The "trials" of co-parenting...

[Surfer Joe]

I'm 41 years old and divorced for 3 years. I have a son who is 8.5 and a daughter who is 6. My ex and I split custody/placement 50/50 - so it's a pretty good deal - well...best deal I could have hoped for. The divorce was my idea and I still don't know why it happened...but that's another story for another day.

 

My ex and I have not always gotten on that great. I would describe her as a narcissist and that has made things difficult. For several years everything honest question/concern I had was taken like it was a personal attack and that I was questioning her parenting skills.

 

She started dating a guy maybe 6 months after we divorced and he moved in with his 2 small kids pretty darned quick (couple of weeks). They have since had a child of their own, but their relationship is rocky. The guy is bad news - and I don't say that out of spite. I'm dating a wonderful woman and I really wish my ex nothing but the best - but this guy is a creep.

 

I don't really want to get into him - but early on I reported him to CPS 3 times (nothing came of it) for various offenses. He's cold and unfriendly to my kids. They can't stand him.

 

My relationship with my ex has improved a lot over the last year. I've made a real effort to push for better communication and I think we're getting along better right now than we have in many years. It really helps.

 

That said - it's still tough. It's hard finding and maintaining a balance between households. I just had them 7 of the last 8 nights due to the holiday and while I'm sad not to have them tonight - I also recognize that I need a break. Nerves were getting frayed by last night. It's hard being the only adult in the situation. My girlfriend helps out, but our relationship is still pretty new.

 

Guess the point of all of this is to start a discussion about co-parenting. It's still hard for me. I really do miss them when they're not with me. I sometimes overcompensate when I do have them - trying to make every moment count.

 

I know they really enjoy being at my house. I know that is is a more relaxed atmosphere and that when they are with mom - they have to vie for attention with her psycho boyfriend, a baby, and then 2 other kids. I just sense such a feeling of relief in them when they spend an extended period of time with me. It's hard sending them back, but I know I have to.

[Mr. Lucky]

The divorce was my idea and I still don't know why it happened...

 

Seems in itself contradictory.

 

That said - it's still tough. It's hard finding and maintaining a balance between households. I just had them 7 of the last 8 nights due to the holiday and while I'm sad not to have them tonight - I also recognize that I need a break. Nerves were getting frayed by last night. It's hard being the only adult in the situation. My girlfriend helps out, but our relationship is still pretty new.

 

I think it helps to understand your ex is operating under the same constraints and circumstances in a general sense. And children of divorced parents become pretty good at telling each some of what they want to hear. I had success by letting go and understanding my son's experiences at my ex's house were simply going to be different - not better or worse, just different. And while mom's BF is definitely a wildcard, she may have her own concerns about your GF.

 

Focus on your own life and time with your kids. For better or worse, that's the hand divorce deals you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

I responded to your last thread about your issues with your gf. This thread actually allowed me to see things from her perspective. I’m not sure many woman without kids would be willing to get into a relationship with a guy with small kids plus ex drama. You seem to expect your gf to help you out with taking care of your kids. She is not the nanny. If you’re not happy about your wife’s living with her bf, you can fight for more custody. But it sounds like you’re not capable of taking care of the kids more frequently anyway.

 

Finally, what are some of the creepy things the bf has done, specifically?

[bathtub-row]

If anyone labors under the delusion that raising kids is easy, they’ll get a wake-up call really quickly.

 

First, stop overcompensating with your kids. It makes them insecure. They don’t need to feel sorry for themselves. They need for you to show them that life isn’t always easy and how to navigate that. Kids feel very displaced when the adult panders to them. Be normal, like you would even if you and their mom were still together. Say no to them when they want something even if you can afford it. Say no when you notice that your yes’s are becoming imbalanced. Don’t let your kids do things that piss you off. Because if it pisses you off, it’ll most likely piss off the rest of the world. A parent’s primary job is to guide their children so that they’re functional, successful, and acceptable in society.

 

Direct your kids about what to do if their mother’s current bf makes them feel in danger. Of course, don’t talk badly about your ex in front of the kids but let them know that you’re there for them in emergencies.

 

Finally, your kids aren’t your buddies and don’t make the mistake of treating them that way. I’ve seen single parents do this over and over. It makes me cringe. You must let your child be a child, you must be the adult, you must take the lead with a gentle firm hand.

