When your teen hates your partner, do you dump them?

[ItsAllConfusing]

For the first time in 11 years i have a boyfriend. My 13 year old hates him. She hates him because of his appearance and his personality (optimistic, kind, outgoing) and his accent but she has no problem using him to buy her things. She is manipulative. I don't like it.

 

I feel like I'm in a tug of war between the two of them. Whenever I want to spend time with him she plays the guilt trip. She says she'll be happy when I dump him, to stop dating him, that she'll commit suicide if I keep dating him. I spend 95 percent of the time with her and the rest with him and she still has a problem with it.

 

I like this man and I enjoy being with him. I feel like I'm on a vacation when I'm with him. I feel loved and taken care of. It's a good feeling. At home if I'm to be honest I feel like a servant, a prisoner and often times disrespected and not appreciated. But I love my daughter unconditionally and I'll always be there for her.

 

What am I supposed to do, dump him because she doesn't like him? Do I stop spending time with him because she doesn't like him?

 

Every man that has shown interest in me, she has somehow scared away.

 

How do I balance this? I want to be with him and I want to spend time with him. I also don't want my daughter to feel neglected.

 

* My daughter is not in any summer programs yet and her friend is away for 2 weeks.

 

Like today I was going to go food shopping with my bf for 3 hours and then take my daughter to the movies and the craft store but she says this is supposed to be our day and she doesn't want me to see him.

 

Yes she is in therapy and they are working with her on this and other issues.

[central]

Put her in her place. Tell her that you will not cave to her manipulations, and will impose consequences if she continues. This is your relationship, not hers, and she has NO say in it, unless the guy is a health or safety concern for her - and if she ever says he is, verify that this isn't also manipulation.

 

My wife's older son didn't like me when we were dating long ago, and it was necessary for her to put him in his place and remind him that he had no say in the matter. He got over it eventually, and we're very friendly now.

[Otter2569]

Put her in her place. Tell her that you will not cave to her manipulations, and will impose consequences if she continues. This is your relationship, not hers, and she has NO say in it, unless the guy is a health or safety concern for her - and if she ever says he is, verify that this isn't also manipulation.

 

My wife's older son didn't like me when we were dating long ago, and it was necessary for her to put him in his place and remind him that he had no say in the matter. He got over it eventually, and we're very friendly now.

 

Totally Agree! YOU are the adult. Why in the world would you allow yourself to be manipulated? What is this teaching your daughter?? You need to show her what its like to be a strong, independent woman and what a relationship / dating should be. She will respect you for it in the long run.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your child's emotional mental health is of utmost importance here, not her acceptance of your boyfriend (who you don't even like kissing and has told you to lose weight?).

 

If you (other posters) disagree with me, go read the thread before this where this has already been discussed. It's the thread about the child reading her entire sexting history with this man.

[hippychick3]

Your child's emotional mental health is of utmost importance here, not her acceptance of your boyfriend (who you don't even like kissing and has told you to lose weight?).

 

If you (other posters) disagree with me, go read the thread before this where this has already been discussed. It's the thread about the child reading her entire sexting history with this man.

 

This. Put your daughter FIRST and don't introduce her to your boyfriends until you've dated them for at least a year and they will stick around for the long run.

[Artdeco]

Generally speaking, I would not let my child decide wrt any adult matters, esp my love life, so breaking up bc the daughter doesn’t like the bf is ridiculous, PROVIDED that the OP has known him for a reasonable amount of time before bringing the daughter into the picture, and, obviously, provided that the bf treats the daughter well and with respect. Which should go both ways, obviously.

 

If you - OP - have only known him for a short amount of time, though, you should have not introduced him to your daughter. I mean that’s not rocket science. But that also doesn’t mean that you should break up with him. It just means that you should conduct the relationship without her in the picture and wait until she’s ready to meet him. Do you think you introduced him too early on?

 

She’s clearly not used to you dating, so it’s always going to be a struggle for her, if you have a man in your life. But she has to respect your decisions. If she doesn’t want to be around him, then just make time for him when she’s not around. She is still your priority - bf or not. After a while, if things still go smoothly between you and him, then the 3 of you can slowly start to do things together.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Your child's emotional mental health is of utmost importance here, not her acceptance of your boyfriend (who you don't even like kissing and has told you to lose weight?).

 

If you (other posters) disagree with me, go read the thread before this where this has already been discussed. It's the thread about the child reading her entire sexting history with this man.

 

 

. The sexting history was not with this man, that person was some online guy who I was talking to out of boredom and loneliness. This man is different.

 

I had a talk with my boyfriend about the weight comment and my goodness he was super super apologetic and understanding. He had no idea how I felt and how his words came out.

 

I've figured out a way to kiss him, we've talked about this too.

