wife threatening divorce

[FMW]

You aren't answering what you DID do that you had already discussed and thought she was past, other than not pay enough attention to her.

 

If you cheated on her or did something else of great impact, then just because you talked about it before doesn't mean she is over it.

 

That's all I'm getting from this since you aren't giving much detail about what she's accusing you of, just that she's being unreasonable. We can't agree with you that she's being unreasonable if we don't know what she's saying.

 

You stated that you were sure others had gone through something similar. I'm not sure I agree that it's that common for spouses of either sex to be irrational unless there's a serious psychological issue. You could possibly be judging her behavior as irrational because you don't accept the impact of something you did in the past that you think should be over and done with. Again - without more information on what she's accusing you of, we're left to speculate.

[Normm]

I am with her basically every minute she is not at work

 

 

Perhaps you spend too much time together.

[kp96]

What specific things has she accused you of that you DID do?

What are some specific things she accuses you of which you DID NOT do?

Does she ever get physical in her blowups?

How long has she had this explosive temper?

What is he work environment like (office, shift work, retail)?

Do you work and have a job?

 

Sorry for the late response.

 

What I did do was not pay enough attention to her. i mean, I thought I was but that is a relative thing so who knows if I am right or wrong. But if she was feeling alone and unloved, that is my responsibility so I have to own up to that.

 

As for what I did not do, it is really what started the blowup. It is over my house. I bought my house with my brother in 2005. In 2007, he moved out. In 2011, I did a refinance where I was the only one on the mortgage. Now, when we did this, we didn't realize the deed was not changed. I know that is stupid but we weren't that picky because the house was in the family and I trust my brother with my life. Because I've been paying the mortgage by myself since 2007, it's always been considered my home, and before I married my wife I told her it was mine. Later on, after we were married, we had a big blowup about finances (she was not showing me hers) and she demanded proof that the house was mine. Lo and behold, my brother's name was still on the deed. She has since been accusing me of "scamming" her and that I intentionally lied to her about owning the house. I have told her repeatedly that it was stupid, but that the house, for all intents and purposes was mine. I am the only one on the mortgage now. But she insists that I am a liar. She says me and my family knew and we intentionally deceived her to protect half the house.

 

I told her we would move soon and that the new house would be under both our names. She was fine with this. But a few days ago she revealed to me that she might get fired. For the new house, we planned on getting a mortgage with both our names. We both make good money. I told her we may have to wait if she gets fired until she gets a new job so that we can apply for a mortgage with two incomes and get a bigger house. When I said we may have to wait, that just set her off. She said that I was waiting because I wanted the scam to last longer in case I wanted to divorce her and make sure half my house is protected. I got pissed and that's how this all started.

 

She is not physical with me when we fight but I would agree that she is a bully.

 

She has had this temper for a while but it wasn't until we had a baby and her parents were here a lot that things have been really bad.

 

She works in cosmetics as an executive. Almost all women in her office.

 

I work in an office as well. We both make comparable money.

Edited September 7, 2018 by kp96

[kp96]

Call he bluff and tell her that if she is that unhappy then you two should get a divorce and if she doesn't want that then she can start working on her issues and do whatever she needs to do but you will not live like this. I know this is hindsight but why would you have a baby with a woman like this?

 

Our dating and marriage was actually quite fine until we had a baby. That's the rub.

 

I am trying to do the "show her love until she comes around" approach, which has worked in the past. Maybe that sounds weak but apparently a lot of relationship experts recommend that and I have had positive results from it. Most of the times with these blowups, she just wants to feel loved and she forgets everything she was mad about.

 

Unfortunately this time it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere and I'm stuck.

[FMW]

Ok, with that information, I agree with most of the other posters. She's being unreasonable and abusive. And even though you seem to be sure it's not the case, as others have said, she's acting like someone who is cheating. My xH became very critical and dismissive of me when he was in the middle of one of his flings. I guess it's the guilt, trying to justify things to themselves.

