When your teen hates your partner, do you dump them?

[ItsAllConfusing]

Two things need to happen here...

 

1. You need to have better boundaries with this new relationship. Your child should not be forced to spend time with him, your relationship should not take time away from your child, and she should definitely not be exposed to things that are inappropriate for a child to see (ie. sexting history or inappropriate physical affection).

 

2. You need to have better boundaries and clearly defined roles with your child. It certainly sounds like her behavior is manipulative and unacceptable for a 13 year old child. You are her parent, she needs to respect that. But - I can imagine that she is manipulative and entitled in her behavior because boundaries and consequences for poor behavior have been inconsistently enforced in the past... would that be accurate?

 

How to right this ship... Well, you continue to parent your child and date your man when you have time, when you are not with your child. It's going to take a long time for this to come together... If it ever does.

 

Thank you, you are right about everything.

 

I don't force her to spend time with us and she has never seen us do anything sexual in person or through text.

[stillafool]

I have full custody of my child. She is with me all the time.

 

 

Is your daughter's father in her life at all and does she get to spend time with him?

[BluEyeL]

Like others have mentioned, children, especially teens and pre-teens don't like to see their parents dating. So her reaction is normal.

 

 

What you need to do is to kindly but firmly explain to your daughter that you understand it's not what she wants, but you will date this man or if this doesn't work out, you will likely look to date someone else. You have to be unwavering in making it clear that this is not negotiable.

 

 

 

Also, expect it to take it a long time for the relationship to warm up. Years. I read in a book that it takes about 4 years for things to settle down in blended families.

 

 

I was in a very similar situation, my son was 12 yo when my husband and I started dating and I also had him full time. He has told me he doesn't want me to date, to which I patiently explained that I have to, because I still have life ahead of me and while now him and I are together, he will go off and have his own life and family and I want to also have a partner in my life. I promised him I will make sure I choose someone kind and loving and ensure that he is treated right when the time comes. That was when he was about 11. The conversation happened more than once and I was firm every time.

 

 

When I met my husband he was 12, and told me, once he met him (about 6 months in) that he likes him, and it's not about him, but he doeesn't want to share me. I kept my stance, kindly, no shouting, hugging him, but firmly explaining that mom has a life and he's still number one and will be sure we have lots of time together, but mom needs to do this. I said I'm glad he likes him and to let me know if anything changes.

 

 

He slowly got used to the situation. My now husband did not move in with us until 2.5 years into the relationship. Their relationship is a very good one now, 4 years later. My son puts him down on form as his father (although he has a biological father he talks on the phone with about once a month) and he is happy with our rebuilt family.

 

 

 

Something I did, I told my husband to never discipline my son, always just be a friend and if any misbehavior or criticism feels necessary to bring it up to me and let me be the bad guy. Luckily, my son is an almost perfect teenager, very respectful and kind and we hardly ever have any kind of issues with him, other than maybe not picking up after himself all the time and other minor stuff like that. My husband doesn't get on his case and they are friends.

 

 

 

But it all warm up slowly over the years, I didn't push them, nobody tried to force anything, I was just very firm about what's going to happen and my son had to accept it and make the best out of the situation. I love them both and my husband brought two dogs and a kitty in our lives and my son loves them to pieces.

 

 

Don't fight with you daughter, always talk to her calmly, hug her, reassure her evertything will be ok and you'll look out for her ,but you will be in a relationship because you want a relationship in your life and this is normal, people are not meant to be alone. That's what I told my son "people are not meant to be alone, sweetie".

[salparadise]

When I met my husband he was 12, and told me, once he met him (about 6 months in) that he likes him, and it's not about him, but he doesn't want to share me.

 

Excellent post. OP read this on several times.

[Otter2569]

It's not at all unusual for children to not want their parent to have a relationship, and this includes adult children as well. I've seen a number of instances where the grown children (with families of their own) express strong objections to a surviving parent starting to date after the death of the other parent. They generate all kind of excuses, but it all boils down to a type of jealousy.

 

In the case of this 13 year old not approving of anyone her mother dates, well, I'd say that's par for the course. Dads don't like the boys their daughter date, Moms don't like the girls their sons date, etc., etc. Why would she be agreeable to sharing her mother with a strange guy if she knew she could prevent it.

 

What's totally out of whack here is the mother giving the daughter the power to veto her relationship, even knowing that she'd veto any relationship. This 13 year old is ruling the roost because she has not had limits set and she knows exactly how to manipulate people and situations. She needs to be shown that not only does she not have veto power, she doesn't even get a vote!

 

My guess is that her veto powers are not limited to boyfriends either. I think the whole parent/child relationship needs to be redefined. Most kids would not even presume to express an opinion, much less undertake to undermine the relationship.

