Does my husband have a problem?

[salparadise]

I think it's wrong to marry someone who drinks and then try to change them away from that. Unless he's been living in a box, he already knows the risks of drinking and chooses to continue as he is. He most likely doesn't need you to point it out.

 

Anyway, she will find herself in a miserable marriage if she chooses to die on this hill and try to change him from being the man she married.

 

This is one possible scenario. But it's probably even more likely that the progressing disease of alcoholism will ruin the marriage. If the spouse of an alcoholic chooses to accept it, they're an enabler. There isn't much neutral ground in between. The best thing that could happen is that he decides to end the progression and devote himself to sobriety and healthy relationships.

 

Most people need to bounce off the bottom to quit (often multiple times), and in the meantime they remain in denial. They convince themselves that they're in control as it erodes their health, relationships, career, etc. And, unless there's a lot of extra money consumption at that level (progressively increasing, possibly also reducing income) is going to require compromises in other areas.

 

So, it's a complex problem. Not merely a live and let live lifestyle choice.

[bathtub-row]

This is one possible scenario. But it's probably even more likely that the progressing disease of alcoholism will ruin the marriage. If the spouse of an alcoholic chooses to accept it, they're an enabler. There isn't much neutral ground in between. The best thing that could happen is that he decides to end the progression and devote himself to sobriety and healthy relationships.

 

Most people need to bounce off the bottom to quit (often multiple times), and in the meantime they remain in denial. They convince themselves that they're in control as it erodes their health, relationships, career, etc. And, unless there's a lot of extra money consumption at that level (progressively increasing, possibly also reducing income) is going to require compromises in other areas.

 

So, it's a complex problem. Not merely a live and let live lifestyle choice.

 

It’s not complex at all. She married him knowing he was like this.

[salparadise]

It’s not complex at all. She married him knowing he was like this.

 

First sentence of the original post: I've noticed since I got married in January that my husband drinks a lot more than I thought he did.

 

If you can't see that alcoholism is always a complex problem, not only affecting familial relationships and eroding them over time, but also significantly impacting the entire family... well then, [never mind].

 

Perhaps he would be willing to give it up if encouraged to do so in the right way. She can't force him to, but she can let him know how much it would mean to her, esp. given that she's about to bring his child into the world. The other choice, the one you apparently advocate, is to help him be an alcoholic, watch him decline as the disease progresses, watch how it defines his relationships with her and the child... not simple.

Edited September 8, 2018 by salparadise

[MidwestUSA]

A fasting blood sugar of 120 is way too high. He has his first warning sign.

 

Maybe approach it from that angle.

[major_merrick]

We ended up approaching it from a different angle today than I intended. He's ended up with some bad stomach pain, likely a developing ulcer. When I asked what he thought caused it, he was quick to identify alcohol as the cause. A friend of his at work recently went through a severe ulcer due to drinking and missed work because he was so sick.....he now has to limit himself to one drink at a time.

 

He's kind of grouchy about it, but I haven't had to press him on this issue at all. He dislikes getting older and wants to pretend he's 21 forever (he ignores his birthday because he hates it). Well...middle age is going to get to him anyways, and he's learning that.

 

I spent a lot of time with him today - we rarely get much time alone together. We were out running errands, so driving is good conversation time. I gently asked a few questions about why he drinks, and these are the top reasons I got, in order of importance:

1. Because it is there. Quick, easy, doesn't have to be mixed.

2. Social aspect. Friends and family = food and drink.

3. It tastes good.

4. Pain control (he has some issues, made worse by how hard he works).

5. It helps him sleep.

 

I can solve #1 and #2 pretty easily. I'm going to start making homemade sugar-free stuff in different flavors. I got good at that when I went on a diet, but I stopped when I moved after getting married. Number three is a mixed bag. I can't control parties. However, his most frequent social drinking is at night with our friend, and I'm thinking I might be able to work on that by making a pot of tea for them.

 

The other two are harder. He can't take two of the best OTC pain relievers due to significant, negative changes to his personality. The others have little to no effect. As for sleep...his insomnia is incredible. It takes him hours to fall asleep, and most weeknights I think he sleeps perhaps three hours. He has bad nightmares, and gets up repeatedly during the night to check on the children, check the house. By the time the weekend comes, he's finally able to sleep 8-10 hours but it takes effort. I know he tried a prescription in the past, but while he was able to sleep he was unable to think clearly during the day. Melatonin and sleeping pills work somewhat. So, I have some work to do.

[No_Go]

MM, he's an alcoholic. No doubt about it. The first tell tale sign is that he isn't getting too drunk (from high amounts) - his tolerance is raised from years of alcohol abuse.

