wife threatening divorce

[pepperbird]

I agree with Blues, you're being abused and not standing up for yourself....imagine what you're teaching your child. It's ok for mum to yell and scream abuse at dad, because dad won't do anything! Do you want to raise a child around abuse? Do you want them to think you're weak?

 

 

I can tell you first hand that having children grow up around abuse is terrible, the children will end up with violence and anger issues and possibly PTSD. If you don't have a problem with a future like this, carry on trying to talk nice to Mrs Grumpy pants. Nothing is going to change until you bring it to a head. I seriously recommend filing for divorce.

 

 

OP,

If you are going to file, it can't be an empty threat. You do ti because you are seriously at the end of your rope..you don't do it to manipulate your spouse.

[Downtown]

KP, I agree with Art Critic (post #10) that you seem to be describing many red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums, inability to trust you, lack of impulse control, rewriting history in her mind, low self esteem, very controlling demands, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (hating you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting she may be exhibiting moderate to strong BPD symptoms.

 

Of course, learning to spot these BPD symptoms will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether a professional opinion is warranted at this time. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at these BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar:

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
   
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
   
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members (apparently, this isolation has already started with her treatment of your mother);
   
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
   
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
   
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
   
7. Low self esteem;
   
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
   
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
   
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
    
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
    
12. Complaining that all her previous partners were abusive and claiming, during the first few months of your relationship, that you are the only one who has treated her well;
    
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly at the beginning of your friendship (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met a "soul mate;"
    
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
    
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
    
16. Having no close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away) even though she may have many casual friends;
    
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
    
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
    

If most of those behaviors ring bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join Art Critic in discussing them with you -- and I would recommend you see a psychologist (for a visit or two all by yourself) to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (usually at a low level if the person is healthy).

 

At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). If her BPD symptoms are strong, a second important issue is whether they are persistent over many years.

 

Temporary BPD flareups. Most occurrences of strong BPD traits you see in other people are not caused by lifetime BPD. Instead, they are only temporary flareups of the normal BPD traits we all have. These flareups nearly always are caused by drug abuse or, more often, by a hormone change -- e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, severe PMS, or perimenopause. This is why Art Critic cautioned that, if your W's abusive behavior is being caused by lifetime BPD, her rages and tantrums "would have been present before the baby."

 

Persistent BPD traits. If serious hormone and drug problems can be ruled out, the remaining common cause of strong BPD traits is a stunted emotional development, i.e., something occurring in early childhood that caused emotional development to freeze at the level of a young child. This is a far more serious problem because it is results in BPD traits that are permanent unless the pwBPD undergoes years of intensive therapy to acquire many emotional skills that the rest of us learned in childhood.

 

It therefore would be helpful if you would tell us how long you've been in a relationship with your W and when you first started seeing the rages and black-white thinking in her behavior.

Edited September 12, 2018 by Downtown

[kp96]

Hello - sadly, I am back. I am the OP.

 

So...I made it through the last blowup. While some of the advice here wasn't so great (i.e. she is definitely cheating on you), there was some solid advice that I followed. I ended up basically standing my ground. She continued to attack me until it was my father's birthday, which she said she didn't want to go to. So I took my daughter alone and we went and I stayed away from her. Somehow, when I got back, she was all of a sudden nice to me and just like that, the fight was over. It was nuts. Things were actually great in my home after. She was loving and caring and not a bad word was said between us. That lasted a good 3 weeks. This all changed on Monday.

 

For those of you following the thread, the fight was again about my house. She accused me of "not wanting to move and keeping the scam going" of having my brother's name on the deed (even though logic says there is nothing that can really happen unless me or my brother get a divorce). Our plan was to sell the house and buy a new one, and get my brother's name off it.

 

I haven't listed the house yet because it needed some repairs (half the bathroom floor was moving, for example). Over the past month I have been repairing the house and also prepping to purchase a new one. I created a budget for the new house (and showed her), etc. And last weekend I spent both days repairing the bathroom floor.

