Busy Boyfriend. What is normal?

[Jane Deaux]

I have been dating this guy for 7.5 months now. He lives 1.5 hours away.

 

He has a very demanding job. Sometimes are slower than others. When we first met it was during a slower time. There was MUCH more communication and, visits, etc. After a few months his work schedule picked back up and has become really intense in the last two months. Communication has slowed tremendously and visits are only about once a month. He does work weekends as well lately.

He makes an effort to stay in communication every day. He texts when he can and calls most days. However there have been days that he barely speaks, doesn't call and forgets to say goodnight. Is this ok? Normal behavior when someone is consumed with work? My question is, is this enough effort? Am I expecting too much? I am being very patient and understanding of this time in his life and I am not giving him too hard of a time. But I get concerned that he is losing interest. But I may be overreacting. I feel he is consistent in his effort on the days that he is swamped, to at least say hey. I had just gotten used to Good morning and then regular texts throughout the day.

 

I am also afraid that around the time he got busy we have also hit a milestone in the relationship of things calming down from the mad passionate obsessive beginning. And it has coincided with him being busy.

 

I guess I just want to make sure I am being patient for good reason and he doesn't seem to be losing interest.

 

Thanks!

[Artdeco]

I can relate. And it’s a problem.

 

While in a loving R, I’m also very busy in my demanding job, and I frequently travel for business also. Therefore, my partner is sometimes unhappy with my limited availability, and tends to take things personally. It’s hard to balance for me, but I’m sure it’s also difficult for him. I don’t “love” my job necessarily, but i like it enough, and I’m a dedicated employee who wants to reach her goals. As a result, I have been promoted several times, I hold a very senior role, I am very well respected in my industry, and my job pays well. I would never leave my company. Ever. This has caused some conflict in Rs before, where BFs have occasionally felt rejected, or left out.

 

While my current R is most important to me, I still have to prioritize my job, bc it pays the bills. My choice. And unfortunately I am guilty of sometimes not communicating as frequently as my partner would expect me to. To create a healthy balance, I frequently ask him to accompany me to conferences, etc., esp if they take place in “nicer” parts of the country, so that we can enjoy a few days away from home. We also don’t live together (abt. the same distance as you and your BF have between you) which doesn’t necessarily help, but I have to say that if he threw fits all the time about me traveling and working a lot, I’d lose my patience at some point. I need an understanding partner, and luckily for the most time I have that. It just causes a little funk/conflict between us occasionally. Not ideal, but manageable.

 

I understand that you may think he’s losing interest. I can tell you that this is not the case for me (still love him, enjoy spending time with him, the more the better, not interested in other men etc.), but as your R is relatively new (under a year), I totally understand your POV. But I also understand your BF’s VERY well.

[Garcon1986]

I would suggest brainstorming ways you two can spend time together even on his busy days?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see much of an issue in communicating less throughout the day now that he's very busy. It happens when you're tied up and tired.

 

However, I would be concerned that you two are only 1.5 hours apart and see only each other once a month now. That is quite little, given the relatively short distance. When you see each other, does he come to you? Do you go to him? Is this very busy period likely to taper off again?

 

I don't know what type of work he does, but it sounds as though when he is busy, he doesn't realistically have much time for a relationship. Only you can decide if it's enough for you.

[d0nnivain]

When I met my husband, I had a fledging business I was trying to get off the ground so a F/T job with a start-up; I was working my way up to become the state president of a huge business organization which required weekly meetings & quarterly trips to D.C. & monthly trips to the State Capital; I served on 3 boards of trustees, was taking care of my elderly parents & had a Part Time job. To say I was busy would be an understatement. I still managed to devote one day a week to looking for love before I met him; then we would see each other 1-2x per week. As I got more involved with him, I did resign from the boards. Around 6 months we probably had some communication daily.

 

Where there is a will, there is a way. Your guy is hiding behind work & using it as an excuse.

[hippychick3]

I don't think this is about patience...

 

I live 3 hours from my bf, and we spend almost every weekend together. There is always a good morning, light texting in afternoon, usually a phone call, some light texting after that, and a goodnight...every single day no matter how busy we are. It takes a second to send a text. A phone call can be a few minutes just to touch base. I would not be happy with someone who didn't communicate daily and who didn't want to make the effort to see me more than once a month.

