Husband left. What do I do now?

[Laura79]

Where do I start. Was married (common law marriage) 17 years. Was a stay at home wife. Husband had a high flying job often travelling. He has a secret family with his PA and has left me for them. I don’t know what to do now.

 

To expand a bit, we had faced some financial difficulties and declared bankruptcy. Just as that was finalized he told me he was leaving me for his PA. They have two kids together. We don’t have any as a childhood illness left me unable.

 

What do I do now? I have no money. I have no work skills. I’m living back with parents and although I’d like it be temporary I can’t see my situation improving. He has no assets for me to go after.

 

Can I go after her money? Surely my ex gave her some. I feel so useless. I feel foolish. I think of the times I cooked for both of them and they’d sit at my table when they got home from a long week travelling for work. They must have been laughing at me as they really spent the whole week ****ing.

 

Even his facebook posts are insulting. Announcing that he’s finally with his true love. He moves into a nice house with a nice car and has a partner and still has his job. I’m left with no money, no job and no hope for the future. Who would want a 39 year old broke woman with no prospects?

 

I deserve to walk away with something. I don’t know whether he set this bankruptcy thing up. If he did how can I prove it? I don’t have money to hire people. It’s just not fair. He has treated me like garbage and walked away with a new life. What do I get? Where’s my future? I have nothing to look forward to. Honestly I feel like what’s the point. I might as well just give up.

 

And words of wisdom appreciated. How do I get my life on track after this? Where do I even start?

[d0nnivain]

You get a lawyer but understand very few places recognize common law marriage. Even fewer recognize palimony. If yours does, you may have a leg to stand on, otherwise you are the EX GF with no rights. You should be able to consult legal services for free if your financial situation is as dire as you present it.

 

No you cannot go after her. Alienation of affection is not a thing even if you had been formally married (not common law).

 

First thing first, find out what social services you may be eligible for. Get yourself a job. Even if it's minimum wage, you need to support yourself. Now get into some kind of job training / education program. You need to eventually get a job paying more then minimum wage & that provides you with health insurance. Make a budget too. You have to save for retirement. For now, since you can't pay rent, be helpful to your parents who have taken you back in by doing the majority of the cooking & cleaning.

 

Do yourself a huge favor & disconnect from him on social media. You don't need to see his present life. It just hurts too much.

[Laura79]

Why can't I go after her? What if her bought her a car? Paid for all of or some of her home? He was just setting up her life, his life, for their future together. That money should have been ours. Maybe then we wouldn't have faced bankruptcy. I just feel like that money that went to her is rightfully mine (or half mine half his).

[d0nnivain]

Do an internet search for alienation of affection or heartbalm suits. https://www.lawyers.com/legal-info/family-law/divorce/whats-alienation-of-affection.html The websites you find will explain why you can't go after her.

 

Your mercenary attitude won't help you. You admit you stayed home & he worked. You didn't contribute to the household finances but you benefited from them. He can argue that none of it was your money because you were not his wife -- again common law is NOT recognized most places. Thus you were already given 17 years worth of gifts & are not entitled to any more.

 

If he bought her a car with his money, that was his choice. When you filed for bankruptcy was your name on the petition or just his? He had to complete certain disclosures including expenses for the last . . . 5 years I think but it might have been 7 . . .because bankruptcy laws allow certain look back periods. The trustee can reach back in time to find certain assets available to repay the debtors. So I doubt there were secret financial transactions but if there were that would be considered fraud on the court not against you. Any money would be collected & redistributed to the creditors, not given to you. He may go to jail or face other penalties if he defrauded a court but nothing will improve your financial situation.

 

You foolishly allowed yourself to be dependent on somebody else without benefit of meaningful legal protections. Those decisions made out of love not financial acumen have now come back to bite you in the tail. Any detrimental reliance you can show - through actual writings not verbal promises -- may be the basis for a disfavored palimony suit but that is not going to get you far against a bankrupt man with no assets.

 

It's time to roll up your 39 year old sleeves & figure out how to support yourself.

 

I'm not trying to be insensitive. After 17 years you have to be heartbroken. Your whole world is upside down. But you asked about what to do now. That Q has a practical answer so I tried to focus on the things you can address -- your finances.

