Not sure where to post this... Self Reflection

[TheRainbow]

I have been thinking a lot about my marriage, about my relationship in general with my husband. We are separated at my urging. Back in May, I asked for a divorce. 4 1/2 years ago I asked him for a divorce. Twice I seek to end my marriage, and at this moment I'm separated and once again wanting to reconcile.

 

Why am I still separated? Because I'm afraid. I'm scared of hurting him again and again and again. I'm scared of unravelling. I'm afraid of facing the truth. But for the past few months, I'm slowly doing just that. I'm facing the truth. The reality of my past, the reality of my present, and the reality going forward.

 

My entire 32 years on this Earth, while not all bad, has been hard. Bullied from a young age, struggling through school for having a learning disability, my parents splitting up when I was young, to being in an abusive relationship as a teen, to turning to work in a strip club. I pushed my family away; I rejected my parent's authority. I was fighting with myself on the inside. Fighting my self-worth.

 

I got into a relationship with my husband when I wasn't healthy. I cheated on him over and over and over again. He gave me the gift of showing me I was worth something. That I wasn't stupid. That I wasn't worthless. I accomplished many things with his support. I graduated grade twelve, I became a wonderful mother and succeeded in finding the confidence to start a career.

 

But I keep asking myself why I continued to let other men in. Why I continue to low my self-worth dictate my morals. The other day I was at a meeting for those with sex addiction. One member said something that had a profound effect on me. She said she engaged in prostitution, because she wanted ment o find her worthy for the one thing she could give them, which was sex.

 

While I never engaged in prostitution, it made sense. I gave men lap dances, and showing off my clothes with barely any clothes, for money. I gave men fake affection, when deep down inside they could care two ****s about me. Viewed me as an object. So many times I was rejected, not because there was no compatibility but because I had too small boobs, or I wasn't a blond, or I wasn't skinny enough, or I was too fat. I began to think I wasn't good enough.

 

It is a messed of revelation. IT has nothing to do with my husband or anything he is doing wrong. But everything to do with me. I craved that attention from other men. I wanted to show them I was worthy, but I never wanted something more from them.

 

I had for the longest time thought I didn't truly love my husband, but as time went on, and I'm forced to look at myself in the mirror. I see it, and I feel it. In my gut, I want to be with him.

 

But I only want to remain married, if I can be the wife he deserves.

[Gretchen12]

Have you tried therapy?

 

You need validation and you don't have a firm sense of yourself. I don't actually know what it feels like to be like that because I'm not. I'm only seeing it from the outside. But there are others like you. So if you go to therapy you can work with people who can help.

[TheRainbow]

Have you tried therapy?

 

You need validation and you don't have a firm sense of yourself. I don't actually know what it feels like to be like that because I'm not. I'm only seeing it from the outside. But there are others like you. So if you go to therapy you can work with people who can help.

 

I've been seeing a counsellor so far a few months now and just started SAA meetings.

[BaileyB]

I would say that therapy is probably the best decision you could have made for yourself.

 

Keep asking the hard questions. This is called - personal growth. The great, or perhaps not so great thing is, it usually happens during the most challenging times in our lives...

Edited September 11, 2018 by BaileyB

[JuneL]

Has your husband ever suggested therapy, either individual or marriage?

[TheRainbow]

Has your husband ever suggested therapy, either individual or marriage?

 

To me in the past? He suggested I see a doctor when I had severe postpartum depression with our first, which I did. He suggested marriage counselling in the past which we both stopped after a few months. He did suspect a sex addiction and told me so but I brushed him off. Turns out his assumptions were correct. While I don't have an official diagnosis from a psychologist, my counsellor recommended I attend sex addiction anonymous meetings which I have.

 

Besides that not really. He did express he is glad I'm attending.

[JuneL]

With all due respect, I disagree strongly that you’re a wonderful mother. A decent mother will never put her selfish interest above her children’s best interest; a good mother is much more than having straight-A kids.

 

I am seriously concerned about the wellbeing of your kids when they’re old enough to understand what’s going on.

[TheRainbow]

With all due respect, I disagree strongly that you’re a wonderful mother. A decent mother will never put her selfish interest above her children’s best interest; a good mother is much more than having straight-A kids.

 

I am seriously concerned about the wellbeing of your kids when they’re old enough to understand what’s going on.

 

I can be a better mother. They are still young, and my oldest is very sheltered, and still a few years before yet before she reaches her teenage years. So if I can get the help I need and show them that.

[JuneL]

I do agree you crave for superficial attention from men, but I’m not sure if you have sex addiction. Do you have withdrawal if you’re not having sex for a while?

[TheRainbow]

I do agree you crave for superficial attention from men, but I’m not sure if you have sex addiction. Do you have withdrawal if you’re not having sex for a while?

 

It's hard to explain but I feel empty. Not necessarily an emotional emptiness, but an emptiness attached to my self-worth. Like I know my husband finds me worthy, but it's like I attach the need to sexually please men to my self-worth.

 

Currently, I have put up safeguards to help prevent myself from engaging in inappropriate relations with other men. I'm don't work closely with other men. I'm a personal assistant to a woman. I'm with a female therapist and attending sex addiction meetings for women only.

 

My emotional intimacy needs were met by my husband, and not having that regularly is hard. I did look forward to when we were intimate. We had an amazing sex life.

Edited September 11, 2018 by TheRainbow

[JuneL]

Was your husband not on board with having sex as much as you liked, and that’s why you needed other men to fulfill your addiction?

 

It's hard to explain but I feel empty. Not necessarily an emotional emptiness, but an emptiness attached to my self-worth. Like I know my husband finds me worthy, but it's like I attach the need to sexually please men to my self-worth.

 

Currently, I have put up safeguards to help prevent myself from engaging in inappropriate relations with other men. I'm don't work closely with other men. I'm a personal assistant to a woman. I'm with a female therapist and attending sex addiction meetings for women only.

 

My emotional intimacy needs were met by my husband, and not having that regularly is hard. I did look forward to when we were intimate. We had an amazing sex life.

[TheRainbow]

Was your husband not on board with having sex as much as you liked, and that’s why you needed other men to fulfill your addiction?

 

90% of the time he'd initiate the sex, and the other 10% I would. He never got mad, or acted frustrated if I wasn't in the mood, and vice verca. For example with the other man, my husband didn't even cross my mind when we would engage in sexual contact. We worked together a lot, and he was the one who asked for sex the first time, and one time not directly, but hinted that I owed him because he recommended me for the extra training that the company paid for. The affair happened strictly at work. I didn't know he was married until the very end. He claimed he was single, and I never seeked him out on Facebook.

 

 

But then there was my first affair six months into the relationship. I remember him telling me how pretty I was, and a few weeks before I had sex with him for the first time, he told me he wanted to kiss me because everytime I walked by he got hard. But as soon as he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, I broke it off. I genuinely wanted to be exclusive to my husband and my emotional needs were being met.

Edited September 12, 2018 by TheRainbow