Meeting BS before I meet the kids

[BaileyB]

I wonder why he felt the need to do that.

 

This man put his own needs above the emotional wellbeing of his children, again.

 

I will guarantee you OP, if these children were older they would have had a very different reaction.

[niteandfog]

We're talking about a kid who supposedly has panic attacks just by seeing me. So I'm guessing he was trying to see if there was any truth in that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

We're talking about a kid who supposedly has panic attacks just by seeing me. So I'm guessing he was trying to see if there was any truth in that.

 

This sort of sounds like gaslighting your own child. Sad.

[ladydesigner]

This sort of sounds like gaslighting your own child. Sad.

 

Totally. I would take it down a few notches it seems the only one thinking of the kids is their mother thank god. I feel sorry for them.

[Artdeco]

PDA during the first meeting with the kids?

That’s not appropriate.

[Starswillshine]

This sort of sounds like gaslighting your own child. Sad.

 

Exactly. This is so sad. And heartbreaking.

[BaileyB]

We're talking about a kid who supposedly has panic attacks just by seeing me. So I'm guessing he was trying to see if there was any truth in that.

 

Next time the kid has candy, try taking it away to see if the child will cry...

 

Seriously, this is totally inappropriate. If the child is having panic attacks, why would anyone ever do something that would provoke a panic attack? It's so unkind - to his own child.

 

And let's say he did have a panic attack, how long do you think it will be before he wants to see you again... That doesn't seem like it's going to be a successful long term strategy for you.

 

Those poor children. This is really hard to read sometimes.

Edited September 18, 2018 by BaileyB

[SouthernIslander]

We're talking about a kid who supposedly has panic attacks just by seeing me. So I'm guessing he was trying to see if there was any truth in that.

 

And this crosses a blantant line of emotional/mental abuse on his part and yours.

[BaileyB]

And this crosses a blantant line of emotional/mental abuse on his part and yours.

 

Agreed. It's a totally unacceptable thing for a parent to do.

[whichwayisup]

That episode of kissing in public feels like it was a very long time ago. And it's not like we're dry jumping or making out. It was just playing with my hair, quick sneaky kiss here and there. TBD I think it was way worse that they saw us cuddling on the sofa.

 

No kid of any age wants to see their parents make out, let alone their dad and his new girlfriend. It's one thing to hold hands, it's another to kiss in front of them, especially so soon, the 1st time they met you. Right now the focus should be on the kids and how they feel/adjust to this. You and him can keep the kissing behind closed doors when the kids are around.

[whichwayisup]

We're talking about a kid who supposedly has panic attacks just by seeing me. So I'm guessing he was trying to see if there was any truth in that.

 

So what if the kid freaked out? What would you two have done? Does his father think that anxiety and panic attacks are a joke? Respectfully, this guy needs to start putting his own children's feelings and needs above his own.

[niteandfog]

So what if the kid freaked out? What would you two have done? Does his father think that anxiety and panic attacks are a joke? Respectfully, this guy needs to start putting his own children's feelings and needs above his own.

 

No, we don't think they're a joke at all! We just think that they could either have been made up or grossly exaggerated as neither of us were witnesses of them. They also happened at the height of "if you cared about your children you'd leave her".

 

Oddly enough his daughter talked about the day one of them supposedly happened. And the kid was 100% ok. So it does raise some questions. That is all.

[imsosad]

I think the pair of you have been completely carried away your emotions and the excitement of falling in love.

I get it, I have been there.

Thing is, you seem to be insensitive and immature towards everyone around you.

Like you, I left my marriage to be with my AP. Like your partner, my guy left his marriage for me. I know the height of emotion that comes along with such drastic changes in life.

Having said that, there is no reason to forget your positions as adults, handling a fragile and painful situation for ex spouses and children.

You can not seriously expect the children to be overcome witj joy at your union.

You both made decisions that shattered two families.

You don't seem to get that your great story of love and happiness is a painful ordeal for others.

I have no idea why you need to involve the children so soon?

