Does my husband have a problem?

[Art_Critic]

You married him knowing he was like this. I’d leave it alone if I were you. When he wants to be fixed, he’ll do something about it.

 

That is what a codependent enabler would do.. denial.. denial.. denial...

[Happy Lemming]

You married him knowing he was like this. When he wants to be fixed, he’ll do something about it.

 

If I may expand upon this post.

 

A couple of years ago, I worked with a gentleman that worked part time at a alcohol rehab center. He told me that they had a success rate of 4%. They defined "success" as someone who stayed sober for 1 year after treatment.

 

There are 7 adults in your "poly" household and alcohol is present in the home. Although, I'd like to see your husband live a sober life, the odds are stacked against him.

 

As "bathtub-row" stated, "when he wants to be fixed, he'll do something about it". Your husband has to hit his own personal "rock bottom" before he will stop drinking, completely. It may be his stomach problems, or his love for you and your child or he may never stop drinking.

[major_merrick]

If I may expand upon this post.

 

A couple of years ago, I worked with a gentleman that worked part time at a alcohol rehab center. He told me that they had a success rate of 4%. They defined "success" as someone who stayed sober for 1 year after treatment.

 

There are 7 adults in your "poly" household and alcohol is present in the home. Although, I'd like to see your husband live a sober life, the odds are stacked against him.

 

As "bathtub-row" stated, "when he wants to be fixed, he'll do something about it". Your husband has to hit his own personal "rock bottom" before he will stop drinking, completely. It may be his stomach problems, or his love for you and your child or he may never stop drinking.

 

 

At this point, I'm the only one that sees his drinking as an issue. His other two partners are unconcerned. Our housemate and my GF#2 like to drink. I'm doubting how much success I'm going to have at this. Since the weekend, he hasn't had another drink, though.

[Happy Lemming]

Our housemate and my GF#2 like to drink. I'm doubting how much success I'm going to have at this. Since the weekend, he hasn't had another drink, though.

 

I had to quit "heavy drinking" about 7-8 years ago. I started having issues with my stomach. A beer or two and I was OK, but if I got into the tequila or vodka, my stomach would really hurt in the morning. To the point, I was doubled over in pain, so I gave up on the hard stuff and had no more pains. I have 1-2 beers a week, at the most.

 

Maybe your husband feeling better and having less/no stomach issues will be the key to him reducing or stopping drinking altogether??

[major_merrick]

It has been about four weeks since my husband last drank. Before that, he stopped for about six weeks. Now tonight, I'm figuring that he is going to drink. He's headed out to a party with some friends. Our housemate and my GF#2 are going along...that's a bad mix. At this point, I don't think there's anything I can do. I don't want to become a constant nag that makes my husband and my GF miserable. So how to I adjust to this reality so that I don't drive myself crazy thinking about it and worrying?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It has been about four weeks since my husband last drank. Before that, he stopped for about six weeks. Now tonight, I'm figuring that he is going to drink. He's headed out to a party with some friends. Our housemate and my GF#2 are going along...that's a bad mix. At this point, I don't think there's anything I can do. I don't want to become a constant nag that makes my husband and my GF miserable. So how to I adjust to this reality so that I don't drive myself crazy thinking about it and worrying?

 

Are you opposed to occasional drinking? (Sorry, haven't read this entire thread)

[alphamale]

Are you opposed to occasional drinking? (Sorry, haven't read this entire thread)

 

he is an alcoholic CO

[Mr. Lucky]

At this point, I don't think there's anything I can do. I don't want to become a constant nag that makes my husband and my GF miserable. So how to I adjust to this reality so that I don't drive myself crazy thinking about it and worrying?

 

Allowing him to drink without marital or family consequences simply puts you in the role of enabler. You step in to cover and fill in the gaps and that makes it easier for him to drink.

 

You'll need to break that cycle...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

If you don't want to be THAT wife then divorce him.

 

He makes a decision to choose alcohol over your relationship knowing you're very upset about it.

 

You could go on with this cycle for 40-50 more years.

 

You can't control him - you can only control what you do or don't do.

 

Have you been to Al-Anon yet?

 

 

Why does he need to go to these parties with his friends?

 

 

I'm left wondering when he plans to grow up? Does he earn a decent/consistent/reliable income? Do you work? How old is your child?

[major_merrick]

If you don't want to be THAT wife then divorce him.

 

He makes a decision to choose alcohol over your relationship knowing you're very upset about it.