 

I agree completely about not introducing children to dating partners for a long time. 6-9 months was my rule of thumb, but my daughter was older and more mature. A year isn't unreasonable. Less than 6 months, no.

 

This is not too different from my situation - dating a woman with an empowered child. As someone put it: a child will assume power if they perceive their parent / guardian as weak.

[Otter2569]

….always talk to her calmly, hug her, reassure her evertything will be ok and you'll look out for her ,but you will be in a relationship because you want a relationship in your life and this is normal, people are not meant to be alone. That's what I told my son "people are not meant to be alone, sweetie".

 

Very sound advise!!!

[anika99]

According to a thread of yours that you started just a few days ago, you have only been dating this guy a few months and you see him 4 nights a week after work.

 

I can see why your daughter is upset. Before summer vacation she would be in school during the day and after school she has to compete with this guy who just came into her life a few months ago for your attention. I don't see how spending four evenings a week with this guy translates into you spending 95% of your time with your daughter. Who do spend your weekends with? Sounds like your bf is getting the lions share of your time.

 

Given your daughter's issues I think you have pushed this man onto her way to soon. Also since she is not the one all googly eyed and in love she may be perceiving something about your bf that you are not seeing. The happiest, most positive, most generous man I had ever met became the meanest cruelest boyfriend I ever had. You say that your daughter is happy to let him buy her things. At only 3 months of dating he should not be buying her stuff. That's manipulation, on his side, not hers.

[stillafool]

4 nights a week OP?

[preraph]

You need to tell your daughter you won't tolerate her behavior and that who you date isn't her decision. I'm afraid you've been letting her call the shots on other stuff as well, or she wouldn't think she has the final say here. Teach her to be polite and discipline her if she keeps nagging you about it -- and tell him no more presents for her.

[BaileyB]

According to a thread of yours that you started just a few days ago, you have only been dating this guy a few months and you see him 4 nights a week after work.

 

I can see why your daughter is upset. Before summer vacation she would be in school during the day and after school she has to compete with this guy who just came into her life a few months ago for your attention. I don't see how spending four evenings a week with this guy translates into you spending 95% of your time with your daughter. Who do spend your weekends with? Sounds like your bf is getting the lions share of your time.

 

Given your daughter's issues I think you have pushed this man onto her way to soon. Also since she is not the one all googly eyed and in love she may be perceiving something about your bf that you are not seeing. The happiest, most positive, most generous man I had ever met became the meanest cruelest boyfriend I ever had. You say that your daughter is happy to let him buy her things. At only 3 months of dating he should not be buying her stuff. That's manipulation, on his side, not hers.

 

Absolutely this.

 

With your first thread, I was thinking that the problem was related more to your daughter, that she needed stronger boundaries and firmer consequences for poor behaviour.

 

With your second post, I think the problem is related to a mother who is needy of male attention, has moved too quickly with a man she doesn’t really know, and has had very poor boundaries with your relationship. Your daughter may be acting out, but I now think it is probably with good reason...

Edited July 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[Miss Clavel]

fwiw, super happy, optimistic people bug me too!!

[SevenCity]

You need to tell your daughter you won't tolerate her behavior and that who you date isn't her decision. I'm afraid you've been letting her call the shots on other stuff as well, or she wouldn't think she has the final say here. Teach her to be polite and discipline her if she keeps nagging you about it -- and tell him no more presents for her.

 

I’m amazed how parents are so afraid to discipline their children nowadays yet complain when they turn into uncontrollable brats.

 

Regardless of any issues the OP might have with men, a 13 year old is by no means smart or experienced enough to be giving unbiased advice or making demands.

 

It shocks me to read posters are sugguesting she put her dating life on hold until the daughter deems it acceptable (which she never will). What if the OP was married and the kid didn’t like the husband? Should she get a divorce?

 

I keep hearing the kids should come first. I disagree. In an established relationship your partner should come first. If not, the kid will never have the benefit of seeing a template for a healthy relationship. As Sal said, put your oxygen mask on first....your kid will benefit far more as a result.

 

This is exactly why I don’t date women with kids.

[chixie]

One must question who the parent is here.

i think there are bigger problems than her not liking your boyfriend, she is not disciplined and therefore wanting to control you as you allow it.

[chixie]

I’m amazed how parents are so afraid to discipline their children nowadays yet complain when they turn into uncontrollable brats.

 

Regardless of any issues the OP might have with men, a 13 year old is by no means smart or experienced enough to be giving unbiased advice or making demands.

 

It shocks me to read posters are sugguesting she put her dating life on hold until the daughter deems it acceptable (which she never will). What if the OP was married and the kid didn’t like the husband? Should she get a divorce?

 

I keep hearing the kids should come first. I disagree. In an established relationship your partner should come first. If not, the kid will never have the benefit of seeing a template for a healthy relationship. As Sal said, put your oxygen mask on first....your kid will benefit far more as a result.

