Past affair partner keeps calling work. Help!

[cflet]

[]

 

I’m married and had a nearly year-long with a married man 2 years ago. My husband found out, I came clean, broke off the affair, and we did counseling. We both had done untrustworthy things during that time and have had a long road back to trust. Counseling helped a lot.

 

At the time of my husband discovering the affair, he felt strongly that the wife of the OM be told. I asked him not to and our therapist concurred to let it go. My husband also contacted the OM several times after the affair was over to “ask some questions.” Each time my husband contacted the OM, my husband told me about it and admitted that the OM ignored him (contact was through email).

 

I strongly disagreed with my husband about telling the wife and asked my husband to also stop contacting the OM. My feeling, and our therapist said the same thing, was that you never know what someone is capable of when pushed in a corner. I feel the OM is non-violent, but letÂ’s face it, he was being dishonest already by having an affair. Who really knows what someone might do? Our therapist said we needed to move forward, to trust, and to be honest if the OM contacted me again.

 

I was ready to be done a couple of months before my husband even found out, but I was being a coward and not dealing with my own issues of guilt and shame. I made it clear to the OM when I broke it off that I loved my husband, I was wrong for having an affair, my marriage was worth saving, and I did not want any further contact. I blocked his phone number, email, and social media.

 

Six months later I got a call at work from OM (small business, my boss and I answer calls). I am the one who answered, he identified himself and asked how I was doing. I immediately hung up. He called right back. I told him no further contact and hung up. I told my husband what happened and asked him to let it go. (Let me clarify two things, my husband is a reasonable, non-violent man AND I did not tell my boss about the affair, as few people would). My husband again wanted to go to the wife. I said no. He let it go.

 

Six months later, same thing, and I responded the same way. Told my husband, he contacted the OM again and told him to stop calling a. Third time it happened, my husband was livid. But he still respected my wish not to tell the wife. We figured it would eventually stop.

 

Each time OM calls, he does it from a different number. I cannot change the main number of the company I work for. He’s called twice more, the most recent being last week. every time I say “Please don’t contact me” and hang up. But the last two I didn’t tell my husband, which is wrong. At this point, my husband will not stay reasonable. The OM isn’t threatening when he calls. But I feel like it’s time to notify his wife. I don’t know what else to do.

 

I look back and know he is a serial cheater (who also cheats with multiple women at the same time). That doesn’t excuse my dumb actions. Perhaps I should have let my husband tell his wife in the beginning. Now I’m at the point where I’m tired of getting phone calls every 3-6 months, even if they are non-threatening.

 

What would you do? If you were the wife, would you want to know?

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, remove extraneous characters, edit title for clarity and move to MLP

[oldlion]

First, by not telling your husband about the last two calls, you have already put a big dent into the trust you are trying to build with him. If you don't tell him about the last two calls and he finds out about the calls himself then the first thing that is going to pop into his mind is "what did they talk about. What did they say.

 

They must have said or done something since she kept it a secret from me." The mind can make a mountain out of a molehill so fast.. Tell him right now and try to explain why you didn't tell him when it happened. As far as telling the other spouse, that should have been done the first time he called. Actually it should have been done when the affair came out.

 

He is like a rat stealing food from the pantry. If you don't cut off his entrance or trap him he is going to keep coming back for more. Your husband is nicer than me. I would have burned his world down when I found out about the affair. Remember you build trust by being open. Not telling your husband something that he should know is lying by omission. I do wish you well.

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[WilyWill]

It is well past the time to call his wife. You should have done it years ago. Now the other man is degrading your husband in front of you, by flaunting the affair in his face. And you've allowed him to do it the whole time. Have some respect for your husband, and let him tell the other man's wife.

[Adotta]

What would you do? If you were the wife, would you want to know?

 

Yes. And you would as well. You KNOW that. [] You don't want to do it because it's troublesome. Because you will get called games or judged harshly. Or your worried more details will get shook loose.

 

Tell your husband about the new contact and tell him you agree that the wife should be told.

 

It's kind of amazing that you could take something that your husband needed like informing the obs and use a third party to badger him into agreeing with you.

 

Your husband needed it. It was obviously a big issue for him. It was a moral thing to do.

BUT you couldn't deal with it. You didn't want the blowback associates with your own affair and because you where unwilling to deal with the consequences of your own actions your husband has suffered.

 

It's shouldn't have mattered that the MC agreed with you. Your husband needed it. It was HIS choice to make and you brow beat him into swallowing his own morals and pride. Very wayward behavior.

