bathtub-row Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 So...did the two of you meet yesterday? How did it go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted October 23, 2018 Author Share Posted October 23, 2018 Oh goodness! I am still in shock. Abridged version... - He realises what he has lost and wants me back! - Is prepared for me to say bye and let him walk away because of what he has done. - He was in a very dark place and needed to push the world away (I can relate!) - He couldn't cope with all my efforts to repair, so he pushed back. - Said he needed time to work on himself; he hasn't dated anyone else and he has deleted the dating apps. - Feels he is in a much better place now and he wants to show me he is serious because he knows how much he has hurt me. - He doesn't want to jump into a relationship; but just wants to take it slow with me and let it develop. - His realisation was that he was living an okay life and suddenly realised he was missing the one thing in his life that makes him happy - me. I said I didn't trust him and I don't understand what has changed and my guard is completely up. He understood and said he will show me in time. I am so tired / scared of it all, I am unsure what to do - other than nothing and just see what happens. I got what I wanted - he has come back BUT there is a niggle in my mind - can I trust him, will he walk away again. What a bloody mess! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I’m not at all surprised. Well, I think you did great. Just don’t sleep with him anytime soon. You guys need to rebuild and sex just gets in the way. When you come out of shock - congats! It’s what you wanted. See what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted October 23, 2018 Author Share Posted October 23, 2018 Oh I made it very clear - no sex. He actually agreed and said he wants the first time to be when I trust him and very special somewhere???? Just can't comprehend it all to be honest - I should be elated but I just can't process the reality of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 Oh I made it very clear - no sex. He actually agreed and said he wants the first time to be when I trust him and very special somewhere???? Just can't comprehend it all to be honest - I should be elated but I just can't process the reality of it all. My cat once captured a bird and I corned him and grabbed the bird out of his mouth. Then I put the bird on a chair and waited for it to fly away. But he didn't - not for a long time; about 20 minutes. I learned later that it's a syndrome called tonic immobility. It happens in animals as a form of hypnosis or paralysis. There are different theories about it but I personally think it's nature's way of putting the prey in a state of unawareness. They've resigned themselves to dying. I think the same could be said of what you've been through. As much as it hurt, there was a part of you that was accepting the death of the relationship. And now that you've been freed from the clutches of the cat's jaws, so to speak, you can't snap out of that state. It's understandable that you can't come around quickly, nor should you. But I'm happy for you and I hope everything works out. That is, if you feel you can trust him again. It sounds like he's really thought things through and knows what he wants. There's a lot to be said for that but rushing things will kill everything. I'm sure you're smart and you'll take things slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 I am going to try my best to take things slowly; I mean - it has been a few days and he has put in zero effort to be honest; isn't messaging unless I message, isn't talking much; when he does it is just work. So I really don't know! I just have to let it play out. I can't rush it but I do feel like I am a little bit of a backup. I can't quite put my finger on it - but something doesn't seem right. Link to post Share on other sites
divegrl Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Hi Riverdeep, So I caught up in this thread and the other threads you have posted. I really think you need to take some time to figure out what you want. In your other thread, you said you were emotionally distant from him. It doesn’t seem that you really wanted him until he was gone. Isn’t that how it always is? Lol. Right now you guys are in a bad cycle of breaking up and getting back together. You are causing each other pain hurt and confusion. I think you need some space to really process your thoughts and emotions. If you are uncomfortable with how he is treating you, you need to tell him. But please listen to your intuition. It’s very powerful, and will let you know when something is not right. Have a beautiful day my friend. Sending love. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 If he’s not making any effort and his responses are blasé, then I’d rethink the whole thing. Btw, why are you contacting him? I wouldn’t do a thing other than sitting back and seeing what he does. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 River - how are things going? Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 River - how are things going? Oh god. I wish I knew. He just seems so distant! Not trying at all in my view. We have had a few dates and he said he knows he needs to pull it all the stops and be knows what he has to do - he just needs a chance to do it. He’s been on night shifts and he is off on holiday now for a week so I really dunno what to think. He does seem to be not that interested - but if work has gotten in the way maybe I need to give him time. I’m thinking the end of November. When he’s back off holiday I intend to be very blunt. I think he thinks he can just go at his pace and I’ll be fine with that. He has no concept of what’s I’ve been through. He just doesn’t seem interested at all. I really don’t know how to play it. I mean he doesn’t really speak until spoken to. He never initiates feeling messages etc. So if I say I miss him, he will say “me too” or “awww” I’m gonna say all this to him upon return. If he walks away - I genuinely think I’ll be fine. Right now I feel he is settling for me or trying to like me. Does that make sense? I know it’s not all on him - but it’s hard to model the behaviour I want when I feel like scum around him :/ Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 What he's doing is totally inexcusable. If he wasn't completely ready to dive in, then he should've never contacted you. If I were in your shoes, I'd just stop talking to him completely for awhile. When you resurface, have the talk you want to have with him. But I'd suggest that you stop engaging with him and especially stop the 'I miss you's'. Time to back off. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 I'm sorry, but people make time for what's important to them. I just don't think he came back for the right reasons, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted November 3, 2018 Author Share Posted November 3, 2018 (edited) I’m inclined to agree with you both. In his defence he has seen me on both days he was off work so I suppose he’s made time when he could. I’ll back off whilst he’s on holiday and just leave him be. I plan to have the talk upon return and just see what he says. You know when you can just tell someone wants to be with you - I’m not getting that vibe from him. I genuinely do think he will walk away again when I say all I have to say. I do have to remember I originally hurt him - I’m not the innocent one but I’m at least prepared to try. Maybe placing my expectations of how I would be on him is not wise. There’s just a niggle in my mind - it doesn’t feel right. Edited November 3, 2018 by riverdeep33 Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 Here is what I think is going on, A short time ago he was attempting a friendship angle with you. He was likely missing your company and friendship and probably thought his life would be better if you were in it in some capacity. If I remember correctly, you told him that you weren't interested in idle chit chat and that you wanted him to stop contacting you so you could heal and move on. So he panicked at the thought of having you 100% gone from his life. He could have some unresolved abandonment issues that were stirred up at the idea of never seeing you again. In this state of anxiety he became convinced that he had to get you back in his life somehow so that he could relieve himself of these painful feelings. He even said some things that indicated that he still doesn't actually want a full on relationship with you, such as "I'm not ready for a relationship" and "let's take it slow" as well as rapidly agreeing to no sex. Once you agreed to start seeing him again his stress and anxiety over losing you has subsided and now he's back to second guessing the relationship and wondering if that's what he really wants. I have a feeling that if you called him right now and told him you want to break up but remain best friends and still talk and see him often just as friends he would eagerly agree to this. Because he doesn't really want the relationship anymore, he just doesn't want to let you disappear from his life entirely. By glancing at an earlier thread of yours it appears that the initial break up occurred because you were emotionally unavailable. Well it just so happens that emotionally unavailable people tend to partner up with other emotionally unavailable people. Then they have relationships where it's just one long dance of push/pull. He's pulled you back in but now he is withdrawing and you are frustrated. However I suspect that if he were to really give it his all then you would be the one to withdraw. You two are doing a dysfunctional dance that won't end until one you decides to get off the dance floor for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted November 3, 2018 Author Share Posted November 3, 2018 Part of me agrees with that; it makes a lot of sense; but part of me also thinks he just isn't that sort of person. He did explicitly say to me that he had a week of night shifts and a week away booked in; so he couldn't do much until after then - so I guess I have to give him the opportunity to? His tone and lack of messaging does suggest he isn't interested too. I just don't know! I want to give him a week after he comes back and then see. It's been 7 months - what's one more week :S Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted August 17, 2019 Author Share Posted August 17, 2019 I’m not at all surprised. Well, I think you did great. Just don’t sleep with him anytime soon. You guys need to rebuild and sex just gets in the way. When you come out of shock - congats! It’s what you wanted. See what happens. Well it’s been almost a year so I thought I’d update. We are still going strong. A few ups and downs, but positive. He has moved in and we are living together. Who knows where it will lead or if it will last, but we are doing okay. Just wanted to give some hope to people on here. Even if things don’t work out, after going through all this, it has made me a stronger person and I know I will be fine regardless. So, to all those struggling to cope, I think the message is, take each day, use this AMAZING forum (the people who give their time to emotionally support is are incredible selfless people) and rest assured; a good or different outcome, will turn out okay. You have to trust that time is a great healer, and life experiences such as these make us stronger, different people. Thanks to everyone who posted and helped me. Not sure where things will go, but the adventure is worth having. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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