major_merrick Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 (edited) I've noticed since I got married in January that my husband drinks a lot more than I thought he did. I'm not against drinking and I enjoy it myself (or used to, before I got pregnant). However, it is the quantity that has me worried. To be clear - he isn't drunk. Ever. Maybe a bit buzzed, but not drunk. He doesn't go to bars, doesn't drive even after having "just one." His personality actually becomes more cheerful and friendly with alcohol, rather than less. I used to drink with him before we married when we were just friends, and I enjoy that side of him. I have no worries about him being like my abusive father, or changing his personality. I've known him too long for that. Now that we live together (and perhaps being pregnant and prone to worry is distorting my view of things) I've just noticed how much he drinks. He gets home from work, and there's wine with dinner....two glasses usually. As he works on a project, there's beer. If he hangs out with friends, there's shots, beer, or mixed drinks. He hangs out with our housemate a lot, and they often spend time late into the night chatting and drinking at the kitchen table. They are very close, and he hangs out with her more nights than not. I come from an alcoholic family, so for me drinking a lot is normal. But when I got pregnant, I looked at the actual guidelines about drinking and I haven't had any alcohol since. The actual definition of a "drink" is really very small, and supposedly more than 4 a day or 14 drinks a week is too much. I'd say my husband averages 4-6 drinks a night, or perhaps 30-ish a week. I used to drink like this, and it never negatively affected me. So, part of me is wondering if the doctors' advice is too cautious. If not, then should I mention my concerns? He works so hard and and is so good to all of us that I don't want to bother him about it...I want to save any nagging for stuff that matters. Yet, if it is going to cut his life short, I can't let that happen without mentioning it. Edited September 6, 2018 by major_merrick Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 your husband is an alcoholic 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 Perhaps you could print a few articles out about "Cirrhosis of the Liver" and share them with him?? Maybe he could cut back a bit on the drinking?? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 He could be a high functioning alcoholic. I used to date one of those. He started drinking every day in the afternoon and continue until he went to bed. He never got sloppy drunk, never slurred his words or stumbled, never seemed drunk at all. Also he was hardworking, and usually cheerful and positive, but he freely admitted that he was an alcoholic. This type of alcoholic can get away with their alcoholism without feeling the negative impact for a long time, but it will eventually catch up to him. Physically and emotionally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 your husband is an alcoholic I'm going with Alpha... I try not to let the fact I'm an Alcoholic ever color my views on these types of things but it seems at the very least he has a drinking problem and if not Alcoholic then he will be one day... I'm not against drinking, my wife drinks and we have wine/coolers in the house but I have never seen her have more than one drink at a time and never more than once in while.. What can you do, don't count his drinks but if you feel he should cut back then discuss this with him, with your background you are going to have a tendency to be codependent so watch for that.. If you discuss this with him and he can't cut back then you could discuss seeking some type of help for him. That amount of Alcohol each day will no doubt take a toll on his liver and body/mental health over time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 If he's content with where he is with it is that not his choice? Question is are you good with it. If not you certainly can voice your concerns with him. He sounds like a descent guy when he is having adult beverages unlike many so I don't think blowing up over it should he choose to carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 Only he can decide. If you decide you don't like his drinking then that's a choice you make for yourself. No one decides for others whether they are an alcoholic - or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 your husband is an alcoholic This sums it up rather well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 My dad was like this, absolutely a high functioning alcoholic. He was a fun guy to be around when he drank, didn't get mean or anything like that. But he drank EVERY SINGLE DAY. And could drink quantities and be hardly buzzed that would make most people flat out drunk. But eventually it caught up with him. He became borderline diabetic from all that sugar. His liver was suffering - the effect on his health and concern of loved ones was enough for him to do something. He still drinks, but now only a glass of wine or two every few days. No longer habitual in his use. I agree with others, he is an alcoholic. People without alcohol dependency do not drink so much and so often. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 You're going to get different replies from different places. From an Aussie point of view, he sounds perfectly normal. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 I don't know that he has a problem. He does drink what many people would consider "a lot." You can't nag him into quitting but you may be able to decrease his consumption. Stop buying the booze. If it's not in the house, he can't drink it. Make lots of other beverages available. