Self esteem always in the crapper?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Example, a couple years ago I managed to get a medical license in a professional field, I got hired at a very good company and I still feel like everyone else is better then me. Every time I make a mistake, I tear myself to pieces My dad was extremely critical of me all the time, thinking it was all for the best. He exaggerated a lot, saying how I would end up morbidly obese (no weight issues ever, normal weight for my height), that I would start doing drugs cause my life is so bad (have never done any drugs, nor do I plan to), he judged my looks despite me never bragging about them and would harp on mistakes for years.

 

I'm still extremely insecure about my body and looks, even though I have a bf who adores me. I really don't know what to do because no matter how much I do and where I get, I will always feel down on myself. I'm not against discipline, just against a parent being super negative. Instead of encouraging me, most times my parents would see negatives in my choices. One time I decided to take a class that piqued my interest. This class was not a major class or gen ed, just out of curiosity. It did not interfere w/my major classes, but my dad really tried to discourage me from taking it. I ended up not liking the class, but I was glad I took it. I struggle w/finding passion or motivation due to such negative reactions to what I enjoyed doing.

Edited September 9, 2018 by I'veseenbetterlol

[Garcon1986]

Do you think your successes are so unworthy?

[Fearless Motivation]

hmm... I am sorry to hear that. Yeah, bad parenting is the worst that can happen in life, we gain deeply rooted flaws that are only very difficult to fight, if even.

 

My advice here would be to go see a therapist or better, several of them until you find the one that is really helpful. With all seriousness, you are fighting deep rooted issue here, not just a minor annoyance that will be healed by holidays and bottle of Champagne with strawberries . This will take months, years or maybe ever...

 

Meanwhile, maybe you want to start reading some self improvement books? I kinda feel random spray and pray advice might come in vain here...

[d0nnivain]

I have similar issues about feeling unworthy. I am very hard on myself. My parents were super critical about my grades growing up. There was getting 100% or there was disappointing them; less than a 95% was failure. I got a 92% on a big a test once & the teacher caught me trying to slit my wrists in the school bathroom in grade school!

 

I am much kinder to strangers. My therapists keep trying to teach me to treat myself with the same understanding & compassion I show to others. It's not easy but when you make a mistake imagine the advice you would give a friend or even a LS poster if that person told you the same story. Then try to treat yourself that gently.

 

Over the years I have at least intellectually come to understand that my parents did what they did because they loved me. They were trying to motivate me & they did what they did in the hopes of pushing me forward. Knowing that in my brain doesn't always allow me to feel it but it helps soften the self criticism. In addition when I start to feel like how can this other person especially a man like me when I'm so [fill in negative harsh criticism] I try to take a deep breath, remind myself that he's generally a smart discerning person so if he found me worthy, there must be something good about me even if I can't see it at that moment.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

hmm... I am sorry to hear that. Yeah, bad parenting is the worst that can happen in life, we gain deeply rooted flaws that are only very difficult to fight, if even.

 

My advice here would be to go see a therapist or better, several of them until you find the one that is really helpful. With all seriousness, you are fighting deep rooted issue here, not just a minor annoyance that will be healed by holidays and bottle of Champagne with strawberries . This will take months, years or maybe ever...

 

Meanwhile, maybe you want to start reading some self improvement books? I kinda feel random spray and pray advice might come in vain here...

 

I don't find therapists all that helpful. This is a very deep rooted issue and I'm afraid it'll always lurk around.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Do you think your successes are so unworthy?

 

That's what I feel cause I feel like other people (sibling, friends etc) are doing way better then me.

[johan]

You need to decide whether you fundamentally even like yourself. I mean, if you got to know your clone, same age, look, job, attitude, etc. what would you say to that person? What would you say if that person complained of low self-esteem and feelings of failure in spite of what looks like pretty good success? Would you say, "no doubt about it, you're a failure, good for nothing, etc."? Probably not. You would point out that things look pretty good and would recommend your clone not be so hard on herself, and I'm sure it would be sincere. If you would be willing to say that to that person, and mean it, then why not to yourself?

 

Even if little thought experiments like this don't make a difference, sooner or later you'll just get tired of feeling like crap all the time. You'll decide to live the life that satisfies you, and not the one you think your parents would be happy with. It takes a little courage. In the end it's more important to have your parents' respect than their approval. Or if you can't have either, then you must have your own respect (I started by respecting my clone).

[Fearless Motivation]

I don't find therapists all that helpful. This is a very deep rooted issue and I'm afraid it'll always lurk around.

 

 

if they won't help who else?... Like, I don't want to underestimate you, but are you strong enough you can deal with it by yourself? I don't have the impression of you... what you wrote sounds like some nasty azz rooted belief.

 

Just think of it. If years will pass and no improvement, reevaluate it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't find therapists all that helpful. This is a very deep rooted issue and I'm afraid it'll always lurk around.

 

That statement is inherently contradictory. Some form of therapy - and there are many - is the only way to come to terms with your faulty belief system. And your casual dismissal is just another symptom of your problem.

 

Unless you’re happy with the way things are now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Fearless Motivation]

That statement is inherently contradictory. Some form of therapy - and there are many - is the only way to come to terms with your faulty belief system. And your casual dismissal is just another symptom of your problem.

 

Unless you’re happy with the way things are now?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

agree. Maybe some people imagine "therapy" as some mumbo jumbo group brainwashing where they hold their hands and sing kumbaya.

 

I tried cognitive behavioral therapy, what is nothing else than asking right question and finding answers. Nothing spiritual or even... obscure. such as "|I have low self esteem". "OK, when do you feel this self esteem? What do you think of yourself? What are your toughts? What do you think causes them? What can you do to stop feeling like that? What will be the first step? What will be second? What will be your plan for next month?"... It is exactly the same as any other rational problem solving, such as in management, IT, science, wherever. If you are unable to do this, you either need some... hypnotists who will do it for you, or you are lost cause.

[KatCha]

The last time I looked, there was no law written in stone (except for one, perhaps, from long ago...) that said a person had to be raised, or born, or self-made into a certain form of human in this life. We are all unique because of our paths, intrinsic qualities, and insecurities and strengths. Being a parent is tough. All I ever want to do is just to love and give my child happy moments and help him grow up strong and smart and kind, but life intervenes with everybody else's problems and insecurities and not everyday is what I would have hoped to have offered...at least it seems to have preceded that way so far...your worry over your father at least kept you out of trouble and worrying over far worse in life. Maybe it isn't so bad that he occupied your thoughts so much. Better to fill your head with your family who I am sure, loves you deep down, or wouldn't push you so hard because they know what the world is like. I am not saying it is right. There is a component to a human being that yearns for more than just reason.