Meeting BS before I meet the kids

[niteandfog]

The girls I'm sure don't really understand what happened. But the boy does. It is hard to know what's him talking and what's his mom speaking through him. But as things were originally he saw it like his dad preferred to be with another woman than with his family. He felt betrayed by his own father (or that's what everybody thinks).

 

Everything changed when he heard from his dad (Infront of his mom) of how she had an affair with a MM when she was 16 and how his parents met while being with somebody else. To which he asked "why do you keep making the same mistakes?"

 

Supposedly his mom showed him photos of me telling him I was the woman who wrecked his life. But I actually doubt everything and maybe that didn't even happen.

 

He's not scared of me, I think I would be able to tell.

[BaileyB]

But as things were originally he saw it like his dad preferred to be with another woman than with his family.

 

Is that not pretty much exactly what happened though... Based on what you have said here, I would say this kid is pretty perceptive.

 

Everything changed when he heard from his dad (Infront of his mom) of how she had an affair with a MM when she was 16.

 

Again, a young child should NEVER know this about his parents. You are asking a child to deal with things that adults have difficulty understanding. His father had an affair and the child is unhappy, so he attempts to justify it to the child by demonizing his mother - "she did it too."

 

Poor kid.

[niteandfog]

I was not there so I don't know how things evolved. I only know things through my boyfriend which obviously will have a bias. I think the truth of everything that has happened is somewhere in between.

 

Which again I don't know exactly what was said or how it. Was said... None of the kids should have been exposed to any of this. And yes, it would have been simpler to not have an affair.

 

I think what helped as well is that he tried talking to his son about it a couple of months before he left. Maybe he remembers that conversation (which happened three weeks after we met) and came to realise that yes we had an affair, but his dad was unhappy and actually tried to leave before he caused more harm (with hindsight he should have) but what's done is done.

[pepperbird]

The girls I'm sure don't really understand what happened. But the boy does. It is hard to know what's him talking and what's his mom speaking through him. But as things were originally he saw it like his dad preferred to be with another woman than with his family. He felt betrayed by his own father (or that's what everybody thinks).

 

Everything changed when he heard from his dad (Infront of his mom) of how she had an affair with a MM when she was 16 and how his parents met while being with somebody else. To which he asked "why do you keep making the same mistakes?"

 

Supposedly his mom showed him photos of me telling him I was the woman who wrecked his life. But I actually doubt everything and maybe that didn't even happen.

 

He's not scared of me, I think I would be able to tell.

 

 

Dear god, please tell me that didn't really happen. This man accused their mother of being an ow when she was a 16 year old kid?

 

 

 

So he is trying to make their mother look bad? The really ironic thing is that by chiding her for once being an ow, what's that saying about you?

 

Kids are not a naive as some adults think, but a kid really doesn't understand adult relationships. Burdening his children by telling them how unhappy he was with their mom, bringing up her past form long before she and his dad ever met are absolutely ridiculous. The kids are acting more adult than the grown ups in this situation.

Edited September 20, 2018 by pepperbird

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Everything changed when he heard from his dad (Infront of his mom) of how she had an affair with a MM when she was 16 and how his parents met while being with somebody else. To which he asked "why do you keep making the same mistakes?"

 

Why would your BF do that?

 

How old is his son?

[niteandfog]

I actually can't remember why that ended being talked about. Possibly because she accused me of having no morals and being a homewrecker, not sure though.

 

I also know she had an affair with her exboyfriend when their son was 18months old but he doesn't know anything about it.

 

What has happened over and over again is that I have been accused of everything that happened, that I turned his head and changed him into a different person. How I'm terrible and evil and she's this immaculate person. Again I'm not saying this is the case, but I think that's been the narrative. To which my boyfriend always answers that I had no idea who he was and he did all the chasing that if anyone was the homewrecker it was him.

 

So I think that gets him and tries to defend me in whichever way he thinks it's best. Again just a theory as I have no clue what really goes on.

 

The boy is 10.

[BTDT2012]

Everything changed when he heard from his dad (Infront of his mom) of how she had an affair with a MM when she was 16 and how his parents met while being with somebody else. To which he asked "why do you keep making the same mistakes?"

 

 

 

Why would someone who loves his son do this?In addition, he was drawing false equivalencies. 'Being' with someone else is not the same as 'married' to someone else. It sounds like he is trying to minimize his actions, not take responsibility for his choices.

[pepperbird]

I actually can't remember why that ended being talked about. Possibly because she accused me of having no morals and being a homewrecker, not sure though.

 

I also know she had an affair with her exboyfriend when their son was 18months old but he doesn't know anything about it.

 

What has happened over and over again is that I have been accused of everything that happened, that I turned his head and changed him into a different person. How I'm terrible and evil and she's this immaculate person. Again I'm not saying this is the case, but I think that's been the narrative. To which my boyfriend always answers that I had no idea who he was and he did all the chasing that if anyone was the homewrecker it was him.

 

So I think that gets him and tries to defend me in whichever way he thinks it's best. Again just a theory as I have no clue what really goes on.