 

However, on Monday, she was mad because the house wasn't listed, and told me we would get a divorce if it wasn't listed that day. She accused me of not wanting to move. Anyone with any logic at all would know that is flat out ridiculous, especially since the previous day I had been repairing the floor. But she attacked me because I hadn't listed the house and she said "you don't have to do repairs to list the house. You are stalling to keep the scam going."

 

Since Monday she has been attacking me about the house again and I held my ground. We fought over and over about it. On Thursday, she sent a note to my mom telling her that we are getting a divorce. When my mom asked what happened, she said that I am a liar and have been lying since the day we met. Of course my mother is furious now.

 

Unfortunately, the day after (Friday...yesterday) I made somewhat of a mistake. I am pretty sure her issue is hormonal because the blowup always happens on the second week of the month. So, after all this happened I asked a friend of mine what to do about it over text. Unfortunately I said some not nice things about the situation while doing this. I basically told my friend that my wife has a hormonal problem and is acting crazy. My wife saw my phone open and went through the texts and read everything. This has prompted her to get the divorce papers. Now she says I have dishonored her and her family and I don't deserve to be her husband.

 

While I did not apologize for the house thing, I apologized for bringing my friend into it because I can understand she doesn't want me saying bad things about her to her friend. I told her I was very upset because she had threatened divorce and I was looking for help. I didn't want to bring my family into it so I went to a trusted friend. She said it doesn't matter....her family has "lost face" so she says we are done.

 

She is now at her parents place but will come back with our 9 month old baby on Monday. I am alone here.

 

I need some advice again friends. I know this is offensive to some of the great women here but this really really seems like PMS or another hormonal problem. We have been having monthly blowups since she stopped breastfeeding. She also recently lost her job and that has caused her a ton of stress. But mostly I suspect a hormonal problem because it is literally the second week of every month that this happens (for about the past 4 months).

 

What should I do?

 

My current course of action is to try to ride it out because last time, she snapped out of it. However, it is a little different this time because she is furious about the texting I did with my friend. She accuses me of badmouthing her to all her friends and now her social life is ruined (Of course, the truth is that I only texted one friend but she does not believe that). I am thinking she might actually file for divorce now. She got the papers.

 

The bigger issue is this....if she gets over this, this is probably going to happen again in a month. I need to find a way to at least minimize this. I want to tell her to go to the doctor but that will invalidate her feelings and likely we will have another crazy blowup. What is the best way to do this?

 

I am also going to talk to a divorce lawyer early this week to prepare if she actually does file for divorce. I don't want to divorce because I want to watch my daughter grow up and I would likely get joint custody at best, which would mean that I would not have the influence that I want on her upbringing. I also still love my wife despite this, because when we are not fighting, she is an angel. Honestly. It's just these monthly periods where she gets uncontrollably angry with me that I am having trouble bearing.

 

Sigh. Please let me know what you think. I appreciate everyone's input here.

[Marc878]

Sounds like you have 2 choices.

 

Kowtow and do what she says so you can be a martyr for your child.

 

Call her bluff and say having to live like this were better off divorced.

 

There is no magic.

 

She seems abusive and if it's not your house it will be something else.

 

I'd rather have 50% quality time with my child than live like you are.

 

Life is to short to put up with that ****

[Mr. Lucky]

I also still love my wife despite this, because when we are not fighting, she is an angel.

 

Having followed this thread, not sure which of you is more delusional. A month ago you said this:

 

She made a laundry list of reasons I am a bad person, each of which we had either discussed before or I had apologized for already. When she ranted at me, I kept calm but could not respond because many of the things were just flat out not reality. They were untrue. She is accusing me of things that I know for a fact that I didn't do.

 

I tried to calmly talk to her and explain my perspective, but she is so angry that anything I say, she will either come up with some out of left field counter, or completely dismiss if it is clear as day that it is a good point. I could say "1 plus 1 is 2" and she will say "I don't care, that doesn't matter".

 

I have told her repeatedly that I love her and that any issue we have, we should discuss and resolve. She is so angry now that this is impossible.

 

And now the same thing is happening again. So does it really matter how she acts in the few days of relative calm in between blow-ups?

 

Your concern for your child is valid but your solution is off by 180 degrees. The emotional maelstrom you describe is the last place in which to raise a well-adjusted and emotionally healthy toddler, child, tween, teenager or young adult.

