Author Surfer Joe Posted September 26, 2018 Author Share Posted September 26, 2018 Quick update. Things are going well. I feel like we're all getting the hang of being together. It's a slow process, but it hasn't been as stressful as I feared it might be. My g/f typically doesn't come home until 6/6:30 - which gives the kids and me several hours to just chill and reconnect. She has her job and she's also in school - so she is usually busy, but still finds time to interact with us - which I feel is important. When it comes to parenting - it's all on me - which is how it should be at this point, though she will lend a hand now and then...but she has been very respectful to let me do what I feel I need to do. My kids enjoy her company. I think they don't get much attention at their mom's house, so they really appreciate kindness. I'm still getting used to having her around so much. Like I said - it's gone better than I feared it might. I had gotten so used to not having another adult in the house and it has been an adjustment, but we're doing okay. I do worry about getting enough one-on-one time with the kids. It's been okay, but there is a part of me that misses the nights where we'd come home and it would just be the three of us - from the time the school bell rang until we went to bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 I do worry about getting enough one-on-one time with the kids. It's been okay, but there is a part of me that misses the nights where we'd come home and it would just be the three of us - from the time the school bell rang until we went to bed. Is your GF there each and every night you have your kids? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Joe Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 Is your GF there each and every night you have your kids? Mr. Lucky Yes - and no. My house is between where she works and her mom's house (where she had been staying). It's about 45 minutes to her mom's and about 30 to work (from my house). We had originally hashed it out that she would stay over on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. That meant she would be there 1 night during the week that I had the kids (Thursday). That lasted about a week as the drive in from her mom's house on Wednesday morning was nearly 90 minutes and by the next week she had asked if she could also stay over on Tuesday. I said okay. We have not experienced a "normal" weekend with the kids. The first two weekends that there might have been some overlap - she was out of town. This weekend we're all going away for a short road trip together. When we came up with the original plan - allowing me time with the kids was talked about and we mutually agreed it was very important. I was a little unsure when Tuesday was factored into the equation, but it has been okay so far. I feel like I'm walking a thin line at times. We've fallen into a comfortable routine, but I also still need some independence and that means alone time with the kids. She doesn't teach today or tomorrow as she is going to a conference and last weekend she had mentioned that she might stay at her mom's tonight (to spend time with her mom and because she doesn't have to get up super early to drive to work). I wouldn't mind if she did. I really do enjoy having her around, but I would also like a night where it was just the three of us. That said - I'm finding it hard to just come out and say that to her. I'm banking on her recognizing that I need time with the kids and that we need an occasional night apart. I hope we get to the point where we're together all of the time - where she has moved in and everything...but we're still not there. I know I should speak up more than I have and part of that is because I've been okay with how things are. She is very mindful to give the kids and me space, but I also really could use a night every now and then where it's like it used to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 I know I should speak up more than I have and part of that is because I've been okay with how things are. She is very mindful to give the kids and me space, but I also really could use a night every now and then where it's like it used to be. Can't remember if you posted it here, but how long have the two of you been exclusively dating? This is one of those tests in a relationship with kids. While I don't minimize the challenges in the "step" role, you have to be somewhat selfishly focused on your children. And as single parents, either our partners get that, or they don't. I remember dating a girl after my divorce, she really wanted to come over on a night I had my son. Told her no, too early in the relationship, we'd see each other in a couple of days. 3 am there's tapping on my bedroom window, it's of course her outside, dressed somewhat strangely in a long coat on a warm night. You can probably see where this is headed, she opens the coat, nothing on underneath. Took every ounce of my parental commitment to send her away and the relationship crashed and burned shortly thereafter. Had to smile as my son and I ate Cheerios together the next morning... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Have your kids also expressed that they wanted more alone time with you? If yes, she might be able to spend the evening herself (e.g., hanging out with girlfriends, engaging in her hobbies) and come home late, when your kids are already in bed. If it’s only you who needs more alone time with your kids, then I’m afraid you need to compromise a bit, as I’m sure she’s the one who’s doing the majority of the compromises in this dating situation. Does she stay with you during the weekends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer Joe Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 Have your kids also expressed that they wanted more alone time with you? If yes, she might be able to spend the evening herself (e.g., hanging out with girlfriends, engaging in her hobbies) and come home late, when your kids are already in bed. If it’s only you who needs more alone time with your kids, then I’m afraid you need to compromise a bit, as I’m sure she’s the one who’s doing the majority of the compromises in this dating situation. Does she stay with you during the weekends? The kids have expressed that the want more alone time with me, but they've also expressed that they enjoy it when she's over. I've had them ask me where she was on nights where she wasn't there...so it seems situational or maybe day-to-day with them. We do have nights like you described. She is active socially and involved in a lot of things - so some nights she doesn't get there until the evening is winding down. It's never so late that the kids are asleep, but most nights we have several hours before she comes home. I'd say the compromising is pretty equitable at this point. Things are not bad. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. It's working right now, but we've only been together just under 8 months. Link to post Share on other sites
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