Feeling guilty about events during break/NC

[Frank21]

Quick story - Long term girlfriend of 4+ years. I wasn't sure if she was the one, so I broke things off with her. After some time I realized she was the one, so I tried to get her back. She was scared to come back, and wanted NC. During the NC phase, I fooled around with a couple of girls (didn't go all the way but came close with one of them).

A couple of months later we're back together and now really close. I felt guilty and I told her I kissed a couple of girls but didn't come clean about the extent of everything.

 

I don't think I should, but since we're getting along so well now I feel guilty about it. We're talking about marriage even. I'm afraid if I tell her that:

She'll just end the relationship, or

She'll always throw it in my face.

 

I really don't think I should tell, and since she initiated the NC thing that was basically a time we could do whatever we want. I guess I feel guilty the most because (1) we're getting along so well now, and (2) she didn't hang out with any guys during the break. Also, I know telling her would only hurt her and nothing positive would come from it. A friend of mine told me I don't wear guilt very well.

 

Do I tell to have a clear mind or tuck this one away in the lost & found area in my mind?

[JS17]

You know, I don't even think you should feel guilty and I'm the queen of guilt. You told her that you were involved with other women and that's enough. Nobody wants to hear the details. Not only did you come clean but you were broken up when you were involved with other women so I don't see that you did anything wrong. Again, IMO, there's no need to go into detail about your encounters since you did tell her that you were active with other women.

[Frank21]

Well, the thing is I lied to her about it - she asked for details, and I made up a story that I just kissed the one girl. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the other girl gave me oral on my couch! It totally didn't mean anything to me, and I remember being really mad at my then "ex" while it was happening. There is basically no chance she'd ever find out either; I've cut all communications with the other girl (for over a month I haven't talked to her). Another reason I'm feeling guilt is that the day before she wanted no contact we agreed to be "boyfriend and girlfriend". I just justify it in my mind because the next day she said to have ZERO contact with her. I mean, can you really be boyfriend/girlfriend and NOT be allowed to contact her?

Seriously though, I know if I tell her she'd end the relationship. I also know that this guilt will pass, and that nothing positive would come from telling her. Only lots of negative!

I think I may be the KING OF Guilt though.

[bluechocolate]

...and since she initiated the NC thing that was basically a time we could do whatever we want.

 

You didn't do anything wrong - therefore nothing to feel guilty over.

 

- she asked for details, and I made up a story that I just kissed the one girl.

 

A half-truth & enough of the truth - who wants to know the gory details? You're right - it won't do any good whatsoever.

 

You have a future together again - put your focus there.

[queenie01]

Frank out of curiousity how long did it take before you realized she was the one... what time frame?

[Frank21]

Thanks BlueChocolate - you're exactly right. Things are going PERFECTLY right now, and she stopped taking the pill about 2 weeks ago. Yes, we're going to try to get pregnant. I'm in my early 30's and she's almost 30, and we both want kids really badly. We are going to get married right after she gets pregnant, God willing.

I still feel guilt because of how much I love her, but I know I've never cheated on her as her boyfriend, nor would I ever as her husband. The guilty person in my head says to tell her so you don't begin a marriage with any secrets or lies, but I think in this case the relationship would take too severe of a hit. And for what, something that didn't mean anything to me anyway?

I just need to remind myself that the break time was to show us that we were supposed to be together, and I did the things I did out of hurt and anger because I wasn't even allowed to call her.

You know what's really weird? When we're around each other I have very little thoughts about telling her, but when we're apart I seem to want to more. Strange, huh?

[Frank21]

Frank out of curiousity how long did it take before you realized she was the one... what time frame?

 

Probably about a week or so, give or take. Lots of soul searching during that time though by myself.

[queenie01]

Darn I was hoping for longer...i am still hoping that mine will realize he truly loved me but its been 4 months now : (

[Frank21]

Help! Right now the urge to tell her about it tonight is overwhelming. Someone, please help me! I know this would shatter a beautiful relationship!

[pearlsasinger]

Hey Frank,

 

I went through the same thing a couple of weeks ago. I know exactly how you feel. I lied to my boyfriend about what I did with other guys when he and I were broken up. But soon my guilt got to me and I had to tell him.

