Am I overthinking things?

[LittleRed432]

So, my boyfriend and I have lived together for a while now, and we are preparing to buy our first house together. Recently, he seems distant romantically (sometimes it can feel more like we’re just friends/room mates). We don’t generally go out of an evening, or plan very much at the weekends, but when we were first together he would be up early, planning things and getting out together. I understand that over time you get comfortable in relationships, however things just seem different. To the point where he will make excuses to not even kiss me most of the time, which really gets me down as I feel it’s something I have done. I’ve been cheated on before too, and sometimes how I feel canbe reminiscent of that time/situation. We’ve not been as ‘intimate’ Together either, which also makes me feel like he’s just not attracted to me.

 

With all this going on, the main reason I’m posting for advice is that last weekend he went out with friends he’s not seen for a while, and didn’t get home until around 4:30. Now him going out isn’t a problem to me, however the following day he was all over me...but now it’s gone back to the usual. I’m just worrying myself that while he was out in bars and clubs he’s seen girls all dressed up and was attracted to them, so when he has come back he’s wanted to be more intimate, but now it’s out of his system so to speak, it’s gone back to the normal behaviour?

 

I’ve spoken to him about feeling like just friends and wanting to do more things together before, but there’s not really been any change, and I just feel like there’s only so much I can do.

 

Is there anyone who has been through something similar or could just offer advice? Even if it’s just to give me a view from an outside perspective

[Redhead14]

So, my boyfriend and I have lived together for a while now, and we are preparing to buy our first house together. Recently, he seems distant romantically (sometimes it can feel more like we’re just friends/room mates). We don’t generally go out of an evening, or plan very much at the weekends, but when we were first together he would be up early, planning things and getting out together. I understand that over time you get comfortable in relationships, however things just seem different. To the point where he will make excuses to not even kiss me most of the time, which really gets me down as I feel it’s something I have done. I’ve been cheated on before too, and sometimes how I feel canbe reminiscent of that time/situation. We’ve not been as ‘intimate’ Together either, which also makes me feel like he’s just not attracted to me.

 

With all this going on, the main reason I’m posting for advice is that last weekend he went out with friends he’s not seen for a while, and didn’t get home until around 4:30. Now him going out isn’t a problem to me, however the following day he was all over me...but now it’s gone back to the usual. I’m just worrying myself that while he was out in bars and clubs he’s seen girls all dressed up and was attracted to them, so when he has come back he’s wanted to be more intimate, but now it’s out of his system so to speak, it’s gone back to the normal behaviour?

 

I’ve spoken to him about feeling like just friends and wanting to do more things together before, but there’s not really been any change, and I just feel like there’s only so much I can do.

 

Is there anyone who has been through something similar or could just offer advice? Even if it’s just to give me a view from an outside perspective

 

 

You've addressed it, he said he wanted to be more intimate and then things just go back to the way they were. He keeps doing that because there are no consequences. He knows you'll just let it slide again.

 

I'd say that it's time to tell him that you want to put buying a house together on hold until you're feeling like the relationship is satisfying your needs and talk about each of your contributions to the situation. You need to let him know just how serious an issue this is for you now. Have that conversation one more time with "consequences". Talk to him and then observe whether he starts demonstrating a more serious/sincere effort. It won't happen overnight, but you can set a timeline for yourself in your head -- say 2 months of consistent improvement.

 

 

In the meantime, I'd start being busy with your life. You two don't go out much, so start making plans with your friends, etc. This is not about playing games, it's about letting him see what else you need in your life and with him. Ask him if he wants to go out and do something first and if he declines, then you make plans for yourself. When he goes out, you make plans for yourself as well instead of sitting around waiting for him to come home. You don't have to make yourself available for a man who doesn't treat you like a priority and/or doesn't take you and your feelings seriously. If this man is cheating or having thoughts of cheating, you will have started helping yourself to re-establish a base for yourself and becoming focused and centered again and maybe a little stronger if the relationship does end.

 

 

And, I don't know if you two are interested in marriage, but even if you're in a long-term, live-in relationship with a man, you do not have to be "the wife". I'm not talking about intimacy, but don't be doing his laundry and/or picking up his slack in household duties etc.

Edited September 4, 2018 by Redhead14

[Camillus]

You didn't say how long you had been together.

 

 

 

I would advise you to look up the relationship stages. So many people make decisions in the early stages when chemistry is controlling their actions, later the less chemistry stages set in but you can feel like you're trapped and you must do the "right thing".

 

 

read the stages and decide where you are and if he still really wants you

[preraph]

He went out and got excited looking at other women and probably was lit as well and then he wanted sex. So you'd think he'd want to go out more, hopefully together, to get his juices flowing, right? Maybe they actually went to a strip club and that's why. I hate to think that just looking at ordinary women who aren't you would do that to him. Do you initiate and he still won't get excited enough to have sex? Have you tried all the cliche stuff like sexy lingerie? Even if you don't feel confident in it, he might like lingerie.

[maxi105]

just a quick one from me. why isn't he doing more to try to change things. my worry is that if you feel like friends now, nothing is going to change when you get your own home!!! it will always be him saving money, fixing something in the house (costing money). he's ll for money rather than love right now!!!!

 

 

it just feels like there are different imbalances here. wouldn't you rather be with someone who is more fun, someone you don't have to keep talking to and question.

 

 

relationships that exist mainly with people feeling like friends usually end up with people (or one person) realising...sometimes many years later!!! to their fault, that they really were friends, and that someone later on in life and love is the real thing.

 

 

put an ultimatum to him to do more otherwise you cant promise anything.

 

 

ask people that know you well what they think as it might help. gotta go.good luck.maxi.