When your teen hates your partner, do you dump them?

[BaileyB]

Woe 4 nights a week? Well no it's not 4 nights a week now if it ever was.

 

A link, to a previous post you made on July 1/2018.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/659499-am-i-being-too-needy

 

"I see my boyfriend four nights a week or more after work." I don't mean to be disrespectful, but those are your own words...

[central]

I think this is an old quote but those were 100% her reasons of why she doesn't like him; he's too kind, believes in God, has horrible style, is ugly, has poor grammar, is annoying and has an accent. I am not making this up. There arent any other reasons snd my dsyght5er can come to me with anything. Communications is open.

 

After reading this, I might agree with her! I mean, with all these flaws, what do you see in him? (Okay, so he's kind - that's not unique.) She is probably embarrassed for you, and would be embarrassed to be seen with the two of you.

[bathtub-row]

I married a guy that my son hated. He had good reason to. When my husband and I split up and then got back together, my son was disappointed but I told him that if my husband was ever mean to him, I would walk away from the marriage. My son knows I don’t say things I don’t mean so he was happy about that. I let my husband know that if he was ever mean to my son, I’d leave and not even discuss it with him. He said ok. That night, all of us and several of my family went to dinner. About halfway through the meal, my son got up from the table, walked over to my husband, and hugged him. That brought tears to my eyes. My husband asked if I told him to do that and I said no. He too was touched. However my now ex was a rotten person and lit into my son just a few months after we were back together. He was verbally abusive to me too. I left him shortly after that.

 

Your bf sounds very nice and even with the contrast of my ex, my son was willing to give him the benefit if the doubt. Your daughter has a lot to learn.

[ItsAllConfusing]

A link, to a previous post you made on July 1/2018.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/659499-am-i-being-too-needy

 

"I see my boyfriend four nights a week or more after work." I don't mean to be disrespectful, but those are your own words...

 

Thanks for the link. Now remembering it I remember talking to my mom who said it was good to see him 4 times a week but to just split the day up, so morning with my daughter and night 2 to 3 hours with him. I wasn't working then so I'd see him after work.

 

Now I'm working and daughter is in school so we're figuring out the schedule so far I've seen him once this week for about 3 hours. I think now itll be once or maybe twice a week for 2 to 3 hours.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think now itll be once or maybe twice a week for 2 to 3 hours.

 

The issues with your daughter aside, doesn't seem like the basis for a fulfilling relationship. You might have to realize the circumstances life has presented you and accept we don't always get what we want. Tough position, sometimes being a parent to a teenager is more akin to being a passenger than the driver...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gaeta]

You have the rest of your life to find a man, right now your hands are full with your daughter and men can wait. You won't die because you don't date for the next couple of years.

 

 

 

At 14 my daughter hated the man in my life, turns out she was right to hate him. She could not put it into fancy words for me but expressed it by misbehaving and rebelling. When that relationship ended my daughter and I were able to rebuild a closeness that had almost disappeared because of her hate for that man. If I had remained with that man my daughter and I wouldn't be as closed as we are today.

[ItsAllConfusing]

You have the rest of your life to find a man, right now your hands are full with your daughter and men can wait. You won't die because you don't date for the next couple of years.

 

 

 

At 14 my daughter hated the man in my life, turns out she was right to hate him. She could not put it into fancy words for me but expressed it by misbehaving and rebelling. When that relationship ended my daughter and I were able to rebuild a closeness that had almost disappeared because of her hate for that man. If I had remained with that man my daughter and I wouldn't be as closed as we are today.

 

 

So would you say ending my relationship is a good idea?

 

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your daughter now and are you dating anyone?

[Gaeta]

So would you say ending my relationship is a good idea?

Yes, I would pick my child over a boyfriend. My relationship with my child is for life and men will come and go.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your daughter now and are you dating anyone?

My daughter is now 31 years old. After I left the live-in-boyfriend she hated I remained single for a few years. I am now in a relationship for 3 years, my daughter adores that man.

 

 

 

A couple of weeks ago I was given the guardianship of a 14 year old. I am so busy with making sure she has everything she needs, with helping her with her homework, driving her back and forth to school, I wonder how people can date with teens. I have practically abandoned my BF. This teen I have under my supervision is a child with 0 problem. She is polite, helpful, kind temperament, the easiest kid which is making my job easier, if she had any special needs I can't imagine being able to date.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Yes, I would pick my child over a boyfriend. My relationship with my child is for life and men will come and go.

 

My daughter is now 31 years old. After I left the live-in-boyfriend she hated I remained single for a few years. I am now in a relationship for 3 years, my daughter adores that man.

 

That's great! Everyone seems to be settled.

 

Looking at my situation I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm leaning towards staying in my relationship. As it stands now I see him once or twice a week for 2 hours or so. My daughter doesnt want me with anyone, any man that has shown any interest in me she has despised. I feel that I'm an individual and deserve some social or romantic life especially as I'm aging. For 12 years I was not an individual I catered to my daughter intensely and now I can see the consequences of that. I did bad. I've spoiled her and I gave her my undivided attention constantly. Realizing this I see I was selfish.