My AP/now partner have been a legit couple for almost 3 years, and we have only been gradually introducing each other to our children over the past six months.

Why all the rush?

The speed you guys are moving in seems almost desperate.Why not wait a while and let things settle?

I hope all of us are wrong, and everything will work out for you regardless.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No, we don't think they're a joke at all! We just think that they could either have been made up or grossly exaggerated as neither of us were witnesses of them.

 

Why the need to know for sure? At the possible expense of the poor child? Makes no sense.

[SouthernIslander]

No, we don't think they're a joke at all! We just think that they could either have been made up or grossly exaggerated as neither of us were witnesses of them. They also happened at the height of "if you cared about your children you'd leave her".

 

Oddly enough his daughter talked about the day one of them supposedly happened. And the kid was 100% ok. So it does raise some questions. That is all.

 

Passive aggressive blame on the mother doesn’t distract from the father's dysfunctional behavior.

 

He should have a relationship with his child so they can communicate on issues like this BEFORE introducing them to you or anyone else. It is inexcusable and abusive to push the envelope to see if it makes his own child have a panic attack. Bottom line.

 

And I have a very hard time believing his daughter is volunteering this information in front of Dad’s OW that she just met. You should not be involved or listening to conversations like that nor is it your place to question anything.

 

I feel awful for these kids.

[whichwayisup]

No, we don't think they're a joke at all! We just think that they could either have been made up or grossly exaggerated as neither of us were witnesses of them. They also happened at the height of "if you cared about your children you'd leave her".

 

Oddly enough his daughter talked about the day one of them supposedly happened. And the kid was 100% ok. So it does raise some questions. That is all.

 

Do you understand what anxiety is though? It's not just about 'freaking out' so you can physically see the reaction, it's inside too. Read up on anxiety disorders, especially if this child is quiet and is a thinker, there are things going on inside. Just saying don't assume.

[pepperbird]

So what if the kid freaked out? What would you two have done? Does his father think that anxiety and panic attacks are a joke? Respectfully, this guy needs to start putting his own children's feelings and needs above his own.

 

 

So he's exposing his child to the possibility of a panic attack just to prove a point?

 

 

 

I don't understand why this guy, his ex-wife and kids don't attend a few family counseling sessions together ( sans op) so they can work through some of the grief this situation has caused? A few sessions could make a world of difference in how the family heals.

[niteandfog]

Passive aggressive blame on the mother doesn’t distract from the father's dysfunctional behavior.

 

He should have a relationship with his child so they can communicate on issues like this BEFORE introducing them to you or anyone else. It is inexcusable and abusive to push the envelope to see if it makes his own child have a panic attack. Bottom line.

 

And I have a very hard time believing his daughter is volunteering this information in front of Dad’s OW that she just met. You should not be involved or listening to conversations like that nor is it your place to question anything.

 

I feel awful for these kids.

 

She was actually addressing me so it was meant to be for me. She just commented on how she'd seen me at school.

 

I don't t.know his sonbut from what I've heard he breaks down and cried when he can't situations. Which didn't happen at all.

 

The children and their dad had a proper conversation with him before they decided they wanted to meet me.

 

I know about anxiety, my exH had severe anxiety . The kids are alright for now. I know it will a long and winding road, but I'm sure we'll get there

 

 

-imsosad- everything had to be rushed as his side of things were extremely public. I was publicly shamed at school. I had to.explain to my daughter what was going on in terms she could understand. We never pushed anything with his kids, it's been at their own pace and only followed their lead.

 

Their mom has a boyfriend and she introduced him to the kids, he spends a lot of time with them (apparently) and I guess the kids wanted to see the other side of the coin.

[BaileyB]

There is literally nothing anyone can say to try to impress upon you how your decisions (all the adults) are so very hurtful to these children.

 

You continue to ask children to deal with adult problems, and that is so wrong.

 

There may be nothing that we can say, but I hope that you will have a different understanding with time and with the guidance of your children. If they still want to have a relationship with you when they are older...