 

The boy is 10.

 

 

Again, he is showing you who he really is. Do you really feel that telling a 10 year old that his other has been with a married man when she was a 16 year old teenager is appropriate?

I hope your answer is "no".

 

 

 

This isn't just something he blurted out by mistake, and whatever his wife is / isn't doing, or what she did/ didn't do is not relevant. Would you ever do something like this to a child? If your answer is "no", then why do you approve of him doing so? Why are you willing to overlook all of this?

 

 

Lots of marriages end in divorce, and lot of those families are able to navigate the process without attacking each other verbally in front of their kids.

 

 

 

It really sounds to me as if you are smitten with this guy, and accepting/tolerating behaviors in him that you otherwise wouldn't. Eventually, all the kerfluffle of the affair will be over. He won't be able to use his ex/affair to excuse his behvaior to his kids or to you.

[niteandfog]

Why would someone who loves his son do this?In addition, he was drawing false equivalencies. 'Being' with someone else is not the same as 'married' to someone else. It sounds like he is trying to minimize his actions, not take responsibility for his choices.

 

He's never minimised his actions. He's alwyys taken full responsibility. What has happened (again as far as I know) is to always blame me for everything. And no matter how much he says he was the real homewrecker all blame goes back to me.

 

So maybe that's what happened I honestly can't remember. What I do remember is that my bf thought his son would not want to see him again, but actually from that day onwards that relationship has improved.

 

I think all he was trying to say was that she couldn't claim she was all innocent when she slept with her exboyfriend while he was looking after their son.

 

And that she can call someone the scum of the earth when she's made questionable decisions throughout her life. The bottom line was that we all make mistakes. I think that was the message he was trying to send.

[niteandfog]

I don't know, human emotions are hard to predict. Just today my exH (so my daughter's grandma) bad mouthed me and said how much a F**** slut infront of my daughter. Was that cool? Not really. Can I do anything about it? Not really. What does my daughter think? Well she thinks it was normal of her grandma to react that way but that she knows it isn't true.

[pepperbird]

He's never minimised his actions. He's alwyys taken full responsibility. What has happened (again as far as I know) is to always blame me for everything. And no matter how much he says he was the real homewrecker all blame goes back to me.

 

So maybe that's what happened I honestly can't remember. What I do remember is that my bf thought his son would not want to see him again, but actually from that day onwards that relationship has improved.

 

I think all he was trying to say was that she couldn't claim she was all innocent when she slept with her exboyfriend while he was looking after their son.

 

And that she can call someone the scum of the earth when she's made questionable decisions throughout her life. The bottom line was that we all make mistakes. I think that was the message he was trying to send.

 

 

Do you not see how messed up it is that he did this, and that you think is was a good decision is just as odd.

 

You really think it's appropriate for a father to tell his ten year old son had been with a married man when she was 16, o that somehow makes his cheating on his mom okay?

 

 

 

btw...and affair is not a "mistake". Leaving the house without brushing your teeth- mistake. Bumping a car in a parking lot when opening a car door- mistake, an affair is not even in the same planet as a "mistake".

[pepperbird]

I don't know, human emotions are hard to predict. Just today my exH (so my daughter's grandma) bad mouthed me and said how much a F**** slut infront of my daughter. Was that cool? Not really. Can I do anything about it? Not really. What does my daughter think? Well she thinks it was normal of her grandma to react that way but that she knows it isn't true.

 

 

How is what your ex-mother in law said about you germane to the conversation?

 

I find it really strange that you can't understand the damage that your boyfriend may well have caused to his son when he tried to even the score with his wife by "well, I may have had an affair that broke apart your fmaily, but your mother was seeing a married guy when she was 16".

 

He's trying to draw attention and blame away from himself by bringing up a completely irrelevant point. That's the same damned thing my kids used to do when they were little. They've grown out of that habit.

 

 

 

Even if his ex-wife cheated on him when their son was small, again, it's not relevant.Your boyfriend knew about it and chose to stay with her anyway. That means he can't use it as an excuse to cover his own @ss now.

[niteandfog]

Do you not see how messed up it is that he did this, and that you think is was a good decision is just as odd.

 

You really think it's appropriate for a father to tell his ten year old son had been with a married man when she was 16, o that somehow makes his cheating on his mom okay?

 

 

 

btw...and affair is not a "mistake". Leaving the house without brushing your teeth- mistake. Bumping a car in a parking lot when opening a car door- mistake, an affair is not even in the same planet as a "mistake".

 

I don't think he was trying to say it was ok to cheat. In fact I'm not sure he said anything about that affair when she was 16. I definitely remember he said they met when they were with somebody else. Because I remember the boy's reaction.

 

He's never said it was ok, or normal or the right thing to do. Nobody has ever said that. (Which no matter howuch I type people seem to say we excuse our actions which we don't).

 

Again I think it's all in the context of "these kids are never going to do anything with her as she's evil". Possibly as I can't remember what was the reason for that fight in particular.