 

How has your relationship been going with hubby? Have you been accountable, understanding, open, comforting, introspective? Or have you just tried to avoid talking about it?

 

P.s the longer you hold onto the fact that this OM has contacted you and don't tell your husband the worse it will be WHEN he finds out. He won't just be mad at him. He will assume you are back in contact. Back onto the affair. It will reset R to zero.

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Camillus]

I knew a guy once who women seemed very attracted to. He slept with anyone that came along. he did it when single, when dating someone else, engaged and married. Married more three times and he kept up the same pattern. He would swear he is changed but never stopped. this guy sounds like him.

 

I can't say what you should do, your husband sounds very restrained, if it was me I would have caused him some real pain by now. The 20 million dollar question in my mind is does his wife know about his behavior? If she does there is no point telling her. On the other hand if he is secretly ruining her life then he deserves to by exposed.

 

I think you should be very careful either way.

Edited September 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Repair spacing issue

[d0nnivain]

Apparently you or your husband has an e-mail address for the OM. Send 1 email from both you & your husband:

 

OM

:

 

Stop calling my work. Your calls are unwelcome. To date you have called x number of times. This is unacceptable. You and are I done. Our affair was a mistake & it's now over.

 

If you call again I will call the police & file a complaint for harassment.

 

We never want to hear from you again!

 

Resolutely,

 

cflet & cflet's husband

 

Keep a copy of the letter. Make a log of all the calls to date for the cops. If he calls again, do file a complaint. Repeated unwelcome calls designed to harass or annoy are illegal. Also when you file the complaint, inform his wife.

[doyathinkso]

Had you been honest with the OM's wife you would not be in this pickle.

 

Let her know.

[d0nnivain]

Had you been honest with the OM's wife you would not be in this pickle.

 

Let her know.

 

 

this does not compute to me.

 

If the OP had told the OM's BS, how would that stop or prevent the OM from calling her? This guy is gonna do what he wants, regardless of the consequences. How do we know that his wife isn't just accepting of his terrible unfaithfulness but is too scared to leave him?

[preraph]

Well, I would have agreed not to tell the OM -- right up until he started harassing you at work and probably just trying to embarrass you and get you fired and being generally disrespectful and aggressive. So I would tell him that the next time you hear from him, you ARE going to let his wife know. You might even want to keep something from him for proof. I don't see why you should stick to not telling her if it's the only leverage you have over him.

[carhill]

OP, it sounds like you're still markedly into the reconciliation process. These phone calls have you distressed and your husband livid. Is that right?

 

You've had counseling in the past. Would you consider a tune-up with focus on accepting the actions of others you have no control over and learning tools to process that out to regain focus on the intimacy and priority of your marriage? How do you feel about that?

[cflet]

Thank you all for your input. It’s always very easy to say what we would all do in any given situation, but if there’s one lesson I’ve learned in my years on earth (and I’ve had plenty of time on earth), it’s that you have no idea what you will do until faced with it. A younger version of myself used to say “I would never do (insert bad behavior here).” Funny thing is, you get hard lessons in life when you say, “Never would I...”

 

I chose to keep it from the AP’s wife because I felt that otherwise it would be assuaging my own guilt and only doing their family harm. And I was scared in a different way (see below). Had he never continued to call, I would not tell her. But his actions have made me think differently.

 

To those that said I’m being dishonest by keeping last two phone calls from my spouse, you’re right. I will deal with that. I already know that by confronting the AP’s wife, I will be including my husband. We’ve been married for over 30 years. We will make it. Or we won’t. But, I will not let this continue.

 

Thank you to the people who understand that sometimes normally reasonable people can get unreasonable. I grew up with a calm father, until he wasn’t. My husband is much the same. You could push him to a certain point and then when he was backed in a corner, it would become an epic nightmare. It was all or nothing. So, thank you also to Camillus for the warning to be cautious. You obviously get it. People can and do get pushed over the edge.

 

As far as restraining order, I’ve never had to deal with that and appreciate the advice that it doesn’t take threats to issue an order. I didn’t know that. And I can see that his calm calls are threatening in a sociopathic sense.

 

I appreciate your input and am moving forward, with my husband by telling him of the past two calls. There will be no warning for the AP. The AP has already overstepped his boundaries by calling my work numerous times, even if it was non-confrontational, because I’ve asked him to cease and desist 5 times now. I have and will continue to accept the blame. But I won’t live in guilt and fear.

