What response could she be expecting / hoping for from me?

[guest569]

It shows bad character and I am going to have to do a little self-examining to understand why I didn't see it, and to my best friend it was so obvious she didn't even have to burn a calorie cogitating over it.

 

I wonder if you didn't see it because you didn't want to see her for who she really was. You still wanted to see the best in her. It's a little bit like many on here who stay in relationships and tolerate the most crappy things until the last straw, and then their eyes are wide open, all the pieces fall into place and build a really ugly picture of that person. You seemed hesitant to even mention the bad things that she said to you but you're moving from hurt/sad to anger now.

 

Letting air out of someone's tyres is a bit of a crazy thing to do. But I don't think that is as bad as making a friendship all one sided and not listening to your friend's problems. Basically throwing it in your face with those comments. 'I can't afford to get that injury cause I'm soooo much more important and busy than you' are you kidding me? I probably would have just said 2 words to her and walked/hobbled away. But I am probably a bit ruthless. If a friend is no longer behaving like a friend then I just have no room for them anymore.

[Zapbasket]

I wonder if you didn't see it because you didn't want to see her for who she really was. You still wanted to see the best in her. It's a little bit like many on here who stay in relationships and tolerate the most crappy things until the last straw, and then their eyes are wide open, all the pieces fall into place and build a really ugly picture of that person. You seemed hesitant to even mention the bad things that she said to you but you're moving from hurt/sad to anger now.

 

Yeah, I feel like I'm going through a break-up. Having trouble concentrating, feel furious one moment and then so hurt another.... Re: why I didn't see it, maybe I have too much tolerance of people's dark sides. I'm pretty in touch with my dark side...but what that self-awareness enables is that generally I'm able to stop myself from acting on the impulses of my darker side, while acknowledging, and having compassion for, my own darkness. So I tolerate manifestations from other people's darker impulses, when they lack the self-awareness required to neutralize it. For instance, for years I dreamed of letting the air out of my most recent ex's tires every time I saw his truck parked somewhere. And honestly, if I thought I'd have been able to do it and not risk being seen, I may have done it. I was in a pretty dark place for a while with that break-up.

 

Letting air out of someone's tyres is a bit of a crazy thing to do. But I don't think that is as bad as making a friendship all one sided and not listening to your friend's problems. Basically throwing it in your face with those comments. 'I can't afford to get that injury cause I'm soooo much more important and busy than you' are you kidding me? I probably would have just said 2 words to her and walked/hobbled away. But I am probably a bit ruthless. If a friend is no longer behaving like a friend then I just have no room for them anymore.

 

Speaking of dark impulses, this is awful but sometimes I wish this woman would tear her ACL in the next year so that she will see what it's like: the lost WEEKS of work, the psychological toll of every move--even within your own home--being a Project, the toll of everyone moving breezily around you while you struggle to make it from your car to your front door, the endless PT sessions and exercises when you'd rather be doing ANYTHING else, AND PEOPLE JUST IGNORING YOU BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO BE "BOTHERED" WITH YOUR INCAPACITATED STATE. I hate to say it but yeah, I wish every bit of it on her as I think that will be the only thing that ever could humble her enough to realize the ****ty way she treated me. Otherwise I honestly think she believes she was a great friend, and my calling her out was completely unreasonable, and she's over there justifying her choice to ignore my request to talk and pretending that behind our Facebook "friendship," a real friendship still exists, one that exists purely on her terms.

 

I mean, what do I do with the Facebook connection? I want to unfriend her, but then she will just conclude that I am petty and unreasonable. And until I am completely moved from here I don't want to risk being badmouthed to people too weak to form their own conclusions about me. I want to make my transition out of here as smooth as possible. But I also just want to get rid of her since she feels she still has the right to comment on my posts. The latest one? Telling me to "send my love" to my mom? I was FURIOUS. That's almost invasive, or pathologically clueless at best. My mom thinks her behavior was appalling. I have changed my settings so that she can't see my future posts, but we have so many mutual friends it's impossible to hide my activity completely. I just want to quash her almost mean fantasy that the way she has acted still means she can reach out to me on her terms. I think that makes me angriest of all, that seemingly she doesn't want to be my friend but wants to be able to access me (via Facebook) when she feels like it.

[Zapbasket]

What sucks about social media is that to cut one person out, you have to distance yourself from all the people who are friends with that person. It hurts that so many people seem to like this woman--"like," of course, on Facebook being a flimsy, superficial thing. I've been on FB a bunch lately because a lot of people messaged me about my birthday and/or my visit with my mom. I'll take another hiatus from it soon. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sad that this person was so rude to me, so many people in this community seem to like her ("I miss you so much!" ) a mutual friend just posted, tagging this woman, and both this woman knows, and I know, that I am one step shy from being a total hermit in this town, and not by choice. I feel like this woman thinks she's better than me, which really hurts (and REALLY is not true, either--but she's arrogant enough, and it seems delusional enough, to believe it).

 

I keep posting and I know it's kicking a dead horse at this point. But I'm struggling with the hurt that I evidently was so easy to discard, just because I said her tone with me of late had been a bit punchy and I didn't like it.

