How to cope... The clichés don't work!

[Logo]

The first three to four weeks are emotionally draining.

 

Try to explore doing something new and force yourself to do it. Put together a daily schedule, a routine, that'll give structure. Fill every minute with something to do. That routine will give you comfort.

 

 

Give yourself time to heal. Understand that it's a process, so be patient with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Things will get better. Tell yourself that. Convince yourself that.

 

And take pride in the little things you accomplish. It will make you feel better.

Edited September 19, 2018 by Logo

[riverdeep33]

The first three to four weeks are emotionally draining.

 

Try to explore doing something new and force yourself to do it. Put together a daily schedule, a routine, that'll give structure. Fill every minute with something to do. That routine will give you comfort.

 

 

Give yourself time to heal. Understand that it's a process, so be patient with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Things will get better. Tell yourself that. Convince yourself that.

 

And take pride in the little things you accomplish. It will make you feel better.

 

Thanks. I am REALLY struggling still and I accept it will take time. I just love him so so much and I keep hoping he will message, contact etc. It’s clear he won’t - I know that but I just feel there’s a huge loss in my life. My best friend is gone and I’m really feeling it.

 

It’s all just so very very sad and a day is yet to pass where I don’t cry and yearn for him to return. I really want to just drop him an email or text and just reopen communications but I don’t know if that’s wise - I mean he isn’t contacting me. But then I think - what if he is thinking the exact same thing and we never get back together because I was being too rational.

I have a lot of regrets and a lot of self hate over it all and very much in self destruct mode. I’m just hoping one day I won’t be.

Edited September 19, 2018 by riverdeep33

[riverdeep33]

It's been a long time of no contact. It's been 6 months from the point when we split up. 6 months of pain, torment and absolute destruction. Counselling is helping and I now know definitively that my ex is gone forever. In contact a a while ago, he said exactly that and that is his happy without me.

 

I am accessing counselling and it is proving to be useful in getting me through the pain. People tell me time is a healer, and I really hope it is. The only thing that gets me out of bed on a morning is the thought that I did all I could to get him back; it wasn't enough, but I could do nothing more.

 

And now, I at least accept I must build a life without him and this is where my challenge begins.

 

The idea of him having fun, enjoying himself and building a life without me is a struggle for me to comprehend. Especially when I feel so sad, tormented and depressed inside with his absence. When you realise you love someone so deeply; from your very core; and that fire has been extinguished; it rips you in two!

 

I know it is me and my thoughts putting myself in chains to stop myself living, he isn't. I just no longer know what I want from life, no longer see a future; it is a crushing loneliness.

 

I am also filled with a gut-wrenching shame and regret of my actions; I am a bad person for hurting him like I have.

 

I need to know how I can find a fire for life again; to love myself, to be okay with my own company.

 

The positive is I don't want to die (so I won't be doing anything stupid!), but I also don't want to live like this either.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's good to hear from you again, OP.

 

The healing process isn't easy. It's full of starts and stops, and emotional roller-coasters. I think most of us here can have experienced that one point or another and can identify with you.

 

One thing that I think might be hindering your progress is how you perceive time and how quickly you seem to think you should be feeling better. What I mean is that you say you've been no contact for a long time, when really, it hasn't been too long in the grand scheme of things. I understand it feels very long, to be clear, and it seems endless. But I think trying to keep some perspective there would be helpful. Allow yourself to acknowledge that the final goodbye is still pretty fresh, and that what you are feeling now is quite normal by comparison. I understand you just want the pain to go away, but I also believe you need to be more patient with yourself. You won't feel markedly better today, or tomorrow, or even next week. But it will slowly happen.

 

You need to trust the process, and believe that while it's hard as hell now, it won't always be like this.

[riverdeep33]

It's good to hear from you again, OP.

 

The healing process isn't easy. It's full of starts and stops, and emotional roller-coasters. I think most of us here can have experienced that one point or another and can identify with you.