 

Does she have family or friends who are aware of what's causing her to act this way? I don't think this is just a bump in the road thing. She either has a chemical imbalance or she's looking for a way out because she's got her sights on something/someone different.

[kp96]

That is one of the suggestions... which is what you don't get.

 

She is being abusive, understand, somehow, somewhere she has issues, big ones.

 

She needs to do to a doctor, and you are being too weak to insist that she go.

 

Further, your weakness, will eventually end your marriage, because no woman wants a man that will not stand up for himself. It makes her insecure.

 

You are the one that came for advice and for the most part you have poo pooed on everything that has been said.

 

If you do not gain control of your household and stop being a wuss, you will lose your marriage in the long run.

 

The people here have been through it all, they know what they are talking about...

 

I am poo pooing on the notion that she is cheating on me. I know that not to be true and I find it distracting that it's the first assumption here. It's not productive. You may think that it is possible but I'm living the situation and I know it not to be true. Literally, she would have to meet someone at work, which is almost all women, and be banging him during office hours. We are together otherwise.

 

I am trying to get her to go to a counselor, but she has said "I don't love you anymore, why should I go to a counselor?". She has said that to me before plenty but I know it's b.s. because, in the past, she has always eventually warmed back up to me and things were good again. I mean, I supposed it could be true this time. I dunno. But I don't have a great answer to that response.

[kp96]

Call he bluff and tell her that if she is that unhappy then you two should get a divorce and if she doesn't want that then she can start working on her issues and do whatever she needs to do but you will not live like this. I know this is hindsight but why would you have a baby with a woman like this?

 

I have called her bluff in the past and she always backed down. I know thats a good way to go. Part of the reason I am not challenging her is because of why she is mad. One of her main complaints is that she says I don't love her. That I don't care about her. If I turn around and tell her that I want a divorce, then I'm just confirming what she is saying. I do feel responsible as a husband for letting my wife feel unloved. So I am trying to convince her that I am there for her. Maybe that sounds weak but I think if I threaten divorce it is all over. I mean, in the past when she threatened divorce for dumb reasons, I would just say "go ahead" and that would be it. She stopped threatening for a long time. But this time is a little different. She says I don't love her so she wants to leave. If I say "ok", that's just validating that I don't love her.

Edited September 7, 2018 by kp96

[kp96]

Ok, with that information, I agree with most of the other posters. She's being unreasonable and abusive. And even though you seem to be sure it's not the case, as others have said, she's acting like someone who is cheating. My xH became very critical and dismissive of me when he was in the middle of one of his flings. I guess it's the guilt, trying to justify things to themselves.

 

Does she have family or friends who are aware of what's causing her to act this way? I don't think this is just a bump in the road thing. She either has a chemical imbalance or she's looking for a way out because she's got her sights on something/someone different.

 

Some additional information that might help here. I did speak to her mom. As mad as I get that she shares our fights with her parents, sometimes they help.

 

She said the 3 things she is mad about are 1.) the house 2.) that I don't pay enough attention to her and 3.) she thinks I am trying to control the money. I explained to her the whole thing with the refinance and she agrees her daughter is unreasonable. as for 2, i admitted that i can do better. for 3.) the reason she thinks i am trying to control the money is because i asked her for all her financial information so i can get the mortgage. her mom also agrees that this is fair and reasonable for me to ask.

 

I think my wife's main problems are that she never really grew up and her parents did not have a good relationship. Her father had many affairs and even moved in with a mistress. Somehow they are still married. My wife is their only child. In my discussions with her, she always says "they should just get a divorce". The one relationship she grew up with was like that and I believe it is why she is so quick to want to run away when there is a problem. It is what her parents did. That's my theory anyway...hopefully nobody is offended by that if your own parents were unfaithful.

[DKT3]

OP, the cheating thing is a real possibility because it's what her behavior as you describe it indicates.