 

Your kids need to understand that when they’re at their home with you, they abide by your rules. It’s irrelevant what the rules are at your ex’s house. The less you concern yourself with your ex, the better.

[Surfer Joe]

I responded to your last thread about your issues with your gf. This thread actually allowed me to see things from her perspective. I’m not sure many woman without kids would be willing to get into a relationship with a guy with small kids plus ex drama. You seem to expect your gf to help you out with taking care of your kids. She is not the nanny. If you’re not happy about your wife’s living with her bf, you can fight for more custody. But it sounds like you’re not capable of taking care of the kids more frequently anyway.

 

Finally, what are some of the creepy things the bf has done, specifically?

 

Actually, I don't expect her to help out. I assume full responsibility and I'm quite happy with the arrangement. I've never asked her to help, but I'm learning to let her help when she feels comfortable doing so - so not sure where you get that I expect her to be a nanny. That is far from the reality of the situation.

 

I don't want to fight for more custody because I understand the importance of them having time with their mom. I just wish the situation was better.

 

I have consulted with a lawyer - especially when some of the heavier CPS stuff was going on - and she felt there wasn't enough there to go after more custody. She felt it would be too much of a he said, she said case.

 

The situation at her house has improved, but that has come from me putting pressure on them to change.

 

He was reported to CPS for leaving a hand print bruise on my daughter's rear, for grabbing my son around the neck hard enough to leave a bruise, and for wiping soiled underwear in my daughter's face. I only reported the 3rd one. The first 2 were reported by mandatory reporters at school. CPS investigated, but nothing came out of it. They came and talked to my daughter at school about the underwear and she told me she told them she didn't remember it happening because she was embarrassed. This behavior has stopped.

 

He's put liquid soap in my son's mouth as a punishment. He's put hot sauce in his mouth. He likes to belittle him - using really hurtful words.

 

I could go on and on...but the reason for my initial post was just to discuss the ins and outs of effectively co-parenting.

[Surfer Joe]

Seems in itself contradictory.

 

 

 

I think it helps to understand your ex is operating under the same constraints and circumstances in a general sense. And children of divorced parents become pretty good at telling each some of what they want to hear. I had success by letting go and understanding my son's experiences at my ex's house were simply going to be different - not better or worse, just different. And while mom's BF is definitely a wildcard, she may have her own concerns about your GF.

 

Focus on your own life and time with your kids. For better or worse, that's the hand divorce deals you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I meant to say it was "her" idea and I still don't know why!?

[Mr. Lucky]

He was reported to CPS for leaving a hand print bruise on my daughter's rear, for grabbing my son around the neck hard enough to leave a bruise, and for wiping soiled underwear in my daughter's face. I only reported the 3rd one. The first 2 were reported by mandatory reporters at school. CPS investigated, but nothing came out of it. They came and talked to my daughter at school about the underwear and she told me she told them she didn't remember it happening because she was embarrassed. This behavior has stopped.

 

He's put liquid soap in my son's mouth as a punishment. He's put hot sauce in his mouth. He likes to belittle him - using really hurtful words.

 

I know this wasn't the reason for your post, but neither CPS nor your attorney thought this was actionable? System fail...

 

Mr. Lucky

[noelle303]

I know this wasn't the reason for your post, but neither CPS nor your attorney thought this was actionable? System fail...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know. To me that sounds like straight up abuse.

 

As far as co-parenting goes...I don't know what to tell you. It's a case-by-case thing. Some exes can be super friendly, some are at each other's throats, I guess you have to find the dynamic that best works for your situation. Sometimes, that means keeping communication to a minimum.

 

My ex and I? We are cordial. We talk when we need to talk, I drop my daughter off, pick her up, we exchange hellos and any information that is necessary. That's it. Keep it short, to the point and respectful. Other than that, I do not pry into his home life, he does not pry into mine.

 

The only time I would make his home life my business, would be if I had even a little bit of a suspicion that my daughter was being abused. At that point I would fight tooth and nail that he gets only supervised visitation.

[Surfer Joe]

I know this wasn't the reason for your post, but neither CPS nor your attorney thought this was actionable? System fail...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It was a total system fail. I live in the most populous county in the state - so I'm sure that doesn't help. I was actually "warned" by someone who had worked in child services that the odds of my cases even making it past the first culling were slim. It's really sad and yes - I completely believe it was abuse.

