How to cope... The clichés don't work!

[riverdeep33]

Oh I don’t think for one minute it was intentional. Not reading into it but I just feel I’m back at day 1 again as a result - which is my issue.

 

I’ve tried going away etc - it kills me. I just end up sitting and crying.

 

I know I’ll always want what I cant have and I should be grateful to have experienced love in such a deep way. I know I won’t again and my situation - so many months later is one filled with pain, hurt and emptiness.

 

The idea of time is a healer etc is a struggle to believe. Things happen for a reason - well yeah they happened because of me lol.

 

I know I can be honest on here without judgement - I feel like I’m at the end of the road with my life now. Like I don’t want to accomplish more, I don’t want to have to start over, I don’t want to embrace new things - I just want to stop.

 

I sound so dramatic and repetitive. I don’t mean kill myself - although I do often ponder that. I guess I mean I’ve lost my drive for life.

 

As I keep saying over and over - I’ve lost the one true person that just got me. I don’t seem to be healing at all - not even a little every day. I genuinely feel like I’m getting worse and worse and worse.

 

I suppose venting it on here is better than venting it to him.

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Yes, keep venting here.

 

You can change your life, you know. Make a life for yourself that gives you meaning, without it hinging on another person. Maybe you should try to figure out what that is and what it would look like.

[riverdeep33]

Ok so now I think it wasn’t an accident.

 

More messages today telling me I look good in my new profile pic and it’s working for me.

 

I just replied with thanks to which he responded “no worries” he clearly sensed my lack of interest - or at least my portrayal of such.

 

What bloody game is he playing!

 

He clearly doesn’t want me back, but is craving attention. My conflict is that I want him so I don’t want to tell him to not message me but at the same time this is destructive.

[ExpatInItaly]

I’ve done it, too. But if he’s done with the relationship, why is her number still in his phone? Why didn’t he do something to make sure a “mistake” like that didn’t happen again?

 

Because dumpers generally don't assign as much emotional value to keeping an ex as a contact as a dumpee does. Thus, many don't even think to delete their ex's number because it doesn't really matter to them if they are still able to reach an ex or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok so now I think it wasn’t an accident.

 

More messages today telling me I look good in my new profile pic and it’s working for me.

 

I just replied with thanks to which he responded “no worries” he clearly sensed my lack of interest - or at least my portrayal of such.

 

What bloody game is he playing!

 

He clearly doesn’t want me back, but is craving attention. My conflict is that I want him so I don’t want to tell him to not message me but at the same time this is destructive.

 

Yes, now I have to agree this isn't an accident, and you are likely correct that he's looking for attention.

 

You need to block him OP, at least for a while. You know the relationship is over, so the continued contact is going to bring you nothing but pain when he disappears again or starts dating someone else.

[bathtub-row]

Ok so now I think it wasn’t an accident.

 

More messages today telling me I look good in my new profile pic and it’s working for me.

 

Told ya!

[riverdeep33]

Yes, now I have to agree this isn't an accident, and you are likely correct that he's looking for attention.

 

You need to block him OP, at least for a while. You know the relationship is over, so the continued contact is going to bring you nothing but pain when he disappears again or starts dating someone else.

 

Not sure I can bring myself to blocking him. He isn’t saying he wants me back either so I have to stay rationale and not overthink it.

 

Oh god! Right back to square one. It’s just not fair that’s he’s playing this game with me. Why is he! I don’t understand. He doesn’t need to. Is he being selfish? Does he want me back but can’t say? Is he testing the waters? Or is he just plainly wanting airtime from someone he knows adores him.

[FMW]

The only way out of this is true NC, and you aren't ready to do that yet. So you'll keep suffering until you are.

 

NC is really hard, you have to persevere past just a few weeks and be serious about it. Time really will help, but not if you keep allowing him access to contact you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not sure I can bring myself to blocking him. He isn’t saying he wants me back either so I have to stay rationale and not overthink it.

 

Oh god! Right back to square one. It’s just not fair that’s he’s playing this game with me. Why is he! I don’t understand. He doesn’t need to. Is he being selfish? Does he want me back but can’t say? Is he testing the waters? Or is he just plainly wanting airtime from someone he knows adores him.

 

Based on what you've written about your break-up, it's probably this.

 

He's on dating apps again, right? My guess is that it's been quiet online for him, and he's looking for attention.

[riverdeep33]

Based on what you've written about your break-up, it's probably this.

 

He's on dating apps again, right? My guess is that it's been quiet online for him, and he's looking for attention.

