my head is a mess

[kivan3x]

all or nothing with me, black and white. 40 years old, 3 relationships in my life, the last one lasted nearly 10 years, and ended as long ago. it was the best / worst relationship ever. It was completely my fault it ended. I don't do casual and there's been no-one since.

 

we were very kinky and filmed loads of stuff. I deleted it all after the relationship finished, but found it hard to let go of what we did. A couple of years after the split, I realised that relationship had left me too kinky and it was mentally no place to be in if I was considering entering a new relationship, nor fair to go in with expectations of any of that.

 

I quit porn and tried abstinence of sexual thought. it was tough, temptation was everywhere, but with intermittent relapses, I kept this up for a good couple of years, but what I found was my kinky mind, by being repressed, was in fact crystallising. ideas of kink became more defined the more I tried to erase them. then a chance post I saw on a giving-up-porn site, led me to a fetish forum, and in an instance, I suddenly gave up all of that abstinence, and went in completely the opposite direction, and started to express the fantasies as artwork. which was nuts. and it turned out I was pretty good at it.

 

believe it or not, the intention through this expression was to try and find love. initially on the site there was loads of amazing feedback to my work, and women with similar fetishes to my own were getting in touch, wanting portraits etc. but the spark faded, and the idea of even meeting anyone, or actually finding any connection with anyone became us unlikely as it feels in real life. and if I am too kinky for the vanilla world, it is clear that I am not kinky enough for the fetish world. mine is a subtle, and strange place.

 

the recreational use of porn crept back in. them, a few months into this fetish art, another crazy thing happened - I salvaged some footage of the ex! this was crazy after 6 years, believing it all to have been completely destroyed, and it included the later, kinkier views we made which are the sexiest things I've ever seen, and unlike anything else that exists. I knew I had to delete it again, but with my head in this fetishistic frame, I justified not. after so many years of being alone, and my fetishes having no expression, it was just amazing and the emotional reaction was secondary to the visual, sexual one. the ex had said she didn't care what i did with the footage as long as no-one ever saw it, and I can't imagine anything worse than anyone seeing it, and anyway I had thought I had deleted it all.

 

fast forward two years, to this week, and something flips in my head and in an instance I delete everything, close the fetish forum account, delete all the newly amassed porn. I even deleted some of the stupid games I play on my phone.

 

I reason that karmically I have been so alone for so long, because deep down I know I have to stop all these bad habits. I reason that no one wonderful and new is appearing in my life because I am satisfying these needs with vacuous substitutes.

 

And so here I am, a mess, empty, sad, alone, the realisation of how ****ty a person I have been and how it's all my fault and what I deserve, is really hitting home. and now without any of those things that used to provide that empty distraction. and again not knowing where else to vent this but here..

[d0nnivain]

Everybody has their preferences. Why not seek out a partner who shares yours? True that person may not be easy to find but searching certainly beats the self flagellation you are doing now.

[maxi105]

hello kivan3, I will do my best to reply to your post as I don't know enough about what has rally gone on to say one thing or another with certainty about this, but what seems to come up is that you have been caught up in an addictive all consuming obsession or quick fix sucsesion of setting, reaching and re-setting sexual your bounderies to achieve and exceed you sexual highs and if ive read things right, the involvement into this side of your life has or had taken on more and more of your time/personal life with porn.

hhhmmm...for me I think it is nothing but shallow and empty when things get to those proportions of feeling out of control for you and it sounded like the dangers were building for who you were and became especially as its only really now that you have begun to see the real damage such an intese set of stimuli and reliance on sex has brought up for you.

 

I get that you are into sex and enjoy and have enjoyed it and are / have been willing and have been adventurous etc...so as donivain says it might well be worth your while thinking about meeting someone with those equal enjoyments and tastes in sexual preference etc: but from what you've said briefly about all of this Im not sure that what would help you if you've already had a long spell alone, as I feel that what would help you is to go much deeper in your self and try to work on the things that can help sort your head and deeper desires out, and I think unitil you sort that side out you are just prolonging the healing and opportunity to move forward in a healthier way for yourself.

