Dating man with disabled child

[gp61186]

Hello Everyone,

 

I have been dating a man with a disabled child, she was actually born without eyes. She’s a sweet kid, but requires a whole lot of work and is actually still unable to walk on her own because being blind has greatly affected her balance. I myself grew up in a family where I had 6 adopted siblings and all had special needs. My parents did their absolute best and tried to meet all of our needs. As a result though (I was the oldest) I ended up developing a lot of fears and emotions as a result of growing up this way. I never felt that my needs were as important as my siblings and didn’t ask my parents for help or want to talk to them when I was having a difficult time because I didn’t want to be a burden. It did a strong number on me and I isolated myself and became very depressed and anxious and never felt I was important or good enough. These emotions have now unfortunately followed me into adulthood and have been going through intense therapy to work on it.

 

Back to my boyfriend, I at first thought I could handle being with him knowing he had a daughter with a disability because I was used to being able to care for disabled children all my life. Recently, I had this sudden realization and wondered if I really wanted to do this. I honestly want to have children of my own one day. I love kids. My boyfriend loves me very much and hopes that our relationship will progress to the point that one day we will have children together. That sounded great at first, but then I sat back and realized I would be putting a child in the exact same position I was in as a child. I am not sure if that is a risk I am willing to take. His daughter currently lives full time with her mother but it is not a good situation and I know that most likely he will end up having full custody of her again. I am not sure what to do. I have tried to calmly explain my fears with him and own my own emotions, but he gets angry and dismisses it. I know it’s a sensitive subject for him. I don’t know what to do and I’m very lost

[preraph]

Well, if he can't understand it and yet we strangers here on this forum can understand it, he just doesn't want to understand it. I'm sure he's desperate to find someone to share responsibility with his little girl if the mother has problems, but that doesn't mean you have to do it. If he is poo-pooing you when you try to tell them what an issue this is for you, that is not fair and you don't need to be with a man who discounts your emotions and opinions.

 

While I see why you might at first feel you could do this, just because you can doesn't mean it's the right thing for you - not with a guy who won't respect your opinion. Maybe the mother of his child is actually not that bad, but he just has to have his way on things.

 

Unless the mother is a huge needle using drug addict or alcoholic who can't function day to day, she should share visitation with her daughter. This daughter needs her if she is functioning. Your man may be just bullying this woman. So remember you're just hearing his side. Ask the little girl if she loves her mom and don't do it in front of dad.

[gp61186]

Thank you very much for your advice. The mother left her daughter when she was a couple of months old. She is now back in her life, but you’re right and that I do have to remember that there always two sides. What he tells me is that whenever the mother has her, she tried to find an excuse to not spend time with the daughter and feigns illness or tries to pawn the daughter off on him. The mother is a lawyer for a living. I have to remember that my emotions are important and it sounds like I need to re-evaluate my relationship if he is discounting my emotions and fears. Thank you very much for your understanding, I started to think I was a horrible person for feeling this way

[basil67]

I'm the mother to a disabled child and also have one who does not have a disability. I completely agree that the needs of the sibling must not be left behind. While there are naturally some restrictions on what the family can do together, it can be managed so that the sibling receives the love, care, attention and support they need.

 

Now in terms of raising a sibling, you're already streets ahead of your parents. You already know how important it is to not leave them behind. And it won't be situation of six disabled kids competing for attention with one who has regular needs. In short, this would be a very different scenario to what you were raised with.

 

All that said, it's terribly difficult for a person who's the parent of a child with a disability to re-partner. Despite your best efforts, this may prove too difficult for you.

[preraph]

I think the problem is him. If the mother of this child is an attorney, she is a perfectly capable person. There is nothing wrong with her that would be enough to take a child away from her so I think he is the bad egg in this relationship. She is probably busier than him because of attorneys are busy and she may well be foisting the child off on him more than she should be. Remember this happens in the reverse everyday with men who are working full-time jobs thanking the mother of the child should do more after they're divorced and sharing custody then they do because they don't want to compromise their career. So this is nothing more then a disagreement between two people who are no longer together. in my mind he is evil if he tries to take this child away from her mother.

 

there may have been a perfectly good reason why she wasn't able to be with the child the first two months of her life such as maybe it was a terrible childbirth or maybe she was so young and immature she wasn't ready to have a child but was pressured into it.

 

I don't think this is a guy you need to stay with to be quite honest. I don't think he's going to be easy to get along with and I don't think he's fair.

[gp61186]

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I do have to remember that there are two sides to every story and I don’t know his ex. He claims his daughter has asked to be back with him and she’s 9. I think I could possibly handle it if he just had her here and there, but not full time. If we ever moved in together it would be at my condo because I am a homeowner, which in turn means that she would stay here. I give her mother kudos for attempting to be back in her life, she started coming around again about 5 years ago. She had the daughter in her early twenties and had no idea her daughter was going to be born blind. She was probably scared and didnt know what to do.

 

I attempted the conversation again today and said unfortunately that it needs to be discussed. He wants us to take our relationship day by day and focus on each other, but the reality is that we cannot do that when there is a very probable future situation that needs to be discussed that I am not sure I want to take on. I decided to end things with him because my emotions and fears can’t be ignored or discounted. He thinks I’m being ridiculous

[Springsummer]

omg...that's quite a dilemma.

 

but I don't think you should feel bad about yourself. most people will do the same as you. it's a lot to ask. they are the parents so they have the responsibility, but you are not.

 

as much as I think I am a compassionate person, it will be a nightmare for me too. I can hardly take care of myself.

[preraph]

Well I think you made a very rational decision and took everything into consideration, where is he just wants to avoid communicating about stuff which is not a good sign for a relationship.

