MindYourBusiness Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 Hey guys, I have been seeing someone since February. We meet every one or two weeks and usually go out for dinner and then each of us goes home. We had 1-2 kisses in this time, never got more intimate. I met a few of his friends but never his family. He also explained once that him moving slow is because things went wrong in the past when he went too fast. However, its been over half a year now... Do you guys think he's just looking for a friend maybe? What does this behavior mean? We also never really text or talk between our "dates". Happy to hear you guys thoughts on what this may mean Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 There's moving slow...and there's moving SLOW. This guy is taking things to extremes. We can't tell you what his behaviour means. However his motivation doesn't matter anyway. What does matter is whether or not this type of dating meets your needs. Personally, I would chalked him up as a time waster and been gone a long time ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 I think he's dating other girls and keeping you on the backburner. Have you had sex yet? Are you two exclusive? the other scenario is that he's a closeted homosexual who it trying to show his friends/family/co-workers that he's not gay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 Wow, I would have lost interest a long time ago. I'm surprised you're still hanging in there with such little communication, intimacy, and connection. This guy is not interested in a serious relationship with you. I hope you're open to dating others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 He could be gay and just putting on a show, or he could have erectile dysfunction. He could be hung up on an ex and not feel like moving on (as he said, basically). He could be dating someone else but not "cheating" on her by his own rules of not having sex. Any of these are real possibilities. And it could be more than one of those, like being careful because of the past and he has erectile dysfunction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 15, 2018 Author Share Posted September 15, 2018 I think he's dating other girls and keeping you on the backburner. Have you had sex yet? Are you two exclusive? the other scenario is that he's a closeted homosexual who it trying to show his friends/family/co-workers that he's not gay. We have never had sex but we did kiss each other. We are definitely not exclusive and never even had a talk that would come close to be about us being exclusive. We usually talk politics when we see each other.. It is a really weird relationship if I think about it. But he makes plans with me for future dates etc. which doesn't make sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 I'm a slow mover too, probably not 6 months slow but you should simply ask him any concerns you have and ask for honesty. He may be dating multiple people or at a busy time where he doesn't have time for more. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 What do you want to happen? Would you like to have sex with him? Do you want to be exclusive? Do you want to meet more of his friends and family? Do you expect to be included in his holiday plans? You need to tell him what your expectations are & ask about his. Once you both know where the other stands you can make a decision about continuing. Maybe your future is simply meeting to talk politics. That can be fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 Yikes... something is up with his sex drive or the sexual attraction he has for you.. most guys would be climbing a wall wanting to have sex after 2-3 months let alone a 7-8 months if they were attracted to the woman. He is either asexual and only looking for a friend or something else is up... I say it's time to call him out on the carpet and discuss the relationship going further a ton faster.. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 You said you wanted to take things slow so he's obeying. He's not a mind reader, tell him you enjoy seeing him and you'd like to see him more often. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 Something is wrong ... and you really want to react much earlier than this. You've wanted more for going on seven months ... This is good practice for you ... because you have a chance to rewire your thinking ... you really want clarity ... I would say after one month ... like ... even if the clarity is ... "We're going a step at a time." Your meeting schedule with this guy reminds me of my meeting schedule with women friends-buddies-coworkers. You haven't had sex and this guy hasn't done anything horrible. Count yourself fortunate. Now you want to think about how you can get a voice ... and speak up much earlier in the relationship. Holding your tongue and not asserting what you want and acting on how the other person is treating you ... those are a recipe for a disaster for a future relationship. What do you think got in the way of you speaking up or dumping this guy months ago? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 You said you wanted to take things slow so he's obeying. He's not a mind reader, tell him you enjoy seeing him and you'd like to see him more often. Ohh l completely missunderstood l thought You had told him you wanted to take things slow! Personally l would not date someone wanting "to take things slow" lt usually means they're still hung up on an ex or not interested in serious dating. His actions suggest that as well. Talk to him and if he doesn't feel like escalating this a notch then abort. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 His behaviour means he's not very interested in you, OP. You're the stand-by when his other plans don't pan out. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 15, 2018 Share Posted September 15, 2018 Totally friend zoned. Don't look at this as dating...because it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
