Does having sex too soon with a guy ruin things?

[RedHead5]

If the woman wants sex on the first meeting I get suspicious. A bj is ok though. If the first meeting goes well and we vibe great, not well, but great on the second date, sex is ok.

 

If we get to the 4th or 5th date and she's still holding out I'll suspect she's using me to alleviate her boredom, trying to make someone jealous or some other thing and I'll typically stop contacting her.

 

 

I'm not looking for a committed relationship right now but, I don't want to keep company with a woman who has some type of agenda for hanging out with me.

 

A BJ is okay though.

 

Of course it is lolololol

[RedHead5]

Alot of girls get upset about being ghosted because they had higher expectations of what the future was going to be. They got their feelings hurt when the picture in their mind didn't line up to reality.

 

I don't think the guy is a jerk in this situation AS LONG AS he did not say or do things to convince her to sleep with him knowing he was not really interested or that she was looking for something more.

 

I think alot of these girls are the clingy ones too. Which turns the guy off and sets off a whole chain reaction.

 

We only think it's wrong to sleep with people quickly bc our society and culture has led us to believe that. It's really not a big deal. If you are not exclusive, wear condoms, get tested, and stay safe.

 

I will say sleeping together does cause some chemical reactions in the brain that make you feel closer to a person so it does have the potential to cloud your judgement but that will eventually fade.

[snowboy91]

Sex is an important part of compatibility in a relationship, but it still is only one part. If a guy ghosts/leaves after having sex early on, it's possible that there wasn't sexual compatibility, or there is a mismatch of personalities/values which would have caused him to ghost anyway even if sex didn't happen. Or he buys into the idea that a woman is lower value if they have sex too early. Whichever way you look at it, it was never going to work anyway. This double standard is really frustrating though - I really don't understand what makes a woman less desirable for sleeping with a guy right away. She might still get in a relationship with you if she feels like you're the right person.

 

And this is why I always come back to the idea that sex should happen whenever it feels natural for both people. If you want to wait, then wait. The right guy (or girl) will wait. If you want to jump into bed at the first date, power to you. Similarly, the right guy or girl won't judge you for doing so.

Edited September 17, 2018 by snowboy91

[Dis]

Since she thinks no man at our age that is in their right mind. Would be foolish enough to invest in long term dating let alone marriage, without getting sex out of the way.

 

As to the under 30 crowd today, I would wonder if they have a pulse if they're not having at it as soon as possible.

 

Sex before marriage, of course

 

Sex when exclusively dating, of course

 

BJ on the first date, maybe not a good idea

[preraph]

^ Yeah, but most women are way more picky than guys. All I know is all the guys I know pretty much had huge numbers compared to the women I know. And the women I knew in the 70s were no prudes, but they weren't interested in having sex with every guy. They would pursue one they were attracted to and then have sex right away, but they weren't attracted to most guys. Most women, even us 70s women, were still picky and we were not able to have sex with every guy we wanted to either. Like say I had a little crush or attraction to someone, but he wasn't acting interested, but then maybe one night he got wasted and decided I was good enough for the night -- I wasn't going along with that. Women want the guy to be interested in them.

[thefooloftheyear]

^ Yeah, but most women are way more picky than guys. All I know is all the guys I know pretty much had huge numbers compared to the women I know. And the women I knew in the 70s were no prudes, but they weren't interested in having sex with every guy. They would pursue one they were attracted to and then have sex right away, but they weren't attracted to most guys. Most women, even us 70s women, were still picky and we were not able to have sex with every guy we wanted to either. Like say I had a little crush or attraction to someone, but he wasn't acting interested, but then maybe one night he got wasted and decided I was good enough for the night -- I wasn't going along with that. Women want the guy to be interested in them.

 

 

I'm a little younger than you, but I agree even in my era...No internet...Back then women were pretty selective....I mean sure, you had the coked up party girls that were down for anything but no one really saw them as anything to latch onto and have your kids...

 

Its different now, and even a lot of older women(who might have been tighter than a clam in the old days) have relaxed their standards.. There is less of a stigma now, so they are taking advantage of that...IME

 

TFY

[losangelena]

If the woman wants sex on the first meeting I get suspicious. A bj is ok though. If the first meeting goes well and we vibe great, not well, but great on the second date, sex is ok.

 

If we get to the 4th or 5th date and she's still holding out I'll suspect she's using me to alleviate her boredom, trying to make someone jealous or some other thing and I'll typically stop contacting her.

 

I'm not looking for a committed relationship right now but, I don't want to keep company with a woman who has some type of agenda for hanging out with me.

 

Thanks for demystifying all of this. What does the lucky lady get if she manages to time the whole thing correctly?

[losangelena]

I think the safest answer here is to say that it can ruin things.