[BaileyB]

Apparently you or your husband has an e-mail address for the OM. Send 1 email from both you & your husband:

 

OM

:

 

Stop calling my work. Your calls are unwelcome. To date you have called x number of times. This is unacceptable. You and are I done. Our affair was a mistake & it's now over.

 

If you call again I will call the police & file a complaint for harassment.

 

We never want to hear from you again!

 

Resolutely,

 

cflet & cflet's husband

 

Keep a copy of the letter. Make a log of all the calls to date for the cops. If he calls again, do file a complaint. Repeated unwelcome calls designed to harass or annoy are illegal. Also when you file the complaint, inform his wife.

 

This is exactly what I would do.

[cflet]

this does not compute to me.

 

If the OP had told the OM's BS, how would that stop or prevent the OM from calling her? This guy is gonna do what he wants, regardless of the consequences. How do we know that his wife isn't just accepting of his terrible unfaithfulness but is too scared to leave him?

 

Thank you for understanding.

[d0nnivain]

I appreciate your input and am moving forward, with my husband by telling him of the past two calls. There will be no warning for the AP. The AP has already overstepped his boundaries by calling my work numerous times, even if it was non-confrontational, because I’ve asked him to cease and desist 5 times now. I have and will continue to accept the blame. But I won’t live in guilt and fear.

 

The only reason I suggested warning the guy before you go to the cops is that sometime that threat will make people stop, not always but sometimes. The Court route can be ugly, messy & stressful. I was trying to avoid putting you through that.

 

I would not warn him or threaten him with telling his wife. Tell her or don't but don't telegraph that move in advance to him. Also have your husband tell her not you.

[BluesPower]

You were wrong to not tell the wife... Your therapist is a fool.

 

First, the OMW has a right to know, and what you can't protect yourself and call the cops. Second, it helps to break up the affair and OM would already been leaving you alone.

 

He probably thinks your H is too weak to put his foot down, and so he comes back so he can screw you again.

 

What your are doing is protecting the OM, which is wrong and your H is too stupid to realize that you are doing this.

 

Tell the OMW, Find a new therapist, and start listening to your husband...

[doyathinkso]

This deserves repeating .....

 

You were wrong to not tell the wife... Your therapist is a fool.

 

First, the OMW has a right to know, and what you can't protect yourself and call the cops. Second, it helps to break up the affair and OM would already been leaving you alone.

 

He probably thinks your H is too weak to put his foot down, and so he comes back so he can screw you again.

 

What your are doing is protecting the OM, which is wrong and your H is too stupid to realize that you are doing this.

 

Tell the OMW, Find a new therapist, and start listening to your husband...

[carhill]

OP, send evidence, verifiable evidence, to the spouse if you choose that route. Guys like the MM here have all the angles and smooth talk worked out. Only way to bust them is with evidence. Even with that, given he's already calling from different numbers, the only way his spouse could stop that is to put him in the ground. Back in the day, MM's/MW's would use pay phones. Things are lot easier now. He's a typical fisherman. Has a lot of lines in the water. You're just one. He's got other women too. He likes it.

 

What you're looking for is the day your relationship, and psyche, is such that his calls to your place of work don't matter. You have complete control over that and he has no control. The anger and frustration keep you attached. He knows this. Basic human psychology.

 

Start with a fresh MC and work the problem together.

[preraph]

I think you have to worry a little bit about it because he knows where she works and he could be violent and start coming around waiting in the parking lot.

 

Another thing you might try is springing for an attorney to write a cease and desist letter. If nothing else, this would serve you well if he never stops and you have to file a restraining order.

 

But I think at this point you tell the wife. However, he has probably already prepared her for that, lied and said he had some crazy lying woman after him. Honestly, I live in Texas. This is when you might dispatch your ex-marine brother and boyfriend and maybe even dad over to his house to talk to him and his wife in person.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you to the people who understand that sometimes normally reasonable people can get unreasonable. I grew up with a calm father, until he wasn’t. My husband is much the same. You could push him to a certain point and then when he was backed in a corner, it would become an epic nightmare. It was all or nothing. So, thank you also to Camillus for the warning to be cautious. You obviously get it. People can and do get pushed over the edge.

 

I think you husband will be as angry - if not more so - over the fact you've hidden the calls from him as he'll be over the continued contact.

 

Still a work in progress cflet and you've lost your way a little bit. Time to refocus...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Definitely tell the wife of the AP.