 

I talked to 4 of my friends about it before I came clean, all of which agreed it was none of his business anyway since we were still broken up. I was able to feel better for a little while, but in the end it came out anyway. He was more upset that I lied at first, but we talked about it and I have to tell you I feel much better. We're closer than ever.

 

He asked me if I really thought he would break up with me over something I did when we weren't together? I said maybe. Even though he had done more than I had, I was scared because I lied.

 

I wish I had told him everything to begin with but it was like something in me couldn't. It's very much out of my character. But I just thought it would hurt him more to hear about these things and I couldn't understand why he asked and wanted to know details.

 

Personally, I didn't want to know what he did with other girls. But since he wanted to know about my sexual encounters, I asked about his. If I had it my way, we wouldn't have had this conversation...or at least in as much detail.

 

I'm not saying you should feel guilty...I don't think you should. You've never cheated on her. But for me, carrying around the guilt became a more horrible feeling than telling him.

 

Would you want to know if you were her?

[Frank21]

Well, all I have to do now is forget about all of this. I just called her at work and told her I'm feeling guilty about that time we were apart. She asked me why, and I said I just feel bad about kissing other girls and I wanted to tell her about other details I may not have mentioned before. She said "What details?" and I said "Oh, like other situations I may not have mentioned with them, or the flirting that was done. There might be other details you don't want to know about". She said "Well, if you want me to be mad for a long time, then tell me. Otherwise, ignorance is bliss. I DON'T want to know about anything else - that time is in the past and I'm over it. I don't want to hear details about anything". I said "Well, you know I didn't sleep with anyone else, but I don't want to go into details about anything else that happened". She said "I don't want to know, and I don't want you to tell me".

 

I asked her please to forgive me about that time, and she said "I've already forgiven you. Just don't bring it up anymore and we'll be fine. What are you trying to do here, anyway, sabatoge our relationship? I can leave if you want me to!"

To which I replied "Of course not, I just feel bad about everything that happened while we were broken up. Just please tell me you forgive me" to which she said "I forgive you and love you. Let's just concentrate on being happy now, and forget about all that stuff in the past".

 

I don't feel 100% better, but I feel better enough to forget about it. I've had two close friends ask me if I grew up Catholic, which I didn't. *sigh* Hopefully tonight she won't bring any of this stuff up, and I'll be ok. She's the type of woman that doesn't like talking about either of our pasts, and quickly "moves on" about things and doesn't hold grudges. She's so sweet and tough as nails, which is why I want to marry her.

[Frank21]

Hey Frank,

 

I went through the same thing a couple of weeks ago. I know exactly how you feel. I lied to my boyfriend about what I did with other guys when he and I were broken up. But soon my guilt got to me and I had to tell him.

 

I talked to 4 of my friends about it before I came clean, all of which agreed it was none of his business anyway since we were still broken up. I was able to feel better for a little while, but in the end it came out anyway. He was more upset that I lied at first, but we talked about it and I have to tell you I feel much better. We're closer than ever.

 

He asked me if I really thought he would break up with me over something I did when we weren't together? I said maybe. Even though he had done more than I had, I was scared because I lied.

 

I wish I had told him everything to begin with but it was like something in me couldn't. It's very much out of my character. But I just thought it would hurt him more to hear about these things and I couldn't understand why he asked and wanted to know details.

 

Personally, I didn't want to know what he did with other girls. But since he wanted to know about my sexual encounters, I asked about his. If I had it my way, we wouldn't have had this conversation...or at least in as much detail.

 

I'm not saying you should feel guilty...I don't think you should. You've never cheated on her. But for me, carrying around the guilt became a more horrible feeling than telling him.

 

What if your boyfriend had been more like my girlfriend, and didn't WANT to know and has told as such? What if he hadn't even hung out with the opposite sex during that NC period, like mine hadn't? Of course this means you (and I) were the only ones being "bad"?

This is so frustrating!

