Parental abuse - I suffer in silence

[anika99]

When did this behaviour start and has your son ever been diagnosed as having any sort of disability like ADHD? What was his childhood like and was his father involved in his life? Have there been step parents or live-in partners?

 

I'm treading carefully here because I don't want you to feel judged or blamed but something led to this behaviour and it's not video games. Your story reminds me of the relationship my mother had with my youngest brother. My youngest brother is in his thirties now and I don't have a relationship with him at all anymore. He has something wrong with him that has never been diagnosed.

 

I could tell there was something different about him from the time he was a baby. Even when he was just two years old he seemed angry. Hitting, biting, screaming at the top of his lungs nonstop. By the time he was 8 he had become abusive. My mom seperated from his father (my stepfather) when he was 7 and for good reasons but my stepfather could at least maintain some control over my very difficult brother (although he was most likely a contributing factor to the bad behaviour in the first place). Once he was out of the picture as a daily influence my mom lost all semblance of any control of both of my brothers but it was the youngest who became downright abusive.

 

I don't blame my mother or stepfather for what was wrong with my brother, like I said, he was different from the time he was a baby, but I do think my parents handled the situation very poorly and exacerbated everything a great deal. They were very dysfunctional as a couple and as individuals. My father was cold hostile man who lacked empathy and normal reasoning skills. My mother was weak, lazy, over permissive, inconsistent and lacked any boundaries. When she seperated from my step father my brothers started running the show and the youngest one turned into an abusive nightmare and my mother was his usual target and it continued into his adulthood.

 

As a matter of fact he abused her right up until she went into longterm care. If she still had her own place I have no doubt that he would still be laying on her couch calling her foul names and demanding that she cater to him. Nobody in our family could help her or him (believe me, people tried) because she simply wouldn't cooperate. I believe there are a lot of things she could have changed to make things better. I don't believe she could have turned my brother into a healthy person because I think he was personality disordered, however their home didn't have to become the circus it was.

 

I don't know what to advise other than maybe help your son find some positive role models and some positive ways to spend his time. Does he play any sports. Oftentimes just physical activity and burning off excess energy will calm a person down. Realistically, at 14yrs old, it's going to be very difficult to turn this situation around now. You will need to celebrate small changes and accept that it won't change overnight.

 

One thing that struck me is that you said he sprayed an entire bottle of fabreze into your face. That would take forever, how is that even possible? Was he pinning you down? Is he stronger than you?

[Realitysux]

When did this behaviour start and has your son ever been diagnosed as having any sort of disability like ADHD? What was his childhood like and was his father involved in his life? Have there been step parents or live-in partners?

 

I'm treading carefully here because I don't want you to feel judged or blamed but something led to this behaviour and it's not video games. Your story reminds me of the relationship my mother had with my youngest brother. My youngest brother is in his thirties now and I don't have a relationship with him at all anymore. He has something wrong with him that has never been diagnosed.

 

I could tell there was something different about him from the time he was a baby. Even when he was just two years old he seemed angry. Hitting, biting, screaming at the top of his lungs nonstop. By the time he was 8 he had become abusive. My mom seperated from his father (my stepfather) when he was 7 and for good reasons but my stepfather could at least maintain some control over my very difficult brother (although he was most likely a contributing factor to the bad behaviour in the first place). Once he was out of the picture as a daily influence my mom lost all semblance of any control of both of my brothers but it was the youngest who became downright abusive.

 

I don't blame my mother or stepfather for what was wrong with my brother, like I said, he was different from the time he was a baby, but I do think my parents handled the situation very poorly and exacerbated everything a great deal. They were very dysfunctional as a couple and as individuals. My father was cold hostile man who lacked empathy and normal reasoning skills. My mother was weak, lazy, over permissive, inconsistent and lacked any boundaries. When she seperated from my step father my brothers started running the show and the youngest one turned into an abusive nightmare and my mother was his usual target and it continued into his adulthood.

 

As a matter of fact he abused her right up until she went into longterm care. If she still had her own place I have no doubt that he would still be laying on her couch calling her foul names and demanding that she cater to him. Nobody in our family could help her or him (believe me, people tried) because she simply wouldn't cooperate. I believe there are a lot of things she could have changed to make things better. I don't believe she could have turned my brother into a healthy person because I think he was personality disordered, however their home didn't have to become the circus it was.

 

I don't know what to advise other than maybe help your son find some positive role models and some positive ways to spend his time. Does he play any sports. Oftentimes just physical activity and burning off excess energy will calm a person down. Realistically, at 14yrs old, it's going to be very difficult to turn this situation around now. You will need to celebrate small changes and accept that it won't change overnight.

 

One thing that struck me is that you said he sprayed an entire bottle of fabreze into your face. That would take forever, how is that even possible? Was he pinning you down? Is he stronger than you?