 

You know what finally drove me to email her, asking what was up that she was talking like that to me? I was on a walk on a paved trail, all uphill, planning to take the bus down because I couldn't yet walk downhill, and a huge storm was brewing. I was nearly two miles from where I'd have to take the bus, and backtracking was not an option (downhill). She texted me, "GC, are you okay???!!"--saying she hadn't heard from me and she "panicked." I had stopped texting her after her rude in-person exchange to me a week or so prior. I texted yes, I am ok, and told her where I was and that I was so hoping I'd not get rained on before I could get to the bus. She wrote that the HOPED I got rained on, and in fact, she hoped the sky would open up and pour on me because we hadn't had rain in a long time. I said, yes, like everyone in our town I hoped we had rain, but I'd prefer not to be stranded in a lightning storm in an open area with no quick way to get cover. She texted back that some rain would be good for me. The tone of the whole thing felt not only punchy, but a bit aggressive. And it was later that night that I emailed her. I could not call, because she was having dinner with her family and she goes to bed by 9pm.

 

I'm just so tired of being so...expendable. I care about my friendships. If I let them go, it's after a lot of trying, and having honest discussion about the issues I''m having with the person. I just feel, meanwhile, like "chopped liver," as the saying goes.

 

Okay, vent over. God I really do feel like this is a breakup. Maybe my feelings are so strong because not only am I breaking up with this woman, but soon I'll be breaking up with this whole town where I've lived for eight years.

 

I just hope it's better, socially, where I'm going. I've never had the kind of trouble making friends that I've had here. But I worry it's because of my age, than because of the culture HERE. Praying it's not the same everywhere. I can't take much more of this loneliness and so many uncaring, socially/emotionally underdeveloped people.

[BC1980]

That text exchange you described about the rain sounds nuts. I can't imagine saying that to someone. I really think social media is a net bad for numerous reasons. It is harder to make friends as you get older. I do believe that.

[Zapbasket]

That text exchange you described about the rain sounds nuts. I can't imagine saying that to someone.

 

Yeah, there just was so much...hostility, barely veiled. And for the life of me I didn't know why, but I knew I had to say something--it's just in the moment she was cooking dinner and I was in a situation. I still don't know what was behind it, or why she wanted to hear from me if something I did or something about me irked her so much. But going forward I think I do just want better friends. Better adjusted, better educated, and people who think I'm awesome and won't toss me aside so easily. She does not belong where I hope I'm headed. Even so, it's sad to discover that maybe I over-estimated her as I tend unfortunately to do, and sad to know that in this place where I've lived I never really mattered to anyone.

 

It is harder to make friends as you get older. I do believe that.

It seems to be so. But maybe if as we get older we get better at choosing friends, then while it's harder initially, it's "easier" to ferret out the good ones.

[guest569]

This town sounds like a dud. I think you'll have much better luck making new friends once you move to a new place and leave it behind. I guess you're right about waiting until you move to give her the axe with regard to Facebook. I get that friends can't be constantly catching up and looking out for each other once they have families to look after.. but she sounded downright nasty. Especially as she had an ACL done in the past, must have a short memory.

 

The rain exchange.. wow. And I also thought the 'here are your pants back,and here is my giving a half-hearted apology (with a full heart drawn around it like a 10 yr old would do), and here is the final word' seems a bit passive aggressive and fake to me. And so damn immature!

[Eternal Sunshine]

GC are you moving somewhere completely new or somewhere where you already lived?

 

I recently made a big move back to the city where most of my friends and family are. It's only been 2 months but I already feel so much less isolated. Wish I have done it sooner.

 

It's really tough for women like us that are not married/don't have children. But don't underestimate how much living in a dud town can affect your life.

[Zapbasket]

GC are you moving somewhere completely new or somewhere where you already lived?

 

I'm moving where I have lived before, but it was when I first moved to this state and that whole year was a huge disaster. But, I've been in a two-year arts program for which I've been commuting and have made some good contacts there, and I do have a few friends there, albeit not close, but there's a connection in that we're all serious artists, and that forges a sense of bonding. Basically I'm moving there because of this program; I want to keep taking workshops there to help further my work. I just read some of the peer and faculty recommendations from some of these people for a thing I applied for, and I was so moved to see that they think so well of me as both an artist and a human being, so already I'm way ahead of the game from where I live now, where I feel I could fall in a hole tomorrow and die and no one would really give one sh*t. Really, it's like that, no exaggeration.

 

I recently made a big move back to the city where most of my friends and family are. It's only been 2 months but I already feel so much less isolated. Wish I have done it sooner.

 

Ah, I wish some of us on LS could meet for coffee or drinks and dish on some of our experiences! Congrats on the move. My longstanding friends are scattered; we all lived in a big east-coast city and one by one we all moved around the country/world. I do know I want to be closer to my mom so I don't think where I'm moving to is necessarily where I'll be settling.

 

don't underestimate how much living in a dud town can affect your life.

