Stuck...

[Annakarenina34]

I have no idea if this post will even help this decision at all...but here goes. I've been seriously contemplating divorcing my husband of 7 years for a long time. We've even discussed it multiple times (during which he convinces me to stay). Our relationship is good, not great, but good. We have 2 kids together and have come a long way. But I feel trapped...I can't stop thinking of a life without him.

 

I'm pretty sure the reason for this is because I feel like I was never really able to fully experience a GREAT relationship. My husband was a rebound after I left an engagement at 21. The typical bad boy who was NOT who I was meant to be with. We are complete opposites in every way. However, a surprise pregnancy within a couple months created our own fate. We survived through a few breakups, a baby, bought a house, and eventually got married and had a second child. I'll admit that he's changed a lot over the years (in a good way). But it's just not enough.

 

That being said, as much as I know I should leave, I just can't. We are great friends and he is a great dad. But we are essentially really great roommates (no sex, no dating, no intimacy). How do I know I won't regret my decision? Is it any better out there?

[Filly4thirteen]

Anna,

 

No the grass isnÂ’t greener. It never is ItÂ’s been 10 days since me and my ex signed the decree and we are both battling with if this was the right decision. There was infidelity in our relationship so it made the decision a lot easier(and harder) looking back on it I knew my ex wasnÂ’t happy but I still went thru the day to day motions believing everything was fine. If she beat me over the head would things have been different? Who knows. I can tell by your post you are very conflicted with this decision. I would suggest counseling before you make a decision you may regret forever. I only wish I would have done the same before it was too late. Does your husband know how unhappy you are? I mean really know. Have you sat down and told him, listen IÂ’m very unhappy and we seriously need to work on this or I see no other option. Are you willing to put in the work to save your marriage or are you already checked out and afraid of leaving something that is comfortable. It seems as though youÂ’ve made up your mind but your just afraid to pull the trigger because of the seriousness of the situation. And rightfully so. Divorce is no joke. Financially emotionally and physically. Shoot IÂ’ve lost 25 lbs , I donÂ’t sleep and well financially, I actually made out but IÂ’m the exception. I would suggest having a long long talk with your hubby and doing everything in your power to reignite what you may have once had. Now I biased because IÂ’m still an emotional basket case but if I had any advice it would be to think about what is best for not only you but also the kids and your husband. Once the decree is signed and there is two house payments and custody agreements. It get very real very fast

[Annakarenina34]

Thanks for your reply Filly4thirteen. We have had a serious conversation about how unhappy I am in the past, but because I allowed him to convince me to stay multiple times after these conversations, I don't think he believes I'm serious. He refuses to go to marriage counselling. I feel like we have tried to reignite the love in our relationship and it will go well for about a week...but eventually I find myself back in the same spot....

[Filly4thirteen]

Anna, you sound like my ex wife is speaking. Same thing, she asked for marriage counseling and I didn’t see the need. Sometimes we as men don’t think on the same emotional level as our significant other. One thing I do wish my ex would have done is open the phone book and tell me we are either going to a counselor or to an attorney. Marriage is hard. Divorce is harder. I have a lot of regrets. I mean ALOT. I worked so she could stay home. Never raised my voice, didn’t drink, never argued, always trusted and never had eyes for another. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most emotionally. She decided to cheat. If I could go back 8 months I would have cherished her the way she needed. Would she still have cheated and asked for a divorce. Who knows. I guess what I’m saying is if he doesn’t believe your serious make him believe. Lay it out there. Maybe stay with a family member for a few days. Do whatever it takes to open his eyes. Shoot have him call me. I’ll talk some sense into him for you. My daughter said to me last night. Daddy I don’t want you to live in a different house. I want you at home with me and mommy. That cut me to the core. I want my family back but it’s gone. You still have a chance. Exhaust every option. Please.

[Mumbles]

Did I read the OP correctly? No sex, no intimacy? Sounds exactly as described .. "roommates"

 

Its a problem in my view. The missing 'something' being alluded to in the OP is sex and intimacy ... its the glue that really binds a couple together in my view.

 

Given that there isn't any sex (and I'm assuming I've got that right), there would have to be a reason for this. Nature would normally take its course given healthy functioning adults living together, something fundamental is wrong here. More to be said after we get to the bottom of this I think.

[Mumbles]

That being said, as much as I know I should leave, I just can't. We are great friends and he is a great dad. But we are essentially really great roommates (no sex, no dating, no intimacy). How do I know I won't regret my decision? Is it any better out there?

 

I should have quoted this in my response a moment ago.

 

I commend you for having a really hard think and not just pulling the trigger.

 

I'm divorced, remarried now, but, I feel its really important, if you end up having to walk away, that you can honestly say to yourself that no stone was left unturned.