 

This dude needs consequences since he has ignored your cease and desist demands.

 

Why have you sent 5 letters with NO action? He doesn't believe you will do anything - that's why he keeps calling.

 

And your H deserves to know too - that he's called.

 

YOU call his wife! Do NOT leave that task to your husband! Although I think your H should hear you talk to his wife.

 

Take responsibility for your actions.

Edited September 5, 2018 by S2B

[pepperbird]

op,

The reasons you give for why didn't tell his wife( guilt, you didn't want to hurt her) is bull. I know that's blunt, but it's the truth. The affair is what hurt her, and that horse has already left the barn.

 

 

The other reasons you have for not telling ( afraid of how he might react, your therapist's recommendation) do make more sense, but really, it's the right thing to do for both his wife and your marriage.

 

By telling his wife, especially when you indicate he's a serial cheat, you are giving her information she can use to protect herself and her family. At least she'll know not to trust her spouse and that she may need to get checked for STD's. She will also know that it might be wise to start squirreling away some emergency money so she can leave if she feels she's had enough of being treated the way he treats her.

 

If you are really worried about how he might react to his wife being told, then I would suggest seeking some legal counsel. Be open about what happened, and see what they suggest. they might have some really good ideas that you can implement and will help all of you to move forward and feel safe.

 

 

 

Whatever happens, please be true to yourself and honest with your husband. You can do it, and it can even serve to bond you and your husband even closer together. He'll know he can trust you, and you cna get this guy out of your life for good.

[cflet]

 

Why have you sent 5 letters with NO action? He doesn't believe you will do anything - that's why he keeps calling.

 

I HAVEN’T sent 5 letters. Or any letters. In the last 2 years, after I broke it off, he has called my office on 5 different occasions. From different numbers. Please read the OP before assuming. I have immediately hung up and he will call back, from a different number, again a little later. I just say, “Don’t contact me again.” And hang up. There’s been no letters...

 

 

My husband now knows.

[bathtub-row]

I doubt it will make any difference if you tell his wife but it’s worth a shot. Personally, I’d give my husband carte blanche on this one. If he wants to take the guy out to a back alley and beat the crap out of him, fine.

 

Seriously, you need to put a complete stop to this. I had a harassment situation before and a policewoman gave me some great advice. Write a letter to the harasser. The letter needs to be non-emotive. In a very matter-of-fact way, state that you consider his actions to be harassment. This is important because you can’t get legal satisfaction on this later until he has been told specifically that what he’s doing is harassment. State what those things are - calling you at work, or contacting you, your husband, any member of your family or friends in any manner. State that you have consulted with the police on this matter and if there is any further contact from him from this day forward, you will have no other choice but to officially report him to the police, to his wife, and to the HR Dept where he works. Do not make any personal statements in the letter - nothing about why he’s behaving this way, or that he’s hurting you, about your affair, or even that you wish him the best. Make it as clinical as possible.

 

Send this letter to his office, if you have that info, by courier and state that only he can sign for it. Then get that piece of paper showing his signature. If he contacts you again, do exactly what you said you’d do. My guess is, that letter will stop him in his tracks. It did with the guy that was harassing me and he was quite angry, vindictive, and bragged about having an attorney brother. The letter stopped that raging lunatic who I went out with for like two weeks. I’m guessing it’ll stop this guy. If not, let the chips fall where they may.

[cflet]

Thank you for that practical advice with experience behind it. Yes, I know where he works. We met through networking in a large city. We didn’t share our personal addresses, but that’s easy enough to find out. It’s public record. The letter will be from my husband and myself, delivered via courier to his work. His wife works there as well....so there’s that. You’re right, if he’s dumb enough to keep calling then we will let the chips fall where they may. Lesson learned...

[bathtub-row]

Another card I was able to play was that, at that time, I worked for a big corporation. When I unplugged my answering machine at home, psycho boy starting calling my office while I was off work and leaving messages. So because of that, I was able to get my company involved. They told me there was really nothing they could do legally but said that if I wanted to drag their name into it, I was welcome to. It has its effect. Nowadays, it wouldn’t surprise me if companies actually could take action. Anyway, that guy had me in deep fear for about two weeks and then I got pissed off and that’s when I took action.

 

I’m wondering if you should tell your boss about this in case the situation escalates. I mean, don’t give him the details about having an affair but perhaps prep him in case something happens. Just a thought. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to have a quick chat with a policeman to get their insights on what actions you should take.