 

Listen, you're not saying anything that every betrayed spouse hasn't said. He/she wouldn't do that, I know my spouse well, I could tell if they were, they have no time. On and on.

 

You not wanting to believe its possible, don't make it impossible.

 

All I'm saying is pay attention. Test her abit, like grab her phone and tell her you need to text someone. Offer to stop by her work place for a chat or pick her up for lunch.

 

All her actions are screaming affair, right down to refusing marriage counseling. Those of us who have seen wayward spouses in action can tell you we were all in your place at one point, denying the possibility, thinking we knew our spouses, thinking there wasn't time. Just dont be blind, open your mind to all possibilities. It is productive if you are trying to eliminate possible causes. The fact that her father was a serial cheater makes it even more likely that she is cheating.

[basil67]

I have called her bluff in the past and she always backed down. I know thats a good way to go. Part of the reason I am not challenging her is because of why she is mad. One of her main complaints is that she says I don't love her. That I don't care about her. If I turn around and tell her that I want a divorce, then I'm just confirming what she is saying. I do feel responsible as a husband for letting my wife feel unloved. So I am trying to convince her that I am there for her. Maybe that sounds weak but I think if I threaten divorce it is all over. I mean, in the past when she threatened divorce for dumb reasons, I would just say "go ahead" and that would be it. She stopped threatening for a long time. But this time is a little different. She says I don't love her so she wants to leave. If I say "ok", that's just validating that I don't love her.

 

I agree with you that cheating probably isn't the issue here. I think it's more about your wife having some seriously unhealthy coping mechanisms or even a behavioural disorder.

 

I think it's time to go back to calling her bluff....but upping the ante at the same time. Tell her that you don't want a divorce, but if she's adamant then you don't want to keep her in the marriage when she doesn't want to be there. When she comes wanting you back (as she almost undoubtedly will) it will be time to put conditions upon rekindling. That condition will be marriage counselling. If she won't go, then the marriage stays switched off. Hold fast to this stance.

 

From marriage counselling, the next step will likely be her attending anger management classes.

 

I honestly think you're going to need to use a whole lot of bluff and tough love to get her to participate. If you don't do this, your child will grow up in a terribly toxic household.

[BettyDraper]

I'm wondering if the stress of being a new mother is getting to your wife.

 

Other than that, your wife needs counseling to heal from her childhood. It seems like your wife is testing you because of the trauma of her parents' marriage.

 

She doesn't have healthy coping mechanisms.

[DKT3]

I agree with you that cheating probably isn't the issue here. I think it's more about your wife having some seriously unhealthy coping mechanisms or even a behavioural disorder.

 

I think it's time to go back to calling her bluff....but upping the ante at the same time. Tell her that you don't want a divorce, but if she's adamant then you don't want to keep her in the marriage when she doesn't want to be there. When she comes wanting you back (as she almost undoubtedly will) it will be time to put conditions upon rekindling. That condition will be marriage counselling. If she won't go, then the marriage stays switched off. Hold fast to this stance.

 

From marriage counselling, the next step will likely be her attending anger management classes.

 

I honestly think you're going to need to use a whole lot of bluff and tough love to get her to participate. If you don't do this, your child will grow up in a terribly toxic household.

 

I agree that behavioral disorders can cause these issues, but those usually involve completely delusional issues with no merit.Her issues are small issues that she has blown out of proportion

[DKT3]

I'm wondering if the stress of being a new mother is getting to your wife.

 

Other than that, your wife needs counseling to heal from her childhood. It seems like your wife is testing you because of the trauma of her parents' marriage.

 

She doesn't have healthy coping mechanisms.

 

When I first read the original post, my first thought was how much is he helping out...but he didnt give any indication that she was overwhelmed

[basil67]

I agree that behavioral disorders can cause these issues, but those usually involve completely delusional issues with no merit.Her issues are small issues that she has blown out of proportion

 

My hope is that by the OP calling her bluff on leaving, he will manage to get her the professional help she requires to figure out what's going on. No matter what the cause, it does sound like she needs professional help.