 

One thing that I think might be hindering your progress is how you perceive time and how quickly you seem to think you should be feeling better. What I mean is that you say you've been no contact for a long time, when really, it hasn't been too long in the grand scheme of things. I understand it feels very long, to be clear, and it seems endless. But I think trying to keep some perspective there would be helpful. Allow yourself to acknowledge that the final goodbye is still pretty fresh, and that what you are feeling now is quite normal by comparison. I understand you just want the pain to go away, but I also believe you need to be more patient with yourself. You won't feel markedly better today, or tomorrow, or even next week. But it will slowly happen.

 

You need to trust the process, and believe that while it's hard as hell now, it won't always be like this.

 

Thanks ExPat. It is all a very sad situation and I would still do absolutely anything to get him back BUT at least I now KNOW I can't. There's an honesty in myself accepting my shame and my actions and the regrets will live me forever.

 

I am trying to give it time and I think you are right; time is all I have to try now. I have to let myself cry, be upset, be sad. It just gets me more down when I realise he isn't going through the same (why would he be! but I accept he may feel sad to a degree). Right now, I am still randomly calling out his name, or saying things out loud, or filling my diary with "for the love of god come back" comments.

 

Whilst I accept time is the answer (or I hope it is), I am dreading Christmas and New Year without him. That will be a challenge.

 

It's when you've lost your perceived "the one;" you realise your life won't be the same again.

 

Logically thinking, I have to accept - if they don't love me back, he will never be "the one" and someone has to love me for who I am; warts and all. He is no innocent person in this journey either and I need to realise that too.

 

Life!

[M1128Y]

Thanks ExPat. It is all a very sad situation and I would still do absolutely anything to get him back BUT at least I now KNOW I can't. There's an honesty in myself accepting my shame and my actions and the regrets will live me forever.

 

I am trying to give it time and I think you are right; time is all I have to try now. I have to let myself cry, be upset, be sad. It just gets me more down when I realise he isn't going through the same (why would he be! but I accept he may feel sad to a degree). Right now, I am still randomly calling out his name, or saying things out loud, or filling my diary with "for the love of god come back" comments.

 

Whilst I accept time is the answer (or I hope it is), I am dreading Christmas and New Year without him. That will be a challenge.

 

It's when you've lost your perceived "the one;" you realise your life won't be the same again.

 

Logically thinking, I have to accept - if they don't love me back, he will never be "the one" and someone has to love me for who I am; warts and all. He is no innocent person in this journey either and I need to realise that too.

 

Life!

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. You do seem to be getting better though, slowly moving into the right direction.

 

If it's any help, I'm going through what you're going through. My ex broke up with me after 3 1/2 years (we lived together for 3 of those years) and towards the end of the relationship, she started something with a guy at her work and they're now together. The breakup happened 2-3 months ago and I haven't talked to my ex for almost 6 weeks.

 

So, I know what you're going through. It's incredibly painful. But I think we'll get through it. We just need time. I just want you to know that you're not alone in your pain.

[riverdeep33]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You do seem to be getting better though, slowly moving into the right direction.

 

If it's any help, I'm going through what you're going through. My ex broke up with me after 3 1/2 years (we lived together for 3 of those years) and towards the end of the relationship, she started something with a guy at her work and they're now together. The breakup happened 2-3 months ago and I haven't talked to my ex for almost 6 weeks.

 

So, I know what you're going through. It's incredibly painful. But I think we'll get through it. We just need time. I just want you to know that you're not alone in your pain.

 

 

Totally feel your pain and I am sorry for your breakup. That must be terrible for you and I can imagine the turmoil you must be going through. People on here are a great support, and they are right when they say time is a healer - well to a degree. I think you grow to accept it and understand the situation. I don't think I will ever be healed - I genuinely lost the love of my life [so far]

 

I am still fraught with grief and desperately lonely but all I can do is take a day at a time and hope that there is a bigger plan. I am sure you will be the same.

 

I am nowhere near there and I go from being okay to being distraught.