 

Why does he need to go to these parties with his friends?

 

I'm left wondering when he plans to grow up? Does he earn a decent/consistent/reliable income? Do you work? How old is your child?

 

 

I think that is part of what is wrong with the US - we divorce for just about any reason. Yeah, I could walk, but that's immoral and I couldn't live like that. Aside from these occasions, I'm actually very happy in my relationships. He earns a great income, he's a good father, and I love him very much. Our friendship goes back to when we were kids. He's a very social guy and likes parties. I used to be that way too, and years ago I used to drink a lot, but becoming a mom over the last year has changed that.

 

I'm quite surprised with how last night turned out. He came home just before midnight and he was sober as a judge....not at all what I expected. He'd had one drink early in the night, but nothing after that so he could drive the other two home. Our housemate was totally wasted...he had to carry her in. My GF#2 was pretty bad also and was throwing up. Apparently the two girls were drinking way too much tequila and were the biggest drunks at the party. My husband said it was embarrassing. I can understand my GF being like that since she's refused to grow up (no job, no aspirations, etc), but our housemate is a mother of three.

 

We didn't talk about it much before we went to bed...I could tell that he was irritated about it. This morning, he was up early going through our pantry and our storage area and gathering up bottles. I asked him where he is going to go with them, and he told me he is locking them in crates in the garage until he can figure out what to do to move them out or resell them. While I don't think he realizes yet that he is an alcoholic, he's probably figured out that he can't let two adults in his house drink like that. Just getting the stuff out of the house will be a step in the right direction. I don't know what the push-back from the two girls will look like, but I don't think it will be pretty. Especially from GF#2...that one is going to be angry, I think.

[S2B]

You may have it backwards.

 

I think people stay married for reasons that are unreasonable.

 

I'm glad he had a decent night out last night.

 

If you have plenty of money why do all these people live with you?

 

You have baby #2 on the way right?

[major_merrick]

You may have it backwards.

 

I think people stay married for reasons that are unreasonable.

 

I'm glad he had a decent night out last night.

 

If you have plenty of money why do all these people live with you?

 

You have baby #2 on the way right?

 

 

I don't consider it unreasonable to keep a promise. When I married, I promised until death, and I believe that. He's been my friend for so many years, a little trouble with alcohol isn't going to scare me away even if it does bother me. I have money of my own, but I moved in with my husband because I wanted to. Our house is huge, so it isn't like we're crowded. I actually felt kind of uncomfortable on my own with just my two GFs. I prefer living around a bunch of other people, and I even lived in a commune for a while.

 

 

 

But...everybody here has issues. Sometimes I call our house the "basket of broken things" because everybody has some sort of terrible background story. People cope with that kind of stuff in different ways. In my case, it was drugs for a while. For my husband and our housemate, it is drinking. This afternoon they have gone out to hike up the mountain in back of our house. I'm assuming they are going to have a long talk.

[S2B]

Is anyone in the household doing any trauma counseling that could help with the issues that caused the problems with alcohol/drugs?

 

It's one thing to say it's a problem - it's another to address what the trauma is and work through it to the other side.

[major_merrick]

Is anyone in the household doing any trauma counseling that could help with the issues that caused the problems with alcohol/drugs?

 

It's one thing to say it's a problem - it's another to address what the trauma is and work through it to the other side.

 

 

That would be the day.... My husband is stubborn. He talks to me and to his best friend and to our spiritual leader. The rest of it he buries. I think he only talks to me about it because I was there in the middle of the bad things that happened. I doubt he's told his other partners much about it. I avoid the professionals due to cost and lack of trust. The rest of them...God only knows.

 

I suspect that if they were seen by professionals, both my husband and Wife#1 would be diagnosed with PTSD. Especially my husband...he's always got terrible nightmares. Drinking keeps him from dreaming at all. Since he stopped drinking regularly, he's evened out a bit, but at first he was up at all hours pacing and checking the house over and over again. During the day he'd call me or Wife#1 two or three times just to check on us. I think our housemate is similarly affected since her husband died. Lots of times she and my husband are at the kitchen table late at night talking.

[bathtub-row]

That is what a codependent enabler would do.. denial.. denial.. denial...

 

How is that denial? I’m merely saying that if this issue bothers her so much, she should’ve never married the guy in the first place. Denial is marrying someone thinking you can change them. Huge mistake. Huge.