 

The first incident was reported by my aunt - who is a nurse. She was helping my daughter use the bathroom and noticed it and being a mandatory reporter - she reported it. I also took her to see her doctor, but by that point the bruise had faded enough that he couldn't say definitively whether or not it was a bruise - but he also reported it.

 

The second incident - the one with my son - I took him to the doctor right away to get it checked out and documented and the doctor agreed it looked suspicious and reported it.

 

The third incident with the soiled underwear I reported.

 

I was never contacted by CPS for any follow up questions (not sure if that is the protocol). I was never contacted by CPS regarding anything. I tried calling many times, but never got very far.

 

I know CPS stopped by my ex's after the first incident (it took several weeks) , but they denied everything.

 

CPS did visit both of my kids at school after the underwear incident and my daughter was too embarrassed to talk about it. She told me when I picked her up and apologized for not telling the truth and that kind of broke my heart - but it also allowed him to skate again.

 

The lawyer I've spoken with is good. She is one of the better known family law lawyers in town. She definitely knows her stuff and she straight up told me she knew the situation was bad, but what made it worse was that she truly felt there wasn't enough to go on. I would have had to make an accusation without any proof - other than what my kids had said. She told me it was very risky and that I stood to lose more than I gained.

 

She did advise me to keep a diary of everything that has gone on (I have and continue to keep one).

 

Other than that - it has really come down to me being very diligent and forceful and to make sure they know they're on constant notice. It has improved in some regards. The big incidents have stopped.

 

The arbitrary punishments (liquid soap in the mouth and so on) have also stopped. My son would get hot sauce in his mouth for looking at her boyfriend wrong or for not answering a question quickly enough. If he got scared and/or anxious and struggled to get out a reply he'd be called "retarded" and "stupid" and stuff like that.

 

It's taken a toll on me, but it has been worth it. I've also really been working on improving my relationship with my ex. I just feel that if we're on better terms - it will help out and I think it has. I also think it has helped drive a wedge further between her and her bf - which is also not a bad thing.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's taken a toll on me, but it has been worth it. I've also really been working on improving my relationship with my ex. I just feel that if we're on better terms - it will help out and I think it has. I also think it has helped drive a wedge further between her and her bf - which is also not a bad thing.

 

I commend both your approach and diplomacy. Not sure I'd be strong enough to show the same restraint and it's obvious you're acting with your kid's best long-term interests at heart...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Surfer Joe]

I commend both your approach and diplomacy. Not sure I'd be strong enough to show the same restraint and it's obvious you're acting with your kid's best long-term interests at heart...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

There were times where I wanted to take matters into my own hands - where the anger really flashed - but I was lucky that I was always able to pull myself back.

 

I really think I can best protect them by 1) being able to communicate with my ex - if something is happening I don't like I need to be able to talk to her about it and 2) keeping things cordial enough that I can get insight into what is going on.

 

I'm not going to get "satisfaction" through the system right now, but if I keep my head above water - and keep taking the high road - I hope I'm being a good example - a positive influence and that my kids will remember that.

 

Anyway, rough morning. It's the start of her weekend. I dropped them at school and I won't see them again until Tuesday afternoon. It's always hard. I can sense the anxiety - especially in my son - though my daughter started sobbing at drop off - she wouldn't let go of me. That was tough.

 

I do know that I need to take this coming weekend to get myself rested up. I know I'm not the best dad I can be when I'm worn out. I've had them 8 of the last 10 nights. I had a few extra days due to this being my turn for Labor Day.

 

I know I get worn out. I know my patience runs thin. Last night was hard. Bedtime was rough. Listening was poor and behavior was not great. It's a sour way to end the week - makes me feel unsettled.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I could go on and on...but the reason for my initial post was just to discuss the ins and outs of effectively co-parenting.

 

The abuse your children are experiencing at the hands of mom's boyfriend is far more important to discuss/resolve than your unhappiness with co-parenting, IMO.