 

Best wishes.

Edited September 9, 2018 by d0nnivain

[Laura79]

The law is an crock then. What he earned was OUR money. Yes he was the one going to work but I maintained OUR home. He didn't want me to work. Then he gives OUR money to his whore and she lives the good life on OUR money!! Then when it all falls apart off he goes with her and all she has bought with OUR money and I get nothing. How is that fair?

 

 

As for the bankruptcy, I was never asked to sign anything so assume I am not a party to it.

[BaileyB]

As for the bankruptcy, I was never asked to sign anything so assume I am not a party to it.

 

You had best find out.

 

I understand your anger, and I'm sorry this has happened to you. But, the simple truth is - he was employed, he earned the money, it was his money, and because you were not married - your legal rights are minimal. You had an agreement that you would stay home and care for the home... But, this relationship was very one sided with him in control of the finances and now you see that you have been left with nothing. I'm sorry that it didn't work our for you but you will have to make your own way now - it's time to get a job and NEVER allow yourself to be so vulnerable (financially) to a man again.

[Els]

What were you doing for 17 years if you have no kids, and you have never worked and have no marketable skills? Household chores do take time, but not THAT much time, not in the age of modern machinery.

 

 

In some countries, common law is a legal partnership and is held to the same separation laws as marriage. That's the case in mine, anyway. BUT, "separation benefits" are allocated mostly based on contribution to the relationship during the relationship. If you had children and were a SAHM, you would be protected, no questions. But if you have no children, it will be difficult for a court to see what exactly you were contributing. Household chores do count for something, but realistically nobody spends 40 hrs/week on household chores for a family of 2 adults. So even though you will be entitled to some compensation, you will not be awarded enough to live on, for sure.

 

And yes, like d0nnivan says, some places don't recognize common law marriage. You'd need to check with your jurisdiction.

 

 

 

I'm sorry your husband was a manipulative cheater. In the future I would stay away from a man who refused to "let" you work even though you have no kids.

[BaileyB]

In some countries, common law is a legal partnership and is held to the same separation laws as marriage. That's the case in mine, anyway. BUT, "separation benefits" are allocated mostly based on contribution to the relationship during the relationship. If you had children and were a SAHM, you would be protected, no questions. But if you have no children, it will be difficult for a court to see what exactly you were contributing.

 

Completely agree.

 

Even if your country recognizes common law as a legal partnership, as you have said there are no assets to divide with the bankruptcy. If he did funnel the money to his other woman, and declared bankruptcy to protect himself from any claim you make - that's very manipulative but there is probably not much you can do. Only a lawyer could advise you of your rights.

 

Our advice, never allow yourself to be so vulnerable to a man again. My question, how is it that he declared bancruptcy and you didn't get a job? If it was a "partnership" as you claim, do you not have some responsibility to contribute when your partner is no longer able to pay the bills... It seems to me that you gave him all the control and responsibility in this relationship, and now that's coming back to hurt you.

[Laura79]

Great. So I get nothing. What's the point of even trying to build a happy loving home if this can happen? I guess I'll just become a hooker or just check out altogether. Clearly I am not worth a cent after 17 years, just thrown on the scrapheap and left to rot while he has his new happy loving home.

[Garcon1986]

On the bright side, there are plenty of women who have done just fine without a guy. It sucks a lot that this happened to you. I know it's hard to do right in the heat of the moment, but my priority number one would be to get a job so you can have an income right now. Even if you want to seek out a lawyer they are going to want to get paid too.

[d0nnivain]

We're not saying you are worthless. We don't understand the choices that you made. Without benefit of marriage, you chose to rely on him & now he proved unworthy of that trust leaving you in the pickle you are in

 

You need a plan. You need a job.

 

You were 22 when you started up with him. What were you doing before that? Can you go back to that?

 

But unfortunately without the legal protections of marriage, unless you are in one of those rare places that recognize common law marriage, the law does not deem your stay at home contributions worthy of anything more then benefits you enjoyed during the 17 years you & he were together.

[Art_Critic]

Great. So I get nothing.

 

Nobody here can tell you what you get, each country and each state is different in their laws that concerns common law or domestic partnerships.

 

You MUST go get some legal representation, child support and many other things are on the table..

