Maybe never having children

[BluBell]

I am single and in my mid-30s. I would love to be a mother but as the years fly by it feels more and more like something that just isn't in the cards for me. I don't want to be a single mom; I wouldn't ever feel right about that decision unless I earned triple my current salary to provide the kind of life I'd want for my children.

 

One of my friends who is a few years younger than me went to a fertility clinic to start the process of freezing her eggs. She found out that she really doesn't have enough eggs to freeze for a viable pregnancy, and the doctor gave her two options- get pregnant now, or probably never.

 

I told her she was brave for even making that step, because I'm literally too afraid to find out what my reality is. I've never been afraid of anything in my life until now.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do, or what my future holds, but I'm trying to learn how to accept it. The holidays- all holidays, not just Christmas- are pretty much unbearable at this point. The pain that used to hurt a little bit is now crippling. It is worse when I listen to my friends who have children, who were effortlessly able to plan out their lives and check off all those accomplishments like boxes on a list- complain night and day about raising their own children.

 

One of my coworkers complained that she would never get a minivan because she wasn't ready to "look like a mom". She has four children. I just wish people would be more considerate when they gripe about things in their life that should be blessings. I know that children are a lot of work- I'm around kids all the time. I know that parents have bad days. But it just really hurts when they complain about being parents. Also, these people have tons of help and support from grandparents. They basically only watch their kids on weekends and grandma and grandpa will cart the kids to and from daycare or school, and are happy to babysit whenever mom and dad ask for a date night.

 

It always looks like a beautiful life to me, and I can't understand why they complain so much. The complaining only happens in private, in social media of course, they show the world that they are the greatest parents of all time with the fancy photo shoots and birthday parties.

 

I wonder if I'd had my "perfect happy ending" by now I'd be just like them, living day to day in a life I constantly complained about? Or would I be happy, since at the moment there's nothing in the world I want more?

 

And then my other issue is that the only single men in my area are all divorced and don't want children. Pretty much all of them. Which makes me think that if having children were so great, wouldn't they want to have more with a new partner? Did I seriously pass the entire point in my life where having this life for myself was possible?

 

My message to men: please stop trying to date women in their 20s and 30s if you don't want to have children. Just stop!

[bathtub-row]

First of all, even when people get help from relatives, kids are never off your mind and the responsibility never stops. Also, if a person doesn’t want to look like a mom doesn’t necessarily mean she’s complaining about being a mom. Maybe she has this image in her head that she doesn’t want to become.

 

I know of a lady who’s absolutely beautiful. Couldn’t find a decent guy to save her life. She traveled and enjoyed her life and figured she’d never find anyone. She met someone about two years ago and had a son at 41. Hey if there aren’t any guys who want kids where you live, maybe you should move. Just a thought. There are plenty of guys out there who want a family.

[BluBell]

It's like when a really skinny woman complains to an actually overweight woman about thinking she's fat. You just don't do that. It's painful.

 

I know not everyone was born with as much empathy as we need in life, but at some point it's helpful to learn. And I suppose to be fair, it's not like anyone in my life, except for about one or two close friends, knows how much comments like that hurt me. It's not like I can cry to coworkers that I wish I had children. That would be pretty awkward.

 

I get the advice often to be happy with the things I do have, and try not to dwell on it so much because that doesn't help. But it's in my face all. the. time.

Every single day I have at least one conversation with someone that goes like

"do you have kids?"

-no

"Oh. Well, you can always travel/maybe it will happen someday/don't give up yet/you're lucky because my kids drive me crazy/that's shocking because you'd be a great mom/how is that even possible/you must not want children/

 

it's one of those things that people don't even know how to respond to, so every response is like a little stab in the heart.

[preraph]

I just recently heard someone reciting statistics about fatherless children and how much poorer their schoolwork was and how much more likely they are to get in trouble and underachieve. So it is something to think about, even if you have plenty of money. A child benefits from having two good reliable parents and they need role models of both sexes.

[BluBell]

That's another thing that causes me pain- actual physical pain. This is the type of heartbreak I actually feel inside my entire body.