 

His reasoning is also very much in line with what an alcoholic would say.Trust me on that, not only my father was one, I had an live-in ex who thought me the in and outs of alcoholism. I wasn't aware before we moved in. I just knew he has inverted schedule (stays up whole night). Well- that's side effect of alcoholism as well...

 

Don't know what to advice you. If he agrees, there are medications that will desensitize him to alcohol (forgot the name) but not sure he'll be willing to do it... most people with alcohol dependence won't do it unless things get really screwed up for them.

 

 

We ended up approaching it from a different angle today than I intended. He's ended up with some bad stomach pain, likely a developing ulcer. When I asked what he thought caused it, he was quick to identify alcohol as the cause. A friend of his at work recently went through a severe ulcer due to drinking and missed work because he was so sick.....he now has to limit himself to one drink at a time.

 

He's kind of grouchy about it, but I haven't had to press him on this issue at all. He dislikes getting older and wants to pretend he's 21 forever (he ignores his birthday because he hates it). Well...middle age is going to get to him anyways, and he's learning that.

 

I spent a lot of time with him today - we rarely get much time alone together. We were out running errands, so driving is good conversation time. I gently asked a few questions about why he drinks, and these are the top reasons I got, in order of importance:

1. Because it is there. Quick, easy, doesn't have to be mixed.

2. Social aspect. Friends and family = food and drink.

3. It tastes good.

4. Pain control (he has some issues, made worse by how hard he works).

5. It helps him sleep.

 

I can solve #1 and #2 pretty easily. I'm going to start making homemade sugar-free stuff in different flavors. I got good at that when I went on a diet, but I stopped when I moved after getting married. Number three is a mixed bag. I can't control parties. However, his most frequent social drinking is at night with our friend, and I'm thinking I might be able to work on that by making a pot of tea for them.

 

The other two are harder. He can't take two of the best OTC pain relievers due to significant, negative changes to his personality. The others have little to no effect. As for sleep...his insomnia is incredible. It takes him hours to fall asleep, and most weeknights I think he sleeps perhaps three hours. He has bad nightmares, and gets up repeatedly during the night to check on the children, check the house. By the time the weekend comes, he's finally able to sleep 8-10 hours but it takes effort. I know he tried a prescription in the past, but while he was able to sleep he was unable to think clearly during the day. Melatonin and sleeping pills work somewhat. So, I have some work to do.

[JuneL]

Am I missing something? His insomnia may be due to his alcohol use. Personally, I rarely drink; but when I do, I might fall to sleep quickly, but would wake up in the middle of the night.

 

We ended up approaching it from a different angle today than I intended. He's ended up with some bad stomach pain, likely a developing ulcer. When I asked what he thought caused it, he was quick to identify alcohol as the cause. A friend of his at work recently went through a severe ulcer due to drinking and missed work because he was so sick.....he now has to limit himself to one drink at a time.

 

He's kind of grouchy about it, but I haven't had to press him on this issue at all. He dislikes getting older and wants to pretend he's 21 forever (he ignores his birthday because he hates it). Well...middle age is going to get to him anyways, and he's learning that.

 

I spent a lot of time with him today - we rarely get much time alone together. We were out running errands, so driving is good conversation time. I gently asked a few questions about why he drinks, and these are the top reasons I got, in order of importance:

1. Because it is there. Quick, easy, doesn't have to be mixed.

2. Social aspect. Friends and family = food and drink.

3. It tastes good.

4. Pain control (he has some issues, made worse by how hard he works).

5. It helps him sleep.

 

I can solve #1 and #2 pretty easily. I'm going to start making homemade sugar-free stuff in different flavors. I got good at that when I went on a diet, but I stopped when I moved after getting married. Number three is a mixed bag. I can't control parties. However, his most frequent social drinking is at night with our friend, and I'm thinking I might be able to work on that by making a pot of tea for them.

 

The other two are harder. He can't take two of the best OTC pain relievers due to significant, negative changes to his personality. The others have little to no effect. As for sleep...his insomnia is incredible. It takes him hours to fall asleep, and most weeknights I think he sleeps perhaps three hours. He has bad nightmares, and gets up repeatedly during the night to check on the children, check the house. By the time the weekend comes, he's finally able to sleep 8-10 hours but it takes effort. I know he tried a prescription in the past, but while he was able to sleep he was unable to think clearly during the day. Melatonin and sleeping pills work somewhat. So, I have some work to do.