 

Men like to be with a woman they can be proud of. We want someone we can show off to our friends, introduce to our parents, that sort of thing. We want to look at our woman and wonder how on Earth we got so lucky for such a great girl to wanna be with us.

 

The problem is, we as men won't get any of that from a girl that has been around the block a few too many times. How do you show a girl off to your friends when she has already hooked up with a couple of them? How do you introduce a girl to your parents when she hooked up with the old guy that works with your dad? How do you look at her and feel lucky when you know that she has already been with 29812 other guys, and you are just 29813? The answer is, you can't, and you don't.

 

With all that in mind, as a guy, if a new girl hooks up with us on the first date, most of us know that it ain't special. If she hooked up with me on the first date, how many other dudes has she hooked up with right away? Sure, I was in on it too, but when you factor in how easy it is for women to get dates and how men have to really put the work in, it's really not the same. She could literally be blowing a new guy every day while I worked for 2 weeks just to get the one date with her. Hence the double standard.

 

I get what you're saying and agree that a lot of men feel similarly. It's quite to read though, because it signifies, to me anyway, that a lot of men still see a woman as a kind of "status symbol," something he can "show off." It's that kind of attitude I sincerely hope dies out one day.

[Woggle]

I get what you're saying and agree that a lot of men feel similarly. It's quite to read though, because it signifies, to me anyway, that a lot of men still see a woman as a kind of "status symbol," something he can "show off." It's that kind of attitude I sincerely hope dies out one day.

 

Both sexes see a mate as a status symbol and it will never die. The only thing you can do is hopefully find somebody who feels the same way you do.

[preraph]

I'm a little younger than you, but I agree even in my era...No internet...Back then women were pretty selective....I mean sure, you had the coked up party girls that were down for anything but no one really saw them as anything to latch onto and have your kids...

 

Its different now, and even a lot of older women(who might have been tighter than a clam in the old days) have relaxed their standards.. There is less of a stigma now, so they are taking advantage of that...IME

 

TFY

 

Hey, I was a coked up party girl, but coke never made me want to have sex like it does men. It just kept me awake after I'd drank too much, pretty much, and I didn't really ever get high from it, so I only did it when I was with someone doing it. And let me clear for the youngsters, coke back then wasn't crack, which I would never mess around with.

 

There was no stigma to sleeping around in the 70s, and no one seemed judgy about it. You didn't ask what someone's number was, but if you knew people, you could see if they picked up a new person every night or not. And a lot of guys did. I was pretty extreme for a woman, but even at my most predatory, I still didn't get laid as often as men in my same circle did. Of course, that may depend on location. There were lots of pretty girls where I was at in that period and not as many attractive guys, so girls were always lined up for the attractive guys. I worked with a guy who was abusive, but he picked up a new girl every night. Once in awhile he went out with one more than once, the ones that would put up with his abuse. And that guy wasn't even in a band. Those band guys, you wouldn't believe how many of them have numbers like Gene Simmons.

[carhill]

 

I gave him a blow job on the first date, but we didnt have sex until we hung out like 8 or so times.

 

OP, if you're still reading, question.... on that first date had he stopped you from felating him, how would you have felt about that?

 

I ask because delaying sex, even overtly, went over exceedingly poorly with women of my generation that I dated, especially while still a virgin. Very unmanly, or so the tone of responses went. It was apparently like a rejection, like a man is getting a gift or something and he rejects it. I never viewed sex as a gift, not even while married, rather a method of expressing love. Was that wrong for my generation/demographic? Apparently!

 

What would you have felt/done if he had lifted your face from going down to his genitals and given you a kiss and said 'in time'?

 

FWIW, though this was well over a generation ago, I had to 'rush' sex to even get a modicum of dating flow going, at all. Why? If momma ain't happy no one is happy.

 

Does having sex too soon ruin things? IMO, no, not if the people are on the same page sexually. It's a compatibility issue. IMO, improve your social status to widen your dating pool to gain more diversity in male sexual and relationship styles. Stick with your style. Be you. If you means fellatio on the first date, OK. Go with that. Don't waste time with guys who aren't on the same page sexually as you are. Dating is very discriminatory. Do your part. It'll work out.

[newyorker11356]

I think the safest answer here is to say that it can ruin things.

 

Men like to be with a woman they can be proud of. We want someone we can show off to our friends, introduce to our parents, that sort of thing. We want to look at our woman and wonder how on Earth we got so lucky for such a great girl to wanna be with us.

 

The problem is, we as men won't get any of that from a girl that has been around the block a few too many times. How do you show a girl off to your friends when she has already hooked up with a couple of them? How do you introduce a girl to your parents when she hooked up with the old guy that works with your dad? How do you look at her and feel lucky when you know that she has already been with 29812 other guys, and you are just 29813? The answer is, you can't, and you don't.

