Why [don't] most teenage couples last when they go into adulthood?

[SuperHeroMan]

I'm 24 years old, and nearly all of the couples I knew from high school all have broken up today. I only know 2 couples from high school who are still together today, and that's it.

[bathtub-row]

Because a person is changing and growing internally at a rapid pace at that age - particularly between 18 - 25. Most of the time, people don't have a clear idea of who they are, the things they want out of life, etc. Nor have they typically experienced a variety of personalities and the world in general. This is especially true if one or both of them go off to college. They meet new people, people completely unlike the ones they knew from high school and, suddenly, that part of their life (high school) seems like a different world to them. Most people establish their most solid friendships in college.

 

Not only do young couples often grow in different directions, even if they're going in the same direction, they can feel suppressed by the other person from experiencing life freely. That's why it's rare that the relationships last. There are too many factors, too much changing externally and internally for them to want to stay in a committed relationship.

[preraph]

People are changing so rapidly after they leave their parents home and our young adult and becoming their own person, meeting all different kinds of people and their world is so much larger, so people grow apart because they don't change in the same way.

[newyorker11356]

I'm 24 years old, and nearly all of the couples I knew from high school all have broken up today. I only know 2 couples from high school who are still together today, and that's it.

 

Because of people that age being very young and haven't fully grown yet in the brain. Their tastes and worldview stuff changes on a daily basis, and with what they want in a relationship.

[nospam99]

Because of people that age being very young and haven't fully grown yet in the brain.

I'm getting really tired of reading this generalization repeated here on LS.

 

https://wexnermedical.osu.edu/blog/brain-myths

'There is a wide range of variability between individuals regarding when the brain is fully developed. For some that could be as early as age 18 or as late as age 30. But the average is around 25 years of age.'

 

I'm going to claim to be Alex Keaton and to have been on the left in that distribution. When I was 20 I was in grad school and hung out with an older crowd. The only reason I waited that long was because I was enjoying high school (in many ways the best years of my life). My point is to not use chronological youth as an excuse for 'questionable' behavior. I've known people who behaved as adults at the age of 10 (yes, rare) and others who, like Peter Pan, have still refused to 'grow up' as seniors.

[BaileyB]

I'm getting really tired of reading this generalization repeated here on LS.

 

https://wexnermedical.osu.edu/blog/brain-myths

'There is a wide range of variability between individuals regarding when the brain is fully developed. For some that could be as early as age 18 or as late as age 30. But the average is around 25 years of age.'

 

I'm going to claim to be Alex Keaton and to have been on the left in that distribution. When I was 20 I was in grad school and hung out with an older crowd. The only reason I waited that long was because I was enjoying high school (in many ways the best years of my life). My point is to not use chronological youth as an excuse for 'questionable' behavior. I've known people who behaved as adults at the age of 10 (yes, rare) and others who, like Peter Pan, have still refused to 'grow up' as seniors.

 

You are not incorrect, there are people who mature at a very young age. In fact, many of my friends are married to their high school sweethearts, have children, and are doing well...

 

However, the AVERAGE age is still 25 years old. And, it is my understanding that the frontal lobe is the last to develop which affects judgment, impulse control, executive functioning, decision making. Although the age of maturation may have huge variability, there is some truth in this statement.

[MaleIntuition]

No complicated explanation are necessary. The average relationship is what, 4 years? 2 years? It’s just statistics. Most relationship will not last... some beat the odds though.

[PRW]

I'm 24 years old, and nearly all of the couples I knew from high school all have broken up today. I only know 2 couples from high school who are still together today, and that's it.

 

It has nothing to do with brains maturing. That is just excuse making that our current society is so good at.

 

You go back before the 1960's in the US and maybe the 1950's in Europe and people got married and stayed married. It is because of how people are raised growing up and what values they have and moral foundation they are anchored to. Most of them today are all just little borderline narcissists. On top of that we have had a war on marriage and a war on traditional relationships since the 1960's,...so what do you expect to happen? Then we have a school system that can't figure out what a male and female is, while then indoctrinating that confusion into the heads of our kids before they reach puberty.

 

China and Japan don't have these problems. Eastern Europe and Russia isn't doing all that bad by comparison, although there may be more of a drug & alcohol problem there. But in the specific context you are asking the question I think they do better with regard to the teenager question.

[bathtub-row]

It has nothing to do with brains maturing. That is just excuse making that our current society is so good at.

 

You go back before the 1960's in the US and maybe the 1950's in Europe and people got married and stayed married. It is because of how people are raised growing up and what values they have and moral foundation they are anchored to. Most of them today are all just little borderline narcissists. On top of that we have had a war on marriage and a war on traditional relationships since the 1960's,...so what do you expect to happen? Then we have a school system that can't figure out what a male and female is, while then indoctrinating that confusion into the heads of our kids before they reach puberty.

 

China and Japan don't have these problems. Eastern Europe and Russia isn't doing all that bad by comparison, although there may be more of a drug & alcohol problem there. But in the specific context you are asking the question I think they do better with regard to the teenager question.