[basil67]

Terrific outcome MM. The conversation was had without you having to suggest a thing. He's quite aware of how his lifestyle is impacting his health. Whether change will happen is a different picture, but it's all up to him to drive.

[alphamale]

MM, he's an alcoholic. No doubt about it. The first tell tale sign is that he isn't getting too drunk (from high amounts) - his tolerance is raised from years of alcohol abuse.

 

His reasoning is also very much in line with what an alcoholic would say.Trust me on that, not only my father was one, I had an live-in ex who thought me the in and outs of alcoholism. I wasn't aware before we moved in. I just knew he has inverted schedule (stays up whole night). Well- that's side effect of alcoholism as well...

 

Don't know what to advice you. If he agrees, there are medications that will desensitize him to alcohol (forgot the name) but not sure he'll be willing to do it... most people with alcohol dependence won't do it unless things get really screwed up for them.

 

right on N_G!

[lana-banana]

He's definitely an extremely heavy drinker, no doubt about it, but the real signs of alcoholism to me are 4 and 5---those are indicative of a genuine chemical dependence. If he relies on alcohol to sleep and ease pain, it won't be as simple as replacing it with melatonin and tea. These are going to be major lifestyle changes, and hopefully they're ones you can do together.

 

See how he does on two weeks of cutting back. He may be at the point where he needs medical assistance for withdrawal symptoms. A psychologist could help with CBT, which is useful for extreme stress and severe insomnia. Meditation could help too. And now might be a time to explore a new hobby. What can he do that's meaningful and pleasurable and takes his mind off the pain?

 

Best of luck to you both.

[major_merrick]

Well, today was "Sober Day #3." I'm having a hard time gauging where he's at. On Saturday when we talked about it he was more open, but since then he has his armor back on. He's not the type to talk about it all that much. I was surprised that he hasn't told our other partners much about it.

 

I can tell he's going through withdrawal. He's a bit less "sharp" mentally than normal, and he's repeated himself a couple of times like he has forgotten what he's said. He made a comment to me that he "always gets sick" when he has to stop drinking. He believes in alcohol killing bacteria and viruses. I can tell he hurts more - his walk is always a little bit uneven due to old injuries, but the last couple of days it is noticeably worse. We didn't have sex last night either - very, very unusual for us.

 

I know better than to try to suggest he talk to someone, or do anything different. He's going to do this his own way, or not at all. When he's feeling bad, he compensates with work. He left earlier than normal for work this morning, and last night he was working outdoors under lights well after dark. He's got two different projects going on in the house. I know a lot of it is him preparing for me giving birth in the next couple of weeks...lots of stress all at once.

[alphamale]

Well, today was "Sober Day #3." I'm having a hard time gauging where he's at. On Saturday when we talked about it he was more open, but since then he has his armor back on. He's not the type to talk about it all that much. I was surprised that he hasn't told our other partners much about it.

 

I can tell he's going through withdrawal. He's a bit less "sharp" mentally than normal, and he's repeated himself a couple of times like he has forgotten what he's said. He made a comment to me that he "always gets sick" when he has to stop drinking. He believes in alcohol killing bacteria and viruses. I can tell he hurts more - his walk is always a little bit uneven due to old injuries, but the last couple of days it is noticeably worse. We didn't have sex last night either - very, very unusual for us.

 

I know better than to try to suggest he talk to someone, or do anything different. He's going to do this his own way, or not at all. When he's feeling bad, he compensates with work. He left earlier than normal for work this morning, and last night he was working outdoors under lights well after dark. He's got two different projects going on in the house. I know a lot of it is him preparing for me giving birth in the next couple of weeks...lots of stress all at once.

 

it takes around a week before the real serious withdrawal symptoms develop...I know from experience

[lana-banana]

Well, today was "Sober Day #3." ...I can tell he's going through withdrawal. He's a bit less "sharp" mentally than normal, and he's repeated himself a couple of times like he has forgotten what he's said. He made a comment to me that he "always gets sick" when he has to stop drinking. He believes in alcohol killing bacteria and viruses. I can tell he hurts more - his walk is always a little bit uneven due to old injuries, but the last couple of days it is noticeably worse. We didn't have sex last night either - very, very unusual for us.

 

First off, if he can't go three days without feeling chemically deprived---and if it's that much of an effort to not drink for just three days in a row---then yes, he's absolutely an alcoholic. The stuff about believing alcohol consumption wards off sickness is preposterous at best and an excuse at the worst. I also agree with Alphamale insomuch as withdrawal from any drug takes at least a week.