[Fugu]

I don't consider it unreasonable to keep a promise. When I married, I promised until death, and I believe that. He's been my friend for so many years, a little trouble with alcohol isn't going to scare me away even if it does bother me. I have money of my own, but I moved in with my husband because I wanted to. Our house is huge, so it isn't like we're crowded. I actually felt kind of uncomfortable on my own with just my two GFs. I prefer living around a bunch of other people, and I even lived in a commune for a while.

 

 

 

But...everybody here has issues. Sometimes I call our house the "basket of broken things" because everybody has some sort of terrible background story. People cope with that kind of stuff in different ways. In my case, it was drugs for a while. For my husband and our housemate, it is drinking. This afternoon they have gone out to hike up the mountain in back of our house. I'm assuming they are going to have a long talk.

 

I think this is why your husband gets away with drinking his ass off, because alcoholics are master manipulators and they can turn right around and say "Hey, everyone's got vices or issues" the moment someone calls them on their ****.

 

Here's the deal with alcohol abuse: it's a horrific disease. When it gets to its more advanced stages, trust me, you will see a different side of your husband. You will express concern for his physical and mental well-being, as you should. He, in turn, will defend his bottle. He will go to great lengths to defend it. He will hide it from you. The bottle will be the most important thing. He will plan his entire day around it. He will figure out how to lie to keep his actual drinking a secret from you. He'll buy breath mints. He'll work late. He'll go into the office early. He'll stay at a friend's house 'cause it's late and he's too 'tired' to drive home. He'll go apesh** when he's drunk and he'll have no recollection of it.

[major_merrick]

I think this is why your husband gets away with drinking his ass off, because alcoholics are master manipulators and they can turn right around and say "Hey, everyone's got vices or issues" the moment someone calls them on their ****.

 

Here's the deal with alcohol abuse: it's a horrific disease. When it gets to its more advanced stages, trust me, you will see a different side of your husband. You will express concern for his physical and mental well-being, as you should. He, in turn, will defend his bottle. He will go to great lengths to defend it. He will hide it from you. The bottle will be the most important thing. He will plan his entire day around it. He will figure out how to lie to keep his actual drinking a secret from you. He'll buy breath mints. He'll work late. He'll go into the office early. He'll stay at a friend's house 'cause it's late and he's too 'tired' to drive home. He'll go apesh** when he's drunk and he'll have no recollection of it.

 

 

During the last week, the issue hasn't been my husband. It's been my GF#2 and our housemate. My husband rounded up all of the alcohol and got it out of the house. I couldn't believe it, but it is gone! Now, of course I'm going to have to worry about the possibility of sneaking.... But my husband took the initiative when he brought his friend home totally passed out drunk. She's a mother of three, and he told her than he doesn't approve of her acting like that.

 

You're right that drunks get defensive and angry. My GF#2 is really irritated, as I figured she would. Without an income of her own she isn't really able to go out and purchase alcohol. She got through Thanksgiving OK, but yesterday and today her behavior has been pretty nasty. While my husband isn't able to outright ban drinking, he's stated in no uncertain terms that the family budget will no longer provide for drinking habits, and that alcohol will not be stored on the property without his permission.

 

I have yet to convince any of them to go to AA or any kind of support group, but my husband has indicated that he might be willing. The issue is more serious than I thought at the beginning...we have three alcoholics in the house instead of just one.

[NuevoYorko]

During the last week, the issue hasn't been my husband. It's been my GF#2 and our housemate. My husband rounded up all of the alcohol and got it out of the house. I couldn't believe it, but it is gone!

5 days ago you were struggling with the way he uses alcohol and now it's all fine? As a person close to alcoholics and addicts, I doubt it, especially since members of your large family are still actively drunk under the same roof. Even if the booze is not in your home cupboard, an individual with alcoholism isn't going to address it by throwing the booze away.

 

I'm pretty square. I find it challenging to picture your household with a plethora of various wives, additional girlfriends designated by numbers, female roommate(s), many children, passed out drunk people, a profoundly sexually charged atmosphere, complex intimate activities and religious zealotry going on all at the same time. How would one person working to address their alcoholism work it in?

Edited November 27, 2018 by NuevoYorko

[S2B]

I think when a spouse is asking if there's a problem - there probably is.

 

 

I hope he is capable of tackling his issues long term.

[Happy Lemming]

...that alcohol will not be stored on the property without his permission.