I see unwanted children everywhere, everyday. People who have children without thought or planning and then are not at all prepared to raise them. And I feel hurt because the children suffer, I feel hurt because I have no idea why there are so many good people who want children but don't have them...and then I realize my destiny is probably to become an adopted parent or foster, and am trying to mentally prepare myself for that reality. And at the same time let go/mourn my own hope of having my own child, being pregnant and experiencing what is the most human and fundamental life experience for women.

 

It's interesting how the desire to be a mother builds and grows. I remember a time when I had absolutely no interest in being a mom. My friends and I would celebrate Un-Mother's Day with brunch and mimosas. Now all of them have children, of course. And I remember the first time I saw a truly adorable happy family at a baseball game. The parents were young-ish and still in love, and seemed so extremely happy to be parents. And then one by one I've watched everyone around me have a child, have a second child, some of them are having their third. Over time the feeling began as- that's something I want in life- to this overwhelming, consuming, extreme feeling that it's so difficult to ignore.

 

And I try my best to keep it to myself, especially in terms of dating, because as we all know, the biggest turnoff for men is appearing to be a "baby crazy" woman. If men had any idea remotely of what this felt like they would understand. We're not crazy, this is part of my biological makeup. You start to feel un-whole and uncomplete as a person. It feels like someone has chopped off a part of my body and is holding it hostage somewhere.

[bathtub-row]

I say forget the statistics and have kids if it means that much to you. Personally, I could’ve gone my whole life not having them and would’ve been fine. You’re not like that. Either make a concerted effort to meet new men, or have kids on your own. Teachers told me all the time, consistently every year, that they had no idea my son was from a divorced family. Things don’t have to be a certain way just be able others can’t make it work. Give yourself a timeline as to when you’ll stop waiting for a guy. Then have them yourself. It’s a plan.

 

And btw, nothing is perfect. So, I say do what your heart yearns for. Not having kids when you really want them is a very serious dream to give up on just because circumstances aren’t ideal. Perhaps in the meantime, go to college, get a degree for a high paying job, etc. Make plans to make it happen.

[BluBell]

I have a masters' degree and will likely be paying off student loans for the rest of my life, so going back to school isn't in the cards for me. I'll work on getting that high-paying job, though. Thanks.

[Happy Lemming]

I was debating if I should write this post or not... but here goes...

 

My girlfriend really wanted to be a mother when she was younger. She made a mistake and married the wrong guy when she was in her 20's, divorced him and starting looking for Mr. Right.

 

At some point (in her thirties), she went through early menopause and her dream of being a mother was smashed to bits. Over 20 years has passed and she still cries over this. Every once in a while, she'll see a family with a little girl that looks like her and the tears will flow. She speaks about not being a mother from time to time and I can hear the regret and pain in her voice. Life didn't turn out the way she wanted...

 

There is no true happiness... She is on anti-depressants (which help a little) and sees a therapist (which helps a little) and I try to make her happy (which helps a little), but there is no substitute for the child she didn't have.

 

As guys we want to fix things to help our significant other... I can't fix this.

 

This post wasn't meant to sadden you, but I wanted to share the reality of what happens when a woman (who really wants to be a mother) has that taken away.

[BluBell]

Happy Lemming, thanks for sharing. I appreciate the honesty, and I'm sad for your girlfriend too.

You're a good guy, and a good partner for her.

[bathtub-row]

I know someone who had a child in her early 20's. It wasn't totally welcome because she was young, etc. She divorced her first husband and, in her late 20's, re-married. They tried to have children. It turns out, she developed female problems and had to have a hysterectomy. If she had not had her child in her 20's, she would've never had any. Something to think about.

 

I'm sure you'll be fine but, again, I say that giving up on this dream of yours is far too big to give up for the reasons stated. If you already have a masters, there's no reason on Earth not to get a really good paying job. You might even meet a guy at the new job.

 

I hope it all works out for you. Even though I wasn't big on having kids, there's nothing that could replace my son. I'm just crazy about him and there's nothing like that bond with someone who's your flesh-and-blood. Please don't give up your dream.