[riverdeep33]

Just when I thought I was getting there; feeling better, I am now back to despair. I feel so lost again. I want him in my life so much. Perhaps it is the realisation that he isn't coming back; or he doesn't need me is the issue.

 

Every day I was with him; even in the end, I used to get butterflies; feelings of joy, happiness and perfection. I am ashamed of what I have done, I accept this is a consequence of my choices and I also accept that I did all I could to fix it - but a life without him is killing me. Truth be told, I am not sure I can keep going.

 

A few days ago he accidentally video called me. I messaged back when I noticed the missed call (stupidly I know) and asked if he was okay. He commented that he was looking at my photo and accidentally pressed it and I am "looking good." I've tried not to read into it, bit it did send me spiralling back. I was so controlled and said "thanks and take care." That was a difficult thing to do.

 

How do I get through this pain. I cannot get beyond how he was the man of my dreams and I have lost him. I know in the end he wasn't good to me (quite rightly).

 

I just cannot handle the rejection. He knew everything about me - all my quirks, good and bad - everything, and I wasn't good enough. It's making me feel worthless, alone, afraid.

 

I know it's early, but I have even looked around dating apps - just to put myself out there - rejection left, right and centre. Absolutely nobody even says hi (or responds).

 

This has to stop! Somehow!

[Zahara]

You can keep going. The pain is immense. I remember it and it's not an easy journey. But you will get through it and as painful as it feels now, it won't always be this way. You just have to embrace your grief and push through. Heartbreak is awful. It's the pits. Just thinking about the many times I was on the floor in pieces is giving me the shivers. But you'll slowly move on from this and you will be optimistic about life and the future one day. But it is going to take time to get there.

 

Stay away from dating sites. You're not emotionally or mentally strong enough to deal with OLD. It's quite riddled with dysfunctional people and if you're walking in vulnerable, you're going to make bad choices for yourself. Plus, the rejection only adds negativity to your already fragile sense of self.

 

Learn to heal and self-soothe. Trying to seek men on a dating site to fill that void isn't going to benefit you but rather cause more issues for you. You need to learn how to manage this on your own rather than finding a crutch to mask your pain. Remove your profiles and focus inward.

[OpenBook]

A few days ago he accidentally video called me. I messaged back when I noticed the missed call (stupidly I know) and asked if he was okay. He commented that he was looking at my photo and accidentally pressed it and I am "looking good." I've tried not to read into it, bit it did send me spiralling back. I was so controlled and said "thanks and take care." That was a difficult thing to do.

 

Dang, where did that come from? Where did you find the strength to do that? I've NEVER been able to do that - not when I was at the point where you are right now. You handled it SO GRACEFULLY, while you were in the middle of such intense pain. That is so awe-inspiring! You have my admiration. Keep going, girl! You are on the right path. You WILL get beyond this. Everything WILL get better. Just keep moving.

[riverdeep33]

I am not so sure I will ever be optimistic. It took me years to find him - 5 years in fact. The thought of going back through that journey kills me.

 

The rejection by him is something I am really struggling with - I am gutted I can't be what he needs.

 

Self soothing is a struggle - I simply don't want to be here without him and its tearing me apart and I am utterly consumed by it - constantly.

 

I know there isn't anything anyone can say or do to help me; it is a lonely world now and I hate it. I am filled with pure regret.

[riverdeep33]

Dang, where did that come from? Where did you find the strength to do that? I've NEVER been able to do that - not when I was at the point where you are right now. You handled it SO GRACEFULLY, while you were in the middle of such intense pain. That is so awe-inspiring! You have my admiration. Keep going, girl! You are on the right path. You WILL get beyond this. Everything WILL get better. Just keep moving.

 

Believe me I wanted to enter a big conversation with him but I remembered that two weeks ago he told me we will never be together again. I'd give up my job, house, car, family - everything, if it meant I could be with him; but I am utterly powerless. I just see nothing without him - but he clearly is living a great life now without me!

