Is she using me?

[k0sh]

I apologize for wall of text in advance but I need some wider knowledge on this one, that's 1 year shortened to as much as possible.

 

I have started working for on of the local factories in my town back in 2017

It is shift pattern job which means that one week I work on AM shift and another I work in PM shift.

While I was working on AM shift for first few weeks to gain necessary knowledge and training.

There was this girl that was working on AM shift that week. We didn't talk much and I didn't pay attention to her, although

 

She was quite pretty but it's not enough to make my heart stop I need to like the character as well.

Next week I was with other crew and I was just minding my own business.

On week 3 she approached me and started asking questions, who am I and what am I doing in here etc. one of the questions

was if I was alone or do I have family. I told her I have two kids, and then she told me she broke up with her BF because he was cheating on her and she's been single for last 5-6 months. I have told her that he probably didn't deserve her and

she's better off alone to do whatever she want's.

She started sharing more, and so was I, for me it was "honesty for honesty" and I told her that I have been working 2 jobs for last 4-5 years, my partner was not working for last 7 years, kids are "home schooled"I started this job with gaping

hole in my shoes ( it was winter back then) and that my partner smokes, I have shirts and underwear that color was coming off from being washed too many times or old age, as I had no money for my clothes. I always put my family first before me.

 

I told her I gave them everything I could do. If my GF wanted 300l fish tank I bought it, she wanted a pedigree dog? I bought it, she wanted 1500£ laptop? I bought it, you name it she had it.

I also told her that when we had argument, couple of times she was physically abusive towards me. On two ocassions she hit me in the face. Third time she hit me in the head with metal clip from dog lead which she grabbed as it was close at hand.

 

Blood was pouring from my head, kids were there in the room, I pretended it to be a joke and that dad had a paint. I went to bathroom and kneeled over bath. Blood was pouring down hard and I was in quite of a shock and did not stop the bleeding as I had no idea how to do it, anyway I told that to my work colleague. It took me 3 months to actually say that out loud.

She also started giving me complements, usually about my intelligence and how I can sort every problem out. I know myself that I can do anything I just need time or money.

These complements were present for next couple of months and because of that I developed some kind of feelings toward her.

I think it was mostly that she listened to me, cared and gave me push/complement when I needed.

All her advice pushed me to dump my ex. Although I still live in the same house we are not together anymore.

I have left her once for one day as I couldn't cope with all the stress and money issues all the time. She begged me to come back and I did.

After a month I left her for a week and came back thinking we can repair it, but now I know it's not possible.

This time I want to leave her for good.

I was also giving her some advice regarding guys that were hitting on her. She told me about a guy that lives in different city and she's unsure about him. I told her to go for it or at least try and get him for a coffe, give him or yourself a chance to see how he is. I gave her advice in several cases regarding guys overall. I also wrote down new CV for her when she asked me for it, for me it was one of the best CV's I've ever made. Going back, there was some physical contact, she was wrapping her hand around my hip level, or around neck, touching my back or pushing herself on me from behind when I was stood by PC

 

station, asking what I was doing and so on. She often asked me for help writing emails with spelling or phrases.

I stopped touching her and became distanced (no physical contact I felt eyes on me from other work colleagues ) as I had mixed feeling whenever she is being honest with me or just playing me.

I helped her with car that broke down, I helped her getting clamp removed from the car, I helped her to get to the airport, I helped her to get to car garage so she could pick up her car.She had birthday recently and I bought a gift that was

overkill and I regretted that, although I feel like I was able to pay some my debt towards her with it.She also told me a week before her birthday that I am the only person (invited to her house) from work.