 

How old are you? What your saying may be of good nature and trying to help, but a lot of it is irrelevant to my situation. He did not pin me down and spray fabreeze, he followed me around and sprayed it at me til it was finished. It didn't take long at all and I do not put my hands on him as that is not how to tackle the behavior. I think I have made all the right steps towards turning this around, and only hope he can attend school in the mean time, and doesn't end up back in foster care. That would be painful and this is certainly not my choice.

[anika99]

I'm sorry you found my babble unhelpful. I'm in my fifties and have raised 2 sons myself as a single parent with no father in the picture. I wish you and your son the best. Sounds like you are already making progress.

[Art_Critic]

On the track of no father in the picture, there is a boy that plays in my Sons Baseball league that has no father figure, the Mom and his Grandmother make sure he gets his fatherly roles from the coaches at the fields.

She mentioned that to me (I'm a coach for my own Son) and said that the Men in the league are outstanding Men and Role models and that is why she has him there...

 

All the coaches have been thru Police/Criminal background checks and are no doubt good for the 100+ kids that play there...

 

Onto the other issue, you mentioned games.. I can tell you as a Parent myself that if my child did ANY of the things your Son has done to me or my Wife there would be NO Electronics/Phones/Gaming Systems/WiFI or Tablets in the house, I would throw them ALL in the trash, it is the Parents that buy that stuff not the Children so if it is an issue then it is an issue that you can control..

 

Him being in counseling is good, he needs to learn how to place his anger and figure out why he has it and a T is the first step in figuring that out..

 

Good luck and keep on with what you are doing, tough row to hoe...

[Realitysux]

I have a girl a few grades higher then my son who goes to his school, who is in foster care coming over. I am meeting with the child protection worker and my son said he is going to ask her to take him back into care. That he doesn't know why they see improvement in my mental health, that i am completely stupid, and for his life to be on track, he needs to go back I to foster care. This was a big wake up call for me. It made me realize that my sons behavior is making me depressed and he is noticing the depression and now using it agains me, I also deeply feel for what he has told me. I don't know what will happen before tomorrow but I've done the best I can and this isn't my choice. This girl coming over was about my sons age when she went into care, I don't know what's going to happen.

[Realitysux]

I made a lot of typos but I am kind of a mess tonight.

[coolheadal]

I have been keeping this a secret for far too long. I know it's the LS forum but this is a big step for me to admit this. My 14 year old son abuses me. There is absolutely no help for a parent like me as all the rights are towards the child. Family and children services are involved and he spent 8 months in foster care before being returned to me. Today the file was terminated from Court but they are going to work with me over the next few monts until things improve.

 

Today I woke up, went to wake my son up for school -which he told me to **** off, he hates me, to get lost and go. I tried to get him off to school before I had to leave for court. When I got to court, my ex showed up not only to support me, but to ask for access. He is married now, with three kids, and well -I never truly got over him so that was fun times. Hearing I love you today was quite the show but he throws it around like it's nothing and didn't mean it.

 

I came home and my son was in his pajamas and playing video games. I was calm, assertive, and told him to shut the games off. He responded **** you and your stupid and spent the entire next few hours yelling at me. It was so bad that I left. When I came home, he sprayed an entire bottle of fabreeze in my face, hair, eyes, mouth until I gagged. After he calmed down, I got the fabreeze bottle. He is currently lying on the couch and I can't say anything or he will yell at me.

 

I am about to give him some 3mg of malatonin to help him sleep (Dr recommended) and hope tomorrow gets better.

 

I am ready for the nasty comments that are going to come my way, but I want to mention that anyone who knows me including facs will tell you that I love my son, I do everything I can for him, I am nice to him, I am doing something wrong but I don't know what else I can do or what I am doing wrong. I just needed to get that out.

 

My dear this is very serious behavior issue with him. Sounds like he's psychopath but the way he's talking to you and then sprays stuff in your face. First off you need to have committed to child services in your area. They will put in place for 30 days where he will be recondition. This is up to you as I don't think you can cope with his behavior is extremely violent. Are you with a man the father or is he around to support you. This can't keep going on you need to put a stop to this. Contact them social services in your area. There is help for you and your 14 year old. He's in control he knows how to control you. Drugging him not the answer. He needs help and your just letting it go. Do something about this. I am just suggesting what I would do. I've seen this with other friends with their kids are out of control and they're in charge. I would go right out and shut down the power of the house that gets him off the video game and everything else. You can call 911 if he get way to violent and you can't control him. I know you love your child but you have to keep him under control, you might not be able to cope anymore.

[Realitysux]

I regret posting this now but my son is not a psycopath. Services and treatment are in place and there has a already been improvement. I have not had any such behavior since friday. I'd like to end the post now.