'Needing,' and addictions in relationships.

[fromheart]

So I was reading a psychology article on the problems with dating, it was written by a man and directed at men.

 

What came to mind is that it was written for men who seem to need something. In this case, they need dating and sex maybe in the eventual hope of getting what they want, a relationship.

 

And I would suggest that this is why most relationships fail. We go out there into the dating world needing something from the opposite sex. The need to feel better about ourselves and our lives. For a while, it seems to work. Then the problems start to come in, our needs aren't being met.

 

How about we enter an encounter or a relationship with, 'I'm as content as I realistically can be at this point in my life, it would be great to share intimacy with you, but I would be just as happy to go home and get back to the things I love in life...'

 

There seems to be so much addictive behavior with intimacy, its like watching people with a drug dependency in many ways.

 

Many of us have experienced that relationships flow when we quite simply don't need them to. Sex and love is sharing, not just having needs fulfilled.

 

An addiction covers up something. If sex/love is based on addiction and covering things up that can be very destructive.

 

Of course, we need food, water, shelter etc. But we don't NEED sex and romance. We'll survive just fine without it. Maybe to be just as happy without it, means that we are ready for it.

 

My thought for the day, thanks for reading.

[preraph]

Until I hung out at Loveshack, I never realized the extent which getting sex runs men's lives. I guess I was lucky because I was in a group who actually did like one thing better than women, music, but at the same time loving music led to them being able to get women, though not always the ones they thought they wanted. If you want to see a group of guys ignoring pretty women, go to a guitar convention sometime. They're all just huddled together talking shop and not even looking at the women. It's refreshing.

[Art_Critic]

Seems that falls along the lines of you can't love someone else till you love yourself...

 

I always gave myself enough time between relationships to bring back some of the self love and self confidence so when I dated I wasn't looking to fill a void.

 

I also believe unmet/unreal expectations is a big reason why relationships fail, my own marriage has had issues with that and we have to work to overcome them.

[carhill]

OP, could you link to that article? I'd enjoy reading it.

 

This article in Psychology Today, penned by a female psychologist, discusses what men need from relationships.

 

One passage in the preamble pointed out a marked issue I've observed, at least in my generation of men, and women...

 

Men are socialized beginning in boyhood to conform to what the culture values as masculine. This includes being in control of one's emotions, winning at all costs and not showing vulnerability. Men who do not wholeheartedly conform are often stigmatized socially and may be viewed by others as ‘feminine’ in some vague way. Men who display vulnerability may be called a “sissy” or, currently in fashion, a “vagina.”

 

Research suggests that men who feel they must rigidly conform to masculine gender norms are more likely to suppress emotions that make them feel vulnerable. These are the very emotions required for emotional intimacy with a romantic partner.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201410/what-do-men-need-women-5-insights

 

The rest of the article covers five points of 'need' from a male perspective, or at least how that female psychologist perceives it in practice.

 

I covered the 'love bank' aspect of relationships in MC. How spouses mutually make deposits and withdrawls in a dynamic both spouses find satisfying and healthy; also how if one or the other trends to few deposts and many withdrawls, or many deposits and few withdrawls, imbalance and unhealthiness can develop. At some point, if the imbalance is pervasive, the love bank is completely withdrawn and one or both spouses are abandoned.

 

As for 'addiction', sure the brain chemicals involved in reproduction, which is basically what relationships turn upon, the sexual ones anyway, are some of the most addictive substances known. Nature intended them like that so the organism would reproduce, especially an organism that developed to our relatively complex cognitive state. If all we did was eat and sleep and poop/pee, it would be different. A million things in life tug us in all directions but the organism is compelled to reproduce and sex, and romance for those so inclined, are a part of that.

 

IME, the more one's personality and brain is generally addictive, the more addicted one will be to relationship brain chemicals and relationship 'needs'. Less, less.

 

I remember a common refrain I'd hear, when socializing with friends after my divorce where, as customary as when married, once the meal was served and eaten and the men gathered around the BBQ drinking beer and the women went in the house, I'd start picking up the service and taking stuff in because, well, the ladies had worked their butts off to feed and water the crew. The refrain from the men was 'You know, someday you'll make someone a good wife'

 

While perhaps said in humor, it reflected the social opinion common to my generation and social circle. To me, I was making a contribution to the group love bank by appreciating the efforts of others and reciprocating and showing respect for the host in a casual get-together. The host never complained or chided me, rather always thanked me. No thanks was sought but certainly was accepted.

 

I remember, when married, a period of marked calm, being very comfortable in enjoying life with my spouse and making contributions to the marital love bank. It was only when I started feeling abandoned that an unrest and upset started permeating daily life. The 'addiction' if any was to the marital intimacy and bond, not sex. In fact, when feeling abandoned, even where sex was easily available with my spouse, it felt 'wrong'.