[pearlsasinger]

Well, all I have to do now is forget about all of this. I just called her at work and told her I'm feeling guilty about that time we were apart. She asked me why, and I said I just feel bad about kissing other girls and I wanted to tell her about other details I may not have mentioned before. She said "What details?" and I said "Oh, like other situations I may not have mentioned with them, or the flirting that was done. There might be other details you don't want to know about". She said "Well, if you want me to be mad for a long time, then tell me. Otherwise, ignorance is bliss. I DON'T want to know about anything else - that time is in the past and I'm over it. I don't want to hear details about anything". I said "Well, you know I didn't sleep with anyone else, but I don't want to go into details about anything else that happened". She said "I don't want to know, and I don't want you to tell me".

 

I would say your situation is very different to mine. He asked me to tell him. He said his curiosity would drive him crazy and that he would only be able to move on if he knew. So in your case, I would not tell her. Please stop feeling guilty, if she doesn't want to know, you are doing what she asks of you. Plus you said all of that stuff meant nothing anyway. So it's not relevant to your relationship now.

[Frank21]

 

Would you want to know if you were her?

 

Absolutely NOT! However even though it wasn't cheating, why do I still feel like it was? My "logical" brain understands this, but my guilty side doesn't! I'm somewhat scared ****less that she's going to have more questions for me tonight, but I certainly hope she doesn't! I think I have about a 50/50 chance of her having follow up questions. She is very sweet and forgiving and we're VERY MUCH in love with each other - if confronted tonight, I'll probably come clean (masking it as much as possible) and try to explain that:

1. She told me I wasn't even allowed to talk to her at that time (NC), and,

2. Part of the process of realizing she's the "one" was fooling around a bit and hating it with someone else, and

3. That NONE of it meant anything to me at all. Possibly even mention the fact that the girl here was very forward (she grabbed my crotch while we were playing basketball - I asked her "what the hell was that about" and she laughed. Of course this made me think "well, she's already touched me, why not see if this goes any further? The woman I love is refusing any communications with me, so what the hell anyway?"

 

I really shouldn't feel guilty about this...

[pearlsasinger]

What if your boyfriend had been more like my girlfriend, and didn't WANT to know and has told as such? What if he hadn't even hung out with the opposite sex during that NC period, like mine hadn't? Of course this means you (and I) were the only ones being "bad"?

This is so frustrating!

 

I wish he hadn't asked! I lied like 4 or 5 times before I came out with everything.

 

I would feel guilty if he hadn't hung out with the opposite sex. But that was her choice. She could've hung out with someone.

 

My guy had slept with three people in the 6 months we were apart...one a mutual friend, another an ex. I guess I was surprised he told me all of this and it made me wonder why couldn't I do the same, why I just couldn't be honest if he could.

[pearlsasinger]

Absolutely NOT! However even though it wasn't cheating, why do I still feel like it was? My "logical" brain understands this, but my guilty side doesn't! I'm somewhat scared ****less that she's going to have more questions for me tonight, but I certainly hope she doesn't!

 

I know. I felt like I had cheated too. I guess it's because we still had such strong feelings for our exs.

 

I think you have a good plan and I think you'll be fine. You have told her more than enough, she doesn't need to know every specific detail. Sounds like you two have a great relationship and I'm sure if you have a talk, you'll be all the stronger.

[sparky3]

I wouldn't tell her...

[Frank21]

Well, it was driving me crazy so I told her tonight. She wasn't very happy to say the least. She was very mad about the event itself, the fact it happened in our livingroom, and that I've kept it from her for 2 months. By not telling her the complete truth I'm now a liar and she says she can't believe anything I say, and that she doesn't trust me.

Of course I reminded her it happened when we weren't on speaking terms, but I don't think that's helping too much.

 

She told me about 1000 times to leave her alone. She wanted to sleep in our spare bedroom tonight, but I begged her to stay in our bed. She's hurt and mad as hell, and I don't know if I feel any better really after telling her. Perhaps I will in time - right now I have to focus on getting her to try to forgive and forget somewhat.

Thank God I didn't sleep with someone else - I think she'd have moved out tonight if I had.

Obviously the advice given on here to NOT tell was the right thing to do. The only problem was the guilt was eating me alive, so what was I supposed to do? My friend Vince told me I don't wear guilt very well, and I'm sure he's right.

