matthewb4375 Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 I’ve been going out with my partner for 6 months now, and we’re not agreeing on a situation with her ex. Before I go on, I do fully trust her, I’m just not sure if I’m expecting too much or not. She was very good friends with this guy for a couple years until they finally got together. They were then in a relationship for 5 years so a fair time. They split a couple of years ago. Anyway since then they’ve just been really really close friends. My problem is that now I’m in a relationship with her I think there too close. They sometimes message each other constantly throughout the day, from the moment we’re awake until we go to bed in the evening. They also usually meet up around three times a month for meals and things. Once last month she even went round to his house for food and to watch a film together. I’ve asked her to tone down the messaging and maybe meet up once a month at most. I’d really appreciate your opinions on this. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 They also usually meet up around three times a month for meals and things. Once last month she even went round to his house for food and to watch a film together. Were / are you invited to these meetings? My feeling is that an opposite sex friend, especially an ex, should be a friend of the relationship. If she's going to these meetings without you and not even asking if you'd like to come along, then you have a problem. However asking her to tone down the messages and meetings is a bad move. You come across as controlling and insecure. Much better is to tell her how it makes you feel, let her choose whether to make any changes or not, and then decide if she's good gf material or not based on her actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author matthewb4375 Posted September 6, 2018 Author Share Posted September 6, 2018 She has suggested we meet up at some point. She has also agreed to tone it down etc, do you think I should be happy with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author matthewb4375 Posted September 6, 2018 Author Share Posted September 6, 2018 The other problem is I live about an hours drive away, so if her ex is free it's usually last minuet and I wouldn't be able to get there in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 How is she with you in general. Is she a great GF to you. Are you happy with her. Do you see her as long term. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 Is this going to be a deal breaker for you? If so then why did you ever start a relationship with her in the first place. I feel like people get into trouble in their relationships because they're willing to overlook everything in the beginning and then later on they start demanding that the other person make changes. If right away you had said I'm not comfortable with a girlfriend having close friendships with men or men who are exes then your girlfriend could have decided then and there if she was willing to sacrifice her friendship for the sake of dating you. However by waiting 6 months now she's in a tough spot because she probably doesn't want to lose you or her friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 Anyway since then they’ve just been really really close friends. I think you should rethink your justification for using the word 'just'. You don't know. You can't know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 They sometimes message each other constantly throughout the day, from the moment we’re awake until we go to bed in the evening. The other problem is I live about an hours drive away I'm confused, how can you wake up together if you live an hour apart? She has agreed to tone it down when you're around. Who knows what she'll do when you're not? And now she will simply not tell you when they are meeting up in person. I think you've made your problems worse here, by trying to tell her how to behave. You should have told her how you feel and wait for her to take action (or not). Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2018 Share Posted September 7, 2018 5 years dating is fairly significant. Add to that they were friends before that & after that. You may have to factor in how long in total they have known each other. If they were apart for a while before you came into the picture & have maintained a friendship through that you may have to accept his presence. Meeting him & seeing for yourself may help. Who her priority is will also be telling. If she's too busy with him to see you or talk to you, then you are right to be concerned. If you come 1st, then simmer down. However, if she's texting him while with you that is not so good. I don't understand anybody who texts all day. Too much effort IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 However, if she's texting him while with you that is not so good. OP, of everything you've listed, this would bother me the most. I'd interpret it as her prioritizing the emotional connection with him over her time with me. And the fact you had to point this out to her isn't good news... