Meeting BS before I meet the kids

[niteandfog]

If anybody has followed my story you'll know that the kids form their own accord have asked to meet me. That's awesome news, but there's s catch his exW wants to meet me so I she can't tell me all the destruction I caused and so she gets a formal apology from me.

 

I think that's pretty pointless but considering that were going to be part of each others lives permanently it seems like a reasonable request.

 

But what do I tell her? I wrote her a letter a while ago. I think the problem will be that she'll want me to admit I wrecked her marriage and I don't agree with that. I was the trigger sure but that's very different from saying that without me they were all blissfully happy.

 

I guess the bottom line is that I do regret how we behaved and I do feel sorry about that. But I'll never apologize for falling in love with him.

[d0nnivain]

The destruction YOU caused? What about the destruction her Ex-H caused? He's the one who broke their marital vows.

 

This whole thing sounds nuts to me but as you pointed out, she will always be there so whatever you gotta do to keep the peace.

[BaileyB]

I think the problem will be that she'll want me to admit I wrecked her marriage and I don't agree with that.

 

Well, this will be interesting for you.

 

You fundamentally disagree. To you, they were already unhappy, you fell in love, and you will never regret that. While to her, you inserted yourself in her marriage and took her husband.

 

I don't know how you bring that together... But, I'm interested to see how you will try... The drama continues...

Edited September 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[BurnedAndLost]

If anybody has followed my story you'll know that the kids form their own accord have asked to meet me. That's awesome news, but there's s catch his exW wants to meet me so I she can't tell me all the destruction I caused and so she gets a formal apology from me.

 

I think that's pretty pointless but considering that were going to be part of each others lives permanently it seems like a reasonable request.

 

But what do I tell her? I wrote her a letter a while ago. I think the problem will be that she'll want me to admit I wrecked her marriage and I don't agree with that. I was the trigger sure but that's very different from saying that without me they were all blissfully happy.

 

I guess the bottom line is that I do regret how we behaved and I do feel sorry about that. But I'll never apologize for falling in love with him.

She's asking you to admit what you did was wrong (it is ) and an apology.

She's actually asking for a simple thing. If you truly want to avoid the drama and to her heal you will abide by her request.

[d0nnivain]

If the kids want to meet you & their parent your BF wants you to meet them, why does the BS get a say at all?

 

Again to preserve harmony I understand but really she is not holding all the cards here unless her EX lets her. That says more about his priorities then anything, doesn't it?

[BurnedAndLost]

If the kids want to meet you & their parent your BF wants you to meet them, why does the BS get a say at all?

 

Again to preserve harmony I understand but really she is not holding all the cards here unless her EX lets her. That says more about his priorities then anything, doesn't it?

They have been together for like 2 months. asking to meet her is reasonable affair or not.

[BaileyB]

She's asking you to admit what you did was wrong (it is ) and an apology.

She's actually asking for a simple thing. If you truly want to avoid the drama and to her heal you will abide by her request.

 

And, she is not wrong.

 

She has no "right" to demand a meeting. You do not have to meet her. But I would think, if your goal is to heal this family and move forward in a healthy way, that you would do as she asked.

 

It's not going to be fun. She is very angry and this has the potential to go very badly if you agree to meet her. But, this is the consequence of your decision to get involved with her husband.

 

I'm assuming that she has already had this discussion with her husband, and he has apologized and taken responsibility for the whole situation.

Edited September 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[anika99]

I feel so bad for the BS. It seems like she is in great pain and is looking desperately for some relief, something she can do just to take away the pain even a little bit. Now she thinks if she meets you and gets an apology she might feel better but she won't. Only time, time, and more time is going to heal her wounds. But if this is what she wants and your MM is in agreement with her then I guess you could meet her but I don't think this meeting is going to make anything better.

 

On the other hand, meeting her might help you to finally see her as a person, rather than just some pathetic creature who is an obstacle to your happiness.

[niteandfog]

He apologized about everything about 8 months ago when everything exploded. Since then it's been fight after fight, that's what he just wants to keep the peace.

 

She now has a boyfriend. They've been dating for almost three months. He's going to meet my boyfriend's children. He tried to get out of his marriage weeks after meeting me, which makes me think that that marriage was done and I was just the trigger to its dissolution.