[Cupid's Puppet]

 

Did I seriously pass the entire point in my life where having this life for myself was possible?

 

My message to men: please stop trying to date women in their 20s and 30s if you don't want to have children. Just stop!

 

This post spoke to me. I think if it is weighing on you heavily then you must overcome your fear and go to a fertility clinic and understand what your options are. Don't leave it to "destiny." Now one way that I have accepted my childlessness is by recognizing I am not alone. It helps me not feel like a freak.

 

I like to think of family, friends, and even celebrities who are in the same position and somehow still maintain happiness. They show me that I CAN be happy regardless of what happens.

 

I figure out other ways to fill the void. I became sort of a big sister to a little girl that was failing her classes. This little girl looked up to me so much; her mom would always tell me how her daughter just loved me. I am so happy that today she is excelling in her classes against all odds. It feels good to make a difference in someone's life.

 

Also start thinking of things you can say in moments when people question your childlessness. I usually get the statement, "But you too pretty not to have kids." My great-aunt once told me to work on it because I don't have too much time left. Ouch! I used to ignore these remarks, but now I am honest about what I am going through when people make those remarks. I don't let them slide. I tell them if they want to see me married with kids, then help me out. If they know a nice guy, then tell him about me! Once they figure out they can't help me, it helps them figure out why I can't help me

[JuneL]

Do you think she’s emotionally stable enough to be a parent, if she can be so dramatic?

 

Some people’s picture of having kids seems to be baking cookies or playing games. I hope they are also prepared to be there for life if their kids are born with a serious physical or mental condition. Having kids is extremely serious business; it’s not something to fulfill your own needs.

 

I was debating if I should write this post or not... but here goes...

 

My girlfriend really wanted to be a mother when she was younger. She made a mistake and married the wrong guy when she was in her 20's, divorced him and starting looking for Mr. Right.

 

At some point (in her thirties), she went through early menopause and her dream of being a mother was smashed to bits. Over 20 years has passed and she still cries over this. Every once in a while, she'll see a family with a little girl that looks like her and the tears will flow. She speaks about not being a mother from time to time and I can hear the regret and pain in her voice. Life didn't turn out the way she wanted...

 

There is no true happiness... She is on anti-depressants (which help a little) and sees a therapist (which helps a little) and I try to make her happy (which helps a little), but there is no substitute for the child she didn't have.

 

As guys we want to fix things to help our significant other... I can't fix this.

 

This post wasn't meant to sadden you, but I wanted to share the reality of what happens when a woman (who really wants to be a mother) has that taken away.

[Happy Lemming]

Do you think she’s emotionally stable enough to be a parent, if she can be so dramatic?

 

Some people’s picture of having kids seems to be baking cookies or playing games. I hope they are also prepared to be there for life if their kids are born with a serious physical or mental condition. Having kids is extremely serious business; it’s not something to fulfill your own needs.

 

I didn't know her back then, so I have no idea if she would have been a good mother or not. I can only assume that she was stable, back then. She has mentioned on more than one occasion, when the doctor told her about the early menopause, it changed her life. It really seemed to mark a turning point for her, a fork in the road, if you will.

 

Either way that ship has sailed and its now past history for my gf.

 

I just wanted the OP to know that delays can be very costly. As other posters have pointed out, I think it prudent OP educates herself about her options and makes a decision, that is best for her.

[d0nnivain]

People are safely having children later in life. All is not hopeless if you are in your 20s.

 

 

You have this goal for yourself that you would like to marry & have kids. What are you doing to achieve that goal?

 

 

You say all of the men in your area don't want kids. That is an exaggeration. You don't actually know ALL of the men in your area. The ones you are meeting might not want kids but that means you have to change where you are looking.

 

 

1. Are you on any dating sites & did you select marriage as your goal? Are you only dating the men who also checked that box? If not, start. Eliminate the time wasters. I am no fan of OLD so I'm all about being super picky in that medium.

