Husband left. What do I do now?

[bathtub-row]

I guess now you get the importance of a marriage certificate. It also gives spouses legal rights to other things - such as emergency medical treatment, etc. It’s not just a piece of paper to prove your love. It’s a piece of paper that makes the two of you a unit in the eyes of the law. I’m still not sure I’d take heresay as gospel on this subject. Just to be certain, I’d recommend that you talk to an attorney who deals with family law where you resided with your ex.

 

You might want to hold off on this idea of getting revenge. It just puts you at a lower level. It’s not about them, it’s about your personal ethics. He knows what he did and she knows what she did. Let their little lies and deceits weave themselves into their lives and rip at their souls. Believe me, you don’t have to lift a finger in order for that to happen. As a matter of fact, your silence will unnerve them.

[stillafool]

Why can't I go after her? What if her bought her a car? Paid for all of or some of her home? He was just setting up her life, his life, for their future together. That money should have been ours. Maybe then we wouldn't have faced bankruptcy. I just feel like that money that went to her is rightfully mine (or half mine half his).

 

But you were not married to him. Therefore that money was his to do as he pleases. That's the problem with not being married in your situation. Why do you call him your husband if you don't believe in marriage?

Edited September 10, 2018 by stillafool

[shellybing]

Where do I start. Was married (common law marriage) 17 years. Was a stay at home wife. Husband had a high flying job often travelling. He has a secret family with his PA and has left me for them. I don’t know what to do now.

 

To expand a bit, we had faced some financial difficulties and declared bankruptcy. Just as that was finalized he told me he was leaving me for his PA. They have two kids together. We don’t have any as a childhood illness left me unable.

 

What do I do now? I have no money. I have no work skills. I’m living back with parents and although I’d like it be temporary I can’t see my situation improving. He has no assets for me to go after.

 

Can I go after her money? Surely my ex gave her some. I feel so useless. I feel foolish. I think of the times I cooked for both of them and they’d sit at my table when they got home from a long week travelling for work. They must have been laughing at me as they really spent the whole week ****ing.

 

Even his facebook posts are insulting. Announcing that he’s finally with his true love. He moves into a nice house with a nice car and has a partner and still has his job. I’m left with no money, no job and no hope for the future. Who would want a 39 year old broke woman with no prospects?

 

I deserve to walk away with something. I don’t know whether he set this bankruptcy thing up. If he did how can I prove it? I don’t have money to hire people. It’s just not fair. He has treated me like garbage and walked away with a new life. What do I get? Where’s my future? I have nothing to look forward to. Honestly I feel like what’s the point. I might as well just give up.

 

And words of wisdom appreciated. How do I get my life on track after this? Where do I even start?

 

Find a good job that you can do sitting down, go back to school, find a trade and a hobby. If you don't have any money, you can find a hobby you can do at home like sewing or drawing. Meet people, take your self out. Treat yourself, take care of yourself, go to the spa, buy some new makeup, invest all of your time and money into your new self and life, and move on. Show the world who you are, and be yourself. heal. date, and date alot! even if it's just for practice. Talk to everyone, compliment them, and then compliment yoruself just as much.

 

It's not worth the time, money, and stress to go after them for anything.

You will look like the crazy one intruding on their family (I know that is wrong, but that is what they will say)

 

Love yourself, and find your own way.

 

Good luck to you, and much love.

[Happy Lemming]

So I need to find a job as everyone keeps telling me. Before we met and I stopped working I had started an apprenticeship as an electrician. Dad is still friends with this guy and thinks he might give me another chance. I wont lie, working scares me, it's been a long time.

 

I think working as an electrician is a great idea!! Did you like it when you were an apprentice??

 

Today is the first day of the rest of your life...

 

Best of luck!!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm in a better place than I was yesterday. Baby steps as they say and I'll make it. Anyway thank you all for telling it straight. Don't stop that.

 

Glad to see you’re coming around. Forget about revenge scenarios or other time-wasting efforts, plenty on your plate. Your whole life is in front of you and, in your late 30’s, not even half over yet.

 

You kept house for him for 17 years, he supported you. At best, you’re even...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

We never married because frankly marriage is not something I believe in, it's just a piece of paper. It doesn't make people love each other any more or less.

 

Marriage is "just a piece of paper" until the relationship ends, and then you are left with nothing...

 

Good luck with the job. It's good that you have your parents to rely on, but you will need to learn to support yourself now...

Edited September 10, 2018 by BaileyB

[HiCrunchy]

OP do you know if he is married to this other woman? you were with him 17 years but her oldest child is 12.Just a thought that crossed my mind because 17 years is a long time not to be married.

 

I think after 4 years of dating, marriage and the legal protection becomes more important because it looks like the relationship is passing 0 - 3 year mark where most people break up and moving into that point where protections like this are needed as ur lives are more involved. Marriage is not just paper.

 

Or always have a job so u arent ever left in the dust.