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 (edited) If, as you say, you fully trust her, why do you see the need for her to message him less? It's rare but possible for exes to remain friends after a breakup. To be as close friends as they are is even rarer. It does sound like an awful lot of messaging but messages are easily misconstrued. My best suggestion is for you to meet this guy as per her suggestion - the fact that she suggested it probably means she wants to show you that she is being truthful. And for you to meet someone who has been a part of her life for so long. It's a chance for you to see how they interact with each other - if it's friendly banter like close friends then you probably have nothing to worry about. Any sign of flirting and I'd be asking some serious questions. On the note of messaging - do you feel as if she's prioritising messaging him over time with you? Even if it were purely a friendship, I'd still want the majority of attention to be on me when we're hanging out in person. That's just common sense. Edited September 8, 2018 by snowboy91 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 I think you handled it fine. You asked her to tone it down (very reasonable), she agreed. Wait and see how things go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 Ten bucks says they are still banging. I have been that ex. Even if they aren't hooking up, her relationship with this guy is beyond inappropriate. I would let it be known that I don't put up with that sort of thing, and if it continues, I would get out. Stay in touch with her, be her "friend" and hook up with her on occasion. That's likely what the ex is doing. Even if they're not "banging" and they're actually having an innocent Netflix n chill night.. I think it is still cheating. So inappropriate and I agree with a hard line approach. If you take others advice of egg shell tip toeing then you are screwing yourself over and being a doormat. I think OP did fine to speak up about it. 6 months is long enough for her to lift her game and stop acting inappropriately. I would watch her behaviour from here on and if she doesn't improve then cya. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 I suspect she has some problems. He is aware of that, it came out in the relationship, and that's why he knows they can never be a couple. But he is sympathetic so they are friends so as not to be lonely. You, are the new guy, you don't know what's wrong with her, and you may never know until she's under stress. That's my suspicion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 Yeah, I wouldn't stay with a girl that is hanging out, watching Netflix with her ex. In my experience and observations though, those Netflix and Chill dates are not platonic. From a guy's perspective, that's usually why we hang out with exes, they are the first to become a FWB. I'm surprised people are making excuses for her or saying it is not his place to say. He's her boyfriend of 6 months. I get it if the exes are friends and maybe catch up for a coffee and chat or go out some place, but 'very very close friends' who constantly text eachother, and Netflix n chill at home as a couple? I think it's a good sign that she agreed and did not jump on the defensive and make a big deal about it though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I think it's a good sign that she agreed and did not jump on the defensive and make a big deal about it though. Or it just means they'll go underground. OP, keep your eyes open... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 It may not be that she's outright cheating on you with her friend/ex, but what does all that time with him say about her emotional availability for you? --If she has a bad day, who does she go to first--him, or you? --If she has an issue with your relationship, does she talk about it with you straightaway, or first with him? --If she needs help with practical things, does she go to him first, or you? I don't think it's necessary for someone to cut a longstanding friend / former romantic partner out of their life completely, but they should have weaned themselves from even a deep platonic attachment to them by the time they're out dating someone new. Early on when my ex and I were dating, he mentioned how his previous gf, K, and he went out to lunch with A, his gf before K. I raised my eyebrows at him and said, "I just want to be very clear that I have no interest in having lunch or any other interaction with that or any other of your exes." And I told him I really did not like that his ex-ex, A, kept trying to get in touch with him. "Doesn't she know you have a girlfriend?" I asked. Because while your girlfriend might be trustworthy and her intentions pure, what about the guy? You don't know him and you don't know what he gets out of continuing to hang around. Being girlfriend/boyfriend for five years is, among other things, a habit, and how can they fully break aspects of that habit if they're now hanging around so much with each other as "friends"? I'd find the whole situation very suspect if I were you. Frankly, this situation would make me so uncomfortable I'd probably have to bow out of the relationship. It's only been six months. You can find someone who isn't tied at the hip to an ex, someone who will put YOU first in every way. That's how trust is built. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I'm surprised people are making excuses for her or saying it is not his place to say. He's her boyfriend of 6 months. He's her BF not her father or her jailer. He can express his dislike of her behavior & ask her to stop. He cannot tell her what to do. Even if he was her husband, he can't tell her what to do. All he can do is vote with his feet & break up if her behavior bothers him that much. In a good, loving relationship when one partner expresses concerns about the other's behavior, the actor should seek to make the unhappy partner more comfortable by altering the behavior. However the change has to be voluntary. There is no mechanism for making it mandatory. It's the "put your foot down" dictatorship that gets my ire up. I'm firmly in the "you can't tell me what to do" camp but if my partner asks me to do something I should be willing to compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
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