 

you've had years of porn and wild sex and it has left you feeling empty in the end and void of things that really offer you substance or true happiness (or the joy of being with someone in a loving holistic way).

 

porn is about mostly fantasy and pushing those fantasies and games, thoughts, desires and bounderies with another or others etc sure you know all of that you are 40 and have been there etc....but I think you'd be better working on yourself, giving yourself a bit more time out. maybe think about getting a bit of therapy to clear your head so you can start again.

 

you sound like you are ready to start over so why not look to working on yourself and getting back out there to meet someone decent for the end of this or at least think about getting back out there for the coming year opr spring or whatever.

 

I think if you meet someone who can share a much deeper relationship with not just physical attraction or lust, but someone who meets your intelligence and will share other interests and care for you. you will find if you get someone compatible that the physical side will be more meaningful, powerful in a kinder more soulful way and will be more fulfilling as a more healthy and wholesome relationship where 2 people are actually discovering love, not getting brainwashed by the vacuousness of habitual or insecure societal expectation of sex (even in the fetish world im sure you can fall into worrying about what that world expects or how you have to be seen - if you start getting insecure).

 

sex alone will and has shown you is an empty thing if that's all there is. it is not sustainable forever in a lasting relationship that needs to grow, mature, develop and evolve!!!!! maybe you also need to think about not taping stuff if you do get back into a new relationship if you are bothered about others maybe potentially seeing it! in this computer age you don't know who can use images without you even knowing it or who might accidentally see them or share them if things go wrong or time passes and like you found out, images can come back to haunt you or drag up deep unsettling memories.

 

I think if you focus a bit more on the real things of relationships not just selfish superficial gratification side of sex how it can be sometimes or the need for it for the sake of it in addiction or work life balance that has gone astray, and think about the substance of what actual love involves and can bring, then I think you'll start to meet people and connect or re-connect (if that is appropriate) with people who you are more suited with , who can show you real love and trust and you can give back to equally whilst also having a greater security and bond with you.

 

its not too late.

 

if you have treated others badly then maybe you NEED and ought to address that properly too with them and apologise, it hasn't got to be heavy, but I think if you know you are or were wrong or really hurt someone; then communicating that will hopefully help you to start moving forward also.

 

I don't know what you've done obviously or gone through in all of this, but I do believe in apologies and giving people the chance to see where things went wrong and letting them talk back to help them or at least understand.

 

if you have treated others badly then you need to work on that as that has probably also played a part in why karma has come back at you the way it has.

 

game playing and roles and treating others badly may feel powerful etc...but it is always about real people with real feelings, and when emotions get involved if you are not careful you can be leaving scars and not even be aware of that.

 

so that's my thoughts on it. don't be too proud to talk to someone professional in a help line or therapy situation I think it can really help you talk and hear yourself communicate who you are now, who you've been and try to move to who you ought to be for your happiness and the happiness of those around you (platonic and lovewise suiters for the future).

 

offer apologies to those you have hurt and offer genuine reasons and let them talk if they need to get closure or understanding, work on what proper mature relationships are not just what marketing, exploitative medias and the sex industry peddles for the genders or steryotypes and see the reality in what is true happiness over cheap titillation and financial profits and if allowed to get out of control can dehumanise you and those caught up in the addictive and hollow craving sensations.

 

 

real people hopefully can find love and enjoy the tenderness, intimacy and care and respect that comes with that.

 

im interested in that you say you are sad and alone!!!! maybe that is your real (or part of you real problem..security, maybe you have hooked up into the extremes of sex (or maybe a bit more colourful element of sex) because really you are afraid of being alone and maybe think that not having wild sex every 2 minutes means you are a loser or that being alone means you are sad.

 

there are many people on their own out there that are strong, loving, caring and looking for love...proper love. what is sad about that?