 

He is yes, from what I hear - I haven't looked again since I first found out. I think the realisation I have to have with myself is that he isn't saying sorry, he isn't saying he is missing me, he just wants idle chit-chat, and a compliment is his way in.

 

My bluntness in the last message (which was VERY hard), I think will draw a line under them, but I do have a message queued up to send to him which basically says - he has made the choice to not be with me, so he needs to not be with me and let me put him in my past; kindly requesting he doesn't message me again.

 

That will be a tough message to send, but I have to accept, he doesn't want me. I am having a better day today; but my fear is that is because he is back in my life - albeit a fleeting message. When reality hits me again; I know I will have one hell of crash. After all, now I have "he finds me attractive, but doesn't want me - so I am not enough" in my head.

 

I accept it is just cruel now and I don't think it is deliberate - I believe he isn't trying to hurt me; it is just easier for him to talk to me than it is for me him and he needs to realise that.

[bathtub-row]

He is yes, from what I hear - I haven't looked again since I first found out. I think the realisation I have to have with myself is that he isn't saying sorry, he isn't saying he is missing me, he just wants idle chit-chat, and a compliment is his way in.

 

My bluntness in the last message (which was VERY hard), I think will draw a line under them, but I do have a message queued up to send to him which basically says - he has made the choice to not be with me, so he needs to not be with me and let me put him in my past; kindly requesting he doesn't message me again.

 

That will be a tough message to send, but I have to accept, he doesn't want me. I am having a better day today; but my fear is that is because he is back in my life - albeit a fleeting message. When reality hits me again; I know I will have one hell of crash. After all, now I have "he finds me attractive, but doesn't want me - so I am not enough" in my head.

 

I accept it is just cruel now and I don't think it is deliberate - I believe he isn't trying to hurt me; it is just easier for him to talk to me than it is for me him and he needs to realise that.

 

If recommend that you take that text out of your cue. Just stop acknowledging him. That message says far more than you think it does - and none of it is good. On the other hand, silence can mean a multitude of things that he gets to ponder over...and over...and over. It’s so simple yet no one wants to do it because the need to “do” something is so overpowering. Go against your instincts and stop taking the bait and feeding his ego.

[riverdeep33]

Well I told him to stop messaging me and the to need to move on.

 

His response was interesting.

 

Basically said sorry and that he is going through a rough time and I make him smile (the irony - it makes me bloody cry!)

 

He then went on to say how amazing I am and that I’m a wonderful person and he needs to figure out what he wants and needs.

 

Grrrrrrrr

 

I just wished him well and said I hope he does get everything he wants.

 

I really feel quite peculiar. Neutral. Yeah there’s a little bit of hope in me but I also think he’s playing a game and I feel sorry for him now. I’m oddly not upset - maybe that’s because my mind expects more is coming or maybe it’s because I now realise I’m a much better person haha.

 

I’m sure the tears will come when I realise he isn’t coming back - but in my kinder responses to him, I think I’ve been the better person.

 

I need to keep my barriers up. I sense a fall is coming again.

 

I’ve no idea what game he is playing. Friends suggest he has been on a few dates and has realised that I’m not the bad person he thought I was!

 

Regardless none of this is helping me move on. He did say he would now leave me alone, so let’s hope so and if he doesn’t, I can at least remind him of that.

[bathtub-row]

He probably isn’t playing a game but he’ll keep dragging you into his confusion if you let him. Leave him alone and let him figure it out. But I’ll just tell you that it’s really, really difficult to get a relationship back on track once the couple has split up. So, even if he does come back, don’t expect it to work out. Just go about your life and see what happens. You’re doing great. Nuetral isn’t a bad place to be.

[ExpatInItaly]

The game is that he isn't getting dates at the moment and wants attention from you. But notice he said nothing about trying again.

 

OP, he is going to disappear again when he does starting chatting with other people and going on dates. And you will crash even harder.

 

Keep in contact at your own risk, here.

[riverdeep33]

The game is that he isn't getting dates at the moment and wants attention from you. But notice he said nothing about trying again.

 

OP, he is going to disappear again when he does starting chatting with other people and going on dates. And you will crash even harder.

 

Keep in contact at your own risk, here.

 

Thanks. I’m feeling a little used by him to be honest - the weekend has gone and he’s stopped messaging. It’s time for me to stop waiting and have more self respect. The idea of he needs to “think about what he wants and needs” is a disgrace really and makes me so angry - the nerve. He has to think about whether he wants me! What!

 

He can crack on and he does deserve the pain. Not going to lie - he is back in my mind constantly, but I’m keeping my guard up. The contact has stopped. That says it all.

