A bit cynical from being financially generous to dates...

[Syre17]

I’m curious to gather peoples perspectives on dating and who pays for what, when, for how long, etc.

 

I’m single, and somewhat old fashioned, meaning that I always pay for the first and many if not most subsequent dates entirely and feel an obligation to do so. I enjoy good food, nice wine and always take my dates or women who am I romantically involved with to nice places...think Ruth’s Chris and that level of establishment.

 

I also make a great living and do tend to be generous to a fault. I’ve also paid (entirely) for some pretty lavish trips that I’ve taken women who I’ve dated longer term on. What has made me a bit cynical (ok a lot cynical) however, is that I find that the vast majority of women won’t even offer to do so much as buy me a beer when we’re a half dozen dates or more in (or on a trip). I’m a pretty easy fellow to please and I think for me, just offering is huge, and I’d probably decline their offfer anyway.

 

That said, if they insisted on picking up the tab for a cocktail, or a bottle of wine, I’d be thrilled, grateful and happy with just that small gesture. I should add, I’ve dated women from all financial levels, some didn’t make a lot of money and some made a ton of it, but it seems to be universal to me regardless of their financial picture.

 

Again, want to be clear that I’m happy paying for most everything but is it too much to expect for a woman to buy (or at least offer) me a drink or maybe pay for a meal on a nice trip?!?!? What is everyone’s perspective? If you’ve experienced this, how did you deal with it?

 

Thanks for the insight everyone!

Edited September 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and clarify title

[kendahke]

There's a huge thread around here somewhere that addresses your question. I'm surprised it's not tacked at the top of the list.

 

 

Here it is

Edited September 15, 2018 by kendahke

[BaileyB]

Yes, there is another thread...

 

But to answer your question - my boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/5 years. We split everything almost 50/50. I often buy dinner, or a bottle of wine, etc... Not trips - neither of us has the disposable income right now to do that. To me, it's only fair. I love it when he treats me to dinner - I think he loves it when I show up with his favorite beer when he's BBQ'ing dinner...

 

I have a professional job and I have worked hard to own my own home and build assets. I would never expect a man to oay for everything. I would never want to be dependent on a man financially... But, that's just me.

[Gretchen12]

It sounds like you are not actually looking for the woman to share the cost. You are looking for a gesture, an offer to pay for something small, way less than what you are paying. Maybe you can get in touch with your feelings and pinpoint exactly what you are seeking emotionally. Because an offer is not even always that genuine anyway. So even if she offers as a sort of formality, it may not fulfill something else you are seeking.

What would make you happy? I don't think your post is about dating etiquette. I think it has to do with wanting to feel valued?? Not taken for granted?

[basil67]

When I met my now husband, I was separated and without much to my name. He was earning substantially more than me. So he paid for a lot of our dates, but I contributed where I could. As I gained more financial stability, I was able to treat him to the occasional nice restaurant. Or I'd pay for the movie and he'd buy dinner.

 

By the time my divorce settlement came in, I was already living with him. I used my money to buy a decent used car for us to share and he sold his old bomb.

[d0nnivain]

Try working your way up to the lavishness. There are plenty of great restaurants, maybe even a BYO, that are 1/2 the cost of Ruth Chris. When you start there & keep that level up, certain women think that money is no object for you. Perhaps don't treat someone to a lavish vacation if she hasn't so much as bought you a beer.

[alphamale]

what kind of car do you drive? I mean the one you pick up your dates in?

[guest569]

How many women do you date? Maybe try being more selective and you'll have less dinners to pay for. If you feel resentment over it then start small on the first date.. Just drinks.. Small snack.. Build up to a dinner date when you're sure you want to splash out on her.

[preraph]

Those places you're going like Ruth Chris's and buying wine and all that too, that would be way outside of the budget for every woman I know. I understand you like to eat at nice places, but if I were you, I'd mix it up a little and not always do a big dinner with wine. Like go to Ruth Chris's later on if you've been dating awhile, maybe. Go to an inexpensive Italian place or a great burger or taco joint more often. Don't buy wine all the time. Don't even drink all the time. It's kind of a red flag, even when it's great wine with dinner.

 

The problem with being giving is you do expect something back and so resentment builds. So on new dates, it's really silly to go all out like that. No one is going to fuss if you spend $20 on them rather than $50. Most people are just doing coffee or ice cream on first dates to see if they person is even in the ballpark or not. You can always treat yourself to that steak later.