 

 

what is potentially sadder in life is needing to keep pushing the bounderies of sex in an all consuming daily way without control or conscious thought any longer to an extent that it robs you of part of life's reality and the opportunity to experience true love with someone that can leave you feeling a shared joy and the power of togetherness that actually leaves you feeling BOTH GOOD not like some used vessel or performing but very empty shell (just sexual organs to be mauled, ground up and pummelled like a piece of meat).

 

don't get me wrong here, if you are kinky and you find the right person things can be great, if you are not kinky and you find the right person things can be great....if you find love it is great....for all that is in your situation, im not getting a sense of love...self love, love for how you are or were and even a love for the sex, but the latter thing is a good thing, it means you can see it for what it really was for so long but didn't take it in what it was doing to your soul, to your inner core or personality. it wasn't actually right for who you are or became and so it has dictated how you feel now!

 

I reckon if you can work on yourself and in time find love you will feel like you have all the riches in the world and will be able to keep your sense of self respect, inner peace and happiness and you will start to value the things that really bring a connection to others (in a partnership or casually with people you care about in a loving non sexual way).

 

 

ok, that's me done till later. good luck with it. you have realised your mistakes, so use this time to build yourself back up in a more constructive and positive and healthier way.

 

 

the ex has moved on, so maybe you need to do the same. cleansing yourself will help you start to heal as well as talking to someone and offering apologies to all those you hurt whuj.

 

 

ps...you also say youre last relationship was the best and worst!!!!! for me that doesn't sound compatible in the way that im reading it in your post.

 

you can be with the wrong person for decades and stay in it for fear or for a billion other reasons. a happy loving relationship for me is the best with bits that you work at and it when awful things happen it can really test you, but its always the best. for me, it sounds like when things broke down and you had time to reflect or were forced to see how you were behaving for your own comfort with yourself!!!!!...that's the real time you saw with a clear head that what you thought you wanted and repeated endlessly and thought you wanted with your ex (or exe's) potentially became addictive as well as corrosive for you on the inside as it took you over.

 

of course I don't know you or the situation in its details, these are just my thoughts on what you've posted. but its an honest post and I also appreciate your honesty in your post.

 

good luck, you can pull this around im sure. just be honest with yourself and commit to sorting things out properly and im sure you will feel the rewards in time and can slowly move forward.

 

maxi.

[kivan3x]

Dearest D0nnivain and Maxi

 

many thanks for your replies, they mean the world to me. I think I wrote the post expecting/wanting some kind of retribution or criticism for my actions, but really what I needed was a kind and understanding ear. thank you for your very generous replies.

 

I realised after I'd written it that the original post was somewhat self flagellatory. I normally try to keep a positive mind, and have tried to never bemoan my solitary existence, and be grateful for what I have and have had in my life. But that day was the low.

 

However, giving everything up, all those questionable habits, was very much with the intention of a move in the right direction, a positive one, to focus less on the fetish and kink, and to try to return to a more wholesome me. I've had this battle in my head through the last few years of expressing my self through the fetishistic art, and the exploration of all of that, that actually I should be focusing on love, the real obsession. My last relationship, which technically started nearly 20 years ago, was all about love, and it was only because we were so in tune and in love with each other, that we both felt comfortable and free to explore whatever we both wanted. And I am going back to that, or will at least try to, to think of love first, and allow the rest fall into place.

 

I feel in a better place. I wouldn't say I had a problem with porn, and the last bout of trying to give it up certainly helped measure my use of it. So it would be once or twice a week, usually when I've worked really hard, or on a hangover after drinking with friends, I'd 'treat' myself.. But it is still maintaining unrealistic expectations. And it was increasing if I'm honest, and an unhealthy cycle and I know I feel a better person without it in my life, and now forsaking the last few years of fetish art as well feels like a major step in the right direction (I spent hundreds of hours on that stuff!)