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 That amount of Alcohol each day will no doubt take a toll on his liver and body/mental health over time. Agreed. "Alcoholic" is a label which describes a wide variety of behaviors and levels of function. However, the long-term health effects of that level of consumption are undeniable. major_merrick, would you stand by if he ate 30+ icecream cones a week or smoked 30 packs of cigarettes? If he's going to be a full participant in your child's life through the teenage-years and adulthood, this isn't the right path... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author major_merrick Posted September 8, 2018 Author Share Posted September 8, 2018 Since I stopped working recently, I've had more time at home around our family, so this seems to be "situation normal" for him. Nobody else seems to think much about it, which puzzles me. Granted, none of us are from normal backgrounds. Growing up the way we did, I know I had the attitude for a long time of "Why worry about what will kill you tomorrow, when there's so many things to kill you today?" I thought I'd never live to be 30, and so did he. Now here we are, so there's some adjustments to be made. The blood sugar thing worries me. I know he's borderline diabetic. He doesn't eat desserts (much) and won't drink soda. I know his good diet, exercise level, and frequent physical labor keeps him in relatively good health. But...he doesn't test his blood sugar much. He just doesn't like thinking about it or talking about it. His mom is a doctor, so he has habitually been tight-lipped about his personal habits because he dislikes her nagging him about things. I'm thinking that quietly working to decrease his consumption is the goal. Unfortunately, he makes beer and wine and is pretty good at it...so there's lots of it around. I doubt he'd drink so much if it wasn't cheap. It is part of the culture around here, and just about every gathering involves some sort of alcohol, and often exchanging recipes and tricks for making more of it. He dislikes drinking water due to the lack of taste - I think I've seen him drink plain water maybe twice this year. So I'm going to have to figure out a better option that is also low in sugar....something to keep readily available in the refrigerator. Then I can see if availability of an alternative changes anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 But...he doesn't test his blood sugar much. So buy a meter & test kit... The whole thing (including lances, meter & test strips) can be had for about $25 on ebay. When he gets up, have him wash his hands, grab one of his fingers, lance it and test his blood droplet. You'll have the results in 5 seconds. Normal morning range is 70-100. My girlfriend has to test her blood sugar, so I've seen how easy the process is. I purchased a meter similar to hers in case she forgets her "kit" when she stays over. I check my own monthly just to make sure I'm good. Its actually quite easy... You'd be doing a great service for him, especially if he is borderline diabetic. Just my two cents... Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 30 drinks a week is a lot to everyone except hard-core drinkers. And this is just your estimate, which could be conservative. You've read the recent study that concludes that the old guidelines (14/week) were far too liberal, right? Basically what you're saying is that he starts drinking when he comes home from work and continues until he goes to bed, every day. He's probably living a third of his life with a BAC above .08, and maybe higher. The reason he never appears inebriated is that he has developed tolerance. I was raised in a tea-totaler home and consider myself to be a moderate/social drinker. I don't drink at all most days. When I do it's never more than 2, and my average per week is probably 3-4, sometimes less. In the past 7 days I've had 3. This is the pattern of someone who does not drink habitually or have the craving. Your husband needs alcohol to feel normal. I wonder how hard it would be for him to go a week without drinking? How long do you think it has been since he went even a day or two without drinking? He should consider giving it up completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author major_merrick Posted September 8, 2018 Author Share Posted September 8, 2018 So buy a meter & test kit... The whole thing (including lances, meter & test strips) can be had for about $25 on ebay. When he gets up, have him wash his hands, grab one of his fingers, lance it and test his blood droplet. You'll have the results in 5 seconds. Normal morning range is 70-100. My girlfriend has to test her blood sugar, so I've seen how easy the process is. I purchased a meter similar to hers in case she forgets her "kit" when she stays over. I check my own monthly just to make sure I'm good. Its actually quite easy... You'd be doing a great service for him, especially if he is borderline diabetic. Just my two cents... Oh, he's got the kit....he just won't test it more than every month or two. The little strips expire way before he uses them. I do know that he's usually around 120-ish fasting. He usually eats too much sweets during the holidays and then it increases, so he will test more around that time. During the summer, it doesn't seem to happen at all. I can't imagine a scenario in which I could just grab him and stick him. Stress issues and surprises do not mix. His stubbornness is simultaneously his best and worst quality. It is quite difficult to argue him into or out of anything...I