 

This is doubly important for you because children are involved. One way or another, you and your husband are going to be involved with each other for life. If things have to go divorce it will be so much better for both of you, and the children, if you can interact with each other in the years that follow with no regrets and no ill feeling.

 

The 7 year itch is a real phenomena by the way. Sometimes after 5-7-10 years things have simply run their course. Its ok. Don't beat yourself or your husband up about it. I still have a sporadic but ongoing relationship with my first wife which is cordial and friendly - not really 'friends' but friendly. We sometimes have beers together and talk about life.

[Garcon1986]

Agree with all the previous posters.

 

Have you really sat down and thought about if you were fighting fair? Do you really understand each other's love languages? Are you both in a rut because both people communicate in different ways, and what you are doing is actually fighting about how you are fighting?

[GinON]

This looks like solid advice!

 

One thing I do wish my ex would have done is open the phone book and tell me we are either going to a counselor or to an attorney.

 

Stick up for yourself, my wife is angry with herself for not DEMANDING what she needed. My attachment style, I found out recently, is avoidant, so it took severe action to shake me out of my miserable complacency. It made me deal with my behavior and psychological issues. I don’t know his “style” of course.

Make your husband hears you though, even if you leave later, it will make him a better person and you will never regret not doing everything you could.

 

Maybe talk to a lawyer, get something on paper that shows you are serious, be ready with a place to stay, push him to the limits, if he is staying with you because it’s convenient, you will find out in a hurry and you know it’s time to leave anyway. If he freaks out, and goes into panic mode, don’t back down, let him see that he has to improve, not just convince you ....again. I am months into attempting to save mine, it’s hard work, and my wife may still leave. I don’t blame her but I am fighting with all I have and more, so should he.

Make a list of what you need before you would stay, intimacy, sex, dishes, whatever. At some point you need to have standards and stick with them otherwise you’re just not going to be happy.

 

Kinda nervous leaving advice but I feel for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

But we are essentially really great roommates (no sex, no dating, no intimacy).

 

If he's a great dad, you get along well and he's made positive changes (I'd guess at your insistence), why is this?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Annakarenina34]

If he's a great dad, you get along well and he's made positive changes (I'd guess at your insistence), why is this?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Honestly, just no attraction on my end. I feel like I've been checked out and as much as I try, I can't get myself to WANT intimacy with him.

[Annakarenina34]

Agree with all the previous posters.

 

Have you really sat down and thought about if you were fighting fair? Do you really understand each other's love languages? Are you both in a rut because both people communicate in different ways, and what you are doing is actually fighting about how you are fighting?

 

I feel like this is where counselling would help us. But his opinion of counselling is 'if it's bad enough to need counselling, we might as well just divorce before wasting our money on it'. I'm not sure where this opinion comes from on his end but he refuses to budge on this.

[Annakarenina34]

Thank you everyone for your input!! Totally appreciate it!

[GinON]

I feel like this is where counselling would help us. But his opinion of counselling is 'if it's bad enough to need counselling, we might as well just divorce before wasting our money on it'. I'm not sure where this opinion comes from on his end but he refuses to budge on this.

 

It sounds like he is done too, just sliding through life. Perhaps you should test that theory, take him at his word, you "might as well."

 

This sounds like a guy that (like many of us are) is so afraid of failing at something and so afraid of admitting it he would swim with hungry sharks to prove the water is safe because he said it was.

 

He would probably love to have a fun intimate relationship but he would have to admit to himself that he failed to maintain that and accept help to get that. Shame is tough for men like that. He might not wake up though, no matter what you do, but you don't have to live that way, your kids will just copy what you are doing, living in an unfulfilled relationship too. At least everything I have read in the last 6 months says that. Its what I have done.

 

Do you want to look back at another 10 years of being in an unfulfilled relationship?

 

Bust that chumps bubble!

 

this could b terrible advice, take it for what its worth.

Edited September 6, 2018 by GinON

[Mr. Lucky]

Honestly, just no attraction on my end. I feel like I've been checked out and as much as I try, I can't get myself to WANT intimacy with him.

 

So you married him for the wrong reasons, had two kids with him, asked him to make needed changes and then decided you weren't attracted to him?

 

I certainly feel sorry for one of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Filly4thirteen]

I feel like this is where counselling would help us. But his opinion of counselling is 'if it's bad enough to need counselling, we might as well just divorce before wasting our money on it'. I'm not sure where this opinion comes from on his end but he refuses to budge on this.