 

 

2. Have you told all of your friends, family & colleagues that you want to get married & have kids? Have you asked all of them if they know people?

 

 

3. Do you got out to singles events, MeetUps & the like at least once per week to expand your social circle?

 

 

4. It's Sunday. Are you home alone? If so throw on a pair of cute jeans & head down to the local sports bar to find dozens of men rooting for their favorite team. If you can manage to keep up your end of a sports convo, you will have them eating out of your hands. I'm a college football fan myself but the principle remains the same. Even when I'm out with my husband to watch a game (he doesn't care about sports) other men tell him how envious they are of him because he's usually with a group of my girl friends who get together to watch.

 

 

If marriage & kids are you goals get out there.

[BluBell]

People are safely having children later in life. All is not hopeless if you are in your 20s.

 

 

You have this goal for yourself that you would like to marry & have kids. What are you doing to achieve that goal?

 

 

You say all of the men in your area don't want kids. That is an exaggeration. You don't actually know ALL of the men in your area. The ones you are meeting might not want kids but that means you have to change where you are looking.

 

 

1. Are you on any dating sites & did you select marriage as your goal? Are you only dating the men who also checked that box? If not, start. Eliminate the time wasters. I am no fan of OLD so I'm all about being super picky in that medium.

 

 

2. Have you told all of your friends, family & colleagues that you want to get married & have kids? Have you asked all of them if they know people?

 

 

3. Do you got out to singles events, MeetUps & the like at least once per week to expand your social circle?

 

 

4. It's Sunday. Are you home alone? If so throw on a pair of cute jeans & head down to the local sports bar to find dozens of men rooting for their favorite team. If you can manage to keep up your end of a sports convo, you will have them eating out of your hands. I'm a college football fan myself but the principle remains the same. Even when I'm out with my husband to watch a game (he doesn't care about sports) other men tell him how envious they are of him because he's usually with a group of my girl friends who get together to watch.

 

 

If marriage & kids are you goals get out there.

 

Hi, thanks for the advice.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1. Yes. I've been on all the dating sites. I've been more or less single for over a decade. I didn't try at all to even have a relationship in my 20s and always figured I'd find one easily when I finally settled down and was ready for one. I was wrong.

 

My experience with Bumble and Tinder was that men on there just wanted to hook up immediately and I never heard from them again when I didn't sleep with them on the first date. Otherwise I met a lot of rude and creepy guys. Hard to believe there could be something more rude or creepy than asking for sex on the first date, but oh the stories I can share about Bumble and Tinder...

 

I've tried all the other ones- OKCupid, POF, all of these other ones I don't even think are around anymore...

 

I've tried eHarmony and typically don't have the hours and hours available in my schedule to send all of those emails back and forth just to talk to one single guy. They only sent me one potential match every week and I usually was not at all interested.

 

I'm on Match and it's the best bet in terms of quality, and everyone seems to be looking for a relationship of some sort, so that's good. But most of the men I'm meeting are divorced with children and do not want any more children. And lately I'm just getting approached by tons of men who are nearly my dad's age, which is equally depressing.

 

2. Yes. Everyone knows I'm interested in meeting someone. All of my friends, my coworkers, my family members. Last year my best friend (who always tries to set me up with her boyfriend's friends) set me up with her husband's friend and it all ended badly. She and I aren't friends anymore. He was not a nice guy.

 

3. The Meetups where I live are for people who are 20 years older than me. I've been to some. There literally aren't any other singles events around here...when I had more free time I used to play intramural sports and do fun things like that. I was involved with my alumni association for awhile...I could get more involved with volunteering, if I weren't working 60 hours/week at the moment.

After awhile you give up on those type of events or clubs too, because they end up being a waste of time when you never meet anyone.

 

4. Nope, never home alone on football sunday! Always out somewhere watching my team with friends.

 

Look, I do appreciate the advice. I'm not a clueless hopeless woman. I know that I need to "put myself out there". I really honestly do put myself out there, and I really have made an honest effort. I've probably been on hundreds of first dates. I was careless with my time in my 20s, and then I bet everything on one guy, and he let me down. It is what it is.