 

Tho skipping a wedding, to each their own that lol

Edited September 10, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[FMW]

The electrician apprenticeship sounds great! That will likely lead to much better money than other entry level jobs.

 

Your last post sounds so much better than the opening one, you seem to have found hope and motivation. I'm sure re-entering the work force is scary after all this time, but keep a positive and receptive attitude.

 

This is the start of your new life, so make the most of it. Focusing on that will also help you to not obsess over what happened. Spending even one second contemplating revenge, much less acting on it, will only hold you back and slow down your progress in moving forward. Karma or fate or whatever you believe in will take care of them. You have better things to do!

[Laura79]

I wouldn't know if he was married to her. Probably. It wouldn't surprise me. Everything else was a lie so why not that as well.

 

I am still conflicted though. One moment I just want to forget about them and concentrate on me but the next I think how great revenge would be. I really do have so much dirt on them both which I have a feeling they don't know about each other. Then I think about the kids. I don't want the kids living in a toxic environment I've created, they have it bad enough already with a couple of parents like that. But revenge... I want to hurt him so bad.

 

Anyway I have a job interview today. It's really just a formality. From what Dad has said he was disappointed when I left last time and just wants to make sure it wont happen again. I am very nervous. At least something is going right.

[Happy Lemming]

Anyway I have a job interview today. It's really just a formality..

 

This is great news!! Who knows, maybe one day you could have your own small electric repair company...

 

A little story of encouragement.... As my parents aged, my father could no longer do the little "home repair" projects around the house. They searched for a "Handy-Man" and located a woman that provides the exact service they needed. She has some cute name for her company "Handy-Woman... something"; the name escapes me right now. But the point is, she re-invented herself, started a company and is providing a service. My father tells me she is quite busy.

 

With some hard work, there is no reason why you can't be successful in your electrical field. GO FOR IT!!

 

Again, best of luck with interview. I hope you are able to start work the next day and begin your new journey.

Edited September 11, 2018 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[stillafool]

Good luck about the job since you think you already have it. Learning something new and keeping busy is the best way to get over your ex. Also working and earning will raise your self esteem. Lucky for you you don't have the luxury of sitting around plotting against them. It's not worth it. It's best to just move on like you're doing.

 

Your ex boyfriend must have been cheating on you with this woman all along if they have a 12 and 4 year old together. He has had a family since your 5th year with him so this must not be anything new to you. I don't see why you wouldn't have seen this coming that he would leave for her. He's been seeing her all along.

Edited September 11, 2018 by stillafool

[Mittens]

If you are left in a position where you have no assets, no job, and no marketable skills - that is your fault, not his.

You chose to rely on a man who has proven untrustworthy. What he did was horrible, but you have some responsibility in the decision to give up your financial independence to stay at home and live the life of luxury for the last 17 years. You put all your eggs in one basket and now, you find yourself in a tough situation.

 

This is exactly what my mother did. She knew from very early on in their marriage that my father was bad with money and would not be faithful to her... but as he was a very high earner she put up with it. He also would not 'let' her work - even though he worked abroad most of the time from when I was 10 and there was nothing to stop her getting even a part time job.

 

Like this guy, my father waited until my younger brother was 18 and then he went off with his other woman (who he has now been married to longer than he was to my mother). My mother had not worked for 20 years - she was 47 and had no choice but to get a job. It took 3 years for family home to be sold and once the mortgage and penalty charges had been paid she got very little of the equity left...

 

Even being married, once all the children were legally adults left my mother entitled to very little. Even before my parents split I never believed her story that my father didn't 'let' my mother work - she just didn't want to, and bought fully into the very 50s idea that a husband should always financially support his wife...even after divorce. The law soon disabused her of that idea...

[d0nnivain]

Congrats on the job interview. Your dad sounds like a peach. You are lucky to have him.

 

Take that job. You should be back on your financial feet shortly but it will be a real wake up. I think you can do it!

 

Enjoy all the revenge fantasies you are having. I have indulged in many over the years. However you can't ACT on any of them. They have to stay in the realm of fantasy. Take the high road. Let Karma get them.

 

Keep us posted.

[BaileyB]

Regarding the revenge fantasies, let them just be that - fantasies.

 

You have a decision to make - take the high road, or take the low road. Whatever you decide will be a reflection of your true character.

[Redhead14]

Great. So I get nothing. What's the point of even trying to build a happy loving home if this can happen? I guess I'll just become a hooker or just check out altogether. Clearly I am not worth a cent after 17 years, just thrown on the scrapheap and left to rot while he has his new happy loving home.

 

Laura, I'm sorry this happened to you, but I am going to take you by the shoulders and look you in the eyes: I understand you are angry. However, now is not the time to start being all "victim-y". The situation was what it was and without that piece of paper, you don't have much recourse.