[Malin889]

You absolutely should report the other past things the boyfriend did if you can. This man should not be allowed near the kids. Does your ex see that, or maybe he’s hurting her too and she’s afraid to leave..?? Just guessing. Someone needs to help the kids. I know it’s hard and exhausting to go through all this and go to court, but it needs to be done. I went to court recently because my daughter’s father harasses me and doesn’t pay child support, amongst other things... but that’s a story for another time. (he’s a real winner!), and we spent several exhausting hours there with my attorney and mediators, but it was worth it. The kids are your first priority and you need to get them away from this man. I’d love to know which state doesn’t see those things as offense-able.

[anika99]

I feel so bad for your kids. They are still so little and they are being emotionally and mentally abused. I'm horrified that their own mother doesn't protect them.

 

I think you are doing things the best you can. I agree that you need to stay close to the situation and ever vigilant. Thank God your kids are able to escape to your house at least half of the time.

 

I have no advice, just wishing you and especially your kids the best.

[Surfer Joe]

The kids are in a better place than they have been. It was really bad when he first moved in. That was when all of the CPS stuff happened and when I consulted with a lawyer to look at taking her to court.

 

As I have asserted myself more and more and with more force - things have changed and he's backed off.

 

I do believe my ex is starting to realize what a cretin he is. We've had some good talks recently and they nearly split a few weeks back. I think it is a matter of time.

 

The current situation is that they have to spend 50% of their time with a guy who has gone from being an abusive bully to a guy who just really isn't there on all counts. He works a lot of overtime and when he's there - I guess he's become very hands off and detached.

 

It still requires me to be very diligent and that can be tiring. I was actually really happy when she sent me the text that he was moving out - but then they apparently patched things up...but I feel like it's only a matter of time.

[Surfer Joe]

This is slightly off topic with my original post - but maybe not. I'm struggling with how much I let my girlfriend get involved with my parenting.

 

She's staying with us more and more. Her new job is closer to my house than to where she had been staying and we decided she would stay by me Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights.

 

She was going to stay with her mom on Tuesday nights (which meant a longer drive for her to get to work) - but it looks like Tuesday is now in the mix and she'll be staying Sunday through Thursday.

 

The only night she would consistently be there with the kids would be Thursday and even then - she doesn't get to my house until late due to her second job.

 

I'm okay with her being there. She has not moved in. She just stays overnight and is gone before they even wake up.

 

The kids really like having her there and she really likes the kids and she has been very respectful about being "hands off" when it comes to parenting. I say that in the sense that she'll hang in the background and let me do my thing and I'm okay with that.

 

She'll help out when it is appropriate, but she leaves the heavy lifting to me and that is how I want it right now. Our relationship is too new and they're my kids so I should be the one to do most of the heavy lifting.

 

That said - in private - she will voice an opinion and sometimes I am not comfortable with that. She's a little more strict than I am - but strict in the sense that she doesn't have kids and I think through experience that you sometimes need to be flexible/fluid.

 

The kids really fought me at bedtime last week. First time they have done that when she has been over and the following nigh (kids were at my ex's house) she expressed her opinion about how I should handle it and it was not in line with how I felt it should be handled. It did not make me comfortable and it also made me a little angry (not sure if that is the right word).

 

I've appreciated how she's handled herself around the kids. She has been respectful, but it was tough having that discussion with her. I had to push back and it was tense.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you should respect both her opinion and right to offer it. And she should respect your right to ignore her advice and input. Nothing wrong with discussion, it helps us see things from different perspectives. I know it's hard, but I'd do my my best to avoid getting defensive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Surfer Joe]

I think you should respect both her opinion and right to offer it. And she should respect your right to ignore her advice and input. Nothing wrong with discussion, it helps us see things from different perspectives. I know it's hard, but I'd do my my best to avoid getting defensive...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is how I've been trying to handle it and I think the feeling is mutual.

 

As much as we're alike, we're also quite different. She is a planner. She likes things to run a certain way. I like having a plan, but I'm also more relaxed in deviating from that plan.

 

Last night was the first night she was over while the kids were there following last week's bedtime mess. She didn't get there until later in the evening (which I appreciated as it allowed the kids and me to reconnect and spend time together).

 

Bedtime was much better. The kids listened well (for the most part). I got them into bed on time. They didn't horse around too much, but I somehow fell asleep by them. I was so tired. I woke up around 11:30 and got into bed with my girlfriend (she was already asleep).

 

I don't think she was upset about it, but I was hoping for a very clean evening: get the kids into bed without too much fuss and then get into bed with her and talk/connect/whatever before falling asleep.

