Letter to the father of a suicide

[Orokotikki]

When I was 13 (I'm 34 now) I was friends with another kid (1 yr older than me) for about a year (in Boy Scouts). He killed himself.

 

I think about him a lot.

I contacted the church where his memorial was held and the pastor gave me his father's PO box, I had been looking (halfheartedly and sporadically) for information about his family to contact them for about 10 years.

 

I initially just wanted them to know that there was someone else who thought about him often and remembered him. The pastor thought he would like being reached out to as well as he tends a tree (and the area around it) that was planted in his memory regularly at that church.

 

I think the mother has since passed away (not sure, and not sure if they stayed married).

 

In the darkest times of my life, remembering all that poor boy missed out on and the pain that it must have caused his family on, has helped me rule out suicide as an option.

 

Anyway, after having drafted a few letters I am torn, I do not want to cause him any harm and here is my dilemma:

 

The boy never told me he was planning a suicide, but we had both admitted to each other that we had thought about it (it was about a year later he died).

 

Obviously I should have taken the conversation more seriously - if I had told someone perhaps the outcome would have been different. So, selfishly I have some guilt to alleviate (not that I torture myself about it or anything). I would like to apologize to him. But I also thought it may be some relief to the father that someone else should have acted and made a mistake.

 

But I have no idea about how he may feel about it. It may make him feel worse about it.

 

If you were that father or mother would hearing that latter part (about the conversation, with an apology from me for not acting) give any consolation or relief? Or better to just hear that he is remembered and missed?

[Mr. Lucky]

If you were that father or mother would hearing that latter part (about the conversation, with an apology from me for not acting) give any consolation or relief? Or better to just hear that he is remembered and missed?

 

Very painful concept to even consider. My gut says any note saying you remember and think of his son would be appreciated, whereas any rehashing of the circumstances (and your perceived role) may not be.

 

I'd just emphasize that he's gone but not forgotten. And you were a child yourself at the time, as much a victim of the occurrence as the rest of those around him. Your guilt seems misplaced...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

I would not alleviate your guilt by telling the father this. He will be really mad at you. He may even decide you are who put the idea into his head! Now, if you have any information about what the boy was struggling with, something specific, that would make him take his life, you might tell him that in case he never understood why. But not just that he was mentally ill or unhappy. It would need to be something like he was bullied or broken hearted, something that placed blame on someone else. Finding out someone talked about suicide with their son who later did it is not going to make him happy. Confess to a priest, but don't make this poor man angry and bitter again.

 

I don't think you have enough self-control to not confess to him or I would tell you that the only thing that might be nice for the father is recalling fun, happy memories of specific things the boy did or anything nice he ever said about his life or especially loving his parents so that the father can alleviate HIS guilt all parents feel when this happens to their child.

[bathtub-row]

I’m curious as to why both of you were contemplating suicide at such a young age. Was it just speculation, curiosity? Or were you both in bad situations.

 

As a kid, I don’t think you could be expected to consider the consequences of what your friend said, but if the conversation could go south quickly with the father, I wouldn’t mention it unless it would help him understand.

[Orokotikki]

TBH whatever guilt I feel/felt has always seemed small, not something I worry about or feel a "need" to confess.

For the last decade or so I just wanted to tell them he was remembered.

 

We were both overweight kids, and I basically always just chalked it up to teenage angst (at least on my end) and the moderate, consistent bullying/self-esteem issues which accompany being overweight in school. I never really knew anything about his home or personal life.

[bathtub-row]

TBH whatever guilt I feel/felt has always seemed small, not something I worry about or feel a "need" to confess.

For the last decade or so I just wanted to tell them he was remembered.

 

We were both overweight kids, and I basically always just chalked it up to teenage angst (at least on my end) and the moderate, consistent bullying/self-esteem issues which accompany being overweight in school. I never really knew anything about his home or personal life.

 

I see. So, you don’t know specifically why he did what he did, although you suspect the reasons. I think the father would appreciate that someone remembers his son and still thinks about him.

[d0nnivain]

I think the father would love to know that you remember his child.

 

However, do not mention that his son talked about suicide with you. For one, you were just a kid yourself. Two, all you will do is make the father feel worse, like it could have been prevented. It could not. You certainly could not have changed things. Even if you told someone, there is no guarantee you would have been taken seriously & then your friend probably would have denied it.

 

If you still feel guilty, get involved in a group called Walk Out of the Darkness. It's a support group for friends & family of someone who took their own life.

 

My EX killed himself. Every year on certain milestones, particularly the anniversary & his birthday I do take the time to reach out to his family. The appreciate the remembrance. No matter how someone passed, the family does draw comfort knowing their loved one is remembered & missed.

 

Share that part with your friend's father not your own guilt. Please don't unburden yourself by making this heartbroken man feel worse. Coming from an adult he may not remember you were only a kid then too.

[Orokotikki]

Thanks all, think you are all right on the head that talking about that conversation I had will not likely do anything helpful to him, and has disastrous potential. So I will just tell him (via letter) that I think of his son often over the years and will never forget him.

[bathtub-row]

Thanks all, think you are all right on the head that talking about that conversation I had will not likely do anything helpful to him, and has disastrous potential. So I will just tell him (via letter) that I think of his son often over the years and will never forget him.

 

I’m sure he’ll really appreciate that!

[Orokotikki]

I received a very kind thank you card from his father yesterday. (I did not send the letter until recently).

 

He said my letter reached him when he was at a very low point and that it lifted his spirits. It felt very nice to hear that I had helped someone in some way.

[preraph]

I know keeping his son's memory alive is a good thing. Glad it turned out well. Hope you don't blame yourself anymore. But very glad the experience made you realize how suicide destroys others around you and that you're still here with us!

[alphamale]

you had nothing to do with your friends actions. stop feeling guilty. be very careful about what you say (or do not say) to his parents. I probably wouldn't reveal the conversation you had with him. leave his parent(s) with happy thoughts and don't re-open old wounds

[bathtub-row]

That’s so nice to hear! I’m glad you sent the letter.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks all, think you are all right on the head that talking about that conversation I had will not likely do anything helpful to him, and has disastrous potential. So I will just tell him (via letter) that I think of his son often over the years and will never forget him.

 

 

that is such a kindness to do for the father and i feel for yourself.....to reach out..you dont need to tell him anything else i agree with previous posters...im sure the father will appreciate your gesture and remembrance...deb

[Mr. Lucky]

It felt very nice to hear that I had helped someone in some way.

 

Glad it was well-crafted and warmly received...

 

Mr. Lucky