Should I keep making effort?

[Monkey234]

My so and I dated around 1 year before going long distance. I moved to another state for my job for about 4 years. Until now, we have date a total of 2 years: 1 local and 1 ldr. We didnt really discussed about ldr before I go since we didin’t know what we wanted at that time. However, we both gave our relationship a chance. Ldr was extremely hard. While I felt okay doing that, he constantly felt lonely and sad. I once suggested he could go out for hook up if he wanted because he has high sex drive. We broke up about 3 months in our ldr. At that point, i have already booked the ticket back to see him, and saw him anyways.

 

Since that break up, He came to visit me once and I fly back pretty much every month to spend time with him and stay at his place. When we were together, we were like couple, and started the “i love u” during that period. However, we only texted once a week or so when we were further apart. We never talked about our relationship and being exclusive. I dated somebody in the beginning of the break up but stopped shortly after that because I respect him. I dont wanna be back in a official relationship with him again since I am scared that we just gonna break up again.

 

Recently, I asked him can he fly to visit me once and he said he doesn’t know yet. He said he doesnt wanna make any promises because he doesnt wanna break it. He said he is happy when I am back but cannot promise me anything. If he mets any girl that he likes, he would chose that girl. I told him that he is so selfish but he justified himself saying that I should put myself in his shoes. He spent his whole life being single and another 3 years ldr is kinda too long to him to sacrify.

 

I really love him and do not know what to do now. He told me he would be with me again or even consider marry me if we could make it through another 3 years. Should I make more effort to see him?

[d0nnivain]

You are already making the effort. He's the one doing nothing. At this point you are FWB, not even really BF/GF. I would not spend more money flying to him if he's unwilling to come to you.

[Whodatdog]

He's telling you he has no interest in maintaining a serious LDR with you. Why would you settle for so little?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

He's telling you he has no interest in maintaining a serious LDR with you. Why would you settle for so little?

 

There's no reason you should settle for so little. He doesn't care about you and you will always be the one making the effort while he does jack squat for you. This kind of LDR is not worth it, been there, done that, waste of time!

[justwhoiam]

Drop him already.

[basil67]

He's telling you he has no interest in maintaining a serious LDR with you. Why would you settle for so little?

 

I could equally ask him why he's settling for so little. He's clearly not getting his needs met either, so it makes sense for both of them to move on.

[Whodatdog]

I could equally ask him why he's settling for so little. He's clearly not getting his needs met either, so it makes sense for both of them to move on.

 

No one knows if his needs are being met or not. Id bet they are.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I could equally ask him why he's settling for so little. He's clearly not getting his needs met either, so it makes sense for both of them to move on.

 

How is he settling for so little? She is the one flying out to see him every month and doesn't even want to compromise travelling to visit her.

[preraph]

LDR isn't enough for him, isn't enough for most guys and most women either. Three years is too much time wasted. You both need to stay in loose touch but just keep dating other people. If at the end of three years, neither of you is serious about someone and willing to move, then you can try again. But he is driven by wanting sex regularly, and I can just tell you that no guy I know has ever been in a faithful LDR because they are wanting sex. It is out of sight, out of mind. You need to just focus on your career and maybe meet a new guy, but don't get yourself into another LDR. They just rarely ever work out.

[shydad]

Should I make more effort to see him?

Hi Monkey234, I think you need to decide what you are looking for in a relationship. You both have seen other people, yet there has been talk of marriage. To me, these two ideas are in conflict. I think that when two people love each other, and are entertaining the idea of marriage, they should be faithful to each other.

 

To answer your question, my opinion is that no, you should not make more effort to see him. You are already going above and beyond. He should be traveling to you.

 

Also, I'm not sure how to say this in a gentle way, but I think you should value yourself more. My primary concern is with the hookup suggestion. "I once suggested he could go out for hook up if he wanted" I don't understand why he can't be faithful to you, and why you can't expect that of him.