[Garcon1986]

I once got criticized by a frustrated woman - do you have nothing better to offer than your wallet?

 

If you buy nice things for people, anybody will start expecting bigger and bigger, girlfriend or no girlfriend.

 

Ladies and most anybody else will appreciate things more if you make them work for it.

 

I've been able to spend a lot less on my last relationship as a result.

[Syre17]

what kind of car do you drive? I mean the one you pick up your dates in?

 

I drive a Lexus. That aside, I’m pretty easy to find on the Internet due to my career, job title, etc. it wouldn’t be difficult in this day and age for a woman to Google me and ascertain that I make a good living. Maybe I should buy and drive a jalopy for dates!?!? Lol

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to drive a junker car. Just save Ruth Chris & comparable places for later dates. Find a more economical place where you like the food for 1st dates.

[Mr. Lucky]

Find a more economical place where you like the food for 1st dates.

 

Agreed. One advantage of the Paneras of the world is no waiter hovering over your shoulder to interrupt the flow. And I'd think the low-key setting might put your dates more at ease. Save the top-shelf places for special occasions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[grays]

I think you sound very generous and your heart is in the right place. You just don’t want to feel taken advantage of or go unacknowleged. Yeah?

 

The advice to make the first date less expensive is a good. I really don’t want a guy to spend a substantial amount on me when I’m not sure if I like him. So for the first date, I usually suggest something daytime and outside, like a walk on the beach or a hike, maybe coffee or ice cream.

 

I have dated two men in the last few years that have a ton of money. It feels awkward to me but I’ve pretty much never offered to pay. The one time I did I got the impression that he felt taken aback. The other one is so filthy rich it’s absurd. Just recently I’ve started to kind of enjoy that the current one has so much money. We don’t do lavish things together, but there was a night recently when we went to a bar and I had four gin and tonics. I know this sounds like a small thing, but when I go out on dates with guys who have more normal finances, I would normally stop after two. But it actually felt freeing and nice to not have to worry about the money, to just go with the flow and appreciate it. I think/hope that he feels that I’d be there with him whether he had money or not.

 

Anyway, just saying this because maybe maybe their feelings about it are more complicated than you realize.

[Syre17]

I think you sound very generous and your heart is in the right place. You just don’t want to feel taken advantage of or go unacknowleged. Yeah?

 

The advice to make the first date less expensive is a good. I really don’t want a guy to spend a substantial amount on me when I’m not sure if I like him. So for the first date, I usually suggest something daytime and outside, like a walk on the beach or a hike, maybe coffee or ice cream.

 

I have dated two men in the last few years that have a ton of money. It feels awkward to me but I’ve pretty much never offered to pay. The one time I did I got the impression that he felt taken aback. The other one is so filthy rich it’s absurd. Just recently I’ve started to kind of enjoy that the current one has so much money. We don’t do lavish things together, but there was a night recently when we went to a bar and I had four gin and tonics. I know this sounds like a small thing, but when I go out on dates with guys who have more normal finances, I would normally stop after two. But it actually felt freeing and nice to not have to worry about the money, to just go with the flow and appreciate it. I think/hope that he feels that I’d be there with him whether he had money or not.

 

Anyway, just saying this because maybe maybe their feelings about it are more complicated than you realize.

 

I think you’re right in that I don’t want to feel taken advantage of. Good input and thank you.

[Syre17]

Those places you're going like Ruth Chris's and buying wine and all that too, that would be way outside of the budget for every woman I know. I understand you like to eat at nice places, but if I were you, I'd mix it up a little and not always do a big dinner with wine. Like go to Ruth Chris's later on if you've been dating awhile, maybe. Go to an inexpensive Italian place or a great burger or taco joint more often. Don't buy wine all the time. Don't even drink all the time. It's kind of a red flag, even when it's great wine with dinner.

 

The problem with being giving is you do expect something back and so resentment builds. So on new dates, it's really silly to go all out like that. No one is going to fuss if you spend $20 on them rather than $50. Most people are just doing coffee or ice cream on first dates to see if they person is even in the ballpark or not. You can always treat yourself to that steak later.

 

I hear you. Understand, it isn’t always a Ruth’s Chris type place. That said, even Ruth’s Chris has a wonderful and inexpensive happy hour and I’ve had that for roughly the same cost as Chipotle! Not kidding... My last girlfriend and I would go to a Mexican place she (and I) both liked for taco Tuesday

just about every week. Tacos were $1.50 and beers were $2.00...she still never once even offered to pick up the tab, which was usually way less than $20 for the two of us.