 

With all that in mind, as a guy, if a new girl hooks up with us on the first date, most of us know that it ain't special. If she hooked up with me on the first date, how many other dudes has she hooked up with right away? Sure, I was in on it too, but when you factor in how easy it is for women to get dates and how men have to really put the work in, it's really not the same. She could literally be blowing a new guy every day while I worked for 2 weeks just to get the one date with her. Hence the double standard.

 

Men can easily get dates as well. A lot of their problem is that some just want "hot" women.

 

And just because a woman sleeps with you on the first date, doesn't mean she does that with every guy.

[5x5]

Men like to be with a woman they can be proud of. We want someone we can show off to our friends, introduce to our parents, that sort of thing. We want to look at our woman and wonder how on Earth we got so lucky for such a great girl to wanna be with us.

 

You don't speak for all men.

 

I've enjoyed being with attractive women, because I was/am attracted to them. I've never felt the need to show off who I am with, to my friends or anyone else. All that matters to me is I am attracted to who I am with and that they are attracted to me and we enjoy spending time together.

 

I have never looked at any of the women I have been with and wondered how on earth I got so lucky to have a great woman want to be with me.

 

Of course they would want to be with me, such desire is normal.

 

The problem is, we as men won't get any of that from a girl that has been around the block a few too many times. How do you show a girl off to your friends when she has already hooked up with a couple of them? How do you introduce a girl to your parents when she hooked up with the old guy that works with your dad? How do you look at her and feel lucky when you know that she has already been with 29812 other guys, and you are just 29813? The answer is, you can't, and you don't.

 

I don't look at a woman I am with and feel lucky, nor feel a compulsion to parade any of them.

 

I'm attractive, they're attractive and we are attracted to each other, and it feels good being with them, which is what drives me.

 

I don't know about you, but I don't have sex with women and or ongoing sexual relationships with them for validation, ego gratification or to quell anxiety over insecurities.

 

If you are having sex to stroke your ego, it is highly likely you are having sex for the wrong reasons.

 

With all that in mind, as a guy, if a new girl hooks up with us on the first date, most of us know that it ain't special. If she hooked up with me on the first date, how many other dudes has she hooked up with right away?

 

If you're having sex with her on the first date, how many other women have you hooked up with right away?

 

Honestly I don't care who or how many, sex is fun to have. If someone likes having sex, good luck to them they ought to enjoy it when they can.

 

Sure, I was in on it too, but when you factor in how easy it is for women to get dates and how men have to really put the work in, it's really not the same. She could literally be blowing a new guy every day while I worked for 2 weeks just to get the one date with her. Hence the double standard.

 

Let's not pretend that aesthetically unattractive and or socially awkward women have an easy time getting dates either.

 

That said, speak for yourself. I've never had to work to get a date at all.

 

I answered a phone once to a Irish woman who was looking for a room to rent. A little while after telling her the room was not available and chatting a bit, she asked me out on a date sight unseen.

 

On a rare occasion I was home in that above mentioned shared rental household, a Japanese woman who had just started living there. After asking to look at my music collection, asked me to have sex with her after a few minutes.

 

I got on a bus once while inebriated after having sex with a woman in a pub one night, when at the end of that bus ride a woman who I barely spoke to that I met on the bus, pressed her number on a note into my hand. Whispered in my ear call me after giving me a kiss. The next day after calling her, I had sex with the woman from the bus.

 

I was at a university graduation party in a pub after the formal dinner, with a woman who I was in an ongoing sexual relationship with. When I was approached by four different women, two of them together asking me to dance with them in one instance and asking if I wanted to have sex with them.

 

I was on a playdate with my son and another married woman's son at hers, when she took me on a tour of her magnificent house, which led to her bedroom and an offer of sex if I were interested.

 

I was at a drinking establishment one evening when one of my work colleagues was trying to get into the pants of another one of my work colleagues. I ribbed him over his chances, when he made a bet with me that I couldn't do any better. I then asked her out, she immediately said yes and we enjoyed each other afterwards, while he got nowhere.

 

I smiled at a woman at a party said hi, then kissed her in short order, shortly afterwards we were having sex.

 

On one occasion while inebriated I yelled at a woman obnoxiously from a distance, she got angry came storming in my general direction asking who said it. When my friend gave me up, then she looked me up and down and said you're cute and shortly afterwards she took me home to hers in a taxi.

 

I met my ex-wife at an 18th birthday party, I was 17 and she was 16, we were both virgins at the time. She asked a mutual friend to ask me to talk to her. I did she told me I was beautiful and kept saying variations of the same. She was stunning as well. Shortly afterwards she asked me to kiss her, about an hour after that we started having sex and kept at it variously till dawn.