 

Why is it though, that everyone I know who is married, didn't try at all to find that relationship? My former best friend met her husband because another mutual friend dated him from match.com, didn't like him, and passed him over to her. True story! My other best friend met her husband from remaining friends with friends she'd made from her last boyfriend. She knew him for years and then one day just decided she wanted to date him and he was right under her nose. My other friend met her husband at work, and she rejected him twice before finally dating him. Out of all my friends though, none of them have tried at all to meet their mate, they just found him.

[d0nnivain]

I had to try to find a relationship. I spent my 20s with a man who I thought was my soul mate. Turned out he didn't "believe" marriage causing me to walk away at 33 to figure stuff out. I fell into another relationship but that didn't work out. So now at 35 I was single really for the 1st time in my life & I had to date. I had no idea how, having been a serial monogamist since college.

 

I did the things I suggested to you but dated with a purpose to find a husband. I wasn't desperate to get married but I knew I liked being in a relationship more then being alone. Having given up somebody who would have stayed with me forever if I hadn't pressed for marriage, I also knew I wanted that institution so I set out to find him. It took a while but I found my unicorn when I was 39 -- a never been married, sane, well balanced, handsome 35 year old male with a good work ethic who had no kids. He had a crappy job at the time & hadn't yet graduated college but he was enrolled in school. So I didn't settle.

 

Just keep trying new things, not only OLD, finding the time to get involved & you will find somebody. I met DH at a business card exchange.

 

Another thing, a few weeks ago I got off work early & went food shopping around 4 p.m. on a weekday. I hadn't been in a food store at that time of day . . ever. I was shocked. I'd say at least 25% of the customers were single men (no wedding ring, no tan line, only buying food for 1). Most appeared to be contractors so they were employed. All seemed friendly enough -- returning a smile when I made eye contact. So if you can manage to sneak out of work one weekday early . . . you never know.

 

I find it hard to believe you can't meet anybody when you are out rooting for your team. A woman in a sports bar who can hold her on in any conversation about the team is usually highly sought after.

[minimariah2]

...I say that giving up on this dream of yours is far too big to give up for the reasons stated.

 

i disagree - having children is one of those dreams that you should most definitely give up on, if you don't have the BASICS... at the very least.

 

sure, there is no perfect moment... but bringing a child into this world and depriving him from the BASICS right at the beginning is something that usually just... doesn't work out. ironically - i do know women who were in the OP's shoes and made their dream come true, usually through a one night stand OR sperm bank. they will be the first to brag about "how it can be done" - the pathology present in their parenting shows that it really can't be done, after all.

 

having children just isn't one of those dreams where you can scream "GO FOR IT!!!" idealistically. a parent cannot afford to be idealistic.

 

also - the OP is in her mid 30s. as someone who works with infertility, i can tell you that the number of women who naturally fall pregnant at 35+ is LOW & popping out babies at 40something will not happen for most women. sure, we all know that ONE WOMAN who got pregnant at the age 40something... it's an exception to the rule. for most womem, it won't happen without IVF & the success rates for IVF are devastatingly low.

 

i feel like the society has convinced women that they can wait because it's "easy" to fall pregnant at 35+... we constantly hear about these celebrities who give birth in their late 30s or early 40s..., everyone relies on that one woman they know or that they've heard about.. the reality is MUCH different and medically... nothing has changed for women. so for the OP, it actually might not happen due to her AGE, not circumstances. she will have trouble concieving, so that is also something to think about.

Edited September 11, 2018 by minimariah2

[Cupid's Puppet]

Nope sorry I have to jump right back in here. There are no guarantees in life. The OP can find a man, marry him, get pregnant, and he still can abandon her and the kids. How many of those "I'm going to the store to get a pack of cigarettes" stories have we heard with the husband never coming back? On the flipside, many men step up to the plate and father kids who aren't theirs. So she can get pregnant and find someone later who will help with parenting.