 

You need to think long term...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kp96]

Having followed this thread, not sure which of you is more delusional. A month ago you said this:

 

 

 

And now the same thing is happening again. So does it really matter how she acts in the few days of relative calm in between blow-ups?

 

Your concern for your child is valid but your solution is off by 180 degrees. The emotional maelstrom you describe is the last place in which to raise a well-adjusted and emotionally healthy toddler, child, tween, teenager or young adult.

 

You need to think long term...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree that this cannot go on this way. Long term it is better to split if this is going to be my life. Yes.

 

I believe that since 1.) None of this happened when she was pregnant and breast feeding, and 2.) Our fights occur on a regular cycle (every 2nd week of the month), that this is hormonal.

 

My intent is to weather the storm for now (unless she files for divorce, at which point it is over), and then when things are ok, to address her hormonal issue with a doctor. If she does not work with me on that, then I will ask for her to go to marriage counseling.

 

Of course, if that doesn't work then a hard decision may be made. By hard, I mean whether or not I can take this every month but get to see my child grow up every day, or if I should cut my losses and feel some level of sadness that my child does not have both her mother and father. I would have to think about that. But divorce would enter the picture then....with me the one filing, not her.

 

Ultimately, what would help here is if someone could advise 1.) does my plan sound reasonable and 2.) the best way to broach and push my wife to address what I suspect is a hormone imbalance. My experience is that most women do not take kindly to implications that their feelings are PMS related (even though they are) because that discounts them. They may actually have legitimate reasons and when men brush them off as PMS, it is offensive. Rightfully so. It is sensitive to say the least.

Edited October 14, 2018 by kp96

[Marc878]

I wouldn't be asking. Life isn't with living like this.

 

You teach people how they can treat you.

 

Apparently she's learned she can do as she pleases and you'll just take it.

 

You've put yourself in a bad situation.

 

Stop or get more of the same

[Mr. Lucky]

Of course, if that doesn't work then a hard decision may be made. By hard, I mean whether or not I can take this every month but get to see my child grow up every day, or if I should cut my losses and feel some level of sadness that my child does not have both her mother and father.

 

You don't seem to be focused on how negative and impactful this craziness will be on your daughter. You may have a battle on your hands in the effort to provide her with an emotionally healthy environment, together or apart...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kp96]

You don't seem to be focused on how negative and impactful this craziness will be on your daughter. You may have a battle on your hands in the effort to provide her with an emotionally healthy environment, together or apart...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I spoke to some trusted people and I am coming around on it. My mother cited me many examples of people who are in this situation and she assured me that my daughter would be fine even if we were split up. It made me feel a little better about it.

 

In any case, I just had another argument with my wife where she was trying to get me to agree to give her custody. She wanted to do it "amicably". I know she was either 1.) trying to get me to beg her to stay or 2.) trying to do it uncontested because she is currently unemployed and would have a lot of trouble going through a divorce.

 

I told her that the only way we would do an uncontested divorce if is I got full custody of the child. I told her she has a choice....come home and work on the marriage, or give me the name of her lawyer after she files.

She is, of course, not backing down and again said she would do it the hard way. So I guess we will see what happens.

 

Ultimately, I don't think she wants a divorce. When she calms down, she should realize I'm actually a good guy. But I can't budge this time. I have to let her know that threats of divorce will not intimidate me. She can either do it or find a different way to "win" the argument.

[Whodatdog]

Give her what she wants. She wants a divorce? Then give it to her. I think you have zero chance of getting full custody. Shared custody will be more like it.

[Marc878]

I spoke to some trusted people and I am coming around on it. My mother cited me many examples of people who are in this situation and she assured me that my daughter would be fine even if we were split up. It made me feel a little better about it.

 

Your mother is smart

 

In any case, I just had another argument with my wife where she was trying to get me to agree to give her custody. She wanted to do it "amicably". I know she was either 1.) trying to get me to beg her to stay or 2.) trying to do it uncontested because she is currently unemployed and would have a lot of trouble going through a divorce.

 

Pure manipulation to get you to tow the line. You'll get 50/50 custody at a minimum.