 

I'm sold on him. I like him and my daughter does not like me with any man. I don't think its right for me to be controlled by her.

[Whodatdog]

This could be an extremely important lesson in your daughters life. Now is a great time for her to learn to accept people, whether she likes them or not. Its a great lesson for her. Kids her age think the world revolves around them; it doesnt. Life is about acceptance.

 

I have a feeling that it doesnt matter who you dated, that your daughter wouldnt be happy. Now is the time to teach her acceptance, tolerance, and kindness.

[Adiron]

She hates him because of his appearance and his personality (optimistic, kind, outgoing) and his accent

 

Yeah I'm sure when you said "why do you hate [boyfriend's name] she said "Mom it's because of his appearance and outgoing, kind and optimistic personality and that ACCENT!"

 

Unless he dresses like a homeless guy, there are other reasons other than his outgoing and kind optimism, and either your daughter isn't telling you what they are, or you aren't listening because you don't want to hear it.

[Artdeco]

Your child's emotional mental health is of utmost importance here, not her acceptance of your boyfriend (who you don't even like kissing and has told you to lose weight?).

 

If you (other posters) disagree with me, go read the thread before this where this has already been discussed. It's the thread about the child reading her entire sexting history with this man.

 

I don’t think it’s „this“ man. That’s why we need to be careful when digging into old threads of posters, because these older posts might be about completely different things. Sure, she made a mistake, and it was very unfortunate that the daughter found stuff on her computer that she wasn’t meant to see. she definitely should’ve protected her computer better, and she now needs to help her daughter through that. She saw things that somebody in her age group shouldn’t see. Especially not about her own parents .

 

However, there seems to be a relationship now that might be serious. The only thing I’m worried about is that she introduces the child to soon. That’s all. Other than that, I don’t think the daughter has any business to have any input whatsoever, unless the new boyfriend is disrespectful to the daughter or doesn’t treat her well. She’s 13. She doesn’t run the household.

[salparadise]

It's not at all unusual for children to not want their parent to have a relationship, and this includes adult children as well. I've seen a number of instances where the grown children (with families of their own) express strong objections to a surviving parent starting to date after the death of the other parent. They generate all kind of excuses, but it all boils down to a type of jealousy.

 

In the case of this 13 year old not approving of anyone her mother dates, well, I'd say that's par for the course. Dads don't like the boys their daughter date, Moms don't like the girls their sons date, etc., etc. Why would she be agreeable to sharing her mother with a strange guy if she knew she could prevent it.

 

What's totally out of whack here is the mother giving the daughter the power to veto her relationship, even knowing that she'd veto any relationship. This 13 year old is ruling the roost because she has not had limits set and she knows exactly how to manipulate people and situations. She needs to be shown that not only does she not have veto power, she doesn't even get a vote!

 

My guess is that her veto powers are not limited to boyfriends either. I think the whole parent/child relationship needs to be redefined. Most kids would not even presume to express an opinion, much less undertake to undermine the relationship.

 

I agree completely about not introducing children to dating partners for a long time. 6-9 months was my rule of thumb, but my daughter was older and more mature. A year isn't unreasonable. Less than 6 months, no.

[Artdeco]

Salparadise - Exactly! I totally agree. And as I see it, the op hasn’t dated in more than 10 years, and of course the daughter is not on board with that. She’s not used to her mother dating anybody. It’s totally new to her! So of course there will be friction. Doesn’t mean you have to give into that friction.

[stillafool]

If I remember correctly the daughter is the victim of extreme bullying and perhaps needs her mom more than others. Children are only children for a short time and then they are gone so I think your first priority should be your child. You can get a man at any time.

[salparadise]

If I remember correctly the daughter is the victim of extreme bullying and perhaps needs her mom more than others. Children are only children for a short time and then they are gone so I think your first priority should be your child. You can get a man at any time.

 

No one is suggesting that she abandon her daughter. It's not an either/or situation. Parents need a life and some adult time to maintain healthy balance. It's analogous to securing your own oxygen mask first. I think what you're suggesting is the source of the issue, not the solution. Firmer boundaries and clearly defined roles between parent and child is what is needed.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No one is suggesting that she abandon her daughter. It's not an either/or situation. Parents need a life and some adult time to maintain healthy balance. It's analogous to securing your own oxygen mask first. I think what you're suggesting is the source of the issue, not the solution. Firmer boundaries and clearly defined roles between parent and child is what is needed.

 

It's also not an either/or situation when it comes to making this girl be around this guy so soon. Mom can keep her dating life separate until the daughter's other serious issues get dealt with. It doesn't sound like they've been dating long, so why would there be no other option than to force her to be in their (the new couple) presence?

[BaileyB]

Two things need to happen here...