 

This is exactly why I don’t date women with kids.

I totally agree with this comment - I am female and don't date men with kids too!!

[BaileyB]

One must question who the parent is here.

i think there are bigger problems than her not liking your boyfriend, she is not disciplined and therefore wanting to control you as you allow it.

 

Y'all would be wise to read her other posts before you start doling out parenting advice...

[ItsAllConfusing]

I met this guy this year in April and heÂ’s great. He's supportive, smart, kind and loving but my 13 year old dislikes him. She dislikes him because she finds him annoying and dislikes how he treats her so nicely. She says she hates his accent, his horrible grammar, his ugly face, his horrible style, how he believes in God and how she hopes he dies. She has threatened suicide if i continue dating him (i talled to her therapist about this and she says its an act of manipulation, i know it is too) I keep them separate by carving time out for each of them separately. I see him 10 to 15 percent of the time while the rest goes to my daughter.

 

No matter how much time I spend with her or how separate I keep them she complains that she doesnÂ’t want me with him. It’s not just him, it’s any guy. Any man that has shown interest in me and vice versa she has been against. She wants me to date a man that she approves us (style, appearance and personality). This is my first relationship in 12 years! I’m 32 this year and I want a relationship. I would like to remain in the relationship I'm in.

 

Do you think I should break up with him because my daughter doesn’t like him?

 

Furthermore ive expressed wanting to expand the family in the future (not with my current partner just in general) and she gets so upset and says she wants to be the only child. I feel like she wants to control my life. At 32 I don’t have much time to have more children. I know she'll move on eventually and start her life and I'll be alone.

 

I feel torn. My mom supported my relationship but now I feel like she’s iffy about it because she feels I’m spending too much time with him which isn’t true. I’ll see him for 2 to 4 hours once or twice a week and in that time my 13 year old will call complaining to my mom that she feels so alone and then my mom feels like I'm not there for my daughter. I give so much of myself to my child. It upsets me for anyone to think otherwise. This weekend was all about her, we went shopping, went out to eat, spent time together. She doesn't have close friends or really close family so I'm everything.

 

To put things into perspective the last time I saw my partner was on Friday for about 4 hours. My daughter doesn't want him in our home (I respect that) and so I go out of the home to see him and sheÂ’s opposed to that as well. She used to call me 12 times during the time I am with him demanding I come home, demanding video call to make sure i had clothes on and was not having sex. I have my mom stay with her when I visit him, other times she stays in the home (not for too long alone) I’m just 8 minutes away.

 

This man makes me feel good and I feel like no one wants to see me happy.

 

Any thoughts?

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads and clean up extraneous characters

[shellybing]

I don't think you should let your teenage daughter dictate your life.

 

I have been reading an interesting book about girls called "Untangled." Its about the stages they go through as youhng girls and teen girls development. It might be helpful to read that.

 

As far as the suicidal thoughts and everything, I deeply feel you should consider counseling and possibly medication for your daughter.

 

I can't know your situation because I am not there, but I do know that I would never let my daughter disrespect someone that way. When she has something rude to say about someone, I tell her it's rude and she should apologize for saying that. I also make her think of positive things about the person she is talking about, or try to guide her through being empathetic to the other persons situation. Like she is having problems right now with this other girl.Nobody is really happy about the situation and the fighting among the kids, but I have made her sit down and consider how they might be making the other girl feel by excluding her from their activities, even if she is mean.

 

I think maybe counseling is the best option for your daughter though, and i hope you can work it our for peace, because there is nothing worse than breaking off a relationship for kids. The kids will grow up, leave your home, and find their own way and life after they are 18. If you are falling in love with someone, that someone is going to be there when your kids are not living at home anymore, and if you let the children run off your partners and your love interests, then you will be all alone when they are grown up.

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of preceding post

[hippychick3]

OP, this is the 3rd thread you've started with the same question. You received numerous responses and good advice. Did you read those posts?

[Mr. Lucky]

When your teen hates your partner, do you dump them?

 

I'm going to assume "them" is your partner and not the teenager. Even though we've all been tempted...

 

ItsAllConfusing, can't remember from your other posts, is this the first serious BF you've had since you broke up with her dad? If not, I'm curious how she interacted with your previous partners...

 

Mr. Lucky

[William]

Due to a report (thanks!) moderation merged two threads on a similar topic. Reminder! If choosing to discuss material from past threads of a thread starter, link to those threads/posts and quote them for relevance. If the content appears similar or a continuation, hit that 'alert us' button and notify moderation and we'll fix it up! Thanks!

[BaileyB]

I most definitely do not think that your daughter’s poor behavior should be rewarded in any way, including ending your relationship with this man...