Again, wish we could meet so we could share experiences. The eight years I have lived here have been some of the most lonely, most bizarre, most f'd up, most unhappy years I've experienced in my life, and nearly all of it is due to the people. I thought moving to a small mountain town would mean good, wholesome values, warm community, and good, wholesome people. And there are one or two folks I've known who are that way. But otherwise I have just met some of the WORST people--maybe not "bad" people, per se, but ignorant, lacking any ambition or motivation, uneducated, close-minded, lacking class or basic manners.... Basically the kind of people I always steered clear of in my former life, who just weren't even in my orbit in my former life. I always was around talented, motivated if not always nice people. But at least they were highly intelligent jerks. Like this woman I discuss in this thread, what is so soul-crushing is that I keep ending up being treated poorly by jerks who aren't even smart enough where I can say they know what they're doing. I always have to consider that maybe they're too ignorant / uneducated / dumb to know just how unkind or short-sighted their behavior really is. The whole experience has affected my health, my spirit, my faith in people, my finances, my resume, my sense of overall security in this world. It broke me, but somehow I managed to rise up again enough to act on the notion that I deserve better and can reach for much, much better, so long as I get out of here.

 

I'm so relieved to know that while you experienced, perhaps, something similar (and I wish I could hear more about it), you moved and things immediately improved. I've known for a long time I've needed to move. But for a long long time, I was too broken to pull it off.

[Zapbasket]

This town sounds like a dud. I think you'll have much better luck making new friends once you move to a new place and leave it behind.

 

You and Eternal Sunshine have made me cry with the weight of yearning. I know everything won't be exactly as I desire right away, but I think I am on a good path and headed to good things if I just keep my eye on what's important, and meet some quality people along the way who can help. What my horrendously lonely experience here has taught me is that just the presence of good people around you makes every dream, every day, a million times richer, better, more full of promise. We don't reach our goals alone, ever. I hope you are right, and that as soon as I move, finally I will begin to cultivate some friendships with people who know how to treat people with regard, who inspire me and make me feel welcome rather than like every day is me standing on the edge of a party holding my beer and no one will talk to me, even when I approach them. That LITERALLY and figuratively has been my experience for eight years where I currently live. I can't enter into any social situation here without feeling myself sidelined, generally by people who are rude and have little interesting to say, but they fit in, and I do not, and they're glad to subtly remind me of this distinction.

 

I get that friends can't be constantly catching up and looking out for each other once they have families to look after..

 

I don't get that. I don't think having a family to look after means you can't be a good friend. Maybe you don't have time to do many of the things you used to do with friends, but it's not like any of us adults is hanging out for hours over dinners out. We all lead busy lives and we're all the better, and healthier, for taking time even to shoot someone a text to say, "Thinking of you." I do have one friend where I live who has not been here all summer, but she has checked in on me consistently, and I cannot tell you how much those little gestures (and I check in on her, too) have meant to me. All told it probably took 10-20 minutes total of her time this summer to shoot me a text, send me a funny photo, tell me, "I'm thinking about you." It doesn't take much to show someone you're on their mind.

 

Especially as she had an ACL done in the past, must have a short memory.

 

No, she's never had this injury. That's why I say, with some shame at having such a mean thought, that I hope she has it this year because no doubt she'll think of how she was toward me and have a fleeting thought of, "Wow, I wasn't very tolerant of GreenCove." Or, "I don't know how GreenCove managed to recover all alone." But I know it won't matter anyway, and of course I don't TRULY wish ill on her or anyone, but there is that TEENSY bit of me that has that tiny, not-so-nice thought....

 

And I also thought the 'here are your pants back,and here is my giving a half-hearted apology (with a full heart drawn around it like a 10 yr old would do), and here is the final word' seems a bit passive aggressive and fake to me. And so damn immature!

 

Reading this made me furious all over again. The stupid heart and then the handwriting--that bubbly cursive like you do in fifth grade. I never wanted to see that card again so I ripped it up two days ago and found satisfaction in watching my wet kitchen scraps dropping on its remnants. I can forgive her being bitchy, if she had a reason, or if she copped even to a ridiculous reason: "I'm just a bitchy middle-aged woman and I should try to be a little nicer"--even that I'd have accepted. Ultimately what I can't forgive her for is her infantile apology, her ignoring my birthday except for some lame note on someone else's post, and then her having the nerve to write on my Facebook wall to please send my mother her love. that really did it for me. So arrogant.

 

Thanks for "listening" to me vent. It all hurt because I thought much more highly of this woman than she showed me she was worthy of, and it's sad to feel the death of my affection for, and trust in her as a friend. I wish I could have seen a sign of this coming. If you'd told me a year ago this was where I'd be with this woman today, I'd have said, "Don't be so jaded!" Maybe I need to become more jaded. I do like to believe the best about people but maybe I take it too far, and then I end up hurting twice as much as necessary when I'm let down. I have some maturing to do myself, obviously.

[JuneL]

Just wondering...did she start to make those insensitive comments only since your knee surgery?

 

Anyway, you should give yourself a deadline to vent all you want and then forget about her. At the end of the day, it didn’t sound like your friendship was that deep to begin with, so don’t waste too much of your energy on her!