[OpenBook]

Believe me I wanted to enter a big conversation with him but I remembered that two weeks ago he told me we will never be together again. I'd give up my job, house, car, family - everything, if it meant I could be with him; but I am utterly powerless. I just see nothing without him - but he clearly is living a great life now without me!

 

You don't know that. And you are NOT powerless. These are illusions, distorting reality. You are under extreme emotional distress right now, so it is impossible for you to see things clearly. It's easy for these incorrect and poisonous thoughts to expand and overpower you in such a state - and they certainly will if you let them. You must not let them!

 

It's also easy to give all your power over to him, in your mind. This is another illusion. Don't succumb to it! He hasn't taken ANYTHING away from you that you didn't already have. You are the same fabulous girl you've been for the last 5 years - and before - and will be in the future. And fabulosity tends to attract fabulous hunk-o-ramas! You are going to be all right. Just keep going.

[riverdeep33]

You don't know that. And you are NOT powerless. These are illusions, distorting reality. You are under extreme emotional distress right now, so it is impossible for you to see things clearly. It's easy for these incorrect and poisonous thoughts to expand and overpower you in such a state - and they certainly will if you let them. You must not let them!

 

It's also easy to give all your power over to him, in your mind. This is another illusion. Don't succumb to it! He hasn't taken ANYTHING away from you that you didn't already have. You are the same fabulous girl you've been for the last 5 years - and before - and will be in the future. And fabulosity tends to attract fabulous hunk-o-ramas! You are going to be all right. Just keep going.

 

Thanks. Pre-him, I spent over 5 years of my life like this; he came along and saved me. Now I am alone again and dreading going backwards.

 

I just am struggling so much with the fact he doesn't want me and I just don't want a life without him. I thought I was doing so well, but I have came down crashing as the reality of loneliness and disgust in myself creeps back in.

 

This is not an existence I want. I know I have to focus on me; but I sit and wonder what life he is living without me and I cannot comprehend how he is doing it, when I go to bed and prey not to wake up.

 

To anyone who has gotten through such a thing - please tell me how on earth you do it! I feel like I will be forced to live a life of regret and shame. I simply cannot forgive myself for what I have let go of.

 

In the words of JM...

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take and still somehow

It's love's illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all

[M1128Y]

Thanks. Pre-him, I spent over 5 years of my life like this; he came along and saved me. Now I am alone again and dreading going backwards.

 

I just am struggling so much with the fact he doesn't want me and I just don't want a life without him. I thought I was doing so well, but I have came down crashing as the reality of loneliness and disgust in myself creeps back in.

 

This is not an existence I want. I know I have to focus on me; but I sit and wonder what life he is living without me and I cannot comprehend how he is doing it, when I go to bed and prey not to wake up.

 

To anyone who has gotten through such a thing - please tell me how on earth you do it! I feel like I will be forced to live a life of regret and shame. I simply cannot forgive myself for what I have let go of.

 

In the words of JM...

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take and still somehow

It's love's illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all

 

You will get through this. It just will take time.

 

There are more or less around 2.4 billion adult men on earth. How many do you think would love you and you them?

 

Also, I know this will seem callous and it may hurt, but he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him. You already know that though. You need to fully internalize that fact though. I'm trying to do the same myself and it's extremely difficult; yet, when I look at the evidence: my ex breaking up with me and being with and sleeping with another man, the reality of my situation becomes clear.

 

You also have to realize that love is very much like a drug. It may be helpful for you to think of your ex as something like heroin that needs to be avoided. Eventually, your cravings will become less and less.

[bathtub-row]

I wonder why he was looking at your picture. His excuse sounds a little lame to me. Maybe he's thinking about you and wondering if he made the right choice.

 

You did great with the conversation you had with him. And you're doing great with not contacting him overall. Silence has a very strange effect on people and it's possibly causing him to think. You never know how things will work out.

[darkbloom]

It might be hard now, but I promise it gets better on the other side. Once you’ve healed you will look back on this and grow from it.

 

Your life is never just about one person.