 

I kind of have a problem with this... It feels like your husband is saying "I'm King and what I say... goes" He has unilaterally decided that all alcohol is banned in the house, unless he says its OK to drink and unlocks the boxes of booze.

 

I mean your girlfriend (GF#2) is an adult and she has the right to possess and consume adult beverages. I know its his house, but alcohol is not an illegal drug and GF#2 has established residency in the home. I understand if he says his money shouldn't be used for alcohol, but if GF#2 gets her hands on some money and wants a bottle of vodka, she should be able to enjoy it, in my opinion.

 

Maybe, I don't understand the living arrangements or the construct of the household. In a "poly" household is there a dictator that unilaterally rules the roost??

[NuevoYorko]

I kind of have a problem with this... It feels like your husband is saying "I'm King and what I say... goes" He has unilaterally decided that all alcohol is banned in the house, unless he says its OK to drink and unlocks the boxes of booze.

and let us not forget that this whole thread is a reaction to HIS drinking habits! A great person to be in charge of at least dozen other adults' access to booze!

 

But we must remember that this is a fundamentalist polygamous household, albeit with quite a few astounding special quirks. There is one guy in charge of all the wives, girlfriends, roommates, kids, their body piercings, money, sex acts required / permitted amongst the ladies and all the rest of their activities, including alcohol consumption. He da man!

 

Come to think of it ... if I were in his shoes I'd be on the sauce myself.

[basil67]

He's taken away GF #2's choice. This is why she's pissed. If she dries out, it has to be her choice - not something forced upon her against her will.

 

You may find that living with someone who controls her choices will become a dealbreaker for her.

[alphamale]

and let us not forget that this whole thread is a reaction to HIS drinking habits! A great person to be in charge of at least dozen other adults' access to booze!

 

But we must remember that this is a fundamentalist polygamous household, albeit with quite a few astounding special quirks. There is one guy in charge of all the wives, girlfriends, roommates, kids, their body piercings, money, sex acts required / permitted amongst the ladies and all the rest of their activities, including alcohol consumption. He da man!

 

Come to think of it ... if I were in his shoes I'd be on the sauce myself.

 

sounds like we've got another david koresh here

[major_merrick]

I kind of have a problem with this... It feels like your husband is saying "I'm King and what I say... goes" He has unilaterally decided that all alcohol is banned in the house, unless he says its OK to drink and unlocks the boxes of booze.

 

I mean your girlfriend (GF#2) is an adult and she has the right to possess and consume adult beverages. I know its his house, but alcohol is not an illegal drug and GF#2 has established residency in the home. I understand if he says his money shouldn't be used for alcohol, but if GF#2 gets her hands on some money and wants a bottle of vodka, she should be able to enjoy it, in my opinion.

 

Maybe, I don't understand the living arrangements or the construct of the household. In a "poly" household is there a dictator that unilaterally rules the roost??

 

 

He's typically not the dictator type. This new thing is not normal for him. I see it as a kneejerk reaction to something that surprised and concerned him. I have my doubts about how much GF#2 will cooperate. I understand his reasoning behind it. While he still doesn't see that he has a drinking issue, he says that he feels responsible for what happened. As the head of the family, it is his responsibility to set the tone. By drinking and allowing others to drink, he feels that he created an environment that allowed others to drink to excess. So, he's trying to correct something that he sees as his fault. Partly true, partly not.

 

This is also a time of year for this in our faith. The four weeks prior to Christmas are supposed to be kind of a clean-up time...to dump old habits and repent of things you shouldn't be doing.

[major_merrick]

and let us not forget that this whole thread is a reaction to HIS drinking habits! A great person to be in charge of at least dozen other adults' access to booze!

 

But we must remember that this is a fundamentalist polygamous household, albeit with quite a few astounding special quirks. There is one guy in charge of all the wives, girlfriends, roommates, kids, their body piercings, money, sex acts required / permitted amongst the ladies and all the rest of their activities, including alcohol consumption. He da man!

 

Come to think of it ... if I were in his shoes I'd be on the sauce myself.

 

 

Well, there's only seven adults...but there is some truth to what you meant in sarcasm. I do feel like he has WAY too much on his plate to comfortably deal with. That's a problem with patriarchy, the way I see it. In the end, he feels responsible for everything. Even when he delegates tasks, it is on him in the end. Plus he has community responsibilities outside of our family, and a leadership role at his job. He means well and tries very hard to do the right thing, but it doesn't always turn out.