ericw899 Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 He could be gay and just putting on a show, or he could have erectile dysfunction. He could be hung up on an ex and not feel like moving on (as he said, basically). He could be dating someone else but not "cheating" on her by his own rules of not having sex. Any of these are real possibilities. And it could be more than one of those, like being careful because of the past and he has erectile dysfunction. How sexist is society that if a man doesn't jump at every chance to have sex with a woman, then he is automatically gay or has a medical condition? Perhaps he has self-respect and doesn't want to be intimate until he reaches an "I love you" level. As for you OP, I can't explain what is going on, but by seeing each other only 1-2 times every other week, I take it that he is a very busy man. I agree he could text you between the dates but everyone has their own way of doing things. The fact though that he has been committed to seeing you for 8 months means that he sees something in you & if he indeed is taking things slow, I believe you should have a sit down discussion about where you want to see things go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 16, 2018 Author Share Posted September 16, 2018 How sexist is society that if a man doesn't jump at every chance to have sex with a woman, then he is automatically gay or has a medical condition? Perhaps he has self-respect and doesn't want to be intimate until he reaches an "I love you" level. As for you OP, I can't explain what is going on, but by seeing each other only 1-2 times every other week, I take it that he is a very busy man. I agree he could text you between the dates but everyone has their own way of doing things. The fact though that he has been committed to seeing you for 8 months means that he sees something in you & if he indeed is taking things slow, I believe you should have a sit down discussion about where you want to see things go. Thank you for your thoughts on this. I honestly don't feel friend zoned ( I may be wrong ) but when we go out for dinner it usually is more romantic spots, we drink wine etc. Personally, I feel like I missed the point where I should have asked him what he thinks about where thinks are going. Do you think I could still do that? After 8 month he obviously became really important to me and if I can't want him as a boyfriend I would love to have him as a close friend in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 ... if I can't want him as a boyfriend I would love to have him as a close friend in my life. he's already your close friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 16, 2018 Author Share Posted September 16, 2018 he's already your close friend Well I guess that can easily change if I tell him that I am really attracted and looking for a relationship. If he really does not want that it could scare him away Link to post Share on other sites
ericw899 Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 Thank you for your thoughts on this. I honestly don't feel friend zoned ( I may be wrong ) but when we go out for dinner it usually is more romantic spots, we drink wine etc. Personally, I feel like I missed the point where I should have asked him what he thinks about where thinks are going. Do you think I could still do that? After 8 month he obviously became really important to me and if I can't want him as a boyfriend I would love to have him as a close friend in my life. I wouldn't say you are definitely friendzoned. Some people are more shy than others, and perhaps he has wanted to ask you to be his girlfriend, but kept chickening out and now feels to awkward to. Next time you go out with him to a romantic setting, try discussing a future and hint towards wanting to put a label on it and see how he responds. Maybe he will say "I would love that" or he may say "I prefer we just be friends" Really a win-win either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 16, 2018 Author Share Posted September 16, 2018 I wouldn't say you are definitely friendzoned. Some people are more shy than others, and perhaps he has wanted to ask you to be his girlfriend, but kept chickening out and now feels to awkward to. Next time you go out with him to a romantic setting, try discussing a future and hint towards wanting to put a label on it and see how he responds. Maybe he will say "I would love that" or he may say "I prefer we just be friends" Really a win-win either way. That is true. How do I even bring that up after all this time though? He also seems really nervous sometimes, for example last time he got here when I cooked dinner for us, he had a restless leg syndrome and kept laughing. Link to post Share on other sites
ericw899 Posted September 16, 2018 Share Posted September 16, 2018 That is true. How do I even bring that up after all this time though? He also seems really nervous sometimes, for example last time he got here when I cooked dinner for us, he had a restless leg syndrome and kept laughing. That tells me he may suffer from anxiety or just may lack the confidence to be able to outright say it. If I were you I would say "You know I really enjoy spending time with you and if you feel the same way I would love to progress to the next level". This may help him say what he is feeling towards you. As a shy-guy myself, I know it can be tough saying how we feel. Just feel him out and see if you can get him to open up. He seems like a good guy who just doesn't know how to tell you what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 17, 2018 Share Posted September 17, 2018 This is a great opportunity for you to step up and co-direct the relationship. Here's the thing that you might be missing: in a situation like yours, staying silent and patient almost never works. I really don't need to use the word "almost." Truly, patience like this NEVER works. And your heart is broken right now ... because you're not experiencing what you want in the relationship. So making clear you want more ... isn't going to result in any worse position. Sure, you'll no longer have an illusion in your head to hang onto if he says he's not interested in romance. But you will get past this. Lose the terror of someone saying they're not interested. Ideally you want them to make their disinterest clear early on ... so you can adjust your expectations and let go and move on to another interest. Speak. You'll be nervous, but that's part of the fun of romance, the risk and nervousness of revealing yourself. When I look back on my life, when I was clear in my interest and the other person rejected me, yeah ... some pain ... But when I wasn't clear in my interest and nothing developed ... for those situations I feel regret and a sense of loss ... Never let cowardice get in the way of seeking love. This guy sounds like he's sorta respectful. When can you talk to him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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