 

I think your bf's interest is waning, and you should pull way back and watch what he does or doesn't do after that.

[Jane Deaux]

That is quite little, given the relatively short distance. When you see each other, does he come to you? Do you go to him? Is this very busy period likely to taper off again?

 

I don't know what type of work he does, but it sounds as though when he is busy, he doesn't realistically have much time for a relationship. Only you can decide if it's enough for you.

 

 

When we see each other, he is usually coming to see me. However I am able to go to him as well and I did this past weekend. This was his first weekend home in a month.

 

When he is busy I do feel like he doesn't have the time for a relationship. I have journaled that exact thought. I guess I am waiting to see what happens when this phase of his work is completed. It should be in about a month. Then we will see if he has any extra time.

 

We do talk every day. It is just less frequent throughout the day.

 

Thank you all for your answers. I'm still feeling kind of low about it. I also feel like his interest has waned.

 

How would one pull back? Would you still maintain the relationship at some level?

 

Let me mention there is an age difference. He is 26 while i am 37. I have very little experience in this as I was in a dead marriage for over a decade.

After my divorce I feel a little out of place trying to figure out men.

[PRW]

My question is, is this enough effort? Am I expecting too much? I am being very patient and understanding of this time in his life and I am not giving him too hard of a time. But I get concerned that he is losing interest. But I may be overreacting. I feel he is consistent in his effort on the days that he is swamped, to at least say hey. I had just gotten used to Good morning and then regular texts throughout the day.

 

That is too much for a "boyfriend". He should not have contacted you that often and gotten you used to that. A lot of married people that have been together for years don't get that,...particularly "texts throughout the day". By the same token you should not have gotten to expect that,...you both set yourselves up for disappointment.

 

I am also afraid that around the time he got busy we have also hit a milestone in the relationship of things calming down from the mad passionate obsessive beginning. And it has coincided with him being busy.

I can only give you things to think about. I may seem to play both sides, but that is the best I can do without more intimate knowledge. My goal is to make you think about things and decide for yourself, more so than actually tell you what to do. I think only once I will tell you below what to do,...actually, what NOT to do.

 

The "busy" means the same thing here as it means when a woman uses that excuse with a man. It means he is not putting as much effort into making the time for the two of you to be together as he did before. Yes his work could have gotten heavier, but men tend to manipulate their jobs to do the things they want to do when they want to do them bad enough. I do that on a weekly basis,...I live about a 2 hour drive from women I date.

 

There was too much "effort" and too much "activity" at the beginning so now that is has slowed down it has created a contrast that would not be seen there if things had been more balanced at the beginning. So there is an element of an imbalance correcting itself going on here.

 

Contacting everyday, saying good night, ect.,...are things that husbands (or "live-ins") do,...not boyfriends. A boyfriend will not emotionally be able to maintain this for a long time. Don't expect boyfriends to be husbands. If you want "husband behavor" than marry him or move 1.5 hours away and live there.

 

Men are not women (although betas or gays may respond similarly as women). I can tell you with near certainty, being a guy myself, that if you actively "pull back" he will most likely respond with the same, resulting in the two of you becoming even further apart. Why? Because men evaluate things at face value,...you act less interested, we will consider you less interested, and we will then look for someone who shows more interest. There is a lot of total BS "dating advice" for women out on the Internet, YouTube, and such, that quite frankly just doesn't get this, and they end up giving dating advice to women that should be meant for men only and likewise give men advise that should be given to women only (it's flipped backwards).

 

It does sound like he has lost some of the original "fire",...what you need to do is remain the same but lower what you expect from him. This will do 2 things:

1. Lower your sense of worry because you just aren't expecting as much from him.

2. You "staying the same" shows him that you are consistent. Consistency is golden,...men love a consistent woman above all else and are attracted immensely to that.

 

You said 7+ months and 1.5 hour drive. Men usually know in 3-6 months if they have a woman they want to keep,...or just stay with her till something better comes along. Not telling you what to do here, just an informational comment for you to keep in mind.

 

I live a 2 hour drive from where I usually date. So you are getting the perspective from a guy who is in a similar situation to your guy.