 

Use the anger you have to pull up your big girl pants and focus on what you need to do for yourself. Get up, find a job, any job just to get going and at least put that anger to a proactive use. You cannot afford to sit back and wallow right now. Take some time here and there to grieve, of course, but don't fall into that pit of despair. I can almost promise you if you take some power back for yourself by being more proactive and getting yourself on the road to independence, you will find yourself to be a strong, secure woman in your own right. It's way overdue, dear. And, don't ever lose yourself in another relationship again. Always maintain some of your independence.

 

It's very easy to get comfortable with that victim mentality but that is what will hold you back -- "comfort is the enemy of progress". P.T. Barnum supposedly said that. He had a circus, his life turned into a circus and he turned both into the Greatest Show On Earth. Be P.T.

Edited September 12, 2018 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

One more thing . . . Hurricane Florence is going to leave a lot of people wearing the same shoes you are . . . starting over. It can be done.

[vla1120]

I wouldn't know if he was married to her. Probably. It wouldn't surprise me. Everything else was a lie so why not that as well.

 

I am still conflicted though. One moment I just want to forget about them and concentrate on me but the next I think how great revenge would be. I really do have so much dirt on them both which I have a feeling they don't know about each other. Then I think about the kids. I don't want the kids living in a toxic environment I've created, they have it bad enough already with a couple of parents like that. But revenge... I want to hurt him so bad.

 

Anyway I have a job interview today. It's really just a formality. From what Dad has said he was disappointed when I left last time and just wants to make sure it wont happen again. I am very nervous. At least something is going right.

 

Do not act on those fantasies. Nothing you can do to them will fix what has happened to you. Besides, their behavior is just this side of evil and I believe in Karma. They'll get their kick in the a$$, trust me. (Once a cheater, always a cheater. Just remember that.)

 

If you want revenge, go get this job, hone your skills as an electrician, and start pulling down the big bucks in a business of your own. You are YOUNG and should take some time to concentrate on yourself, now. Especially after spending the past 17 years being what someone else wanted you to be. I have always been the main breadwinner and that is how I raised my daughters. I've made some poor relationship decisions in my life, but have always been able to walk away or kick them to the curb and come out unscathed financially (except for my first husband getting 50% of my pension when I retire....guess who may never retire!?)

 

Again - absolutely no contact - you don't need EITHER of them in your life and you have nothing to gain by outing the skeletons in their closets (other than looking like a bitter ex-lover.) Now it's YOUR turn to go out and build the life you have always wanted for yourself. Best of luck.

[Laura79]

So I got the job. Well I'm smart enough to know Dad got me the job. Either way I am starting on Monday. Does anyone know what a good pay rate is? I was told I'd be getting $25 an hour but I will also get a van after Christmas when one of the guys is leaving. Is that rate ok?

 

I feel much more positive now. The thoughts of wanting to hurt him seem a distant memory. I'm more important than him so I focus on me.

 

I know this will sound a tad trivial, and I guess in the grand scheme of things it is, but I miss sex. I mean I really do. Need to find myself a boy toy

[Laura79]

Sorry. After reading that last post of mine back it was a bit of a mish-mash of ideas and random thoughts. Some things are better left unsaid.

[d0nnivain]

$25 per hour for somebody who has been out of the labor force as long as you have with no employment tract record is outstanding!

 

Do whatever you have to in order to earn the respect of your father & your new boss.

 

You are on your way to independence!

 

I suspect that as horrible as the break up was / is, in 5 years you will look back & realize it was one of the best things that ever happened to you.

[bathtub-row]

That is a fantastic salary! Count your lucky stars and be sure to thank your dad, if you haven’t already. Take him to dinner or buy him a gift when you get your feet on the ground. Save your money and pay cash for a used van if you can pull it off. The last thing you need to do is acquire debt. If you have to, fine, but try to avoid it. Debt a trap.

 

Btw, if you were looking for revenge, this is the perfect avenue. Succeeding in the midst of your ex’s actions. You’ve landed flat on your feet!!!

[JuneL]

I’m sure you’d feel empowered once you’re on track with your job. Then you might be asking what was I thinking to have wasted 17 years of my precious life with such a jerk?!

[Mr. Lucky]

I was told I'd be getting $25 an hour but I will also get a van after Christmas when one of the guys is leaving. Is that rate ok?

 

Unless you'll be living in midtown Manhattan or renting in the SF Bay area, that's a great start.

 

You should take some pride in getting up off the mat and taking the first steps forward. Just make sure you avoid the usual hazards of tequila, social media stalking and ill-advised rebound relationships...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Laura79]

Very nervous about this job. It's all happened so fast I'm not sure I'm ready. I keep thinking I'm going to make stupid mistakes because I'm so nervous.

[Mr. Lucky]

You will make mistakes, that's how you learn. Pay attention during the training, they're not going to have you work on your own until you're ready for liability reasons. And careful observance on the life/safety stuff, I have a very healthy respect for electricity...

 

Mr. Lucky