She asked me recently if I can find us both a new jobs,

I agreed back then. Few months later on I was mad at work and said I will quit this jobs. Week later she approached me and said that company is not doing well and we may need to find another job. I said I did not forgot about her request and told her not to worry. Next day ( before holiday ) she asked me if I can take her to the airport as she has no one else available, I took her. While she had holiday I started actively looking for work and we had some replies. I was successful in one of the jobs I applied, I was asked out for interview. I asked recruiter how my friend application went and they say she failed as her english is not good enough. I was trying to contact her over messenger ( in the beginning of our friendship I was sending her more messages than she was to me and she was responding sometimes up to 15h later) trying to tell her what jobs I have applied to and what's the progress and so on. I've sent last message 4 days ago, I know she received them but she didn't "read" them. I personaly think she panicked and pretends not to see it. I remember that I had engaged more at the beginning and we both had a good laugh at work. She was different, much happier. We never met outside work. I was only able to ask her out for a coffe when she was tired of work and wanted to change it instantly and I was the

only person that could do it. We spoke for 3 hours, had some laugh but mainly talked about topics we already covered at work, it was the same when I was taking her to airport, nothing new just usual stories.

 

So this is long story as short as possible.

I had crush on her but it's fading ( I learned she want someone else)

Am I being played? used?

Am I so naive?

I kind of sit and wait what she will want next.

Currently I do what she ask me but I'm like "let's see what's going to happen"

 

Any idea how to call this kind of friendship/relationship?

 

Thank you to anyone who managed to read it all and thanks for your input.

[preraph]

I mean, I'm sure you know that you just told her basically that you were a giver and would accept bad behavior in return, and yes, there are many, many women who will take advantage of that (and men). That was foolish. Don't tell women you are generous. If they stick around long enough, they'll find out for themselves.

 

Over and over, you say "I did this for her, I did that for her." Did she ever do anything for you? Did she just ask and take, take take? Because that's how it sounds. So I'd have to say at minimum, she's a big taker.

 

I'm not necessarily sorry she wrecked your marriage, but you're going to attract someone else bad if you don't zip it and not just invite golddiggers and takers in. And telling her how you just took the physical abuse, wow, you do not want to tell the wrong person that!

 

I'm glad you're lukewarm about her now. When she went home for the holidays, she likely had someone there she works.

 

I'd say, make a clean break from an abusive marriage and take some time to settle before taking up with anyone. You're too easily pulled in just by someone listening to you. That shouldn't be enough. They should also show ambition and ethics.

[FMW]

preraph gave you good advice.

 

Please stop over-giving, of your time, your emotion, your money, etc. to women who don't deserve it.

 

You were mistreated by your GF and were easily infatuated with someone who paid attention to you. Fortunately you are seeing this girl is taking advantage of you and your feelings are fading for her.

 

Expect more from the next woman you get involved with, and walk away if you don't get it.

 

As for what to call your relationship with her? Just a casual work relationship. A real friendship or other relationship doesn't consist of one person doing all the giving. Again - expect more for yourself.

[preraph]

Always ask if a new woman is treating you in a way you would find it acceptable to treat her.

[shellybing]

I agree with everyone else here. . .don't put up with it.

It's bad juju she is giving you.

[Orokotikki]

Am I being played? used?

Basically. Definitely.

Am I so naive?

Yes, so far. Will you learn from this and leave this toxic person?

Does this relationship sound like what you want to model for your children?

Any idea how to call this kind of friendship/relationship?

Abusive and desperate.

 

Get out and find someone respectful and not crazy and violent.

[anika99]

Okay, well before you can meet or date anyone you really need to sort out your home life.

 

Yes this girl used you but you used her in a way too, as some sort of therapy because you were desperate for positive attention. Healthy relationships don't start out this way. Unloading all of your negative relationship experiences and feelings onto a woman, especially when it's a current relationship that you're still participating in, is not going to lead anywhere good. Someone looking to monkey branch from one woman to the next is not a good prospect.

 

Personally if I met a guy at work who told me that he was working two jobs, with holes in his shoes and no decent clothes, just so his non working abusive partner could have fish tanks and pedigree dogs, I wouldn't think wow! This guy is a catch! I would think wow! This guy has real issues that I can't fix and don't want to be a part of.

 

Be glad you are free of this girl at work. She is a user and manipulator. Don't meet or date anyone else until you get your current relationship is sorted out and behind you. You will be ready to date when you can get to know someone without it involving sad stories about your abusive ex.