[BaileyB]

 

She now has a boyfriend. They've been dating for almost three months. He's going to meet my boyfriend's children.

 

And thus, the reason why she wants to meet you and have her children meet you. It is now in her own best interest. Not surprising.

[Angelica21]

You were PREVIOUSLY the Other Woman (OW).

 

You are NO LONGER the OW.

 

Now you got your man, you won.

 

Many of us here cannot relate to all these next steps in your life about whether you should apologize to ex-wife, etc.

 

You and your man SHOULD both want to ease the ex-wife's pain as much as you can. You SHOULD have a lot of compassion for her, you SHOULD feel sorry for your role in this big mess.

 

The problems that you and your man have now really belong in a different Loveshack section, such as Divorce or Relationships.

[niteandfog]

You were PREVIOUSLY the Other Woman (OW).

 

You are NO LONGER the OW.

 

Now you got your man, you won.

 

Many of us here cannot relate to all these next steps in your life about whether you should apologize to ex-wife, etc.

 

You and your man SHOULD both want to ease the ex-wife's pain as much as you can. You SHOULD have a lot of compassion for her, you SHOULD feel sorry for your role in this big mess.

 

The problems that you and your man have now really belong in a different Loveshack section, such as Divorce or Relationships.

 

I did think putting it somewhere else,however I thing some of my "problems" are unique to the affair context.

 

Also, I didn't "win" there was never a battle.

[pepperbird]

If you do meet with her, I would suggest you do so in a public place.

 

I have a sneaking feeling that if you do meet her, you might get a different view of their relationship than what your boyfriend is giving you, and take that as a gift. Somewhere in the middle of his story about their marriage and hers, you'll find the truth. That can be really helpful to you.

[Angelica21]

I did think putting it somewhere else,however I thing some of my "problems" are unique to the affair context.

 

No, it's not unique to the affair concept.

 

It's totally a typical problem in thousands and thousands of divorce situations.

 

It is a story well-known and common to divorced couples, their children, and the new relationships developed.

 

There are thousands of people participating on divorce forums who have had the experience you're going through right now, and they could well advise you.

 

You're torturing a lot of OW here on this site who would love to have their MM choose them and build a life with them, but their MM does not make that choice.

[niteandfog]

If you do meet with her, I would suggest you do so in a public place.

 

I have a sneaking feeling that if you do meet her, you might get a different view of their relationship than what your boyfriend is giving you, and take that as a gift. Somewhere in the middle of his story about their marriage and hers, you'll find the truth. That can be really helpful to you.

 

Yes, I'm absolutely aware that the truth is somewhere between their versions of their marriage. Actually that has never played a role in our relationship. He never really complained about her. He always claimed she was a good person that had her moments. Overall it was stheir incompatibility that tear them apart.

[Bufo]

Do you mean to tell us that those Disney films were fairy tales after all and not biographies?

 

Here is some practical advice. Do not go to a meeting where you do not know the agenda in advance. Is the plan to chastise you? Tell what an SOB you have hooked? Discuss potential solutions to future social problems such as kids’ weddings, births, etc? Whatever, if you agree to meet, insist on a public forum, have enough cash to pay your portion of the bill, and have your own transportation as you need to be prepared to leave on a moment’s notice. Don’t expect the meeting to be pleasant. To her you are the devil that ruined her marriage and always will be. She wants to give you the proverbial piece of her mind. Times 100. Including setting you up for embarrassment and ridicule.

 

And they all lived happily ever after. I guess that’s the clue that Disney films are fairy tales.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think the problem will be that she'll want me to admit I wrecked her marriage and I don't agree with that. I was the trigger sure but that's very different from saying that without me they were all blissfully happy.

 

I guess the bottom line is that I do regret how we behaved and I do feel sorry about that. But I'll never apologize for falling in love with him.

 

Now is not the time to be a right fighter. Regardless of how you rationalize your choices, no good will come from pointing out to her that her marriage wasn't happy. Be reserved and gracious, nothing more or less.

[Poppy47]

If the kids want to meet you & their parent your BF wants you to meet them, why does the BS get a say at all?

 

Again to preserve harmony I understand but really she is not holding all the cards here unless her EX lets her. That says more about his priorities then anything, doesn't it?