 

Oh Anna if I could sit you two down and counsel you myself, because you seem to be in the exact boat as me and mine was. I was working 14-16 hours a day plus weekends to provide a better life for my girls. Why the heck do we need counseling, everything is fine. Bills are paid, foods on the table, she comes and goes as she pleases. The problem is I was not, anywhere close, speaking her love language. My language is acts of service. I spoke to her in my language. Hers is quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch and gifts. Lol just kidding . Hers was mainly quality time. I felt I was loving her by affording her a certain lifestyle to stay at home and raise our child. She felt neglected because I gave her zero quality time. We where not speaking to one another in each others love language. We became roommates and living on different islands. Our marriage was not salvageable. I did not see the storm ahead while she had already passed thru the storm and checked out by the time I realized I needed to change. I guess I’m suggesting to read the 5 love language book. It’s pretty powerful. While your at it watch the movie fireproof. Growing old with my ex was something I wanted so bad but it’s now just a distant memory. Don’t let your husband live with that same regret. Try everything to wake us a** up to the severity of this situation. He doesn’t want a divorce or else he would have already. You posting on here shows deep down you don’t either. Don’t be the rule, be the exception. Maybe you two can have a marriage your great great grandkids will talk about one day.

[Filly4thirteen]

So you married him for the wrong reasons, had two kids with him, asked him to make needed changes and then decided you weren't attracted to him?

 

I certainly feel sorry for one of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr lucky, anyone ever tell you your brutally

Honest and it should be getting paid for the advice you give

[Ralph79]

Anna,

 

Sorry you are going through these feelings.

 

I realize you are at an age where you are dealing with regrets. You left an engagement at 21 and your next "rebound" relationship was with your now husband of 7 years. So part of you is probably wondering "what if" .... "What if I had listen to advice and given myself more time instead of diving into another relationship" . "What if I hadn't gotten pregnant..."

 

Unfortunately , you didn't listen to advice and didn't give yourself more time to focus on yourself prior getting into another relationship.

Unfortunately , you went and got pregnant a couple of months into this new relationship.

Unfortunately , you did marry a guy who you WEREN'T meant to be with .

 

Fortunately, you have lived 7 years with a Man who has shown he has the capacity to grow and be a Father, and provide for you and your children. He has proven he can change for the better. And he ended up being your best friend throughout these years.

 

Unfortunately ... you are not in love with him.

 

We survived through a few breakups, a baby, bought a house, and eventually got married and had a second child.

 

Perhaps you were expecting your marriage to be somewhat different, but what you just described here IS what marriage is all about.

 

You really didn't provide us with much info regarding why you are suddenly turned off by your husband. What actions or qualities (or lack thereof) are suddenly unacceptable ?

 

Usually when relationships get to the "I love you like a brother/sister" stage, it's because partners are so focused on the underlying responsibilities of the relationship (kids, bills, commitments, etc) that they forget to tend to the personal needs of each other. Over time, the neglect causes irreversible damage.

 

However, do some soul searching and make sure that your lack of feelings towards your husband don't stem from your recent projections of an alternate lifestyle. It's bad enough when a Spouse has to deal with an affair (not saying or accusing you in any way that you are in one , just to be clear), but it's even worse when they are dealing with an imaginary lifestyle or competing a "What if" Ghost from your past. Your husband is human and has flaws. The man you could have married and the life you could have led (in your mind), is perfect. It's not fair to make comparisons & make decisions based on that.

 

You have children with this man. Weather you leave him or not, he will always be a part of your life.

 

I also agree with you 2 should seek counseling. Living your marriage as roommates isn't fair to either of you. Sooner or later this will kill your marriage.

[ABernie]

Honestly, just no attraction on my end. I feel like I've been checked out and as much as I try, I can't get myself to WANT intimacy with him.

 

I was there as well. My story is very similar. We are great friends, roommates and coparents. I just grew not to want to have sex with him. I know the reasons, but it's too private to post.

 

We will remain great friends and coparents, I'm determined. I just don't want a roommate anymore.

[vla1120]

Anna, there are many different facets to a relationship that make a marriage work or fail. It sounds like yours has most of the important ones and I would implore you not to turn your children's worlds upside down unnecessarily. You decided to have children with, and marry this man. You admit he has turned things around and is a good father and husband. You were attracted to him enough to start this life with him.

 

I regret my decision to end my marriage of 32 years. He cheated more than once, but I knew that and stayed. I made a snap decision to leave because I was diagnosed with cancer and no longer wanted to live this "roommate" life I was living with my husband. Instead of ending my marriage, I should have tried to rekindle that desire for him. I should have lost weight and taken better care of myself. I should have looked in the mirror instead of putting 100% of the blame on him. That's all water under the bridge and now I am living through the break up of my second marriage. I didn't get married to get divorced...TWICE.

 

Divorce is easy and everyone is doing it. Be different. Sometimes life sucks and marriages suck even more. Don't fall into that "I only have one life - I deserve better" bull crap. Make your life and marriage WITH your husband and children BETTER! I wish I had done that myself.