Mil and mummys boy

[foxy418]

Ive been married for 6 years and have 2 kids with my husband. 3 yrs ago we moved back to his city and live very close to his parents. For the entire 3 years ive been unhappy. My husband is a mummys boy and my mother in law is narcasistic manipulative and controling. He does not see.it at all and thinks shes the best person on earth. I think.shes the worst. She doesnt like me but puts on a show whenever hes around on how kind she is. I have a million stories on things she has done to me but i wont get into it. Ive tried to talk to my husband about things that bother me but he always defends and sides with her. He also wants her to see my children every day. Meaning she comes over almost every single day.. uninvited.. My children do not even like her.

Ive resorted to telling my husband that i hate the city we live in and i want to move. He says one day but recently she convinced him the best move for out family is to buy a house here. So now we are stuck because he does what she tells him. We do talk about divorce a lot.. he thinks it is because i domt accept his family. But i cannot live like this...there are no boundaries and when i try to set them he tells me.im pushing his family away and if i do that he cannot be with me... . i am aware that a husband who says that should be left.. I am very close believe me.. but im looking at last ideas

[Garcon1986]

It sounds like the bloke gets defensive when you voice your concerns which is not ideal. You desires are valid indeed, but it's also reasonable for a husband to adore her mother. I think the first course of action is to have a long talk about your concerns and try to voice them directly; don't try to talk in such a way that leaves him guessing about what you are worrying about. The other thing you could try is to both talk to a trusted friend or marriage counselor. I am curious though, about in what manner is the mother in law mean to you? In what manner is she manipulative? Part of the answer is that none of you three may completely get your way. I know its hard to think about it when you are in the moment (I've been there) but you may have to brainstorm about how you can negotiate, in a way that leaves all three parties with a little "carrot left over". You don't want anybody to leave an argument thinking they totally lost or totally didn't get anything done their way.

[preraph]

Divorce him. He's not being your husband. A husband is supposed to make his wife the top priority as far as sticking up for her and not letting someone cross boundaries. I wouldn't put up with that for a minute either. Thing is, you will still be stuck in this city because of custody laws. The mother will still get to see the child every day and be his built-in babysitter while you try to work and take care of your kids without support.

But at least you could keep her from dropping by YOUR house. Depending on if it's a grandma friendly judge or not, you might even use her being around every day against your wishes as a mark against your husband because he will likely just turn the kids over to her on his days of custody, and if he does, you tell the court you didn't grant custody to his mother, you share custody with him.

 

Get an attorney if you start thinking about it and do that first and get advice from an attorney. Don't share an attorney with your husband. You should demand he take joint custody and have the kids 3 and a half days a week so you have some time to have a life and to work and rest. Don't be one of these women who just want the kids all the time and let the husband still basically run their lives because all you do is take care of the kids with no help. Make him do his part. And you know, even if he overrelies on his mother, it might be a good thing because I doubt Grandma wants the kids ALL day while he's at work, so maybe a bonus is it causes those two to have a little disagreement for once! That would be cheery, wouldn't it?

[d0nnivain]

Can you give some examples?

 

I agree with preraph that a husband is supposed to leave his family of origin & stick up for his wife & kids. If your husband really isn't doing that, you do have a problem. However, there are at least 2 sides to every story so some more concrete examples would help. You did admit that she acts nice in front of her son / your husband so I'm optimistic that a compromise may be possible.

[Mr. Lucky]

He also wants her to see my children every day. Meaning she comes over almost every single day.. uninvited..

 

Boy, I've been married twice, had great MIL's both times - but this would be too much for me. You need some down time with just you and the kids.

 

Your problem is your husband and any solution is in his hands. Unless he sets and reinforces some boundaries, you'll never be happy. So he has a choice on his hands - not between you and her, but between marriage and not married.

 

I'd lay it out for him in no uncertain terms...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pastypop]

Actually, according to the courts, you can move the kids up to 50 miles away if you get a divorce or seperate. I would do just that and use the child support to pay for daycare. That almost two hour drive will keep her from coming over to your house everyday and loosen her controlling grip. Use the excuse that the schools are better, closer to work or whatever you can come up with.

 

She probably doesn’t like you because he has said something negative/embarrassing about you or made disrespectful faces/actions when you’re around. She decides to bully you in retaliation.

 

He won’t defend you because he likes his mommy taking up for him. But, you can bet beyond a doubt that he has talked about you to her. I never could understand why my MIL was such a b**** until I figured this out. My husband always makes a point to look like he’s miserable and beat down in front of his parents. It’s completely laughable and doesn’t even bother me anymore but, I live 8 hours away from that awful woman.

