5 months. She has moved on but not me

[Borntoelevate]

Thank you guys for the kind words. I wrote the post above before bed. Eventually I fell asleep and started dreaming that I met the sister of my ex. She snuck me into her house that my ex stays in and hid me under a blanket in my exes room. A little while passed and my ex came in with her new boyfriend and after a bit of verbal banter between them, she lifted the blanket and saw me. The dream was so clear. I remember that my ex seemed a title chubbier than I remember her (she is a slim Vietnamese - 45kg, but for some reason her cheeks had puffed up a little in my dream). Her new bf was uglier than me. My ex was shocked to see me but soon calmed down and we went for a walk.

 

During the walk, I showed her my wrists that I tried to slit (I didn’t in real life but in my dream I had tried). I cried and told her how much I missed her during all these months. She pitied me but we never got to the point in our conversation of whether we would get back together. Then I woke up.

 

My heart ached so much when I woke up. I am now writing this post whilst in bed, having just woken up. I am so sorry for being negative, but I really don’t see how things can get better. I’ve been through this heart ache a million times now. I’ve had dreams a few months back and thought they would be over (and I was hoping so much they would be over since you can’t control the dreams and thus the emotions when you wake up). I seem to keep going through hell again and again.

 

She was perfect but I was immature. I thought she was holding me back in life but that was really just me. I wasn’t mature enough to see my confidence and development weren’t held back because I couldn’t go out anymore, but rather I was just not being proactive enough with doing self improvement activities. I didn’t realise how much I loved her at the time. She was ready to get married, to get serious and settle down but I was too immature to see it.

 

I know there is absolutely no chance of getting back with her. She loves this new guy (even if he was initially a rebound). I will NEVER find someone as good as her again. I will have to lower my standards if I plan to find a girl. At this point I do have girls interested in me but I am not physically attracted to them.

 

A little about me:

- I am 32

- Asian male

- 168cm height

- Very physically fit (six pack)

- Financially very stable (house/car etc.)

- Good supportive loving family

- Good job (finance consultant)

- I think physically attractive?

 

I write the above not to boast but I realise right now I am extremely low in my confidence. I really believe I am garbage and no one girl to my standards would ever want me, so I am trying to create a more unbiased perspective.

 

I don’t want to go through another year of pain with these ups and downs. I occasionally see a therapist and I do talk to my parents frequently about how I am going, but nothing ever helps. As I said in my previous posts, I go out, try to meet new people, do online dating etc. but to no avail.

 

If my ex happens to read this (which she won’t since she has completely forgotten about me and is in love with a new guy), “I am so so so sorry. I know you hate me and I hate myself. Please know that I pray to God for forgiveness, for a second chance to be happy again, for I know I have sinned with you. You have had the biggest impact on my life to date. Please be safe, please be happy with your new partner, but importantly, please please forgive me because I can not forgive myself. If I don’t make it, I will see you in heaven, maybe. In my heaven, we would be together forever. I love you.”

Edited September 28, 2018 by Borntoelevate

[CKJD]

Luckily dreams don't have any deep meaning.

 

Your ego is wounded, so it's normal to feel like this but unhealthy to indulge in the thought patterns.

 

Stop comparing yourself to imaginary new boyfriends, stop focusing on how good looking or financially stable you are compared to these phantoms. None of these things matter to her, her new partner or the next woman who will come your way, so you need to get to a place where they don't matter to you. You are more than a six pack. Get your mental health in order and life will improve ten fold.

[Haru-no-yuki]

She was perfecty

 

Yeah, re-read this in a couple of months and you'll realise how chemical changes in your brain can deceive you so well.

 

When I was dumped I also thought she was beautiful and "perfect".I recently looked at a new photo of her on Instagram and thought "meh, lucky escape".

 

As for her new bloke, well it may not seem like it now but he's doing you a favour and helping you move on.

 

You know what they say, to get over someone you need to get under someone .

[Gretchen12]

Add to your list of attributes: emotionally immature.

 

This one shortcoming will ruin relationships and make you miserable. Once you start talking about suicide, you really should have a talk with your therapist.

 

I met this really hot guy, all seemed too good to be true: handsome, smart, attentive, financially sound, fun to be with (initially). He turned out to have the emotional maturity of a 4 year old. Aha! So that's why he's not already taken! Put both of us through hell before I made my exit.

 

Even if your ex comes back now, you're not ready. You can change but you need guidance and you need time.

[MountainGirl111]

Suicide is not the answer to any of this! You have some great attributes and characteristics. I know what it's like to be immature too. Sometimes it's kind of fun, eh?! So then, what is emotional maturity? It's a searching question. When do you know you are emotionally mature? Perhaps it's when you are more complete in yourself and then you're more ready to give to another in a relationship that isn't so selfish. Hang in there. She wasn't perfect. No one is...