[d0nnivain]

kp96

 

I'm not somebody who sees cheating & affair around every corner but here even if she's not cheating, I wonder if she has her eye on somebody else, even if not her hands or lips yet.

 

You two have a house & a baby. She's about to be fired, which is a very unstable situation. Why would somebody blow up a stable living situation & threaten divorce when they are at a point where they might not be able to support themselves if they didn't have a Plan B?

 

If you haven't already gotten your brother off the deed, do that. Show it to your wife.

 

Do make the appointment with the marriage counselor for you & your wife. Tell her about the appointment. When she says something like she doesn't love you any more so why should she go tell her the following:

 

* you love her

 

* you both love your child & you would prefer that child grow up with both parents

 

* she took vows like for better or worse, 'til death do us part -- so unless she's a liar in addition to a raging bully she best show up

 

She has serious anger management problems. Until those get addressed, this might not be fixable.

 

Understand while your preference is for your child to grow up in a loving in tact home being raised by divorced parents is still better then being raised in a household with anger simmering below the surface.

[BluesPower]

Our dating and marriage was actually quite fine until we had a baby. That's the rub.

 

I am trying to do the "show her love until she comes around" approach, which has worked in the past. Maybe that sounds weak but apparently a lot of relationship experts recommend that and I have had positive results from it. Most of the times with these blowups, she just wants to feel loved and she forgets everything she was mad about.

 

Unfortunately this time it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere and I'm stuck.

 

 

The Relationship experts you are listening to are fools or you are misreading or not understanding what they are saying.

 

You are being abused and like most people in abusive relationships you hardly even realize what is happening.

 

If you don't start to have some understanding and self awareness your marriage will be over.

 

Please listen to what you are being told by me and others.

 

Right now, you are completely and totally blowing it. And, if you don't get a handle on this situation, at some point you will divorce.

 

So if you want to save this, and I am not sure why you would, find your balls and take charge of your family.

Edited September 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory parts

[doyathinkso]

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

[kp96]

The Relationship experts you are listening to are fools or you are misreading or not understanding what they are saying.

 

You are being abused and like most people in abusive relationships you hardly even realize what is happening.

 

If you don't start to have some understanding and self awareness your marriage will be over.

 

Please listen to what you are being told by me and others.

 

Right now, you are completely and totally blowing it. And, if you don't get a handle on this situation, at some point you will divorce.

 

So if you want to save this, and I am not sure why you would, find your balls and take charge of your family.

 

I will agree with some of this.

 

The part about cheating I will not agree about. I see why some of you think it but it is just incredibly unlikely. We have an infant. The only time my wife is not physically with me is when she is at work. She works at a small cosmetics company. There are only 3 men there. Two are gay, one is 10 years younger, married, and reports to her. She is an executive there. Unless you think she is dumb enough to have sex with that one guy, there is no way she is doing this.

 

The part I am coming around to seeing is that maybe trying to get her back to normal through love is not working. I should just put my foot down. She is trying to punish me for our fight and it's been long enough. I am operating out of fear of losing her but that's not going to keep her. I will just tell her that I have been punished enough and I am not going to take it anymore. She can choose to try to get back on track with the marriage or she can choose to treat me like a stranger. But if she wants to leave or take a break or whatever, the baby stays with me.

[BMI03]

Let me preface my comments below by saying that I think she is treating you unfairly. However, I do think there are things that can be done from your end to help the situation.

 

How long since you found out your brother's name was still on the deed?

 

Have you taken any action to remove it? If not, why not? I understand initially perhaps not because...well hey, it's just my brother. But now it's the catalyst of major marital issues, so why haven't you had it removed yet? Why didn't you take action to remove it immediately when you realized it made your wife feel unsafe in the relationship?

- Complications from his earlier investment in the home?

- Didn't think about it (not understanding your wife's feelings)?