 

I definitely overthink things and I'm overthinking this. I just push myself pretty hard. I work a lot of hours. I watch over 2 small children 50% of the time. I'm involved in a lot of their activities and I'm maintaining an adult relationship. I have a surprising amount of energy, but sometimes I just crash and last night I just crashed.

[JuneL]

I thought your gf has handled perfectly regarding your kids. Personally, I’d never get into a serious relationship with a man with small kids: you have to share lots of responsibilities (including lots of constraints) with zero rights.

[Mr. Lucky]

Personally, IÂ’d never get into a serious relationship with a man with small kids: you have to share lots of responsibilities (including lots of constraints) with zero rights.

 

But also the possibility of great return. My son has always had a special relationship with my wife (his stepmom) and she's become "top grandma" as he's had kids of his own, helped by my ex being very difficult to deal with, even for him.

 

She always said she had the best of both worlds, got to do all the fun stuff but have me do the heavy lifting as far as discipline, etc. All a matter of perspective...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

But also the possibility of great return. My son has always had a special relationship with my wife (his stepmom) and she's become "top grandma" as he's had kids of his own, helped by my ex being very difficult to deal with, even for him.

 

She always said she had the best of both worlds, got to do all the fun stuff but have me do the heavy lifting as far as discipline, etc. All a matter of perspective...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I’m actually okay if the kids are older, like in high school on their way to college to become an independent adult.

[Surfer Joe]

I’m actually okay if the kids are older, like in high school on their way to college to become an independent adult.

 

I definitely get what you're saying. I keep trying to see it through her eyes and I know it must be difficult at times.

 

There are time constraints from simply not being available on certain days to having to fit a relationship around the schedules of 2 small children.

 

I'm thinking it's also difficult to be in the background and to have opinions and feel like you can't chime in. I know she has some opinions about my bedtime troubles, for instance.

 

She did know that I had 2 kids when we met and while I think we're both finding it is tougher than we thought - I also feel like we're willing to make it work. It just feels a little awkward right now and I hope it feels less awkward sooner than later.

[Surfer Joe]

But also the possibility of great return. My son has always had a special relationship with my wife (his stepmom) and she's become "top grandma" as he's had kids of his own, helped by my ex being very difficult to deal with, even for him.

 

She always said she had the best of both worlds, got to do all the fun stuff but have me do the heavy lifting as far as discipline, etc. All a matter of perspective...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is kind of where we're at...but in the very early stages of developing that dynamic. I don't expect her to do any of the heavy lifting and right now - all I really ask of her is that she continues to work on developing a relationship with the kids.

 

My biggest worry is that there will be friction over how I parent. I have my own style (as all parents do). I'm not always great with sticking to a plan in regards to stuff like bedtime routines. I definitely try - but I can be a little too lax at times. I'm also one how will change things up as the situation changes.

 

She seems more of a by the books kind of person. She was raised in a stricter household. I think that if she was in charge - life would look different. She's a planner. She's better at hard love than I am.

 

She has - for the most part - let me do my thing...but I know the bedtime issues of the last couple of nights have bothered her. I think she feels I'm not hard enough on them. I'm for working with them to solve it - she's more of an "action" person. They're bickering too much at bedtime? She'd put them back in separate bedrooms and so on.

 

I'm all for listening to her advice and ideas. I'm open minded. I won't dismiss out of hand, but when it becomes judgmental I close up a bit. That gets under my skin.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think that if she was in charge

 

Except she's not.

 

There's a lot of different parenting ways to get the job done. There's a right place but not "one" right way. Just as you should consider her input, hopefully she'll respect your role...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Surfer Joe]

Except she's not.

 

There's a lot of different parenting ways to get the job done. There's a right place but not "one" right way. Just as you should consider her input, hopefully she'll respect your role...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Good way to put it. While she doesn't have kids, she's worked with kids for a long time - so she has some decent insight.

 

Guess the thing is that as you said - there is not "one" right way and I've had to learn that through trial and error. Yes, I have routines set out for school mornings and nights. It helps keep things on track, but I've also learned it is okay to deviate from those routines sometimes.

 

Anyway, things are going okay right now. It's still a little strange - trying to merge both strands together. It isn't always smooth. I'm trying to be mindful that I am in charge when it comes to my kids and that while I will always listen to her input - I'm their parent.