[DontBreakEven]

Sometimes a lover's "abandonment" isn't the real cause of our pain ... Rather, what sometimes sends us on a downward spiral are underlying thoughts and feelings that the breakup has triggered and aggravated. Thoughts like:

 

• I am repeatedly abandoned ...
   
   
  
• I'm not good enough ...
   
   
  
• I never get what I want out of life ...
   
   
  
• No one will ever really love me ...
   
   
  
• Things never work out for me ...
   
   
  
• I'm not feminine enough/masculine enough ... pretty enough/handsome enough to have someone love me.
  

 

 

Yep. For me, most times it's not even about the person who left. It's about these above things that get triggered.

[riverdeep33]

So it continues!

 

He messaged me.... not ready for a new relationship (whatever that means) but he has so much to say to me and wants to come and talk.

 

Catch 22 - if I say no I’ll wonder what he was gonna say. If I say yes - it’s clearly going to be destructive!

 

Friends are mixed about it. I need to listen and then leave in my view but it’s going to set me back. He isn’t fighting for me. If he dares ask me for relationship advice I think I’d have a breakdown.

 

This is going to hurt! But I desperately want him back. How can I not see him.

Edited October 20, 2018 by riverdeep33
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[ExpatInItaly]

He messaged me.... not ready for a new relationship (whatever that means) but he has so much to say to me and wants to come and talk.

 

Ask him what exactly he wants to talk about. Then decide if you're prepared to actually see him and have a conversation.

 

Please, do be cautious.

[riverdeep33]

It sucks!

All he said is that he doesn't feel ready for a new relationship but has so much he needs to say and he would rather discuss in person than over texts/phone etc.

 

I know this is going to be on hell of a fall - as clearly his opening line suggests he doesn't want to be with me.

 

Oh god! Monday night!

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think meeting him is a good idea at this point.

 

If he's not coming to discuss reconciliation, I would not go ahead with this. You risk hearing all the reasons he's sorry he broke up with you, then him turning around and being on his way.

[riverdeep33]

That's just it though - if I don't hear him out then I will always wonder what he will say.

 

That said, I haven't heard from him since Thursday, so it may not actually come to fruition anyway.

 

I think, if he dared to come here, not for repair and to start over - I will challenge him and make him understand he came all the way here just to hurt me - and I actually think that might help me (in the long run) - in seeing him for who he is.

[bathtub-row]

What did he mean by “new relationship”? Was he referring to not starting over with you, or that he’s not ready for someone else, someone new?

 

I can’t imagine that he’s arranging to meet with you only to hurt you. It would be best however if you could get yourself in a place - a frame of mind - where you’re not attached to the outcome. For instance, even if he begs you to come back, you’d be better off not reacting and not making a definitive decision right away. If he says something completely stupid, then just walk away. Or if he’s at your place, walk to the door and open it for him. That would say all you need to say. I just wouldn’t get into a romantic mindset thinking it will end in sunshine and flowers. Be reserved because he has hurt you a great deal and shouldn’t expect you to welcome him with open arms. Nor should you.

[riverdeep33]

I don’t get the impression he is going to ask to have me back. I think he just wants to apologise and probably be friends - which I won’t entertain.

 

I’m seeing it as a really lucky opportunity to see him and actually say goodbye. It’s going to kill me I know it. I can’t expect a positive outcome I know that.

 

I’m so tired. So very very tired of it all. 7 months of pain and I feel like I can’t do any more.

 

It’s an opportunity that has presented itself and I have to embrace it and see what comes of it. 6pm tomorrow....

[bathtub-row]

You didn’t think his “accidental” texts and phone calls meant anything either. Something’s going on with him. I’m not implying that you shouldn’t meet with him. I’m just saying, be prepared for anything and don’t be too quick to welcome him back if that’s what he wants. Whatever he wants, perhaps your stock answer should be, “I don’t know. I need to think about it.” He’s got the advantage here - he knows what the conversation is about. You don’t.

[riverdeep33]

I agree.

My plan was just to say absolutely nothing and don’t steer the conversation. I was just going to sit and listen and make no decision.

 

If he’s here to apologise and nothing more, I’ll thank him and bring the conversation to a close. If he wants more, then I need to express my concerns and then say I need to think about it. I doubt that will happen.

 

My view is - if this IS the last time I’m going to see him, I can just keep by guard up and stay strong. I just hope I can.

 

The issue is he 100% knows I’d do anything to be with him and if he isn’t prepared to do the same - that should now be enough to take control and remove him from my life. That’s easier said than done and I fear I’ll be back to square one by this time Tuesday.

 

I need to stop second guessing the conversation and just see. At least he is making the effort to travel 50 miles to see me - it’s a start.