 

She is their parent. Maybe she considers it to be her duty and right to meet the person her children could be spending some time with.

 

Whether you apologise or not???? I don't know.

 

I can guarantee that she will never like you or trust you no matter what you do.

 

Poppy

[niteandfog]

She is their parent. Maybe she considers it to be her duty and right to meet the person her children could be spending some time with.

 

Whether you apologise or not???? I don't know.

 

I can guarantee that she will never like you or trust you no matter what you do.

 

Poppy

Apparently that's more or less what she wants. The apology is a bonus. Which I get. I'm a mother too, I'd like to have a chat with the person who's going to share a roof with my daughter.

 

Hopefully it will be ok. I plan to meet in public. Ideally he should be present although I can't decide to be fair.

[niteandfog]

 

You're torturing a lot of OW here on this site who would love to have their MM choose them and build a life with them, but their MM does not make that choice.

 

I know I'm in the "minority" but is it really torture? I often think that if other OW knew my story they'd try to find some similarities and make their own choices.

 

It is said that if the MM is to leave the wife he'd do so within 3-4 months. I'm part of that statistic. In fact he tried to leave his exW very early in our relationship. Within 2 weeks of our first kiss I filed for divorce, the following week he addressed it with her. It took him two more months to finally leave the family home for good.

 

You're right though. I'm not the OW anymore. We have a home together, joint bills and a cat. I'm the step mother of his kids. He's the step father of my daughter. We're engaged, we're marrying in November in the US with my family and going on our honeymoon to Mexico.

 

I think the affair is how we met but not what defines us as a couple.

[minimariah2]

 

I think the affair is how we met but not what defines us as a couple.

 

well, it definitely does say something about your character. we're judged not by our words but by our action. it is what it is.

[minimariah2]

Apparently that's more or less what she wants. The apology is a bonus. Which I get. I'm a mother too, I'd like to have a chat with the person who's going to share a roof with my daughter.

 

Hopefully it will be ok. I plan to meet in public. Ideally he should be present although I can't decide to be fair.

 

he shouldn't be present, the meeting is between the two of you and dragging him into it will probably make her feel attacked/cornered.

 

are his children going to live with the two of you?

[d0nnivain]

This whole thing sounds so ridiculous to me. I dated a man with kids once. His divorce wasn't final when we statred. I went to a pick up / exchange of kids once & met the EXW. I said hi & shook her hand. Occasionally there after I would pick up or drop off the kid. We had very little other interaction.

 

I can't see any good coming from some meeting where the guy in the center off all this is not present.

 

You show up. You let the other parent see you don't have 3 heads & that the kids will be safe in your presence but you certainly do not discuss the end of the marriage with this person. Whether you were the cause or just the catalyst of the break up, you can't give her what she wants: peace of mind, absolution, someone to blame or closure. Doing anything other then letting her eye ball you is going to cause more problems.

[niteandfog]

 

You show up. You let the other parent see you don't have 3 heads & that the kids will be safe in your presence but you certainly do not discuss the end of the marriage with this person.

 

Yup, that's how I see it. The catch is that she actually knows me and we interacted a bit in the past. We were friendly so she knows I'm no real life witch/monster.

 

So apart from a "please look after them" which of course I will because I love their dad... I don't know what will come out of it.

 

The kids will live with us 1/3 of the time. In the future depending how things go we might ask for joint custody.

[BaileyB]

This whole thing sounds so ridiculous to me. I dated a man with kids once. His divorce wasn't final when we statred. I went to a pick up / exchange of kids once & met the EXW. I said hi & shook her hand. Occasionally there after I would pick up or drop off the kid. We had very little other interaction.

 

I can't see any good coming from some meeting where the guy in the center off all this is not present.

 

You show up. You let the other parent see you don't have 3 heads & that the kids will be safe in your presence but you certainly do not discuss the end of the marriage with this person. Whether you were the cause or just the catalyst of the break up, you can't give her what she wants: peace of mind, absolution, someone to blame or closure. Doing anything other then letting her eye ball you is going to cause more problems.

 

I certainly agree. As much as I can understand her desire to meet you - whether it is to learn that it is safe to leave her children in your care or whether it is to give you a piece of her mind - I don't see anything good coming from this meeting. I would do my best to limit the damage and move on...