[SouthernIslander]

She was actually addressing me so it was meant to be for me. She just commented on how she'd seen me at school.

 

I don't t.know his sonbut from what I've heard he breaks down and cried when he can't situations. Which didn't happen at all.

 

The children and their dad had a proper conversation with him before they decided they wanted to meet me.

 

I know about anxiety, my exH had severe anxiety . The kids are alright for now. I know it will a long and winding road, but I'm sure we'll get there

 

 

-imsosad- everything had to be rushed as his side of things were extremely public. I was publicly shamed at school. I had to.explain to my daughter what was going on in terms she could understand. We never pushed anything with his kids, it's been at their own pace and only followed their lead.

 

Their mom has a boyfriend and she introduced him to the kids, he spends a lot of time with them (apparently) and I guess the kids wanted to see the other side of the coin.

 

 

Doesn’t matter, even if that is true. You are the adult and that is not an appropriate conversation to have on the first meeting. Those kids will always choose thier mother over you, so I strongly encourage you to be mindful of the conversations you engage in or having any questions about it.

 

If the father handled this correctly by focusing on his child, there would be no buttons to push to see if it pushes his own kid over the edge.

 

Also, you getting publically shamed is a result of a situation you chose to be in. That has nothing to do with the father rushing these kids into a cluster that they have no choice to involve themselves in.

 

I’m not trying to be rude but the lack of ownership is pushing the both of you to make u healthy decisions for these kids.

[SouthernIslander]

Do you understand what anxiety is though? It's not just about 'freaking out' so you can physically see the reaction, it's inside too. Read up on anxiety disorders, especially if this child is quiet and is a thinker, there are things going on inside. Just saying don't assume.

 

I agree with you 100%. Kids always wants to please thier parents. It’s common to internalize when they are in the middle of conflict like this.

[georgia girl]

There’s not a lot that can be done now, you and your significant other already blew your chance with the kids. What you failed to understand - both of you - was that this meeting was about THEM. Making them as comfortable as possible. Creating a safe spot for them. Moving carefully so they could get to know you without any additional pressure. Instead the two of you - for God knows why - had to engage in PDAs in front of them? What? We’re you trying to outdo the ex-wife or something?

 

Listen, niteandfog, if you want to stop being the other woman, stop ACTING like the other woman. Instead, be a new partner and a mom yourself. Step outside of yourself and work to create a blended family by putting the kids’ needs first - both yours and his. Be stable, warm and comforting. Be calm and gracious.

Find fun, family-oriented things to do. And keep your adult, private relationship out of view of the kids. Holding hands every now and then, that’s okay. No cuddling, no sneaky kisses or any of that stuff. That’s grown up stuff. They don’t need to see it. They don’t want to see it. And it’s just plain selfish of both of you to put either set of kids in that situation, especially on the first meeting.

 

You want those kids to build a familial relationship within your family with your partner as well as within their family with their mother. But until you and your partner can stop acting like hormone-induced teens in front of them, that won’t happen. Let them get to know you safely. Geesh, you are a mom. You know better than try and induce an anxiety-driven response in a child just to prove a point.

[BaileyB]

What you failed to understand - both of you - was that this meeting was about THEM. Making them as comfortable as possible. Creating a safe spot for them.

 

^^^ This. Very well said.

[niteandfog]

Well third day together. No real PDA apart from a kiss on the cheek. His daughter asked about me and I offered to teach them both how to play the piano. It was my daughter's bday and I thought it was a nice thing for the five of us to have a bit of a celebration together. Apparently they really like me

[BaileyB]

As I said, you are so insistent that you know what is best and that these children are doing fine that it’s unlikely that you will hear anything that is said here...

 

I think your saving grace may be that the children are very young - too young to really understand the situation and too young to possibly even remember some of this experience. That said - I would not be surprised if the children struggle with this as they grow older - particularly if the adults cheat again, the relationships break up, or the adults continue to use these children as pawns. All, very real possibilities given the events of this past year.