 

I have a theory about the 60’s revolution and marriages. What a lot of kids growing up in the 50’s saw was mommy staying at home (no way to support herself if she had to - which translates into “no options”), daddy going to the office and his stressful job, often cheating on the boring housewife who depended on him, parents hating their lives, etc. Kids at that time were thinking, “No way am I getting stuck on that treadmill!” Eventually, most did. Then in comes the Millennials who are losing interest in owning things, getting into debt, working at jobs they hate, and are more focused on adventure and having fun until they’re ready to settle, if they ever choose that. Btw, I have serious doubts about people in Russia doing well. The absence of divorce isn’t a very good gauge in my opinion. And in England, they’re shying away from marriage like it’s a plague. And let’s not even discuss the cheating that goes on.

 

What you might see as narcissistic is, in my opinion, an evolution of mankind that needs to happen. You can’t glorify long-term relationships any more than you can trash the single life, divorce, etc. Most people involved in those long marriages didn’t divorce because of the stigma associated with it, or religious reasons, or having no other options. I get it that family is integral to a healthy society but there’s a lot wrong with saying that people should choose misery for the sake of that.

 

In my opinion, I think people are lacking education in relationships and how to treat others because in my marriages, the men were controlling, demanding, condescending, and in general, had no clue about what it meant to show respect, how to be in a relationship. I’m guessing that’s not unusual. I always say it’s the Big 3 that don’t get taught in school but should: Relationships, Raising Children, and Money. These are the biggest factors of our lives - all through our lives - and they basically fall by the wayside. In essence, young adults are walking into the world immediately handicapped. Until we address these issues, things will continue to digress in relationships and people will more often seek out other alternatives. As a rule, humans do not thrive under duress and misery.

Edited September 7, 2018 by bathtub-row

[smackie9]

Yup I agree with everyone else...they grow in different directions, and become very different people. Also here is a whole new world....the adult world where there are plenty of new experiences to explore, like dating, living on your own, finding a career,.....you even out grow some of your friends and make new ones. From my experience, as a teenager, you don't make the best choices....even in partners. That usually take awhile to figure things out.

[bathtub-row]

I would also ask, what’s wrong with going out and having adventures and seeing the world before settling down? A person who does that can have so much more contentment, experience, confidence, and more to offer. I think it’s the absence of that that causes people to hit a mid-life crisis. They start to see that life is short and they didn’t do most of he things they wanted to. That’s the kind of thing that makes people snap.

[PegNosePete]

50% of marriages don't last.

 

How many relationships do you have before marriage? For most people at least 4 or 5.

 

So by the numbers alone there's just a 12% chance that your first relationship will turn into a lasting marriage.

[PRW]

I have a theory about the 60’s revolution and marriages. What a lot of kids growing up in the 50’s saw was mommy staying at home (no way to support herself if she had to - which translates into “no options”), daddy going to the office and his stressful job, often cheating on the boring housewife who depended on him, parents hating their lives, etc. Kids at that time were thinking, “No way am I getting stuck on that treadmill!” Eventually, most did.

 

I think you might be transposing the debase immoral character of the 1960's as a mask on top of the 1950's and missing what the 1950's were.

 

The mother staying home in the 1950's was seen as a good thing and women of that time were proud of what they did. They weren't even thinking of "how would I support myself" because families were solid and stayed together. Those women were never considered "boring",...the men had the moral values of that time and they weren't cheating and were ostracized if they did cheat.

 

The divorce Rate:

1950's 9.3%

1960's 16.3%

Today +50%

 

It was the hippies, the "free love", and the second wave feminism of the 1960's that destroyed all that,...via the children of the 1950's parents. The 1950's parents had a "life is good, life is easy" outlook because they just won WWII (in 1945) and felt invincible, had a booming post-war economy and made plenty of $$$...so they raised their kids as privileged entitled spoiled brats (baby boomers). They had forgotten what THEIR parents came through which was the 1930's depression where they came out of that with the attitude of "life is hard, life is uncertain",...you gotta work your ass off or you starve,...and the world doesn't owe you anything. Forgetting that was the 1950's parents big fatal mistake,...from an otherwise awesome generation of people.

Edited September 7, 2018 by PRW

[carhill]

Today young people have more options and more exposure to vastly disparate culture than ever before. It's natural that they explore them, including with relationships.

 

Personally, I only have two examples that counter the apparent trend, my exW's sister and my best friend's daughter. Both were married as teens, actually under eighteen, and both were pregnant, or so they say, when they got married. Basically shotgun weddings as we used to say. The former has been married 41 years and the latter 29 years. Of course, the children they had, more than those at the beginning, are long adults and some have children of their own, though they didn't get married as teenagers.

 

My mother's youngest sister (of 8) dated a WW2 vet when she was sixteen (he was 26) and married him at 18 and was married for over 50 years until he died, by then with great grandchildren.

 

Though I lost touch with most, the classmates at my religious school appeared to pair off as teens and that lasted at least through college, with some getting married right out of high school. I attribute some of that to religious indoctrination and parental socialization which molded them into a certain mindset at a young age.