[sundrop]

Just give her, her cool down period.

She will be pissed for a while, don't push her to much and make her even madder.

[bluechocolate]

Well, it was driving me crazy so I told her tonight.

 

Are you for real??

 

This had nothing to do with you honesty being the best policy or you feeling the need to "do the right thing" & 'fess up.

 

The only problem was the guilt was eating me alive,

 

See what I mean?

 

.........so what was I supposed to do?

 

Well at least you feel better now.

[pearlsasinger]

Frank, I'm sorry to hear it didn't go over so well. Deep down I think you did what you thought was right and that takes a lot of guts. You're a good guy.

 

I know you don't feel better now, but I think it's good you got this out in the open, rather than carrying it around and feeling guilt for what may have been a really long time or even forever.

 

It sounds like she just wants her space for now, it's still sinking in, but she loves you and she will forgive you. Hopefully, she will be able to somewhat recognize that you did this for the benefit of your relationship...I know that sounds odd...but to me it seems you did it because you want to be honest about everything.

 

When she's ready to talk, you'll be there for her. That's the only way my bf and I got over it. We yelled and cried and talked until we could understand why we did these things. I'm still 23 so maybe I don't know too much about relationships yet, but I have learned that it's so important to communicate your feelings.

 

Hang in there, things will get better.

 

~pearl

[Frank21]

Frank, I'm sorry to hear it didn't go over so well. Deep down I think you did what you thought was right and that takes a lot of guts. You're a good guy.

 

I know you don't feel better now, but I think it's good you got this out in the open, rather than carrying it around and feeling guilt for what may have been a really long time or even forever.

 

It sounds like she just wants her space for now, it's still sinking in, but she loves you and she will forgive you. Hopefully, she will be able to somewhat recognize that you did this for the benefit of your relationship...I know that sounds odd...but to me it seems you did it because you want to be honest about everything.

 

When she's ready to talk, you'll be there for her. That's the only way my bf and I got over it. We yelled and cried and talked until we could understand why we did these things. I'm still 23 so maybe I don't know too much about relationships yet, but I have learned that it's so important to communicate your feelings.

 

Hang in there, things will get better.

 

~pearl

 

I guess it went better than expected, as she didn't leave. She still slept in our bed last night, even though she told me not to touch her (which I understand). I've called her a couple of times today and she talked to me and didn't just hang up, so that's a good sign. We've had plans this week for her and I to go all out with her work friends tonight, and this morning I asked her if I could still go, and she said that would be ok. She wants me to really leave her alone for a while today and let her think about things. I did ask her this morning on the way in from work "You wouldn't leave me over things that happened when we were broken up would you?" and she said "No".

 

I'm in the dog house now, and probably will be for a while. I've explained to her that I never did anything when we were even on speaking terms. She has every right to be really mad, as I would've been if the situation was reversed.

 

I don't really feel better after telling her either. It was a selfish thing for me to unload something she didn't need to know on her. Guilt is a SOB!

[Frank21]

Well, I got a positive sign from her this morning. Since we've discussed having children and getting married soon, we've been really tight on money. So I called her a bit ago and asked her if she wanted to go to a college football game this weekend, and she said "The tickets are too expensive, and we need to save money". Also, we have plans to see her sister now this weekend sometime.

 

She said she still loves me but just doesn't like me very much right now. I told her I'm very sorry and I understand.

[Frank21]

Well, it was driving me crazy so I told her tonight.

 

Are you for real??

 

This had nothing to do with you honesty being the best policy or you feeling the need to "do the right thing" & 'fess up.

 

The only problem was the guilt was eating me alive,

 

See what I mean?

 

.........so what was I supposed to do?

 

Well at least you feel better now.

 

You are so right, of course. I'm a total jackass.

[JS17]

Well it sounds like things will be ok but you need to give her some space. She'll forgive you but let her be pissed off at you for a while, let her get it all out and then forgive you.

 

Try bringing her some flowers or little gesture and tell her that you love her but you understand that she's mad. Tell her that you want to respect her wishes and give her some space but you want to make it up to her any way that you can.