[Syre17]

It sounds like you are not actually looking for the woman to share the cost. You are looking for a gesture, an offer to pay for something small, way less than what you are paying. Maybe you can get in touch with your feelings and pinpoint exactly what you are seeking emotionally. Because an offer is not even always that genuine anyway. So even if she offers as a sort of formality, it may not fulfill something else you are seeking.

What would make you happy? I don't think your post is about dating etiquette. I think it has to do with wanting to feel valued?? Not taken for granted?

 

Agreed on the feeling valued and not taken for granted. I think there is a little part of me that also wants to feel some slight financial security. I make plenty, but just knowing someone can or would buy the groceries each month if the relationship developed and say we moved in together. When I was married, I covered all the big ticket expenses, mortgage, cars, etc. and my ex would often take care of things like groceries and dining out. It wasn’t anywhere near 50/50, and I was okay with that...it worked for us. Even when we dated, she was a bit different than what I experience now...would buy dinner once in a while, etc. and I liked that.

[Syre17]

There's a huge thread around here somewhere that addresses your question. I'm surprised it's not tacked at the top of the list.

 

 

Here it is

 

Thanks for finding and sharing the thread! I’ve been reading through it.

[BaileyB]

My last girlfriend and I would go to a Mexican place she (and I) both liked for taco Tuesday just about every week. Tacos were $1.50 and beers were $2.00...she still never once even offered to pick up the tab, which was usually way less than $20 for the two of us.

 

Well then, you may need to look at the “type” of women you are dating.

 

But, I also suspect that you set it up such that you like to be “the provider.” You have the financial means to take women out and treat them well - I’m sure it is much appreciated and it probably feels good to you to (or you wouldn’t do it). If you want something different, then you need to set your expectations accordingly and communicate that to your date early in the relationship. These women may have the expectation that you will pay for everything because you have in fact, essentially set it up to be just that way...

[William]

A member reported this thread for inclusion in the consolidated paying for dates thread and moderation decided, since it pertained to one particular member's dating issues, to leave the thread as a stand-alone as long as it addressed that member's dates. I also re-titiled the thread for more clarity on the topic and will move this to our Dating forum.

 

However, as the consolidated thread had gone dormant since the site outage, I bumped it up for more general comments and pinned it for awhile. Thanks for the report and please continue!

[JuneL]

Did the women you’re dating cook dinners sometimes?

[Syre17]

I found this in the link/thread on the same topic that someone shared on my thread and I must say, I think I like and will try this approach. Just about everyone asks about deal breakers so seems appropriate.

 

The key is communication early on.

 

Here's what I do. A GREAT question to ask is "What are a few of your deal breakers when dating someone?" She'll answer and then ask you what yours are. This works well because you're speaking in generalities without directly aiming at her. But it allows you to get your point across. One thing I always say is " I won't date a woman that expects me to plan and pay for every single date. I enjoy handling the details usually, but I appreciate it when she takes an active interest so it isn't one sided."

 

Answering anything under this question is really powerful. Once again, it isn't directly aimed at her. But it's telling her in one way or another what you won't tolerate.

[Syre17]

Did the women you’re dating cook dinners sometimes?

 

Some have, but it seems to be the exception and not the norm, at least in my experience. The few who have, I’ve been appreciative, and expresssed my gratitude. Usually I still say, “let me pick up some

wine or bring the dessert...” or something along those lines. I would and do feel like if they cooked a meal at home for us, that is some level of reciprocity.

[Syre17]

Well then, you may need to look at the “type” of women you are dating.

 

But, I also suspect that you set it up such that you like to be “the provider.” You have the financial means to take women out and treat them well - I’m sure it is much appreciated and it probably feels good to you to (or you wouldn’t do it). If you want something different, then you need to set your expectations accordingly and communicate that to your date early in the relationship. These women may have the expectation that you will pay for everything because you have in fact, essentially set it up to be just that way...

 

Sage advice and I think you’re right.

[FMW]

Maybe you are attracted to and mostly date women who like to be taken care of. That includes having a man "pay" for them. Maybe you're only dating younger women who aren't making enough money who feel they aren't in a position to pay.

 

I actively insist on paying at least half of the time, and actually end up buying tickets for expensive events I enjoy and inviting a man to go with me, my treat. But I am probably too independent in my actions and seem to attract more passive men, so again, you probably are attracted to and mainly dating women who want and expect to be taken care of.