But I was able to sow this seed of doubt in my mind because his actions did not match his words.

 

The fact of the matter is, you're right. All of it exhibits a lack of integrity and a lack of basic care.

[klve]

klve, you didn't even mention in your first post in this thread that you are married. It came up later, like an afterthought. I think your being married is pertinent information.

 

Perhaps you're right. He stops contact after meeting up with you because he is feeling guilt. Maybe he has had his fill for now, and he contacts you later when he needs another fill up... His feet are firmly in reality. He knows he has a wife at home and he is not going to put his marriage in (any more) jeopardy... you are his escape, extra sex on the side.

 

You love him and would rather have been with him for all these years... Where does that leave your husband?

 

Your postings leave me confused. It seems you want an affair - or anything you can get from this man, and you are (not at all) happy to continue letting him come and go in and out of your life as he pleases.

 

If you want this man to be yours, it is not likely to happen. Both of you are married and this has been going on for so very long.

 

If you want an affair... then, this is what you've got. You don't truly seem to be happy with it.

 

So, what is it exactly that you want?

 

And if he isn't going to change, what are you going to do? What do you want to do? And how does your husband factor into this?

 

sorry I see, I forgot to say I am married. But Yes I did married because I did at some point have few years where I just thought of my former lover maybe ones a month.

 

And yes I know I will never have him so the next best thing is to have the affair until we are old. That is what I want. But why am I not happy?

 

It is because how he sometimes treats me. Gets hot and cold. And when he is cold and have his guilt. I always get so scarred if this is the time that he can stop this. If he would always be like how he is when he is communicating well, then I would be happy.

 

I have tried to talk to him about this and yes he has got little better than he was the first year in the affair. Then he sometimes took 2-3 days after meetings until he answer me, that he does not do anymore. And then we would sometime not talk in 2-3 weeks. And then it was me who could be the one who did not start to talk if it was few weeks then he would usually sent message to me. But now it is maybe at most 6-7 days we do not talk, and that happens just after meetings. I know I can not change him so I have to change me.

I have learn to just not try to talk to him after meetings, so I will not be upset if he is bad communicator like he usually are after meetings. But it happens sometimes he is bad communicator even thought we have not meet and it is so difficult to always trying to figure out why he is like he is and it is a rollercoster.

[Poppy47]

I think he is communicating to you that he couldn't care less.

 

Not bad communication.... just bad behaviour. He is treating you with no respect and you are chasing him.

 

Poppy

[Angelica21]

And yes I know I will never have him so the next best thing is to have the affair until we are old. That is what I want. But why am I not happy? It is because how he sometimes treats me. Gets hot and cold. And when he is cold and have his guilt. I always get so scarred if this is the time that he can stop this. If he would always be like how he is when he is communicating well, then I would be happy....it is so difficult to always trying to figure out why he is like he is and it is a rollercoster.

 

Dear klve,

 

You want something that you cannot have.

 

You must stop wanting this affair.

 

The MM is not good for you. He does not want to make you happy. He wants to make himself happy. You cannot change him. He will never change. You will always be unhappy in the affair.

You want to continue the affair until you are old. But

 

A person cannot make something happen just because she wants it. I want to have a million dollars. I cannot have a million dollars just because I want it. I want to look like a fashion model. I cannot have fashion model looks just because I want them.

 

You want the affair to be smooth, and you want the MM to feel and act a certain way. You cannot have him feel or act a certain way just because you want it.

 

Please stop wanting, loving, seeing and talking to the MM. He is ruining your life. You are making choices about him that are ruining your life.

 

YOU MUST RESCUE YOUR OWN LIFE.

[misspalmy]

affairs are like drugs. are to stop