Dating with a disability / my ex still wants to be friends

[Overdrive]

Good morning everyone

 

I have a condition known as colitis and it’s been very difficult to date as a result of it

 

Any advice would be really helpful on this I feel I did the right thing but it’s still hard with the feelings I have

 

I was dating my ex for about 8 months it was long distance and there was a 5 year age gap I was 28 and she was 23

 

She requested a “break” in September 2017 ( she said it was because the school )

 

But I feel bad she was lying to me because while we did a “break“ for 4 months ( Sept to dec )

 

She said some hurtful things

 

“ I thought at age 28 you would be living on your own “

“ I wish you had a Career more in your field “

 

These comments fly in the face of everything that we went through

 

 

She also promised to send me on four different occasions but backed out last minute On each of them

 

So after all that I broke up with her

 

I felt that she wasn’t taking The Break seriously by her actions

 

Along with her saying “ we shouldn’t Close ourselves off completely from others “

 

That last comment really hurt because I was doing the break for her not to date someone else

 

All these things that she’s done really hurt me because

 

1) saying these things shows a lack of empathy and understanding on her part and it disregard my condition and how difficult have any medical condition can be

 

2) she disregarded that I was making her a priority in my life and trying to understand her needs as an equal partner in the relationship

 

3) I told her about my medical condition how expensive it can be and how difficult it been right at the beginning within the first three dates and she still was fine with it for eight months

 

 

So after we broke up she wanted to maintain a friendship but I didn’t text her unless she text Me 1st

 

She kept saying that she missed me and kept say I wish I wasn’t in school

 

Again I thought to myself it’s still lie regardless of the circumstances she had plenty of time to be on her own while she was at school and focus on her degree

 

( I text her once in the morning and once at night Because I knew I didn’t want to get in the way of her studies I sent a romantic letters and I will try to Skype with her once a week so she had plenty of time for school without the relationship getting in the way )

 

Anyway This friends thing lasted till about May 2018

 

She text me to let me know that she was home from school for the summer

 

She said she Felt bad and cried about how things didn’t work out what was overwhelmed by school when we were dating and she wanted to see me after all this time

 

But I didn’t buy it because

 

1) she want to see me now that she has “time” when she promised to see me last year when she refused to see me ( not because she couldn’t) lead to me crying

 

2) The comments she said Like “ I think in 2 years we would work out” “ “ I didn’t want to do long distance for that long “ and I think we are at different points in our lives “

 

When she first contacted me on the dating site she was in school and knew that she would be done at the end of this year ( again I was fine with doing long distance and trusted her and was there with her all the way )

 

Anyway I basically told her no

 

It showed me that

 

1) she wasn’t serious about me being a suitable partner for her romantically or a future with me ( kids married

2) she didn’t value my time or effort it takes to make a long-term relationship last

3) The difficulty of dealing with a physical or mental disability that takes costly life-saving medication

And how I dealing with it since I was 15 ( 8 years before I even met her

4) despite my disability I have written children’s books and volunteer my time with the foundations

 

She even recently text me out of nowhere after 4 months to congratulate me on my success when I posted a photo of a volunteer event I help ran ( I think she did this just did this to keep communication open saying “I see that your doing well )

 

So that’s my story I feel I did the right thing and not meeting with her and

 

basically moving on because I feel like I was putting her needs above mine in

 

terms of what she did and how she now wants just a friendship

 

and not ask him what I wanted

 

Which was a romantic long-term relationship that could lead towards marriage and kids

 

Especially dealing with a disability at such a young age that will probably last with me long-term I need someone that is able to have empathy and understanding for where I am and where I am going

 

Again any advice would really help me out

[Art_Critic]

IMO you should never settle just because you feel your medical condition can cause dating issues.

 

BTW, have you tried a truly Gluten Free diet, that can help what you have tremendously.

 

I think if you are not happy with the things she said and did and did then leave the breakup as is... broken up.

 

Sounds like she was moving on regardless of anything and you just pulled the trigger first.

[Overdrive]

Thank you for your response art critic

 

I really appreciated it I guess I was just devastated by the way she treated me. Because it

 

came out of left field. Just the way she contacting me like we’re “good friends” really shows

 

a lack of understanding on her part for her actions.

 

I’m just going move on to someone else and if she contacts me when she gets home i’m

 

going to politely declined her offer if she goes into more detail as to why I’ll explain I’m still

 

sad and disappointed by the events that took place towards the end of the relationship so

 

She get the message that we’re not friends were just acquaintances at best

[mortensorchid]

I don't like her based on what you said. I don't think your condition has anything to do with it. She overanalyzes things, makes something out of nothing, and she probably does this to others in other situations. Move on.

[Overdrive]

Thank you mortensorchid for taking the time to read my post and respond I really appreciate it

 

The only reason I think my condition had something to do with it is by the words that she said

 

“ I thought you would be living on your own by age 28 “

 

If my condition had nothing to do with it she would’ve never said something like this

 

because the answer to that question is very simple

 

( especially when I told her eight months ago when we first started dating )

 

“ The medication cost near 4,000-6,000 a year out of pocket if you had to deal with that from age 15-28 I sure like to see how you would do any better dealing with something like that”

 

I’m not making excuses for my condition but I already had a plan in place and I was saving up money but she couldn’t get past that only comparing me to others that have not dealt with such a situation in their early teens

 

But you’re right she did say at one time “ she doesn’t like dealing with difficult times when it comes to relationships “

 

And I don’t know that much about her past before she met me but the little bit I do know it was a bit volatile for her

 

Anyway I’m already moving on with my life but I’m ready if she contacts me

[thefooloftheyear]

I wouldn't expect too many 23 year old girls to be sympathetic and caring of your condition...When people ask for a break. its because they want to end it but don't have the balls to cut clean, so they keep you on the hook as their life raft...Don't fall for that BS in the future...preserve your dignity...

 

 

Sounds like its time to move on..

 

TFY

Edited September 5, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[Overdrive]

Thank you thefooloftheyear for taking time to respond

 

I been hearing this a lot from people to she 23and not to expect much out of her because of

 

it but I expected the bare minimum of any romantic relationship it doesn’t matter of if your

 

20 or 80 it’s shows more in your character vs your age than anything else that you lack

 

empathy and understanding for another human

 

But I digress your right that’s kind of what I was thinking she was trying to do especially

 

when she said “we shouldn’t close ourselves off to others “

 

The last thing I’m gonna do is be “friends” and then see her on fb or Twitter in the arms of

 

another guy. So I already started dating even though it hard because I still love her

 

And if she contacts me again when she comes home I’m going to tell her that I can’t see

 

Her

 

Said