- Knew her accusation were unfounded so didn't want to bend to her will?

- Knew that a part of her was right, and there is in fact a need to protect the asset?

 

Just saying, if she felt unsafe because of this, rightly or wrongly, your job is to make your wife feel safe in the relationship. She is doing a terrible job of making you feel safe, granted, but I am curious as to why the deed hasn't been fixed because maybe this status of making each other feel like the relationship i on the brink of disaster is a two way street, intentionally, or unintentionally.

 

Thoughts?

[kp96]

Let me preface my comments below by saying that I think she is treating you unfairly. However, I do think there are things that can be done from your end to help the situation.

 

How long since you found out your brother's name was still on the deed?

 

Have you taken any action to remove it? If not, why not? I understand initially perhaps not because...well hey, it's just my brother. But now it's the catalyst of major marital issues, so why haven't you had it removed yet? Why didn't you take action to remove it immediately when you realized it made your wife feel unsafe in the relationship?

- Complications from his earlier investment in the home?

- Didn't think about it (not understanding your wife's feelings)?

- Knew her accusation were unfounded so didn't want to bend to her will?

- Knew that a part of her was right, and there is in fact a need to protect the asset?

 

Just saying, if she felt unsafe because of this, rightly or wrongly, your job is to make your wife feel safe in the relationship. She is doing a terrible job of making you feel safe, granted, but I am curious as to why the deed hasn't been fixed because maybe this status of making each other feel like the relationship i on the brink of disaster is a two way street, intentionally, or unintentionally.

 

Thoughts?

 

Fair question. The first thing I looked into was removing the name. However after speaking to a few attorneys, they told me there were tax implications. At a minimum it would be around 10k due to real estate transfer tax. On top of that there could be gift tax implications. Since we were already discussing a move to a bigger house, we decided to just move. My wife agreed to this. Her attacking me after this is why I was so mad a few days ago. We already had a plan to correct it. In addition I had already scheduled someone to check the house for repairs needed for tomorrow and I already contacted a mortgage broker to begin working on a preauthorized loan. She knew all this yet she still attacked me.

[BMI03]

Fair question. The first thing I looked into was removing the name. However after speaking to a few attorneys, they told me there were tax implications. At a minimum it would be around 10k due to real estate transfer tax. On top of that there could be gift tax implications. Since we were already discussing a move to a bigger house, we decided to just move. My wife agreed to this. Her attacking me after this is why I was so mad a few days ago. We already had a plan to correct it. In addition I had already scheduled someone to check the house for repairs needed for tomorrow and I already contacted a mortgage broker to begin working on a preauthorized loan. She knew all this yet she still attacked me.

 

Makes sense.

 

When you say "she agreed to this", does that mean you told her what the options and implications were, what you decided, and got her endorsement?

 

Or did you tell her the options and implications and discuss together with her what you both should do? Maybe even put it in her hands to decide what to do...'Would it make you more comfortable to pay $10K to move it now dear? Or would you like us to wait until we get the new house?'.

 

I may be off, and just probing here to help you think about it. It may seem to you that she agreed to what was obviously the best decision. But if she felt like it was a decision YOU made, and she just nodded 'yes' to, she may still feel like you are imposing your will and she feels no safer.

 

If the decision is put in her hands, I am sure she would sensibly land on the same conclusion that $10K is an unnecessary expense with a new house in the near future coming into place. But the difference is that putting her in the decision making position (or at minimum, a greater than 50% input into it) means SHE has to own the decision and the outcome.

 

Basically, nodding 'yes' to YOUR decision allows her to remain resentful of you if she so chooses (rightly or wrongly). Making her the decision maker in what she needs done to feel safe, means she is committed to the decision and has to own the consequences also.

 

Any of this ring true you think? Does this apply to other decisions in your relationship you think?

[kp96]

Makes sense.

 

When you say "she agreed to this", does that mean you told her what the options and implications were, what you decided, and got her endorsement?

