Saying Sorry Before Understanding The Issue

[Maxpower3979]

Situation:

My wife says "Why did you do that?" in an accusatory way, but I do not understand why she is unhappy about what I've done, or possibly, do not understand what I have done.

 

Method #1: 1st Understand (then apologize)

I cannot say I'm sorry yet because I don't know what happened. I cannot regret something if I don't know what that something is. By better understanding why I have upset her, I can better prevent this situation in the future. I ask questions, and explain my thoughts so that we understand what each person said, heard, and thought. Assuming it is my fault, I can then apologize.

 

Method #2: 1st Apologize (then understand)

I might not know what has happened, or might not know how my actions have caused this, but I do know for sure that I've hurt her feelings. I should say I'm sorry. Perhaps I can't fix this situation immediately, and perhaps she doesn't need me to do so, but at the very least, she needs acknowledgement that I understand that she is upset. After that, we can talk and figure out what exactly happened.

 

Discussion...

I'm thinking of trying the "1st apologize" approach after a recent issue arose regarding my actions. My wife said "Why did you do that?". While I began piecing together what happened, my wife already felt I was wrong. Every moment I spent explaining myself and asking what she thought had happened was a moment in which I was not apologizing, and from her perspective, I was defending my actions. Eventually, she attributed my lack of an apology to my actions being intentional, and concluded that I am selfish. Now I'm upset at being called selfish and both of us are unhappy.

 

I had misheard her say "your" instead of "our", which led to my false assumption that she had already done something, leading me to believe she was asking me to do something alone instead of with her. Ideally, I would have immediately realized this, and would have apologized for my misunderstanding and my false assumption. However, I'd gladly settle for my own immediate, semi-confused apology if that's what keeps us from being upset.

 

Thoughts about pros and cons of each method?

In what situations should each be used?

Is there something else I'm totally missing?

[FMW]

I would prefer method 1. Ask what she means/why she is asking it in that way and then respond.

 

Method 2 would be a meaningless apology to me and possibly even make me more annoyed if I was already bugged by whatever you did (or thought you did). It's possible after she explains why she's upset and you then make an informed response that no apology is necessary anyway.

 

Method 2 might also encourage similar situations in the future if she is just being unfairly critical.

[basil67]

I'm trying to understand the context here. You could be sitting quietly with a coffee and your wife will say "why did you do that?" with no context whatsoever. It sounds very strange, so I want to confirm that I understand it correctly. If her comments are completely without context, I'd respond with "what are we talking about?"

 

If this isn't what's happening, then some examples of things you've done which elicited this response would be handy.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm trying to understand the context here.

 

Almost impossible to respond without understanding the issue in question.

 

If it was "why'd you put a second teaspoon of sugar in your coffee", I'd explain.

 

If it was "why'd you get drunk and make a pass at my sister", I'd apologize early and often.

 

Not sure one size fits all...

 

Mr. Lucky

[todreaminblue]

i apologise as soon as i know i have hurt someone.....if i realize that i have hurt someone or made them uncomfortable....then an apology is due whether im right or wrong and whther i understand completely or not...doesnt matter.......not getting sorry's from experience.....hurts more....makes you feel....unimportant and ...unworthy of respect..a true sorry...is a form of respect.....and due to those who are hurt and wounded.....by your actions or words.....not a lot of people will probably agree with me...but its my belief...and I stand true to that belief........deb

Edited September 12, 2018 by todreaminblue

[Maxpower3979]

Possible contexts, arranged worst to best:

 

1. I've intentionally hurt her, and know how...muahaha (Not ever happening)

2. I suspect I've hurt her, but don't understand how yet

3. I've hurt her, but I am unaware of how

4. Something has hurt her, but I disagree that I am the cause

5. Something has hurt her, but I can immediately show that I am not the cause

6. She is mistaken, and upon realizing that, she is not hurt anymore

 

I suspect I should apologize first for #2, and understand later. Obviously I should understand (or explain) first for #5 and #6. What about #3 and #4?

There will be situations that I think are a #5, but then I start talking and realize it was a #3 and now I wish I had apologized. I want to acknowledge her feelings, improve my own behavior, and learn what really happened...but it seems like these goals are at times in contrast with each other.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to acknowledge her feelings, improve my own behavior, and learn what really happened...but it seems like these goals are at times in contrast with each other.

 

On the infrequent occasions where we do argue, my wife will often say "I'm sorry you're angry" or "I feel badly you're upset". Doesn't mean she agrees with whatever conclusion I've drawn or interpretation I've made, but it's an olive branch that can start a more constructive dialog.

 

I think the danger comes from looking to "win" these arguments. Rarely happens and often comes at a price...

 

Mr. Lucky