 

What matters is that day something changed something made sense in this boy's head as he became more open and from that point onwards saw his dad under a new light.

 

Also that was the last significant fight between them.

[niteandfog]

But he was not trying to excuse himself. I've never said that and he never has. All he was trying was for his exW to stop demonizing me as at least he was equally to blame (if not more because he's the one that did the chasing).

 

It has been to such an extent that even my exH had a word with the people who publicly shamed me as he can't get why all blame falls down on me.

[Starswillshine]

A side note in this sad tale, can we stop calling the BS's supposed "affair" with a MM at age 16 an affair? Maybe laws are different, but here that would be statutory rape. A 16 year old doesnt have a full grasp of adult, family, marriage, etc.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I can't see in anyway that this relationship can be viewed as a healthy one. Relationships are hard enough under the best circumstances. This one is riddled with collateral damage and a truckload of toxic baggage.

[niteandfog]

I actually think I'm done here. I can't get a grain of empathy whatsoever. All I get is that someone is the victim and I'm the victimizer. All I. Trying is to do my best for my new family whichever form that takes.

 

Navigating through all of this hasn't been easy at all. Especially when you've been alienated by the only friend u had. I have nobody to talk to in real life. I've only got my therapist (online) and my mom. So this is supposed to be another window but I get nothing out of it. Just people who don't seem to grasp what I'm trying to say.

.I wish the BS a happy life. I wish the same to my exH.

 

And I hope for a happy future in this new chapter of my life.

[BTDT2012]

I actually think I'm done here. I can't get a grain of empathy whatsoever. All I get is that someone is the victim and I'm the victimizer. All I. Trying is to do my best for my new family whichever form that takes.

 

Navigating through all of this hasn't been easy at all. Especially when you've been alienated by the only friend u had. I have nobody to talk to in real life. I've only got my therapist (online) and my mom. So this is supposed to be another window but I get nothing out of it. Just people who don't seem to grasp what I'm trying to say.

.I wish the BS a happy life. I wish the same to my exH.

 

And I hope for a happy future in this new chapter of my life.

I too hope you have a happy future. And I am sorry that you don't have any IRL friends to talk to.

[BurnedAndLost]

I actually think I'm done here. I can't get a grain of empathy whatsoever. All I get is that someone is the victim and I'm the victimizer. All I. Trying is to do my best for my new family whichever form that takes.

 

Navigating through all of this hasn't been easy at all. Especially when you've been alienated by the only friend u had. I have nobody to talk to in real life. I've only got my therapist (online) and my mom. So this is supposed to be another window but I get nothing out of it. Just people who don't seem to grasp what I'm trying to say.

.I wish the BS a happy life. I wish the same to my exH.

 

And I hope for a happy future in this new chapter of my life.

You have done nothing but make excuses for the behavior of you and your man. You don't want to hear what people have to say unless they are cheerleading your former affair and your behavior. So yes, perhaps it's best you stop posting. And to be honest I never got the impression you were here for genuine advice after the affair ended.

 

Good luck.

[SouthernIslander]

The girls I'm sure don't really understand what happened. But the boy does. It is hard to know what's him talking and what's his mom speaking through him. But as things were originally he saw it like his dad preferred to be with another woman than with his family. He felt betrayed by his own father (or that's what everybody thinks).

 

Everything changed when he heard from his dad (Infront of his mom) of how she had an affair with a MM when she was 16 and how his parents met while being with somebody else. To which he asked "why do you keep making the same mistakes?"

 

Supposedly his mom showed him photos of me telling him I was the woman who wrecked his life. But I actually doubt everything and maybe that didn't even happen.

 

He's not scared of me, I think I would be able to tell.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?

 

So he is teaching his son it’s okay to screw around when he is married? None of this is kid friendly at all.

 

That is a shame that a child is asking him why does he keep making the same mistakes.

[BaileyB]

I think all he was trying to say was that she couldn't claim she was all innocent when she slept with her exboyfriend while he was looking after their son.

 

And that she can call someone the scum of the earth when she's made questionable decisions throughout her life. The bottom line was that we all make mistakes.

 

 

Not appropriate to do to a 10 year old child.

 

She is the child’s mother. He should know her and love her as a child loves a mother.

 

Your boyfriend threw the mother of his children under the bus, in order to justify his own behavior and make himself look better. What other purpose does it serve to tell your child that their mother is “not as innocent as she may want you to believe.”

 

This is manipulation at its best, and it needs to stop. Adults deal with adult problems. Children need to feel safe and secure, able to love and respect both parents.

[Starswillshine]

You have done nothing but make excuses for the behavior of you and your man. You don't want to hear what people have to say unless they are cheerleading your former affair and your behavior. So yes, perhaps it's best you stop posting. And to be honest I never got the impression you were here for genuine advice after the affair ended.

 

Good luck.

 

It felt more like gloating.

[BurnedAndLost]

It felt more like gloating.

 

It did feel like gloating some of the time. Especially with her little smileys she puts at the ends of her posts.