 

Go get a lawyer... now....

[BaileyB]

If you are left in a position where you have no assets, no job, and no marketable skills - that is your fault, not his.

You chose to rely on a man who has proven untrustworthy. What he did was horrible, but you have some responsibility in the decision to give up your financial independence to stay at home and live the life of luxury for the last 17 years. You put all your eggs in one basket and now, you find yourself in a tough situation.

 

At this point, you need to get two things. A lawyer. And a job.

 

Or, another man who is willing to take you on and pay your bills for the next 17 years...

[bathtub-row]

Look, none of us know what the laws are in your country, city, state, whatever. Talk to a lawyer and see if you have any rights. In the State I live in, I think common law marriages are recognized. So, get legal advice before you make any decisions.

 

I’m curious — if you were so intent on staying at home, why didn’t you at least make sure you were protected legally? Why, after 3, 4, 7+ years went by, did you not decide you were wasting your time with a guy who didn’t want to marry you? Did it really not ever occur to you that things could fall apart? And then once you realized he didn’t want to marry, it seems you would’ve taken advantage of the free time and got a degree so that you had something to fall back on.

 

I guess I just have trouble understanding why people think relationships are so permanent that they don’t need to do anything to cover themselves. All evidence points to the fact that there’s a 50/50 chance of it falling apart.

Edited September 9, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Happy Lemming]

I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts, your common law husband already consulted an attorney. I'll bet it was discussed when he filed for bankruptcy.

 

The fact that he is posting on social media means (to me) he isn't worried about you attempting to come after him, because he knows he is in the clear. In my opinion, if he thought there was some potential liability he would keep a low profile.

 

There may have been some long term planning on his part to extricate himself from the relationship with you, unscathed. The fact that he has two children with this other woman speaks volumes!! Do you know the ages of the children?? Did you just recently find out about the "secret family"??

 

I imagine his allegiance would be to the mother of his children. He has a moral and financial obligation to raise his children. The two of you had no children.

 

Like others have posted, time to seek employment and start your new life.

 

Best of luck...

 

Just my two cents.

[FMW]

It sounds like the bankruptcy was just for his debts and only looked at his assets, otherwise you would have been required to sign documents. It seems that your name was never on any property, bank accounts, credit cards, etc.

 

If he was the sole income provider and you have no written documentation memorializing any financial agreements, then you most likely have no legal rights to anything from him. Morally, sure, you can make the case he should have given you a heads up that he wasn't going to continue supporting you, but as the others have pointed out, you are an adult.

 

It was and is your responsibility to take care of yourself. That includes being aware and involved with the personal financial business - how much money comes in, how much goes out and to where, etc. It seems you let your partner have sole responsibility for taking care of you. That's never a good idea, but it's a horrible idea when you have no legal protection (i.e. a legal marriage).

 

As others have said, check with an attorney to make sure, but it's unlikely you have any legal recourse.

 

Start working towards independence. Get a job and work your way into something that can eventually support you fully. You are very fortunate to have parents to take you during this time, but don't see it as a permanent solution. No one else, including your parents, are responsible for taking care of you.

 

Stop seeing yourself as a victim and use this as a wake up call. You'll feel much better about yourself and life in general when you gain some independence.

 

In any future relationship do not give your power away - do not be dependent on a man financially and do not let him make important decisions for you like whether or not you work. Be involved and pay close attention to what is going on, not only financially as I already mentioned, but emotionally. There surely were clues along the way that your partner was involved with more than just business with his PA if two children have been born.

[Happy Lemming]

...Get a job and work your way into something that can eventually support you fully...

 

It just occurred to me this may be easier said than done. This individual has a 17 year hole in her resume'...

 

I've been told that a lot of employers will reject any resume'(s) with a six month or longer hole.

 

OP is facing a HUGE uphill battle.

[FMW]

It will most certainly be a minimum wage job, to start. So the first job isn't going to be the one to support her, but give her the stepping stone to start moving up. It obviously will take some time, but you have to start somewhere.

 

Maybe friends or family can help locate a job through someone they know.

[Artdeco]

I am sorry you are in this situation. That must be really hard to deal with.