[ABernie]

I wonder why he was looking at your picture. His excuse sounds a little lame to me. Maybe he's thinking about you and wondering if he made the right choice.

 

You did great with the conversation you had with him. And you're doing great with not contacting him overall. Silence has a very strange effect on people and it's possibly causing him to think. You never know how things will work out.

 

That would be my problem. Over analyzing the comment and sending me back to Day 1

[riverdeep33]

Exactly!

 

He accidentally messaged me again today. Something about meeting someone tomorrow after work! Clearly wasn’t for me - send my mind racing as to who it was etc!

 

He said sorry for contacting but it’s ripped me apart again.

 

It’s his birthday. I wished him all the best and deleted the conversation again! If it happens again, I’m going to have to block him. It really has knocked me back.

 

I just feel so worthless and like I shouldn’t exist. He clearly has a new life and he doesn’t care as much for me as I do him; but it doesn’t stop me wanting him. I’m aware of the facts but I just want him despite those things.

 

I’ve no idea how to self soothe. I’m not happy being alone and if I’m honest, I can’t see me getting past Christmas at this rate. I just utterly despise myself.

[M1128Y]

Exactly!

 

He accidentally messaged me again today. Something about meeting someone tomorrow after work! Clearly wasn’t for me - send my mind racing as to who it was etc!

 

He said sorry for contacting but it’s ripped me apart again.

 

It’s his birthday. I wished him all the best and deleted the conversation again! If it happens again, I’m going to have to block him. It really has knocked me back.

 

I just feel so worthless and like I shouldn’t exist. He clearly has a new life and he doesn’t care as much for me as I do him; but it doesn’t stop me wanting him. I’m aware of the facts but I just want him despite those things.

 

I’ve no idea how to self soothe. I’m not happy being alone and if I’m honest, I can’t see me getting past Christmas at this rate. I just utterly despise myself.

 

This guy sounds like a jackass. No offense. He's purposely hurting you. How do you "accidentally" text somebody anyways?

[riverdeep33]

Oh I know. It sucks. A genuine mistake i think. I don’t think it was intentional.

 

Just a total head f**k.

 

I wish there was just a pill or something that I could take to forget him.

[bathtub-row]

This guy sounds like a jackass. No offense. He's purposely hurting you. How do you "accidentally" text somebody anyways?

 

I agree. The text was no accident, nor was the story about looking at her pic. He’s messing with her, trying to elicit a reaction.

 

OP, don’t take the bait. He seems to want you to resurface. I’m not sure why but don’t play that game.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy sounds like a jackass. No offense. He's purposely hurting you. How do you "accidentally" text somebody anyways?

 

I admit I've accidentally texted someone. On a couple occasions.

 

Just last week it happened, in fact. I was in a rush, walking and typing and keeping an eye on the foot traffic around me, opened my contacts, scrolled to the person I wanted to contact but accidentally tapped the wrong name (either above or below the name I was actually after) and fired off a message anyway. I didn't notice until the recipient clued me in that I had selected the wrong contact.

 

I'm not saying that's definitively the case here, but it can and does happen.

[bathtub-row]

I admit I've accidentally texted someone. On a couple occasions.

 

Just last week it happened, in fact. I was in a rush, walking and typing and keeping an eye on the foot traffic around me, opened my contacts, scrolled to the person I wanted to contact but accidentally tapped the wrong name (either above or below the name I was actually after) and fired off a message anyway. I didn't notice until the recipient clued me in that I had selected the wrong contact.

 

I'm not saying that's definitively the case here, but it can and does happen.

 

I’ve done it, too. But if he’s done with the relationship, why is her number still in his phone? Why didn’t he do something to make sure a “mistake” like that didn’t happen again?

[darkmoon]

my own feel-better experience was travelling to somewhere interesting

 

the fresh stimulation made me forget him

 

nowadays, I know he is not the bright young hunk I fell for, but is an old man who I would not really fancy

 

youth hostels are cheap and friendly

 

so I say pack a ruck-sack and head for the sun