 

last time I gave up porn / sexual thought, it felt more of a battle, but I feel strangely at one with it this time round. it was a moment's thought, and within minutes I had deleted everything. my worry is though, the next time I feel tired and alone and/or hangover, or with the lessening of this current state of resolve, will it all just slip back? maybe it doesn't matter, I don't know

 

Maxi, I really appreciate your advice. I am no longer connected with the ex from x years ago, she has a husband and kid(s?) and I don't think she harbours any resentment towards me. I should have treated her better, but I didn't outright treat her badly. She was a very well balanced woman with a good perspective on things, though as I have come to understand it, finishing was difficult for us both. She went very quickly into another relationship, which at the time was extremely difficult for me, and made me think it wasn't for her at all. But an older, slightly wiser me, understands we all deal with things in different ways. I say sorry to her in my heart, and I wish her well.

 

And yes I say the best and the worst.. we were utterly compatible, loved the same music, film, food, partying habits, level of intimacy etc.. and it *should* have been so happy, but I found it torturous. I was unable to reconcile things from her past and they became my demons. I was young and stupid and haggard by the sleeplessness that came from obsessing over these thoughts. Ok, so I did treat her badly - I tried to keep these thoughts to myself, but they darkened me, and she knew, and it hurt her. And every now and then, an argument would erupt and it would all come out. I'd immediately hate myself after, and I always said it wasn't the real me, nor how I felt or actually thought. Back then I called it depression, but I renounce that now, and take responsibility for myself and my actions. I was weak, and stupid, and blind. I was young.

 

A few years ago, I had this revelation.. that instead of cursing the exes; oh that I hadn't met them! oh the pain they gave me and left me with! oh I'd have met The One by now if it wasn't for them... that actually NO! they were amazing, beautiful women, I was blessed to be with them, and the realisation of what truly amazing relationships they were. What a turnaround!

 

I hope I have learnt a lot these last few years' and have tried to become a better, stronger and happier person. It's not been entirely possible to forgive myself for what I did to her and myself through my lack of perspective, and the loneliness sometimes gets the better of me, but I always bounce back!

 

Ah, the last time I posted a problem here, I found it strange and uncomfortable to go on about myself, and the attention / attention seeking, and said that everything was fine and ran away. I read a post somewhere else on here that I wish I had saved, where someone said very kindly, that here was the one place we could.. be selfish, go on about our problems, seek help, and that it's ok. I mean, they said it much nicer. I have some wonderful friends in real life, but I can't talk to them about any of this, and I really appreciate being able to.

 

And how are you maxi and D0nnivain? I hope very well

 

with best wishes and lots of love and thanks again for your kindness

 

kivx

[kivan3x]

*my heart is a mess.

 

am I too kinky for love? too love obsessed for the world of kink?

 

a month on, after this radical change in approach. I feel good. no porn, no sexual thought. I mean it still hurts a lot, in some ways maybe a little more, as I'm not using those things to dull the pain.

 

one of my (many) fetishes is a very everyday thing of black stockings/hold-ups/tights, which I've had since I was like 8. I've been lucky enough to have girlfriends in the past who were very happy to dress up for me, and fulfil my sexy clothes fetish. If I see it in public, I understand the line, and have always done my best to be honourable. If I notice someone wearing the 'perfect' outfit (short skirt, one of the above 'accessories', etc), there follows no more than a glance. at my weakest a couple of glances. However now that I am trying to abandon these things, I realise how affected I was by it all, that there was an insane internal dialogue around kind of wanting to look again and I realise on some level I was subconsciously looking out for it. I guess I just really miss my beautiful ex dressing up for me. (10+ years ago )

 

this past month, no P no MO, no looking out or thinking about the above fetishes and all the others. Stopping the thought when I have it. Not trying to replace this loneliness with something that ultimately doesn't help, and karmically probably drives real love further away. The me that attracted those few wonderful people to me in my youth, 20 some years ago, was a way more innocent, less jaded version of me, even with these kinks in tow. I hope to return to that. I feel better.

 

I know some of the kinks and fantasies might always be there, they are

deep rooted, but I am at least giving myself a break from these thoughts and obsessions for a good few months, to see what it does for me, and again with the hope of a clearer me not needing to find someone equivalently kinky. I've given destiny a hell of a riddle, trying to find someone right for me, someone for whom I would be right for with all these dichotomies. Love first, let all that come later.