 

Or did you tell her the options and implications and discuss together with her what you both should do? Maybe even put it in her hands to decide what to do...'Would it make you more comfortable to pay $10K to move it now dear? Or would you like us to wait until we get the new house?'.

 

I may be off, and just probing here to help you think about it. It may seem to you that she agreed to what was obviously the best decision. But if she felt like it was a decision YOU made, and she just nodded 'yes' to, she may still feel like you are imposing your will and she feels no safer.

 

If the decision is put in her hands, I am sure she would sensibly land on the same conclusion that $10K is an unnecessary expense with a new house in the near future coming into place. But the difference is that putting her in the decision making position (or at minimum, a greater than 50% input into it) means SHE has to own the decision and the outcome.

 

Basically, nodding 'yes' to YOUR decision allows her to remain resentful of you if she so chooses (rightly or wrongly). Making her the decision maker in what she needs done to feel safe, means she is committed to the decision and has to own the consequences also.

 

Any of this ring true you think? Does this apply to other decisions in your relationship you think?

 

Well, while that may happen sometimes I don't think it was in this case. After we agreed to move she was perfectly happy with the progress. I told her about appointments I was scheduling and whatnot. She only got mad when she told me she might be fired and I said we may have to wait until she gets a new job so we can get a mortgage based on two incomes. The fact that I suggested a delay prompted her to accuse me of not wanting to move because I wanted to continue the "scam". It was ridiculous honestly. So I defended myself and then walked away angry. Since then she has been attacking me and bringing all these other things up.

[bathtub-row]

She sounds abusive, if you ask me. I think you're fighting a losing battle but I'm guessing that you'll keep hanging on until either she divorces you or you've had it up to your eyeballs with her insanity. When people become completely irrational, you could slam your head into a brick wall and get better results.

 

So, here's the deal with children and divorce. Of course, a healthy, intact family is the best scenario. The next best scenario, however, is NOT an unhealthy, dysfunctional family that appears to be intact to outsiders. As much as you want to keep your family together - and I totally get that - if it comes to divorce, you need to get it out of your head that a child can't flourish in that situation. I have a fantastic, well-balanced grown son as proof of that. And he'll readily tell you that he did not want his mom and dad to get back together. So, I'd suggest that you get that off the table because it's influencing what you do.

 

Perhaps you can tough it out for now but if your wife continues this level of insanity, you'll have to think about what it's doing to your child. And don't think kids don't know what's going on because they do.

 

Instead of being calm and trying to reason with your wife when she's acting like a crazy person, why don't you stand up for yourself or walk out until she can show you some respect. If you continue to try and appease her while she's disrespecting you, you're setting yourself up for failure. Tell her that you're not going to stand around and let her talk to you like that. Tell her that if she wants to talk reasonably, you're perfectly happy to do that. If she continues with the disrespect, leave the house - go do something else. You cannot have a happy marriage by teaching her that it's ok to disrespect you.

[sandylee1]

To be honest the way she's behaving I would be glad my brother was on the deed.

 

You had the house long before she came on the scene and her behaviour comes across as being after your cash.

 

Maybe she's angry because she wants a divorce and realises she'd only get a quarter of the house if she did.

 

Is she paying half the mortgage since you married?

 

I'd be thanking my lucky stars I had my brother on the mortgage with the crap she's pulling.

 

Threats of divorce are abusive. My brother's Ex did it and he was fearful, until he wasn't. Then he said ok fine. She couldn't believe it...but there was no going back on it.

 

Tell your wife you love her and you won't stand in her way if she's hellbent on divorce.

 

You have no grounds for full custody. Go for joint custody. Discuss the reality of seperation/divorce with her calmly.

[pepperbird]

I agree with going to a counselor but I suggested that already and she refuses to go. My brother did suggest I go alone, which I may do. Thank you for the help though.

 

 

Do you think that if you framed it from the perspective of it being what's best for your child that she might be wiling to go?