 

Do you have a physician to help you through this? He may end up needing proper medical attention. He may also benefit from naloxone, which is used for ODs but has also proven helpful for some alcoholics that can't abstain.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

your husband is an alcoholic

 

Yes he is. I’ve been in recovery for years. How have you discussed it?

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

 

I know better than to try to suggest he talk to someone, or do anything different. He's going to do this his own way, or not at all. When he's feeling bad, he compensates with work. He left earlier than normal for work this morning, and last night he was working outdoors under lights well after dark. He's got two different projects going on in the house. I know a lot of it is him preparing for me giving birth in the next couple of weeks...lots of stress all at once.

 

I find this terrifying. You’re one of the strongest non conventional members here. He’s your H. What do you mean you know better than to talk about it? Or else what?

 

You’re about to have a baby with him. Get sober, get a sponsor m stay sober or you and the baby leave. Pretty simple

[major_merrick]

I find this terrifying. You’re one of the strongest non conventional members here. He’s your H. What do you mean you know better than to talk about it? Or else what?

 

You’re about to have a baby with him. Get sober, get a sponsor m stay sober or you and the baby leave. Pretty simple

 

I guess I am unconventional....I don't believe in leaving. Lots of people leave because they get scared, or tired, or because they don't want to deal with the reality that everybody has issues. We're together. That's final, forever.

 

Yeah, I know better than to push an issue in discussion with my husband. We've been friends since childhood. He's saved my life, nursed me through a drug addiction, and been there for me when everybody else in my life ran away. I know when the talk is too much - it's in the little signs...the twitch, the blank stare, the words and phrases that don't match, the sudden withdrawal. When someone has issues with severe stress and emotional trauma, interacting with them has different rules....conversation about sensitive stuff is on their terms. He will talk when he's ready, or he won't. My part is to simply be there. I believe that physical touch is usually worth more than words, and there's no lack of physical touch between us. When I sense that he's having a tough time, I just get close to him and I don't try to talk.

 

I think one thing about my relationship with him that others don't understand is that I'm not trying to "fix" him. I want him to live long and be healthy, and I will encourage him in that direction. While I was unaware of the extent of his drinking until I moved in, the fact that he has an issue is not surprising to me given our shared background. I probably have an edge over a psychologist in that I entirely understand where he's coming from, to the point that I know what he's thinking about and what his triggers are.

 

Today was "Sober Day #5." He continues to focus on his work at the house, and his regular social routine. He and his group of guys were having a shooting match out back this evening. Usually beer follows. My husband has apparently told his guys what he's going through, because when they noticed that I'd made him lemonade, the two who were sitting next to him asked for one as well... it definitely a quiet show of support and loyalty. And he and our friend have switched to tea at night, so that's progress too. I think she's aware that their time together was probably where a 30-50% of his alcohol consumption was coming from.

[shellybing]

It sounds like he could be a budding alcoholic, I would have reason to worry too. I don't have any advice though, I hope you can figure it out though.

[bathtub-row]

You’re wrong about why people leave. It almost always has to do with extreme control or abuse. I love it when people get on their high horse about why others leave relationships when they think just “sticking it out” is something others hadn’t thought of, or didn’t have the moral character to do. If your husband was a mean, verbally abusive drunk, you’d see this from a whole different perspective.

 

I find it hard to believe you weren’t aware of his drinking habits before you married him. And I agree that there’s no point in pushing this issue. Either he’ll figure it out or he won’t. But be prepared for him not to change. This is the guy you married.

[No_Go]

So forgive me for disbelief here but - alcoholics lie. They hide when they use.

My ex will play ‘few days sober’ and I’d then discover vodka bottles hidden everywhere- under the couch pillows, behind the dishes etc. My father would drink Coke, well he was adding his alcohol in it secretly.

 

You’d notice if so - if careful enough.

 

His friendship sounds very troubling, I just have troubles to believe they switched to tea and will stay there....

 

But anyhow now your focus should be elsewhere. Get this baby out and worry after.

 

I guess I am unconventional....I don't believe in leaving. Lots of people leave because they get scared, or tired, or because they don't want to deal with the reality that everybody has issues. We're together. That's final, forever.

 

Yeah, I know better than to push an issue in discussion with my husband. We've been friends since childhood. He's saved my life, nursed me through a drug addiction, and been there for me when everybody else in my life ran away. I know when the talk is too much - it's in the little signs...the twitch, the blank stare, the words and phrases that don't match, the sudden withdrawal. When someone has issues with severe stress and emotional trauma, interacting with them has different rules....conversation about sensitive stuff is on their terms. He will talk when he's ready, or he won't. My part is to simply be there. I believe that physical touch is usually worth more than words, and there's no lack of physical touch between us. When I sense that he's having a tough time, I just get close to him and I don't try to talk.