 

I told her that the only way we would do an uncontested divorce if is I got full custody of the child. I told her she has a choice....come home and work on the marriage, or give me the name of her lawyer after she files.

She is, of course, not backing down and again said she would do it the hard way. So I guess we will see what happens.

 

This will be your defining moment. You back down now you permanently lose

 

Ultimately, I don't think she wants a divorce. When she calms down, she should realize I'm actually a good guy. But I can't budge this time. I have to let her know that threats of divorce will not intimidate me. She can either do it or find a different way to "win" the argument.

 

Why don't you think about what you want for a change instead of letting her decide your fate. I promise you your best interest isn't in her mind. It's all about her.

 

You let this go on too long and it's out of control.

[mrs rubble]

Is she on contraception at the moment? Some of the hormonal contraceptives have an effect on PMS, I know that I(and my family) suffer horribly from my PMS, when I went on the depo shot, my moods improved greatly.

You're right that it is a difficult subject to bring up with a woman, and you're likely to get told that hormones are not the issue.

Maybe if you say something like "Since you've been back on (whatever contraceptive she is on), you don't seem your regular happy, easy going self, maybe you should see your doctor to see if he can prescribe an alternative" Make it about her ie- "her happiness" "her frustration".

[beautiful_day]

I think if you haven’t seen a lawyer yet, you need to ASAP because this is going to get very expensive, especially as she isn’t working.

 

It sounds to me like she’s screaming for you to sell the house and buy a new one so that she and the baby can live in it without you. If you divorce tomorrow she will get a quarter. If you buy a new house she gets to live in it with the baby and you get to pay the mortgage and child support maybe alimony too. The judge won’t care if you live under a bridge as long as you pay her bills. I thinks that’s why she’s frantically trying to get you to list it. She’s got a plan. This is not PMS. She’s trying every trick in the book to get you to sell and buy her her own house.

 

Get a lawyer, don’t sell the house!

[Arris]

I'm no expert by any means, and I'm in my own situation at the moment, so I'm not as well versed as most on this board.

 

 

Depending where you live and the laws, I would start recording her blow ups. I believe in shared parenting as best works for the kid, but if she is unstable, how can we be sure that is best for the kid?

The other problem is, you know she is unstable and yet you leave your kid with her, you know her best but a court may hold that against you in some way. That may be a question for an attorney.

 

 

I think someone said it best, keep an open mind. Do not try and label exactly what is going on with her, listen to what she tells you and pay attention. Somewhere in there is the truth.

She gave you a laundry list, did you reflect on it? Did you ask yourself if any of those are an ongoing issue with you? How does she perceive it? She may have just a single problem with right now that is big, the house maybe, and she is bringing up all these past resentments that she might have kept buried. In reality, they probably mean nothing.

 

When you discuss, argue or fight, how do you respond to her? You may need to change your approach to make sure you do all you can. Don't say anything that would trigger a self defense response.

I've heard a lot about not wanting to be weak, or beta and alpha, but there is strength in staying grounded and not being affected by what she does to show her some stability and that you can talk without blowing things up.

If she starts going off, slow her down and tell her one issue at a time. Let her decide which. Then keep telling her, we can talk about whatever you want, just calm down and we'll go over whatever you want.

I don't understand the house deal. Obviously she doesn't feel secure, why? Is there another underlying issue? Have you done anything else that would seem deceptive?

Now, grab some paperwork on the house, your finances, what your house may be worth, lay everything out. Your income, expenses and let her see why it might be a good idea to wait.

 

 

Another thing is, confront her directly on the divorce threats. Don't act worried about it, but don't basically dare her. Just tell her it's distracting and if it comes to divorce, we'll handle it when we have to. It serves no purpose to throw it in your face and ask her why she does that? Just remember, not in a daring manner.

Let her know you're listening, and slow things down, one issue at a time. Maybe one issue a day. Then, ask her to focus on something positive. Maybe talk to a realtor, take her for a drive to look at houses. I don't know, but it doesn't hurt to try but you need to calm the situation down, don't get caught up in going back and forth.

 

 

Also, whatever you texted your friend is ok. You have every right to confide in someone. So long as you were truthful, don't let her blow that out of proportion. Then I would ask her flat out, Quote one of her outbursts and ask her if that doesn't sound crazy to her.