[Borntoelevate]

When do you know you are ready to date again? I have a friend that wants to introduce me to a friend of hers. My concern is that any feelings I have for a new girl will be clouded by feelings for my ex (to has now been over 6 months since our break up).

[Borntoelevate]

How does one maintain NC (including no stalking on Facebook) when you have no self control?

 

I stalked my exes’ sister on Facebook to see if there were any clues on who the new guy my ex is dating is (my ex has kept everything on her Facebook and Instagram private and hasn’t updated any of her profile pictures, I suspect so as not to reveal who her bf is to me or any of her past 7 exes). I didn’t find any clues but I did see a day old selfie of my exes’ sister taken in the bedroom of my ex. My ex has a head board on top of her bed where she has photo frames. She used to put our photos in there until we broke up and she removed them (so they were empty photo frames when we finished 6 months ago). From that selfie photo, I can’t make out clearly who is in the new photos, but I can very roughly (if I zoom in) see a couple (not sure if a guy and a girl or what but I assume it’s my ex and her new bf) in two frames. The people appear quite intimate. The rest of the photo frames (6 in total) appear empty still.

 

Just from this alone, I haven’t been able to sleep the entire night. The break up was over six months ago damn it! Why am I still stalking her like this? I’ve dated several other women, but I still have a tender heart for my ex that obviously has the potential to be very disabling. Why does she still have such a dramatic effect in my mind?

 

I thought breaking NC in the form of stalking would do no harm but it obviously has. Why do I have no self control? She obviously doesn’t want to speak to me anymore. She broke it off and moved on within 1.5 months (with what I thought was a rebound given she moved on so quickly but now I suspect she was talking to this new guy behind my back a few weeks before our break up).

 

I am very motivated in everything else in my life and have extreme self control. But when it comes to my ex and no stalking, I crumble (I haven’t made actual contact with her, only stalking).

 

I just want to move on so badly but each time I manage a sustained period of NC (longest has been 4 weeks), my curiosity gets the better of me and I stalk again. I also reason with myself “I am doing good now, surely a little peak will do no harm”. I also think to myself “maybe if I make contact she will take me back.” So far each time I’ve gone down this path, I get hurt. I am almost starting to wonder if my mind actually wants to get hurt, but I think it’s more my mind rationalising that it doesn’t want to leave any stone unturned (ie. it wants to make sure that any possibility of getting back with my ex has been explored). So as a result after each month I think “maybe NOW my ex would be willing to get back together”.

 

My parents tell me I am crazy for even wanting to get back with her. When we broke up, I begged her (got down on my hands and knees and begged) to take me back. I did this twice and also sent her money ($1,000) because she said I was stingy. In truth the money was also to repay her for a computer we bought together but I gave her $200 extra. I also gave her my credit card. None of this she returned (that credit card is now cancelled). I also sent her numerous letters by mail. My parents say I have no pride. They say that I begged her on my hands and knees like she was a God and I cried in front of her like a baby, but she still looked at me stone cold faced and said no. They ask me where my pride is, where my self esteem is. I have another friend who told me not to be ‘one of those guys’. He said the fact that I begged is demeaning yet she still was very cold.

 

A month after our break up my parents also went to see her and asked if she would take me back. She cried but still said no. She said she was “relieved” our relationship was over. I know for sure I wasn’t the best boyfriend (that’s why in my first post I mention I left the relationship with a lot of guilt) but I didn’t think I did such a bad job for her to seemingly hate me so much. As I mentioned before, given her upbringing she has the ability to ‘turn off’ emotions to others. She is insecure and needs a boyfriend but she can turn off feelings for people and summon hatred towards them (she did that to her biological mum who was abusive and she has done it to me). I don’t even remember her hating any of her other exes that much. I can’t know for sure, but I think she has used hate to get over me. She has a soft heart and probably wanted to end the relationship earlier but was struggling because she loved me. So by the end, she channelled her love into hate. I think the intensity of her hate reflects how much she actually loved me. I don’t know for sure but this explanation is one of the only ones that actually make sense.

 

I am still struggling and it’s over 6 months. Why am I still so emotional over her?

 

At least what I know so far though, is she hasn’t moved in with the new guy yet. I really shouldn’t even care at this point though, and this is what is bothering me... the fact that I still care this much. Shouldn’t I be naturally just moving on by now? Shouldn’t the passage of time itself made me just not care (or not care this much)? What is wrong with me?

Edited October 7, 2018 by Borntoelevate

[Haru-no-yuki]

She probably isn't giving you a single thought during the day so you should also not care what she is doing day to day.

 

I'm similar to you, almost five months on and occasionally looked at her Instagram and seeing photos of her with my ex colleague looking all loved up.

 

Pictures are just a momentary snapshot and don't reflect her life. So like me, even if you saw a happy picture of your ex with her new bloke it doesn't mean anything about how they are on a daily basis.