 

I feel that as long as I keep them separate it should be ok. I don't force him into her life, she doesn't have to see him or talk to him. He doesn't come to our home. It's so frustrating because I do all of this to keep them separate and it's not enough for my daughter because I'm still with him. I feel there has to be some middle ground.

 

We'll see what happens.

[Gaeta]

Looking at my situation I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm leaning towards staying in my relationship. As it stands now I see him once or twice a week for 2 hours or so.

That is not a relationship. Might as well spend that time doing something rewarding like a cooking class or the gym.

 

 

 

My daughter doesnt want me with anyone, any man that has shown any interest in me she has despised. I feel that I'm an individual and deserve some social or romantic life especially as I'm aging.

Before your individual rights comes your parenting responsibilities.

 

 

 

For 12 years I was not an individual I catered to my daughter intensely and now I can see the consequences of that. I did bad. I've spoiled her and I gave her my undivided attention constantly. Realizing this I see I was selfish.

Then is then, and now is another issue. At this point in her life, with the trauma of being bullied, she needs someone to proof to her she is worthy of love, and worthy of love OVER a pheudo-bf. She is not 2 years old, not 5 years old anymore, now she's a teen and every decisions you will be making now will shape your relationship (and her trust in unconditional love) for the years to come.

 

 

 

Basically what you're saying to her is I devoted my life to you up to now so from now on you won't be my priority anymore. If she were 20, sure! but right now, at her age, it's the WORST time to send the message you don't value her enough drop that pseudo-boyfriend.

 

 

After I left my ex I met a nice younger man. My daughter was 14. That young man was 27 and I was 35. My daughter flipped. At 14 she felt threaten by a 27 year old entering my life, her life at the same time. She opened to me and I had to make a choice. I dropped the younger man. In a heartbeat.

 

 

 

10 years later I come across that younger man in the metro and we had lunch together. I told my daughter who was into her mid-20s. My daughter apologized to me, she said Mom I am so sorry for giving you a hard time when you met him 10 years ago, I am so embarrassed! I said that's alright. AT THE TIME she was going through the hardship of teenage-hood and did not need me to add to it by dating a younger stallion.

 

 

 

I dropped men more than once when my daughter was a teen and I don't regret any of them. When I dropped that younger man I sent my daughter the signal you matter that much to me. My daughter would walk through fire for me cause I did for her.

Edited September 7, 2018 by Gaeta

[ItsAllConfusing]

That is not a relationship. Might as well spend that time doing something rewarding like a cooking class or the gym.

 

 

 

Before your individual rights comes your parenting responsibilities.

 

 

 

Then is then, and now is another issue. At this point in her life, with the trauma of being bullied, she needs someone to proof to her she is worthy of love, and worthy of love OVER a pheudo-bf. She is not 2 years old, not 5 years old anymore, now she's a teen and every decisions you will be making now will shape your relationship (and her trust in unconditional love) for the years to come.

 

 

 

Basically what you're saying to her is I devoted my life to you up to now so from now on you won't be my priority anymore. If she were 20, sure! but right now, at her age, it's the WORST time to send the message you don't value her enough drop that pseudo-boyfriend.

 

 

After I left my ex I met a nice younger man. My daughter was 14. That young man was 27 and I was 35. My daughter flipped. At 14 she felt threaten by a 27 year old entering my life, her life at the same time. She opened to me and I had to make a choice. I dropped the younger man. In a heartbeat.

 

 

 

10 years later I come across that younger man in the metro and we had lunch together. I told my daughter who was into her mid-20s. My daughter apologized to me, she said Mom I am so sorry for giving you a hard time when you met him 10 years ago, I am so embarrassed! I said that's alright. AT THE TIME she was going through the hardship of teenage-hood and did not need me to add to it by dating a younger stallion.

 

 

 

I dropped men more than once when my daughter was a teen and I don't regret any of them. When I dropped that younger man I sent my daughter the signal you matter that much to me. My daughter would walk through fire for me cause I did for her.

 

Your post is beautiful. You seem to be a great mom.

 

I'm still deciding what I'll do. I'll find the answer in time. I know id walk through fire for my daughter but she'd probably never do it for me. Our relationship is not balanced I give more than I receive, I respect her more than she respects me but I guess that's normal, I don't know.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your post is beautiful. You seem to be a great mom.

 

I'm still deciding what I'll do. I'll find the answer in time. I know id walk through fire for my daughter but she'd probably never do it for me. Our relationship is not balanced I give more than I receive, I respect her more than she respects me but I guess that's normal, I don't know.

 

All good parents do this and should expect it to be this way at least until the kids are well into adulthood. It's our responsibility. I would never, ever expect either of my children to "give" more to me than I give to them. That's a very odd way to look at parenting.

 

Respect is another thing.

[Gaeta]

Our relationship is not balanced I give more than I receive, I respect her more than she respects me but I guess that's normal, I don't know.