 

 

I also don't know your relationship, could she just be more upset that you continually confide in other people and not her? That is an issue I have with my wife, seems more like she lives two lives, but I get the tired out version.

 

 

Keep that open mind, put yourself in her shoes, and read up on some marriage books. A couple I read that were good are: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18596378-one-more-try

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22574077-sacred-marriage

 

 

The first and third link are religious slanted, but even if you don't have a religion or whatever, they still give great guidance.

 

 

Maybe walk into your book store or public library if they carry them and browse through them.

 

 

If your wife is going through some type of meltdown or whatever, it may be hard to reason with her at all. Have her read the books as well. Maybe instead of couples therapy, start her off with her own therapist.

 

 

Maybe in the end, ask her what she wants from you exactly. It's not that you are going to cater to her, but learn what her top issues are, and tell her you want to discuss how to handle them, and reassure her, you are talking to her to resolve these issues but she too has to put in some effort and some trust.

 

 

You don't want to reward her outbursts, and at the same time you don't want to trigger them or give them meaning. Let her know she's making you walk a very fine line and it's not fair. Some of the things I say is putting trust into her that she'll try to do the right thing, but if you can't trust her enough to be open and honest, how will things ever be honestly worked on?

[kp96]

I'm no expert by any means, and I'm in my own situation at the moment, so I'm not as well versed as most on this board.

 

 

Depending where you live and the laws, I would start recording her blow ups. I believe in shared parenting as best works for the kid, but if she is unstable, how can we be sure that is best for the kid?

The other problem is, you know she is unstable and yet you leave your kid with her, you know her best but a court may hold that against you in some way. That may be a question for an attorney.

 

 

I think someone said it best, keep an open mind. Do not try and label exactly what is going on with her, listen to what she tells you and pay attention. Somewhere in there is the truth.

She gave you a laundry list, did you reflect on it? Did you ask yourself if any of those are an ongoing issue with you? How does she perceive it? She may have just a single problem with right now that is big, the house maybe, and she is bringing up all these past resentments that she might have kept buried. In reality, they probably mean nothing.

 

When you discuss, argue or fight, how do you respond to her? You may need to change your approach to make sure you do all you can. Don't say anything that would trigger a self defense response.

I've heard a lot about not wanting to be weak, or beta and alpha, but there is strength in staying grounded and not being affected by what she does to show her some stability and that you can talk without blowing things up.

If she starts going off, slow her down and tell her one issue at a time. Let her decide which. Then keep telling her, we can talk about whatever you want, just calm down and we'll go over whatever you want.

I don't understand the house deal. Obviously she doesn't feel secure, why? Is there another underlying issue? Have you done anything else that would seem deceptive?

Now, grab some paperwork on the house, your finances, what your house may be worth, lay everything out. Your income, expenses and let her see why it might be a good idea to wait.

 

 

Another thing is, confront her directly on the divorce threats. Don't act worried about it, but don't basically dare her. Just tell her it's distracting and if it comes to divorce, we'll handle it when we have to. It serves no purpose to throw it in your face and ask her why she does that? Just remember, not in a daring manner.

Let her know you're listening, and slow things down, one issue at a time. Maybe one issue a day. Then, ask her to focus on something positive. Maybe talk to a realtor, take her for a drive to look at houses. I don't know, but it doesn't hurt to try but you need to calm the situation down, don't get caught up in going back and forth.

 

 

Also, whatever you texted your friend is ok. You have every right to confide in someone. So long as you were truthful, don't let her blow that out of proportion. Then I would ask her flat out, Quote one of her outbursts and ask her if that doesn't sound crazy to her.

 

 

I also don't know your relationship, could she just be more upset that you continually confide in other people and not her? That is an issue I have with my wife, seems more like she lives two lives, but I get the tired out version.

 

 

Keep that open mind, put yourself in her shoes, and read up on some marriage books. A couple I read that were good are: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18596378-one-more-try

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22574077-sacred-marriage

 

 

The first and third link are religious slanted, but even if you don't have a religion or whatever, they still give great guidance.

