lessons learned from Men are from mars Women are from Venus

[Garcon1986]

Hi, in reading through men are from mars, Women are from Venus - and looking back at my past relationships - I have experienced nearly every single conflict described in that book, for better or for worse.

 

 

I've noticed that the most exhausting thing that I have had to cope with, is that women generally demand many small shows of love, while men commonly expect that a couple of big shows of love will do the trick - and then come home wondering why his lady doubts his love, and this snowballs into marriage counseling, fights, etc etc.

 

 

Can you teach me a new attitude so that this aspect of relationships doesn't have to be so exhausting? Thanks everybody.

[BluBell]

I didn't read the actual Mars & Venus but I read Mars and Venus on a Date, which mostly reinforced everything I'd already suspected and then also irritated me in so many different ways. The whole premise of the book to me sounded like how to teach women to tolerate men in an effort to reel one in and keep him happy.

I personally think relationships should be more 50/50 effort than that....but at face value there are helpful insights into ways that our genders make us different...

 

Anyway about your question- I don't know a woman alive who doesn't appreciate a grand gesture. Those will win us over every time. But one grand gesture does not a relationship make- we also need and crave continuity and stability. Depending on how long you want this relationship to last, I'd trade one grand gesture for 100 small ones, hands down. Sometimes the small ones mean the world to us.

 

Hopefully you took more from the book than this one concept? Or was this the one that you are struggling most with?

 

For women, we mostly get caught up analyzing the whole thing about rubber banding and the stupid "cave".....

[Mumbles]

Well, the first thing I'd suggest is reading "The Five Love Languages" book.

 

Its imperative, in my view, to understand the primary love language of your partner in order to 'feed' her what she needs. Its pretty basic stuff actually, but sometimes we need these basic truths explained to fully grasp them.

[carhill]

All it takes is one right fit with your love style. I get the differences thing and much of that can be bridged with communication. Else, respect the differences and be oneself.

 

I kinda chuckled thinking about one example from my marriage when my wife mentioned, oooh I'd love to go here, do this xxxx. The one I chuckled about was like a five city tour of Australia. I was thinking, cool, I can do that, let's see how cheap. Put it all together and then 'oh, why do you take things so literally?' Yup. She didn't want to actually go, rather just wanted to talk about it and fantasize about it.

 

One tip: if you always seem to be missing the target or the target is constantly changing, things aren't flowing so don't twist yourself into a pretzel trying to figure it out. If it don't flow, let it go. Practice that.

[Gretchen12]

Well, for starters, stop thinking "women generally DEMAND many..." It is not a demand. She is communicating her desires and working on the relationship to improve it. When the man interprets that as a demand or criticism, he becomes defensive, unhappy, unappreciated, maybe even angry. For the woman, the relationship is something you tend to on an on going basis, like a living thing. She tries to protect it from dying. Often the man does not understand until it is dead and she has left him.

[guest569]

I've noticed that the most exhausting thing that I have had to cope with, is that women generally demand many small shows of love, while men commonly expect that a couple of big shows of love will do the trick - and then come home wondering why his lady doubts his love, and this snowballs into marriage counseling, fights, etc etc.

 

Hi lovely. What do you mean about 'small shows of love' versus 'big shows of love'?

 

How does that fit into your past relationships?

 

I don't think relationships need to be exhausting. But there will always be some hills to climb together.

[Garcon1986]

I learned in my past relationship early on, to give small regular shows of affection, which I enjoyed doing. Cards, hugs, dinner, etc. I was so smitten that I took her on an international trip for thanksgiving and we both enjoyed it. It gradually changed into a fear of when I am going to be cross examined as to the authenticity of my love, which turned into emotional abuse. I would like to avoid that in the future.

[Mumbles]

I learned in my past relationship early on, to give small regular shows of affection, which I enjoyed doing.

 

Well, believe it or not I had to learn this, and I din't 'enjoy it' per se, because initially it didn't come naturally to me.

 

Looking back now, I know the reason. I started my romantic life later than most and had a previous history of being somewhat of a loner. At least infofar as women went anyway.

 

I needed to grow, in a life sense, and enjoy the world around me, rather than being totally inwards focused.

 

 

Cards, hugs, dinner, etc. I was so smitten that I took her on an international trip for thanksgiving and we both enjoyed it. It gradually changed into a fear of when I am going to be cross examined as to the authenticity of my love, which turned into emotional abuse. I would like to avoid that in the future.

 

Mmm

 

I think I get what you're saying. Not sure how this turned into emotional abuse ... but it might be perception ... or perhaps a result of how you reacted to the probing of authenticity.

 

I still get a fair bit of probing for authenticity of my actions and words. I've found that the best way to counter this is to simply tell the girl, essentially, "I do what I like" ... and I use as few words as possible.

 

Its a really shortened version of telling the girl that I have internal feelings which I externalize in certain ways, the showing of affection through words and deeds. Its not fake, its not "What I must do", its genuine and is a 'gift' that I put out into the world. How receiving parties, of those gifts, receive them, is up to them ... likewise what they do with those gifts.

 

I must say that girls who pursue the genuine nature of small gifts of words and deeds are usually insecure. They don't feel 'worthy' of those things, or, in some cases, feel that there is a mismatch between her 'market value' and mine.

[Garcon1986]

The source of the fear came from a text from my ex before my current ex. I explained that the girl initiated the text, and I wasn't totally to blame but I accepted fault for the circumstances. Didn't know there was such a thing as "Absolutely no Contact" until I was swiped in the face with it. I said it was my fault anyway, asked for forgiveness, and moved on. I had not texted a single woman from date#1 till the 5 month mark except if it was for work, and said let's move on from this. Later on, it became accusations that every trip to the bathroom included texting other girls, that I shouldn't need to guard my phone when around her, that I could be texting other girls if I put on my parking lights at a traffic light.

 

At that point I went home and wondered what happened to my gentle, sweet, interesting lady. I would get asked to stay up till 1:45AM proving my authenticity to her knowing full well we both had to go to work the next day.

[Mumbles]

Out of control jealousy and possessiveness is not uncommon. I've suffered this on both sides of the coin over my life.

 

These days I still get struck by it. I've found that almost certainly, in nearly all cases, taking on responsibility for anothers possessive or ridiculously jealous behaviour just makes things worse ... much much worse.

 

More than once I've had to stop my girl in her tracks, tell her to look full at me and say something to the effect of: "I've heard what you're saying, I accept what you're feeling, but stop it now." Best said in a very firm voice, balanced on the verge of anger.

 

Now, this can blow up - of course, you can't control or be responsible for other peoples emotions or reactions. Be prepared. If it does blow up, after saying the above, well, use both barrels, but be controlled. You're actually legitimately telling your SO that you _are_ listening to her, and you're not without understanding, but enough it enough, its silly - don't make _me_ angry with this childish behaviour.

 

Its a form of ultimatum. You're drawing the line in the sand. I've entertained this foolishness for as long as I'm prepared to, now you have to decide, trust me or not, decide if its worth a massive argument and a possible split.

 

Its worked for me, and on multiple occasions.

 

If you take the other road, one I've traveled far too many times, of asking for 'forgiveness' of _her_ jealousy you're presenting yourself as a doormat, and you will get pummeled mercilessly.