 

Anyway, I'm sure another guy will come along and say 'I need sex' and everyone will nod. Society likes familiarity and simplicity when it comes to men. Eat, work, bang, pay your taxes, die. The guys who get that get the social seal of approval. That's how life works. Personally, I'm glad there's no shortage of them so the species can continue.

[salparadise]

Of course, we need food, water, shelter etc. But we don't NEED sex and romance. We'll survive just fine without it. Maybe to be just as happy without it, means that we are ready for it.

 

No, I just don't agree. I believe that love, belonging, connectedness and sex are fundamental human needs.

 

A need is not necessarily defined by whether or how long you can survive without something, but we do know that babies who do not receive enough love and human contact will suffer from failure to thrive, and lack of belonging is a key risk factor for suicide in adults. Most normal, well adjusted people will rank love and intimacy (both kinds) as a top priority in their lives.

 

There are outliers, people who are either addicted to love/sex, needy beyond what would be considered healthy, or the other extreme, shunning human contact and interaction, or emotionally damaged such that they cannot give or receive love.

 

Humans are social animals, and those who are the most social, the most able to give and receive love are almost universally considered to be the most healthy and well adjusted.

 

I wonder if that article was just being used as clickbait. Of course I didn't read the article (and don't much care to), but I do not think the key to life is to not care about love/belonging/sex. i think that's the most ridiculous thing I've heard recently.

[thefooloftheyear]

It's like just about anything else in life....

 

If it isn't hard to get, then it doesn't really become a "need" or an "addiction" anymore...

 

The people that struggle are more likely to seem needy or dependent...

 

TFY

[fromheart]

 

I wonder if that article was just being used as clickbait. Of course I didn't read the article (and don't much care to), but I do not think the key to life is to not care about love/belonging/sex. i think that's the most ridiculous thing I've heard recently.

 

 

Your not understanding what I'm saying.

 

Addiction to being and needing to be loved, gets in the way of love. It means we're striving for something, that is easily and naturally accessible.

 

I'd say it's there in an infinite form, when we stop needing it.

[fromheart]

Until I hung out at Loveshack, I never realized the extent which getting sex runs men's lives. I guess I was lucky because I was in a group who actually did like one thing better than women, music, but at the same time loving music led to them being able to get women, though not always the ones they thought they wanted. If you want to see a group of guys ignoring pretty women, go to a guitar convention sometime. They're all just huddled together talking shop and not even looking at the women. It's refreshing.

 

Yeah, I'm a musician myself so can totally relate. Put a Les Paul Custom in front of me and I can't think about anything else. Women have jibed me over the years about it, but I've never had a woman leave me for applying myself to creativity.

[preraph]

Yeah, I'm a musician myself so can totally relate. Put a Les Paul Custom in front of me and I can't think about anything else. Women have jibed me over the years about it, but I've never had a woman leave me for applying myself to creativity.

 

I like that in a man. I bought someone a beat-up Les Paul Junior one time. When he saw it, it was like how I am when I see a puppy.

[todreaminblue]

all people need intimacy and affection....from childhood not just as adults..deviant behavior is also linked in with lack of intimacy and natural human needs like affection and intimacy

 

 

a lot of the time a lack of role models who provided such examples and actual physical affection in childhood....allows for deviant behavior to seep in....i know a whole orphanage fo boys who are basically all dead from the seventies who were molested by men(priests) who didnt need sex....

 

........its been proven scientifically to be necessary for healthy development and growth...sex addiction is a different kettle of fish....

self mastery of sexual desire is necessary....not just snail trailing from bed to bed....

 

but having meaningful honest intimate relationships with someone you love who loves you back..in my opinion marriage is the best way to have this type of relationship[ i feel...because then....when children are born they get to see two role models who work through their relationship...good times and bad and be able to be that healthy intimate relationship to young men and young women to model themselves on..

 

too much emphasis media and peer pressure is put on the sex side without .....love...thats the problem....not the need for sex with love....but the need for sex....sex and real love for each other should be together....preferably enough to marry that person and show commitment..both together....is the most necessary thing on the planet...for society to not continue to decline.......deb

 

 

.........

[fromheart]

I like that in a man. I bought someone a beat-up Les Paul Junior one time. When he saw it, it was like how I am when I see a puppy.

 

You sure know your way to a guitarists heart

[fromheart]

 

too much emphasis media and peer pressure is put on the sex side without .....love...thats the problem....not the need for sex with love....but the need for sex....sex and real love for each other should be together....preferably enough to marry that person and show commitment..both together....is the most necessary thing on the planet...for society to not continue to decline.......deb

 

 

.........

 

I'm not suggesting stopping sex and love, just letting it happen by not having a life or death need for it.

 

Put it this way, how attractive is going on a date with a man who obviously needs to have sex? Compared to a man who's fully at home within himself, has a genuine smile and a vital energy about him that suggest sexuality, without him even trying?

 

For me, the woman in the second category has my full attention every time.