 

Without a contract whatsoever, while you were living together without being married, I don't think you have any right to receive alimony, or a lump sum payout, or anything......BUT that's just my guess. You need to consult with a lawyer to find out; however, if this involves a lenghty court process, you might not be able to afford that, either.

 

It might be a risk to go after him, if in the end, you might lose, after investing in lawyers and court fees. I'd say consult with an attorney, then go from there.

 

Emotionally, that's a whole different ballgame. It will take time to recover from this. Hugs!

[Art_Critic]

Nobody here can tell you what you get, each country and each state is different in their laws that concerns common law or domestic partnerships.

 

You MUST go get some legal representation, child support and many other things are on the table..

 

Go get a lawyer... now....

 

Didn't mean to add in the child support, but still believe you should seek help, after that many years if where you live sees a domestic partnership then at the very least you could recover some alimony till you get back on your feet.

 

I would also start working on becoming a self sufficient person as well, accept the hurt he has caused you, place it and move on from it.. you are going to have to dig deep..

[Happy Lemming]

I'm making the assumption that the children in the "secret family" are minors...

 

If the OP does get her complaint in front of a judge for some type of common law spousal maintenance, her ex is going to show he is caring for two minor children. The courts have a tendency to side with care of minor children and will want the majority of his paycheck to go for that. The amount OP may secure would be reduced because of the minor children involved.

 

Just my opinion, based on my observations in other cases with minor children.

[preraph]

You're on your own and probably have ruined credit. So to be blunt, what you need to do is get two jobs as soon as possible and start making a living. It takes more than one to live on these days, and especially since you have no hope of getting one good job. You need to get one full-time job anywhere you can fast (you can try the EEOC or employment commission to see if they have any ideas or listings, but it's usually manual labor) and then once you know your hours and days off there, go get a part-time job on your days off and just work and make a living. That's what you have to do.

 

I will make one job suggestion for unskilled, and that is go to the industrial warehouses part of town and just go knocking on doors and ask for an application for warehouse work. I worked in the offices of a big warehouse for a long time, a distribution center, and if you are reliable out in the warehouse stocking or shipping or pulling orders, then you may be moved up into an easier office job. Back when I worked there, we were always hiring and never enough people, and there were a few streets doing the same type business to apply at, so find your industrial area.

 

If you have a degree, you can apply for jobs online, but ridiculously, nearly all of them want a degree, no matter how paltry their job offering is. You need work and lots of it and you need it now, so go find a job.

Edited September 9, 2018 by preraph

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Since you never married, I think you're screwed with regard to getting anything financial.

 

Your only option is to get a job, any job. Work your way up the ladder, save some money, and get on your feet independently.

[preraph]

So here's a great case for making it legal. I know the trend is to not bother to marry anymore, but here's what can happen.

 

Still, OP, you should check your state laws concerning common-law marriage and see if they are recognized and then you'd have to also be in one of the only couple of states that still does alimony. But even so, you're going to need jobs fast.

[Laura79]

So Dad spoke to people he knows and like everyone has said I have no claim for anything. I think the law is BS but you live and learn I guess. I guess I'll just have to get them in others ways. I'm sure she'd love to know some of the he made me do and I could always tell him of her Vegas sex romp. She begged me not to tell as it would make her look bad in her bosses eyes. Now I know the truth.

 

We never married because frankly marriage is not something I believe in, it's just a piece of paper. It doesn't make people love each other any more or less.

 

Her kids are 12 and 7. I loved these kids. I would often care for them when she was away on work. How stupid I must have looked to them. I can't even get my head around why he was even with me. It seems I was just a convenient pawn for him to live out his desires before he left for her.

 

So I need to find a job as everyone keeps telling me. Before we met and I stopped working I had started an apprenticeship as an electrician. Dad is still friends with this guy and thinks he might give me another chance. I wont lie, working scares me, it's been a long time.

 

I was a bit out if it yesterday, I think I cam across a bit harsh, sorry. I just want him to at least say sorry for using me up and spitting me out. And for her to say sorry for pretending to be my friend while she was playing house with my husband. I know that wont happen but it would help. I did so many things for him and it looks like none of it was ever real for him.

 

I'm in a better place than I was yesterday. Baby steps as they say and I'll make it. Anyway thank you all for telling it straight. Don't stop that.