 

1. You need to have better boundaries with this new relationship. Your child should not be forced to spend time with him, your relationship should not take time away from your child, and she should definitely not be exposed to things that are inappropriate for a child to see (ie. sexting history or inappropriate physical affection).

 

2. You need to have better boundaries and clearly defined roles with your child. It certainly sounds like her behavior is manipulative and unacceptable for a 13 year old child. You are her parent, she needs to respect that. But - I can imagine that she is manipulative and entitled in her behavior because boundaries and consequences for poor behavior have been inconsistently enforced in the past... would that be accurate?

 

How to right this ship... Well, you continue to parent your child and date your man when you have time, when you are not with your child. It's going to take a long time for this to come together... If it ever does.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Yeah I'm sure when you said "why do you hate [boyfriend's name] she said "Mom it's because of his appearance and outgoing, kind and optimistic personality and that ACCENT!"

 

Unless he dresses like a homeless guy, there are other reasons other than his outgoing and kind optimism, and either your daughter isn't telling you what they are, or you aren't listening because you don't want to hear it.

 

I swear those are her EXACT words well instead of optimistic she said happy and positive.. She also doesn't like him because he treats her too good and he believes in God (he's not preachy).

 

I'm not making this up. I hear her. I listen to her.

[BaileyB]

I swear those are her EXACT words well instead of optimistic she said happy and positive.. She also doesn't like him because he treats her too good and he believes in God (he's not preachy).

 

I'm not making this up. I hear her. I listen to her.

 

With all due respect, I don't know a single person who has disliked another because they "treated them too good."

 

Something is really off here...

[ItsAllConfusing]

I don’t think it’s „this“ man. That’s why we need to be careful when digging into old threads of posters, because these older posts might be about completely different things. Sure, she made a mistake, and it was very unfortunate that the daughter found stuff on her computer that she wasn’t meant to see. she definitely should’ve protected her computer better, and she now needs to help her daughter through that. She saw things that somebody in her age group shouldn’t see. Especially not about her own parents .

 

However, there seems to be a relationship now that might be serious. The only thing I’m worried about is that she introduces the child to soon. That’s all. Other than that, I don’t think the daughter has any business to have any input whatsoever, unless the new boyfriend is disrespectful to the daughter or doesn’t treat her well. She’s 13. She doesn’t run the household.

 

Yes this is a different man and my daughter and I have talked about that past incident. It was tough but we have moved on.

 

My boyfriend met us together before we decided to date. We met while my dauggter and i were traveling. It's my goal to keep them separate until months have passed and our relationship is stronfer. It's the best this way.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I swear those are her EXACT words well instead of optimistic she said happy and positive.. She also doesn't like him because he treats her too good and he believes in God (he's not preachy).

 

I'm not making this up. I hear her. I listen to her.

 

Does she think he is fake?

[ItsAllConfusing]

It's also not an either/or situation when it comes to making this girl be around this guy so soon. Mom can keep her dating life separate until the daughter's other serious issues get dealt with. It doesn't sound like they've been dating long, so why would there be no other option than to force her to be in their (the new couple) presence?

 

 

I don't force her to be around us. In the past I have given her the option of spending time with us or not so that she does not feel left out. Now we've learned that it's best to keep things separate. But even when this is suggested she is against it because she doesn't want me with him. Or she'll ask to come.

[ItsAllConfusing]

With all due respect, I don't know a single person who has disliked another because they "treated them too good."

 

Something is really off here...

 

It's true.

 

I thought to myself those aren't great reasons to dislike someone but those are her reasons.

[BaileyB]

I don't force her to be around us. In the past I have given her the option of spending time with us or not so that she does not feel left out. Now we've learned that it's best to keep things separate. But even when this is suggested she is against it because she doesn't want me with him. Or she'll ask to come.

 

With all due respect, that doesn't make much sense. Does she ask to spend time with you, or not?

 

What is your custody arrangement OP? Do you have your daughter with you full time, or part time?

[ItsAllConfusing]

Does she think he is fake?

 

Hmmm you know, I've never thought about that. Thanks. I'm going to ask her more about this.

[ItsAllConfusing]

With all due respect, that doesn't make much sense. Does she ask to spend time with you, or not?

 

What is your custody arrangement OP? Do you have your daughter with you full time, or part time?

 

I have full custody of my child. She is with me all the time.

 

When I go out with my boyfriend she can either hang out with her friend, hang out at the library, spend time with grandma or hang in the house. I never say you have to go with us. In fact It's less stressful if my daughter is not with us.

 

She doesn't have to ask to spend time with me because I'm always there and I ensure that I spend time with her. We just got back from spending time together. I wanted to see my bf as well but I didnt. My daughter and I spent the day together.