 

 

You really expect a relationship with a teen to be balanced? You better grab your hat and hold on tight to it. From age 13 to 20 this will never be *balanced*. When age 15-16 come around she'll fight you more than ever and you'll have to remind yourself this is temporarily and your job is to shape her into adulthood! it's all for *her* good. You'll give 100 more than she'll give you back! It's gonna be the terrible-twos again except they're taller and bigger than you.

[bathtub-row]

Quite honestly, your daughter sounds like a brat. I know everyone says that kids go nuts when they reach their teens but that’s not necessarily true. While they do change, if you’ve taught them respect from a young age, they’re not going to suddenly turn on you.

 

The truth is, you should probably drop your bf and not date until your daughter has grown up and moved out. Not that I think she should be able to telll you what to do, but because I believe too much damage has been done and you can’t suddenly stop this runaway train and turn it in the opposite direction. This is the consequence of not instilling that respect long ago and not being the authority and parent.

 

Now you’ve dug this hole dealing with a child who doles our threats of killing herself. This situation leaves you with little choice because now you have to decide if you want to risk her killing herself opposed to standing your ground with this guy. It’s a high stakes gamble that I wouldn’t recommend because your daughter actually is likely to take her life just to make a point and because she’s too silly to understand the devastation it would cause you and your family.

 

Then after you break up with the guy, lay the law down with this kid - and she she’ll be sorry she ever took away your bf distraction.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Quite honestly, your daughter sounds like a brat. I know everyone says that kids go nuts when they reach their teens but that’s not necessarily true. While they do change, if you’ve taught them respect from a young age, they’re not going to suddenly turn on you.

 

 

Agree. My teenagers are extremely respectful and I'd be shocked if either one of them disrespected me or my ex-H. I've dealt with some dishonesty with my daughter regarding her relationship with a boy, but that's been the worst of it.

[Gaeta]

The daughter is in therapy for this and other issues. It's obvious she is dealing with mental health issues already. Being a strong parent model is important with our kids while growing up but even some children with strong models will have behavioral issues, or a series of mental issues following being bullied or following a divorce or the death of a parent. I don't think OP is 100% responsible for her daughter's behavior. I think the kid is screaming out loud she needs the love of a parent, by parent I mean a guiding, securing parent that knows what is best and is taking charge.

[bathtub-row]

The daughter is in therapy for this and other issues. It's obvious she is dealing with mental health issues already. Being a strong parent model is important with our kids while growing up but even some children with strong models will have behavioral issues, or a series of mental issues following being bullied or following a divorce or the death of a parent. I don't think OP is 100% responsible for her daughter's behavior. I think the kid is screaming out loud she needs the love of a parent, by parent I mean a guiding, securing parent that knows what is best and is taking charge.

 

In some cases that might be true but the reasons the daughter gives, and saying she doesn’t want anyone in her mom’s life, screams entitlement.

[BaileyB]

All good parents do this and should expect it to be this way at least until the kids are well into adulthood. It's our responsibility.

 

I would never, ever expect either of my children to "give" more to me than I give to them. That's a very odd way to look at parenting.

 

I don't know anyone who has parented a teenage who expect their teen to give, more than they receive... Well said.

[basil67]

Being a parent is about paying it forward. Your mother would have given you more than she received. You give your daughter more than you receive. And she will give to her child more than she receives. And so it will go into the future.

 

The only exception to the rule is where the parent has been affected by physical/mental illness or substance abuse and the child needs to take on the parenting role.

[Malin889]

That is not a relationship. Might as well spend that time doing something rewarding like a cooking class or the gym.

 

Before your individual rights comes your parenting responsibilities.

 

Then is then, and now is another issue. At this point in her life, with the trauma of being bullied, she needs someone to proof to her she is worthy of love, and worthy of love OVER a pheudo-bf. She is not 2 years old, not 5 years old anymore, now she's a teen and every decisions you will be making now will shape your relationship (and her trust in unconditional love) for the years to come.

 

Basically what you're saying to her is I devoted my life to you up to now so from now on you won't be my priority anymore. If she were 20, sure! but right now, at her age, it's the WORST time to send the message you don't value her enough drop that pseudo-boyfriend.

 

After I left my ex I met a nice younger man. My daughter was 14. That young man was 27 and I was 35. My daughter flipped. At 14 she felt threaten by a 27 year old entering my life, her life at the same time. She opened to me and I had to make a choice. I dropped the younger man. In a heartbeat.

 

10 years later I come across that younger man in the metro and we had lunch together. I told my daughter who was into her mid-20s. My daughter apologized to me, she said Mom I am so sorry for giving you a hard time when you met him 10 years ago, I am so embarrassed! I said that's alright. AT THE TIME she was going through the hardship of teenage-hood and did not need me to add to it by dating a younger stallion.

 

I dropped men more than once when my daughter was a teen and I don't regret any of them. When I dropped that younger man I sent my daughter the signal you matter that much to me. My daughter would walk through fire for me cause I did for her.

 

That's very sweet, I agree 1000%! My daughter is 6, and I can't imagine ever choosing anyone over her! I haven't had a boyfriend since I split with her dad and I'm taking my time. It's all about her, trying to find a new job that's closer to spend more time with her, and making our new home safe. Men can wait!