learned that many years ago. I'm going to have to play sweet and cute on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author major_merrick Posted September 8, 2018 Author Share Posted September 8, 2018 I wonder how hard it would be for him to go a week without drinking? How long do you think it has been since he went even a day or two without drinking? He should consider giving it up completely. Actually, Wife #1 told me that he gave it up for two months last year. He'd gained a little bit of weight during a more sedentary period of employment and wanted to get rid of it. So I know it is possible, if he sees a reason to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 Oh, he's got the kit....he just won't test it more than every month or two. The little strips expire way before he uses them. I do know that he's usually around 120-ish fasting. He usually eats too much sweets during the holidays and then it increases, so he will test more around that time. During the summer, it doesn't seem to happen at all. I can't imagine a scenario in which I could just grab him and stick him. Stress issues and surprises do not mix. the main issue here is his alcohol consumption, not his pre-diabetes Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 Oh, he's got the kit....he just won't test it more than every month or two. I don't know what to suggest about that one... I withhold coffee from my girlfriend if she hasn't tested her sugar when she wakes up. She knows "no coffee" until testing is done, results written in her little book and the meter has been put away. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 (edited) You married this guy knowing this. If he was doing it and you didn't notice it, then he's not really culpable. He wasn't hiding it from you, right? I don't think you should become a policeman now that you're not drinking and are pregnant. Does he have a problem? Of course he does. The good news is that he's not mean and he's functional. Drinking that much would put me under the table. I don't know how people do that but if you start making him feel uncomfortable or conscious about it, then you'll put a barrier between the two of you. I really have a problem when people marry and then try to change their spouse. You knew what he was like so it's really unfair of you to make an issue about it now. He's an adult and it's up to him to deal with it. What would concern me more is the time he's spending with the roommate. Edited September 8, 2018 by bathtub-row 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 the main issue here is his alcohol consumption, not his pre-diabetes Why can't we fix both... We'll reduce the alcohol consumption, that will help his liver, as a side bonus his sugar levels will go down. Throw in some vegetarian meals & some exercise and I bet we'll get his cholesterol levels down, as well!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 I think it's wrong to marry someone who drinks and then try to change them away from that. Unless he's been living in a box, he already knows the risks of drinking and chooses to continue as he is. He most likely doesn't need you to point it out. It doesn't matter if it's alcohol, weight, being a slob, porn or bad grammar....when we marry a person that is showing an acceptance of who they are. If it turns out that we didn't really know them, then that's on us for rushing in without true understanding of our partner. Show him the respect of letting him make his own decisions. If there are medical problems, that is for his doctor to address. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 I think it's wrong to marry someone who drinks and then try to change them away from that. He's a father at home with his children, why would that be a good combination ? Of course the spouse of an Alcoholic cannot change the Alcoholic but she also doesn't have to enable him either.. I guess she will have to figure out if this is a hill to die on for her or if his drinking is something she can live with.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 It is part of the culture around here, and just about every gathering involves some sort of alcohol, and often exchanging recipes and tricks for making more of it. You're going to have to think about the changes parenthood will bring - and require. I left college with a solid group of hard-partying friends and went into the bar and nightclub business, where the post-shift wind down was the tradition. When my first son was born, resistance to changing my lifestyle put a lot of strain on my marriage and cost me time with my child. I'd guess your life will evolve and alcohol won't be so much at the center. You should be proactive about requiring he make that journey with you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 He's a father at home with his children, why would that be a good combination ? Of course the spouse of an Alcoholic cannot change the Alcoholic but she also doesn't have to enable him either.. I guess she will have to figure out if this is a hill to die on for her or if his drinking is something she can live with.. Unless I missed it, there's nothing in the post about his drinking causing problems with his parenting or being a good partner. Now if his drinking wasn't a good combination for being a father of children, the OP shouldn't have married him and be bringing another child into the picture. Anyway, she will find herself in a miserable marriage if she chooses to die on this hill and try to change him from being the man she married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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