 

So my ex looks loved up in the photo. Maybe they'll get married. Whatever. It doesn't and shouldn't concern me. Besides, they look happy now, who knows how they'll be in 1, 2 or 5 years. Similarly your Facebook stalking is just nonsense and meaningless.

 

I say you should go on as many dates as possible but keep everything non committal for six months or so, so you don't fall into a rebound relationship. Just have fun.

[Borntoelevate]

She probably isn't giving you a single thought during the day so you should also not care what she is doing day to day.

 

I'm similar to you, almost five months on and occasionally looked at her Instagram and seeing photos of her with my ex colleague looking all loved up.

 

Pictures are just a momentary snapshot and don't reflect her life. So like me, even if you saw a happy picture of your ex with her new bloke it doesn't mean anything about how they are on a daily basis.

 

So my ex looks loved up in the photo. Maybe they'll get married. Whatever. It doesn't and shouldn't concern me. Besides, they look happy now, who knows how they'll be in 1, 2 or 5 years. Similarly your Facebook stalking is just nonsense and meaningless.

 

I say you should go on as many dates as possible but keep everything non committal for six months or so, so you don't fall into a rebound relationship. Just have fun.

I agree. Thank you for reminding me that photos are only a snapshot in time. I know, for example, she posted up photos of us when we were together, smiling and all, but in the background, we were fighting a lot (more so in the later half of the relationship). The only difference now is I've seen the photos she has in her room. Those aren't for others to see, just for her eyes only so I don't think those would be 'fake' smiles she puts up there.

 

I also agree that we don't know how she's going to be 1, 2 or 5 years down the track. Relationships end because both parties made mistakes. If she moved on so quickly, she didn't have time to learn/reflect on her mistakes, so she's likely to make them again.

[Haru-no-yuki]

Those aren't for others to see, just for her eyes only so I don't think those would be 'fake' smiles she puts up there.

 

It doesn't even matter whether they are fake smiles or not. Most likely she's applying cognisance dissonance anyhow.

 

For example my ex told my ex colleague and all his friends what a terrible person I was, mostly to convince herself she had made the right decision I guess. She also kept posting pictures of my ex colleague with comments about how nice he was. The facts speak to the contrary. Whilst the ex colleague is not liked at my previous workplace for being untrustworthy, I am well respected.

 

The point, however, is that the truth is not important. What is only important is what your ex convinces herself by taking lots of happy photos with her new squeeze.

 

That then becomes the truth.

[AT15]

You keep reliving the relationship in your mind, that's why you can't get over her.

I am very similar to you. I held on to my ex bf for so long before I gave up. When I finally let it go, he sent me a message. My response to him was to never contact me again. Lol!

 

I bet your slightly controlling and ocd as well. You can't control this. You can't control your emotions, you can't control her emotions, you really can't control anything but your concious response to your day to day thoughts.

 

What you focus on you make important. What's important is what you put your focus on. My acting coach taught me that. It's true. Change your focus.

 

Start with ratios.

For every thought of her. Imagine yourself improving something about you ; career, health, mental health.

Imagine how your life will be if you never thought of her again, imagine how free and happy you will be. Imagine that depressing heaviness is replaced by a light airy spacious giggles and Harmony.

 

Then for every thought of her, imagine two really positive life changes you want to happen. Before you know it, you will have trained your mind to think on a more self "centered" and positive way.

[Borntoelevate]

It doesn't even matter whether they are fake smiles or not. Most likely she's applying cognisance dissonance anyhow.

 

For example my ex told my ex colleague and all his friends what a terrible person I was, mostly to convince herself she had made the right decision I guess. She also kept posting pictures of my ex colleague with comments about how nice he was. The facts speak to the contrary. Whilst the ex colleague is not liked at my previous workplace for being untrustworthy, I am well respected.

 

The point, however, is that the truth is not important. What is only important is what your ex convinces herself by taking lots of happy photos with her new squeeze.

 

That then becomes the truth.

 

This makes a lot of sense. This type of behaviour describes her very accurately. She historically has convinced herself of something despite me knowing (and even trying to advise her) that she should consider otherwise. She is very capable of inducing hate on someone (even though there isn’t much basis to do so, or there is evidence that points to said hate being unjust). She has the ability to ‘cut’ her emotions towards someone (as she did to her drug addict mother and older sister). Simply put, she is very capable of ‘faking it till she makes it’ in regards to relationships (I was her 7th boyfriend when she was 28 yrs old). She has a stubbornness that once she feels hurt by someone, she will see them from the lens of hate and is very determined not to change said lens.

 

The sad thing is that, eventually the faking becomes true (as you mentioned) and she will eventually (and probably has already) formed a genuine love for the new boyfriend despite him not being as suitable for her as me.