[hippychick3]

When we see each other, he is usually coming to see me. However I am able to go to him as well and I did this past weekend. This was his first weekend home in a month.

 

When he is busy I do feel like he doesn't have the time for a relationship. I have journaled that exact thought. I guess I am waiting to see what happens when this phase of his work is completed. It should be in about a month. Then we will see if he has any extra time.

 

We do talk every day. It is just less frequent throughout the day.

 

Thank you all for your answers. I'm still feeling kind of low about it. I also feel like his interest has waned.

 

How would one pull back? Would you still maintain the relationship at some level?

 

Let me mention there is an age difference. He is 26 while i am 37. I have very little experience in this as I was in a dead marriage for over a decade.

After my divorce I feel a little out of place trying to figure out men.

 

I would do this by not initiating contact or engaging in any kind of “chasing.” Respond lovingly when he acts lovingly. A CONFIDENT and secure man will notice and step it up if he is really interested. The only man who would pull back himself in response is one who is no longer interested and/or is insecure.

[basil67]

Whether it's normal or not doesn't matter. What does matter is if this current situation meets your needs in a relationship. Even if things to calm down in a month, it will ramp up again in the future and you'll be back where you are.

[ExpatInItaly]

Whether it's normal or not doesn't matter. What does matter is if this current situation meets your needs in a relationship. Even if things to calm down in a month, it will ramp up again in the future and you'll be back where you are.

 

This is my thought as well.

 

Life always has busy or stressful periods. He's showing you he will be much less available during those times. Think about whether this is the type of partner you'd like.

 

I'm the same age as you, OP, 37. As nice as he may be, he's only 26. Chronologically, it's not that big a deal but you appear to be a different points in your life. You've been married and divorced and I assume you're more settled in your career. He's just now embarking on a lot of those things and is naturally going to have a different perspective.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I don't think this is about patience...

 

I live 3 hours from my bf, and we spend almost every weekend together. There is always a good morning, light texting in afternoon, usually a phone call, some light texting after that, and a goodnight...every single day no matter how busy we are. It takes a second to send a text. A phone call can be a few minutes just to touch base. I would not be happy with someone who didn't communicate daily and who didn't want to make the effort to see me more than once a month.

I think your bf's interest is waning, and you should pull way back and watch what he does or doesn't do after that.

 

This is the way I feel as well. My bf isn't long distance, but when we met he was working 16+ hours a day. He maybe forgot once or twice to send me a text, but otherwise always texted me if I didn't text him. Communication is esp important for you as the relationship is LD. That kind of behavior would make me wary that there isn't an effort to visit more.

[Jane Deaux]

I took the advice to focus on myself and stay busy. I focused on my life and what I had going on here. I did not initiate much contact besides a good morning text. There were a few times he got frustrated with me but I was honest with him and told him I just had a lot going on and I was busy. This weekend i continued with that, went out with a friend Friday night. Apparently when I didn't talk to him the way he wanted Friday night he got upset with me. The rest of the weekend he acted slightly upset but still light texting. I had a friend come to town saturday and I spent the rest of the weekend with her. Sunday night, still light texting, I told him goodnight @ 10pm, after several hours of silence. He said goodnight as well, but then asked about a quote I had posted. Then he called me. I was cheerful and positive and we talked some about my weekend with my friend. Then he brought up his frustrations and we had a talk.

After 2 hours of talking, very nicely and calmly we both worked out what we were feeling. He let me know he felt like he was losing me and did not want that. I told him I was still very much in love with him, but that him being so distant when he was busy with work wasn't very ideal to inspire a lot of one sided texting and romance from me. That I was just following his example. I believe we are on the same page now. I did ask that he either understand that I can't keep being the only one trying and If he weren't going to compromise while he was busy and at least try somewhat to be a little more wordy and loving even while busy that he shouldn't get upset with me if I responded in kind. Not out of spite, just out of a lack of urge from the disconnect. I explained to him that there would be times in relationships that things might get in the way. But if you can't compromise for your person, and expected them to make all the compromises then things wouldn't go very well.

I do think that he understands a little better and will make more effort.

 

We shall see! Here's hoping with fingers crossed.