 

 

Maybe walk into your book store or public library if they carry them and browse through them.

 

 

If your wife is going through some type of meltdown or whatever, it may be hard to reason with her at all. Have her read the books as well. Maybe instead of couples therapy, start her off with her own therapist.

 

 

Maybe in the end, ask her what she wants from you exactly. It's not that you are going to cater to her, but learn what her top issues are, and tell her you want to discuss how to handle them, and reassure her, you are talking to her to resolve these issues but she too has to put in some effort and some trust.

 

 

You don't want to reward her outbursts, and at the same time you don't want to trigger them or give them meaning. Let her know she's making you walk a very fine line and it's not fair. Some of the things I say is putting trust into her that she'll try to do the right thing, but if you can't trust her enough to be open and honest, how will things ever be honestly worked on?

 

Thank you for taking the time to write all of this. I appreciate it.

 

Her issue with the house is unsolvable. I made a mistake in not realizing that during the refinance that the property deed was not changed. She tells me that I actually knew and I lied to her before we got married by saying the house was mine. In my mind, it was mine because I have been paying the mortgage by myself since 2007. Sure feels like it is mine.

 

There is some reason for her distrust that I don't understand either....

[knitwit]

OP, I agree with your assessment, this is likely hormonal.

 

My own personal experience was that after birth, once my period came back around month 4, I was miserable the week before my period. When my son was around 8 or 9 months old- AKA after about 4 or 5 months of being miserable, my H waited until after the bad week had gone and told me it was time to see a doctor.

 

Since I was miserable too, I agreed. I had postpartum depression. I never actually felt depressed (more angry and anxious) so I didn't catch on. I went on Lexapro for about 5 months and haven't needed it since.

 

 

Key items: my H didn't try to talk to me during my bad week. He waited until things were calmer. He also didn't try to pull an ultimatum or do any strong-arming. He spoke to me in a caring manner.

 

If your experience is that she calms down, I think you should let this blow over but let her know that something is going and it is serious, and she needs to see a doctor.

 

Best of luck to you!

[snowcones]

It definitely sounds like the love is gone between the two of you and when the love is gone, then you have a partnership left and you guys aren't partnering very well.

[Rubix Cubed]

I spoke to some trusted people and I am coming around on it. My mother cited me many examples of people who are in this situation and she assured me that my daughter would be fine even if we were split up. It made me feel a little better about it.

 

You still don't seem to be understanding what Mr. Lucky is telling you:

You don't seem to be focused on how negative and impactful this craziness will be on your daughter. You may have a battle on your hands in the effort to provide her with an emotionally healthy environment, together or apart...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's not that your child will be OK if you divorce, it's that she will be permanently scarred by the dysfunctional abusive relationship you are in WITH your wife if you DON'T divorce. Your daughter will think that is how all women in relationships are supposed to act and her entire future will likely be scarred from acting just like your wife. Does that make it a little clearer? So you just enduring and being a martyr is actually a selfish act when it comes to your daughter. It would hurt her more than it would help her. A child that comes from two separate happy homes has a much better chance of being healthy mentally than a child who comes from one angry home.

[kp96]

So I'm back.

 

I'm convinced it is hormonal. She is back to being nice after her period started. It's like we didnt fight.

 

I have told her a couple things. First I told her she needs to see a doctor. She thinks I am trying to blame her for the fight. I am telling her that it's not the content of the fight that is destructive, it is the intensity. I also told her that post partum is nobody's fault and it is just nature. I am going to keep working on that. I also told her that we will see a counselor if this happens again, whether she likes it or not.

 

I do think I am learning a bit from this forum. The best advice I got was to put my foot down and take control. Towards the end, that is exactly what I did and surprise surprise, she changed her behavior into a more respectful attitude. I told her to go ahead and file for divorce if she wants to and I'll deal with it then. The takeaway here is to always be strong and lead her, even in bad times. I was passively taking her abuse and to nobody's surprise, that angered her more. Standing up to it made her respect me better and things got less crazy.

 

Thanks to all of you who helped me out. Hopefully I will not be back next month with these problems. I think i am better equipped to handle them.

[Marc878]

You teach people how they can treat you