 

I'm glad to see kids having more options and more general safety than when I was young and hopefully making use of and benefiting from them. If they choose to explore and remain uncommitted, free will. That's about as human as it gets.

[bathtub-row]

I think you might be transposing the debase immoral character of the 1960's as a mask on top of the 1950's and missing what the 1950's were.

 

The mother staying home in the 1950's was seen as a good thing and women of that time were proud of what they did. They weren't even thinking of "how would I support myself" because families were solid and stayed together. Those women were never considered "boring",...the men had the moral values of that time and they weren't cheating and were ostracized if they did cheat.

 

The divorce Rate:

1950's 9.3%

1960's 16.3%

Today +50%

 

It was the hippies, the "free love", and the second wave feminism of the 1960's that destroyed all that,...via the children of the 1950's parents. The 1950's parents had a "life is good, life is easy" outlook because they just won WWII (in 1945) and felt invincible, had a booming post-war economy and made plenty of $$$...so they raised their kids as privileged entitled spoiled brats (baby boomers). They had forgotten what THEIR parents came through which was the 1930's depression where they came out of that with the attitude of "life is hard, life is uncertain",...you gotta work your ass off or you starve,...and the world doesn't owe you anything. Forgetting that was the 1950's parents big fatal mistake,...from an otherwise awesome generation of people.

 

Men didn’t cheat? I don’t buy that at all. That’s as old as the hills. Perhaps they hid it better but it happened, and happened a lot. Look, I grew up with nice, loving parents and my father didn’t cheat as far as I know. Being from the Depression generation, they never fully got over that and definitely didn’t raise us as entitled kids. That’s probably the majority of parents of that generation - they were children during the Depression and definitely felt it. But all I had to do was look around and, yes, many men take advantage of a woman when she’s dependent on him - I saw it when I was a kid and I still see it. It gives them leverage and many, many people will take advantage of that.

 

While overall the 50’s and 60’s was a sweet time to grow up, there was an unrest that ran deep. The drugs was merely a way of rebelling against the norm and it had its effect. While I was just slightly too young to be involved in it or to even fully understand it, in retrospect I can see how it pushed things in another direction. And I’ll say this much - never, ever would I allow myself to be in a position where I depend on a man to support me. It’s sad but a fact - it’s a very vulnerable place to be when you depend on someone who abuses or disrespects you; when there’s with no place to turn because you don’t have options.

Edited September 7, 2018 by bathtub-row

[PRW]

While overall the 50’s and 60’s was a sweet time to grow up, there was an unrest that ran deep.

 

 

The 50's and 60's were not a single unit. They were drastically different times. The 50's were a great time. The 60's were pretty wretched, particularly the late 60's going into the 70's

[hotpotato]

I've known quite a few high school sweethearts who are married. They'll often break up at some points.

 

Some of my peers are celebrating their 10th wedding anniversaries. I suppose it depends on where someone lives. It's customary to marry young where I live.

[eleanorrigby]

my husband and I have been together since we were both 16 in high school, married at 21 and two kids by 23.

 

Looking back it was difficult to be married so young, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but I'm happy for anyone that makes it work.

 

I look at our kids 25-27 and they look way, way too young to be married with kids to me, so I can't even imagine what my parents were thinking about the two of us. At 21 I looked 15.

 

We've grown up together and made it through those crazy young years together.

I think being the same age helped. I have a feeling had there been any age difference between us we wouldn't have lasted this long.

[somanymistakes]

I think you might be transposing the debase immoral character of the 1960's as a mask on top of the 1950's and missing what the 1950's were.

 

The mother staying home in the 1950's was seen as a good thing and women of that time were proud of what they did. They weren't even thinking of "how would I support myself" because families were solid and stayed together. Those women were never considered "boring",...the men had the moral values of that time and they weren't cheating and were ostracized if they did cheat.

 

This is a fantasy. It is not the truth.

 

A lot of women were quite angry at being forced back into the home after the war. The government frantically sponsored propaganda to try and convince them that they should be happy there.

 

As for cheating, while it's always difficult to get highly accurate reporting when you're talking about illegal and socially-disapproved acts, anyone seriously studying the subject will tell you that there were plenty of cheaters in the 50s too. The Kinsey Reports started in the 1950s and record people having extramarital sex all over the place.

 

It was well enough known that there were many helpful "guides" to being a better wife and trying to keep your husband from straying... but if he does stray, forgive him. What's a little cheating compared to the importance of wifehood?

[Mr. Lucky]

Today young people have more options and more exposure to vastly disparate culture than ever before.

 

I think also, given our highly sexualized culture (porn included), young couples go into relationships today with unrealistic expectations regarding sex and intimacy. Young males anticipate pornstar moves and untenable frequencies, young women nonstop attention and grand gestures, none of which are sustainable when the realities of adult life and family responsibilities arrive.

 

Anyone who's been through the challenges of raising a young family knows instant gratification is usually off the menu...

 

Mr. Lucky