 

OP my message is just to go for it, but at the same time, learn to find peace with the possibility that it may not happen. Think of the possibility of becoming a great stepmother to someone's child like Gabrielle Union or consider volunteering with kids...which is really cool because you can hand them back to the parents when you're done and avoid all the harder work

 

Chalk it up to the culture we live in that is rapidly discouraging men from marrying. We are no longer in the times when a man had sex with a woman and made her his bride. It's just the times we are in, and there is nothing wrong with you and you are not cursed just because your friends somehow checked everything off the becoming an adult list with "ease." There's a lot more living we have to do. Let's see where everyone is in 40 years before we give out these medals for doing the marriage and kids thing and living happily ever after.

[BluBell]

I appreciate the support, everyone. I really do. It's helpful just to have a place to get all the difficult feelings out. My last therapist thought I had a victim mentality. She said that I shouldn't pressure myself to give my children a certain quality/standard of life and just adopt because I'm definitely able to give an unwanted child a better life than most who end up fostering them.

 

My situation is also complicated by the fact that I more or less am responsible for taking care of both of my parents. That's another long story in itself, but they take up a lot of my time and energy. And there's no one else really to step in and let me live my life...usually people start caring for their parents when they're much older than I and already settled and have a partner to help, but that didn't happen for me.

[Happy Lemming]

My situation is also complicated by the fact that I more or less am responsible for taking care of both of my parents.

 

Do you think your parents would want you to give up your dream of being a mother to take care of them??

[BluBell]

No, they wouldn't want me to give up anything for their sake. But they both worked really hard to give me a better life than what they had. And now they need me. They also never planned or wanted to be in the situation they're currently in...so everyone is trying to make the best of it. That's what families do.

 

I just mention this because, it is a factor in my situation. I'm not exactly a completely carefree individual who just is unlucky in love. When I do date people, how do I even mention having family baggage? I know I need to be honest about what's going on in my life. But also I know that the minute I'm honest, 99% of men will want absolutely nothing to do with me.

[Happy Lemming]

But they both worked really hard to give me a better life than what they had.

 

And does part of that life include having the freedom and time to follow your dream to become a mother??

 

I'd think they'd want you to be happy, even if it meant they would have some difficulties.

[BluBell]

Sure, they both definitely want me to be a mother. They're both heartbroken about not being grandparents. One more thing for me to feel guilty about..

 

But also when I see my peers relying so much on their parents to help raise their children, and I know that I wouldn't have that type of support system. It makes me feel more like it's not meant to work out for me.

 

My friend I mentioned in my first post, she's banking on moving closer to home to be near her mom, so that her mom can help her babysit. I can't afford childcare, therefore I can't afford children. I know that single mothers make it work every day and beat the odds- or try to- but it's not an easy life on anyone involved.

 

I know that the majority of people who are parents don't think or plan out how they will afford children...but I think without a partner or support system, I can't be that careless. Especially when I'm stuck helping my parents financially and have tons of student loan debt.

 

The truth is, it's not even about what I want, it's about what I can make possible.

[JuneL]

Which is it? All the guys you’ve dated are divorced and didn’t want to have more kids? 99% of the guys you’ve dated wanted absolutely nothing to do with you once they learned that you have to take care of both of your parents? Or the guys were turned off by your large student loan?

 

No, they wouldn't want me to give up anything for their sake. But they both worked really hard to give me a better life than what they had. And now they need me. They also never planned or wanted to be in the situation they're currently in...so everyone is trying to make the best of it. That's what families do.

 

I just mention this because, it is a factor in my situation. I'm not exactly a completely carefree individual who just is unlucky in love. When I do date people, how do I even mention having family baggage? I know I need to be honest about what's going on in my life. But also I know that the minute I'm honest, 99% of men will want absolutely nothing to do with me.

[BluBell]

Which is it? All the guys you’ve dated are divorced and didn’t want to have more kids? 99% of the guys you’ve dated wanted absolutely nothing to do with you once they learned that you have to take care of both of your parents? Or the guys were turned off by your large student loan?

 

All of the above, plus a few other things?