 

However, if I was in your position, I would end the relationship with this man. Your greatest responsibility in life is to your daughter, and your daughter is crying out for help. You have BIG issues to deal with related to your daughter... I don’t see how you have the time or energy to devote to a relationship.

 

You need to do whatever is required to get your daughter on the right track. Find a family therapist, take some parenting classes, whatever is required. As a parent, sometimes your needs come in last and this is one of those times.

 

And for what it’s worth... I don’t know that she is the only one trying to manipulate this situation. The details of your story change ever so subtly every time you post, in that you look more sympathetic and your daughters behavior more outrageous. I don’t believe that you see him 10% of the time. I think you minimize the time you spend with him to suite your own purpose because in your last post, you said you spent for nights a week with him. You have moved quickly with this relationship, you have pushed this man on your daughter, and now you will deal with the consequences.

 

And, to even propose the possibility of having another child is to throw kerosene on an already out of control fire. Don’t do it, if you want to have any relationship with your daughter.

Edited September 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[ItsAllConfusing]

Yeah I'm sure when you said "why do you hate [boyfriend's name] she said "Mom it's because of his appearance and outgoing, kind and optimistic personality and that ACCENT!"

 

Unless he dresses like a homeless guy, there are other reasons other than his outgoing and kind optimism, and either your daughter isn't telling you what they are, or you aren't listening because you don't want to hear it.

 

I think this is an old quote but those were 100% her reasons of why she doesn't like him; he's too kind, believes in God, has horrible style, is ugly, has poor grammar, is annoying and has an accent. I am not making this up. There arent any other reasons snd my dsyght5er can come to me with anything. Communications is open.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I most definitely do not think that your daughter’s poor behavior should be rewarded in any way, including ending your relationship with this man...

 

However, if I was in your position, I would end the relationship with this man. Your greatest responsibility in life is to your daughter, and your daughter is crying out for help. You have BIG issues to deal with related to your daughter... I don’t see how you have the time or energy to devote to a relationship.

 

You need to do whatever is required to get your daughter on the right track. Find a family therapist, take some parenting classes, whatever is required. As a parent, sometimes your needs come in last and this is one of those times.

 

And for what it’s worth... I don’t know that she is the only one trying to manipulate this situation. The details of your story change ever so subtly every time you post, in that you look more sympathetic and your daughters behavior more outrageous. I don’t believe that you see him 10% of the time. I think you minimize the time you spend with him to suite your own purpose because in your last post, you said you spent for nights a week with him. You have moved quickly with this relationship, you have pushed this man on your daughter, and now you will deal with the consequences.

 

And, to even propose the possibility of having another child is to throw kerosene on an already out of control fire. Don’t do it, if you want to have any relationship with your daughter.

 

Great post.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Two things need to happen here...

 

1. You need to have better boundaries with this new relationship. Your child should not be forced to spend time with him, your relationship should not take time away from your child, and she should definitely not be exposed to things that are inappropriate for a child to see (ie. sexting history or inappropriate physical affection).

 

2. You need to have better boundaries and clearly defined roles with your child. It certainly sounds like her behavior is manipulative and unacceptable for a 13 year old child. You are her parent, she needs to respect that. But - I can imagine that she is manipulative and entitled in her behavior because boundaries and consequences for poor behavior have been inconsistently enforced in the past... would that be accurate?

 

How to right this ship... Well, you continue to parent your child and date your man when you have time, when you are not with your child. It's going to take a long time for this to come together... If it ever does.

 

My child is always with me, if she's not in school and I'm not at work she's with me. The only way I can see him is going out of the home and leaving her home by herself for a frw hours or with grandma.

[ItsAllConfusing]

I most definitely do not think that your daughter’s poor behavior should be rewarded in any way, including ending your relationship with this man...

 

However, if I was in your position, I would end the relationship with this man. Your greatest responsibility in life is to your daughter, and your daughter is crying out for help. You have BIG issues to deal with related to your daughter... I don’t see how you have the time or energy to devote to a relationship.

 

You need to do whatever is required to get your daughter on the right track. Find a family therapist, take some parenting classes, whatever is required. As a parent, sometimes your needs come in last and this is one of those times.

 

And for what it’s worth... I don’t know that she is the only one trying to manipulate this situation. The details of your story change ever so subtly every time you post, in that you look more sympathetic and your daughters behavior more outrageous. I don’t believe that you see him 10% of the time. I think you minimize the time you spend with him to suite your own purpose because in your last post, you said you spent for nights a week with him. You have moved quickly with this relationship, you have pushed this man on your daughter, and now you will deal with the consequences.

 

And, to even propose the possibility of having another child is to throw kerosene on an already out of control fire. Don’t do it, if you want to have any relationship with your daughter.

 

Woe 4 nights a week? Well no it's not 4 nights a week now if it ever was.

 

My daughter has a therapist. Insurance doesn't pay for family counseling.