 

I think one thing about my relationship with him that others don't understand is that I'm not trying to "fix" him. I want him to live long and be healthy, and I will encourage him in that direction. While I was unaware of the extent of his drinking until I moved in, the fact that he has an issue is not surprising to me given our shared background. I probably have an edge over a psychologist in that I entirely understand where he's coming from, to the point that I know what he's thinking about and what his triggers are.

 

Today was "Sober Day #5." He continues to focus on his work at the house, and his regular social routine. He and his group of guys were having a shooting match out back this evening. Usually beer follows. My husband has apparently told his guys what he's going through, because when they noticed that I'd made him lemonade, the two who were sitting next to him asked for one as well... it definitely a quiet show of support and loyalty. And he and our friend have switched to tea at night, so that's progress too. I think she's aware that their time together was probably where a 30-50% of his alcohol consumption was coming from.

[Honda750]

I've noticed since I got married in January that my husband drinks a lot more than I thought he did. I'm not against drinking and I enjoy it myself (or used to, before I got pregnant). However, it is the quantity that has me worried.

 

<SNIP>

 

Early signs of Alcoholism , do something about this now before it festers and ruins him and you ......... grew up in a family where one parent was alcoholic , terrible situation for all of us , don’t put your head in the sand over this early warning sign , guaranteed this will destroy your marriage

Edited September 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

So, I have some work to do.

 

I wonder MM, how far ahead you've thought.

 

Would you allow him to drive your child after consuming 4-6 drinks?

 

Would you leave him alone to provide care for her after that level of consumption?

 

At some point, substance abuse moves from conceptual to practical. And you're at a point where time goes by pretty quickly. You may need a more direct approach with him so he understands what's at stake...

 

Mr. Lucky

[major_merrick]

So forgive me for disbelief here but - alcoholics lie. They hide when they use.

My ex will play ‘few days sober’ and I’d then discover vodka bottles hidden everywhere- under the couch pillows, behind the dishes etc. My father would drink Coke, well he was adding his alcohol in it secretly.

 

You’d notice if so - if careful enough.

 

His friendship sounds very troubling, I just have troubles to believe they switched to tea and will stay there....

 

But anyhow now your focus should be elsewhere. Get this baby out and worry after.

 

 

Well, the baby is out! Happened Friday night, and while I'm very tired afterward it feels like progress. It has taken me a few days to get out of bed and start moving around a bit...I've spent most of my time lately just sewing and sitting around between feedings.

 

 

 

A new child has definitely given my husband something to think about (as if all the others weren't enough already....) So far, no alcohol. I'm not expecting total sobriety forever - that's unrealistic. But certainly no alcohol for a period of time to get his health back to normal, and then reduced consumption after that is a good idea. I'm confident he understands that. Since I'm not the one who initiated any discussion or proposed any changes, I have no reason to think that he would lie to me.

 

 

 

Since this time it is my child, I'm a lot more involved in her care than I am with the others. He has definitely had practice being a dad, and is quite good at it. I've got some maternal instinct, but nothing beats experience. I want him to be around for a long time to take care of us.

[Happy Lemming]

Well, the baby is out! Happened Friday night,.

 

Congratulations!! YEA!!

[major_merrick]

Congratulations!! YEA!!

 

 

Thanks! I gave birth at home...me, my husband, Wife #1, and my GF#1. I'm so thankful it worked out even better than I'd hoped!

[No_Go]

Congrats!!! Well that’s a progress;) Hope you few better soon! How was the birth? Heard home births are less stressful...

 

Yeah now his time and energy will be focused on the new addition to the family:)

 

Well, the baby is out! Happened Friday night, and while I'm very tired afterward it feels like progress. It has taken me a few days to get out of bed and start moving around a bit...I've spent most of my time lately just sewing and sitting around between feedings.

 

 

 

A new child has definitely given my husband something to think about (as if all the others weren't enough already....) So far, no alcohol. I'm not expecting total sobriety forever - that's unrealistic. But certainly no alcohol for a period of time to get his health back to normal, and then reduced consumption after that is a good idea. I'm confident he understands that. Since I'm not the one who initiated any discussion or proposed any changes, I have no reason to think that he would lie to me.

 

 

 

Since this time it is my child, I'm a lot more involved in her care than I am with the others. He has definitely had practice being a dad, and is quite good at it. I've got some maternal instinct, but nothing beats experience. I want him to be around for a long time to take care of us.