[bathtub-row]

You need to look into the facts about how far you can move away after a divorce. I don't think that kind of thing is necessarily etched in stone, so be very careful with that. Also, absolutely do not move out of that house without your kids with you. Don't do anything to give the impression that you've abandoned them, disrupted their schooling, or even that you lean on your husband or MIL to care for them. They can use that against you. Given the way the MIL behaves, she will probably encourage your son to fight for custody and then things could really get ugly. Your best move would be to stay in that house with the kids until the divorce is settled, if you go down that road. It's best not to uproot your kids or disrupt their lives any more than necessary. After the divorce, move as far away from 'crazy lady' as possible.

 

Before you do anything, talk to a divorce attorney. You need to have all your ducks in a row before you make a single move. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband's mother is pathetic and so is your husband. There's no excuse for either of them to behave as they do. Parents should never do anything to create discord between their child and spouse.

[Carpe Diem]

I agree with the previous posters who say “divorce him.”

 

The relationship between your husband and mother-in-law will never change. You will continue being resentful and angry year after year after year unless you take action.

 

One of my favourite quotes on life, “nothing changes if nothing changes” is very apropos to your situation.

 

Being able to remove yourself from both toxic people and situations can often be a invisible line between a happy life and one filled with daily/weekly repetitive cycles of anger and resentment.

 

Also listen to what people are telling you about how to go about this.

 

Good luck

[snowcones]

Ive been married for 6 years and have 2 kids with my husband. 3 yrs ago we moved back to his city and live very close to his parents. For the entire 3 years ive been unhappy. My husband is a mummys boy and my mother in law is narcasistic manipulative and controling. He does not see.it at all and thinks shes the best person on earth. I think.shes the worst. She doesnt like me but puts on a show whenever hes around on how kind she is. I have a million stories on things she has done to me but i wont get into it. Ive tried to talk to my husband about things that bother me but he always defends and sides with her. He also wants her to see my children every day. Meaning she comes over almost every single day.. uninvited.. My children do not even like her.

Ive resorted to telling my husband that i hate the city we live in and i want to move. He says one day but recently she convinced him the best move for out family is to buy a house here. So now we are stuck because he does what she tells him. We do talk about divorce a lot.. he thinks it is because i domt accept his family. But i cannot live like this...there are no boundaries and when i try to set them he tells me.im pushing his family away and if i do that he cannot be with me... . i am aware that a husband who says that should be left.. I am very close believe me.. but im looking at last ideas

 

 

**** him! Tell him to go back to momma.

[snowcones]

You need to look into the facts about how far you can move away after a divorce. I don't think that kind of thing is necessarily etched in stone, so be very careful with that. Also, absolutely do not move out of that house without your kids with you. Don't do anything to give the impression that you've abandoned them, disrupted their schooling, or even that you lean on your husband or MIL to care for them. They can use that against you. Given the way the MIL behaves, she will probably encourage your son to fight for custody and then things could really get ugly. Your best move would be to stay in that house with the kids until the divorce is settled, if you go down that road. It's best not to uproot your kids or disrupt their lives any more than necessary. After the divorce, move as far away from 'crazy lady' as possible.

 

Before you do anything, talk to a divorce attorney. You need to have all your ducks in a row before you make a single move. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband's mother is pathetic and so is your husband. There's no excuse for either of them to behave as they do. Parents should never do anything to create discord between their child and spouse.

This is really good advice.

[elaine567]

Is this a cultural thing?

[jennyjen]

Ive been married for 6 years and have 2 kids with my husband. 3 yrs ago we moved back to his city and live very close to his parents. For the entire 3 years ive been unhappy. My husband is a mummys boy and my mother in law is narcasistic manipulative and controling. He does not see.it at all and thinks shes the best person on earth. I think.shes the worst. She doesnt like me but puts on a show whenever hes around on how kind she is. I have a million stories on things she has done to me but i wont get into it. Ive tried to talk to my husband about things that bother me but he always defends and sides with her. He also wants her to see my children every day. Meaning she comes over almost every single day.. uninvited.. My children do not even like her.

Ive resorted to telling my husband that i hate the city we live in and i want to move. He says one day but recently she convinced him the best move for out family is to buy a house here. So now we are stuck because he does what she tells him. We do talk about divorce a lot.. he thinks it is because i domt accept his family. But i cannot live like this...there are no boundaries and when i try to set them he tells me.im pushing his family away and if i do that he cannot be with me... . i am aware that a husband who says that should be left.. I am very close believe me.. but im looking at last ideas

 

Well, I've left a husband before for a similar situation, because it gets to the point where you have to either take it or leave it. And now I am foolishly in the same situation, though my MIL isn't as bad as yours and my ex-MIL. Would you be willing to leave as a last resort? Or just accept and live that way forever? There is no wrong answer.