 

You know the most typical reason a child says they want to go live with another parent is because they are living with the parents who structures their wife and disciplines them instead of letting them get away with everything. So she likely just wants to go stay with the dad because he what's the slide war or whatever but she's an age and especially with her special problems that she needs structure and lots of it.

 

I hope you're at peace with your decision and that he so that make it difficult for you to leave. you know it would be so much more tragic if this happen in a year or two and the child lost someone she became attached to. Keep us posted if it's a queen break or gets messy.

[shellybing]

Hello Everyone,

 

I have been dating a man with a disabled child, she was actually born without eyes. She’s a sweet kid, but requires a whole lot of work and is actually still unable to walk on her own because being blind has greatly affected her balance. I myself grew up in a family where I had 6 adopted siblings and all had special needs. My parents did their absolute best and tried to meet all of our needs. As a result though (I was the oldest) I ended up developing a lot of fears and emotions as a result of growing up this way. I never felt that my needs were as important as my siblings and didn’t ask my parents for help or want to talk to them when I was having a difficult time because I didn’t want to be a burden. It did a strong number on me and I isolated myself and became very depressed and anxious and never felt I was important or good enough. These emotions have now unfortunately followed me into adulthood and have been going through intense therapy to work on it.

 

Back to my boyfriend, I at first thought I could handle being with him knowing he had a daughter with a disability because I was used to being able to care for disabled children all my life. Recently, I had this sudden realization and wondered if I really wanted to do this. I honestly want to have children of my own one day. I love kids. My boyfriend loves me very much and hopes that our relationship will progress to the point that one day we will have children together. That sounded great at first, but then I sat back and realized I would be putting a child in the exact same position I was in as a child. I am not sure if that is a risk I am willing to take. His daughter currently lives full time with her mother but it is not a good situation and I know that most likely he will end up having full custody of her again. I am not sure what to do. I have tried to calmly explain my fears with him and own my own emotions, but he gets angry and dismisses it. I know it’s a sensitive subject for him. I don’t know what to do and I’m very lost

 

I am the parent of a special needs child.

 

If you can't handle it and don't want that for yourself (no judgement, none of us asked for this) don't. Leave, break up, give it up. The sooner the better, because the longer you stick around and drag it out, the more this girl and her father are going to be attached to you. Just don't do it, if its not something you want for yourself. Get it over with before you go years and then just disappear one day.

[shellybing]

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I do have to remember that there are two sides to every story and I don’t know his ex. He claims his daughter has asked to be back with him and she’s 9. I think I could possibly handle it if he just had her here and there, but not full time. If we ever moved in together it would be at my condo because I am a homeowner, which in turn means that she would stay here. I give her mother kudos for attempting to be back in her life, she started coming around again about 5 years ago. She had the daughter in her early twenties and had no idea her daughter was going to be born blind. She was probably scared and didnt know what to do.

 

I attempted the conversation again today and said unfortunately that it needs to be discussed. He wants us to take our relationship day by day and focus on each other, but the reality is that we cannot do that when there is a very probable future situation that needs to be discussed that I am not sure I want to take on. I decided to end things with him because my emotions and fears can’t be ignored or discounted. He thinks I’m being ridiculous

I think you did the right thing. I really do.

 

Special needs is difficult even for the most sane and rational of people. I am that parent, and I long for days when I can have my freedom. I love my child, but i wouldnt wish this life on anyone.

[Whoknew30]

If you don’t want a certain situation in your life & have the choice, than you have every right to your feelings.

 

Within saying that, you’re always going to have problems with competing in life for needs. Meaning once married & even with your own children, it’s called life. Your needs will not always be met a 100% & if they are, life has a way of changing it. This man had a blind daughter & you say “her mom had no idea her child would be blind” like that’s some kind of excuse to dump your child. That statement alone means you’re logic is by far ready to make a major life commitment in anything. Wether or not starting a family fresh or creating one with this man.

 

Life is going to throw you curve balls, there’s no way around it & many times at any particular moment as an adult, you may not be he most important person & you have to put you needs second. What are you going to do if your own child is disabled. If you harbor things from your child hood knowingly as an adult that your siblings did have more important special needs...what makes you think you’re going to be able to handle it now. Your not promised anything in life nor can one plan for everything. Now you know why your issues are which is half the battle but you need to work on them before ever thinking of starting a family, for yourself.

 

Reality is often based on perspective. If you dwell only on the negative aspects of your past vs zeroing in on what good came from it...you’ll never find what you’re looking for. I personally dealt with things as a kid I shouldnt of but instead of focusing on the actual negative aspect (which i once did) i started to look at the whole situation to understand it. I soul searched not only myself but my parents, their background, why they did the things they did. Now in my 30’s as a parent, I never focus on the negative of my childhood, only amazed that my parents did the job they did with what they had been through in their lives & how blessed I’ve learned the lessons, even from negativity to pass on to my kids..

 

Your parents did the best they could & you can sit forever dwelling on “I didn't emotionally have this or I didNT get this & don’t want this or that in my life”...but do you ever sit & think about what they did give you, what postitves you did learn that you want to pass down. Only focusing on what you didn’t have as a child & pertaining that to every situation as an adult is only going to hurt you. You don’t want this, that’s absolutely fine! But what you’re saying you don’t want to deal with, could happen to your life regardless...are you ready? IMO that’s the bigger question for yourself.

 

When you really love, hardship shouldn’t matter. I don’t know how much you love this guy...if you love him that much but can’t do it...than you don’t love him that much & if you think you do but can’t handle the situation, than you love with restrictions & that will follow you forever (minus abuse when I say Love without restrictions) vows go “in sickness & health, till death” not just loving when it’s easy.

 

Good luck, soul searching isn’t easy but it’s extremely worth it.

[alphamale]

if you want to have your own kids someday you need to be with a man who has no kids