 

I met my current wife at work, she thought I was full of myself, and didn't like that I seemed to do as I pleased. Shortly afterwards she started chatting to me, then on hearing another woman at work was asking if I was available she asked me out on our first date. By our third date she had dumped the guy she was with and asked me to have sex with her. 22+ years later as always we are still having a kaleidoscope of frequent, fun, varied and exciting sex.

 

I've been asked out or offered sex by women at parties, pubs, clubs, work, public transport, in their homes, in my homes and the like. No effort or work on my behalf being required, it has always been pretty easy. When I was a young man that whole mutual lust at first sight vibe, was quite common for me.

 

On and on etc with other women and other occasions and not all of them had done that with other men, then there's the men that have tried to flirt with me as well.

 

Sure I have been turned down on occasion as well (I'm certainly not everyone's cup of tea), yet it wasn't often and I didn't want to be with people who weren't into me. So meh, next! Since someone else who was pretty, would be asking or saying yes.

 

Oral sex on a first date, whatever...

[5x5]

So, you don't have sex with women for ego reasons, you just write paragraph after paragraph online bragging about the women you have had sex with and how easy it is for you. Thanks for clearing that up.

 

You're mistaking being matter of fact for ego.

 

You said men can't get women easily, my experience does not reflect your claim.

 

I've always had sex because it feels good to have sex, sex is just sex.

[SevenCity]

You're mistaking being matter of fact for ego.

 

You said men can't get women easily, my experience does not reflect your claim.

 

I've always had sex because it feels good to have sex, sex is just sex.

 

Consider yourself lucky as most men do not share the experience you do.

 

What you describe is exactly the experience of a woman if she doesn’t have concerns about sleeping with too many guys too quickly.

 

I think it’s awesome you were able to get laid so easily, which perhaps makes you better able to understand the female side of the discussion.

 

I’ve had success with women, but there was always some amount of work involved.

[JuneL]

Consider yourself lucky as most men do not share the experience you do.

 

What you describe is exactly the experience of a woman if she doesn’t have concerns about sleeping with too many guys too quickly.

 

I think it’s awesome you were able to get laid so easily, which perhaps makes you better able to understand the female side of the discussion.

 

I’ve had success with women, but there was always some amount of work involved.

 

I also belong to the group who won’t feel comfortable being intimate outside of an exclusive relationship.

Edited September 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[dancingintherain12]

OP, if you're still reading, question.... on that first date had he stopped you from felating him, how would you have felt about that?

 

I ask because delaying sex, even overtly, went over exceedingly poorly with women of my generation that I dated, especially while still a virgin. Very unmanly, or so the tone of responses went. It was apparently like a rejection, like a man is getting a gift or something and he rejects it. I never viewed sex as a gift, not even while married, rather a method of expressing love. Was that wrong for my generation/demographic? Apparently!

 

What would you have felt/done if he had lifted your face from going down to his genitals and given you a kiss and said 'in time'?

 

FWIW, though this was well over a generation ago, I had to 'rush' sex to even get a modicum of dating flow going, at all. Why? If momma ain't happy no one is happy.

 

Does having sex too soon ruin things? IMO, no, not if the people are on the same page sexually. It's a compatibility issue. IMO, improve your social status to widen your dating pool to gain more diversity in male sexual and relationship styles. Stick with your style. Be you. If you means fellatio on the first date, OK. Go with that. Don't waste time with guys who aren't on the same page sexually as you are. Dating is very discriminatory. Do your part. It'll work out.

 

I probably wouldn't have cared and respected his decision

[thefooloftheyear]

I probably wouldn't have cared and respected his decision

 

Maybe you wouldn't, but there would be a thousand threads started on here with the title:

 

"I think my date/crush/new guy is gay"

 

:lmao:

 

 

TFY

[Kellens]

I think some posters are being too idealist about this

 

If a women gives a guy a BJ on the first date, he's probably going to think this isn't the first time she's done this. Do men AND women really want a partner who gives their date oral sex on the first date?

 

Maybe this is the first time OP has done this but the guy in question doesn't know that. He's probably thinking, based on the information he has, that she's more of a FWB than a gf. Women who prefer not to put their mouths around a strangers D have better chances of being a gf than women who don't.

 

Everyone can argue women have a right to be sexual and blah blah but the fact is, many guys don't view women who so loosely share themselves sexually on the first date as gf material

 

I'm not saying they're aren't relationships that have started off that way, but how many threads have we all read on LS about a woman having oral sex or PIV sex with a guy early on and he later ghosts her? I mean, let's not argue with that fact. LS is chalk full of them.

 

I don't know about any of you but there's no way in he** I would touch a guy in that way when exclusivity wasn't established and he might be out there having sex with other women. That's gross and dangerous in terms of STDs.

 

Everyone can try to put a pretty spin on this but many guys, especially guys under 30, don't see a woman who gives him a BJ on the first date to be gf material as evidenced by the countless threads documented that matter.

 

I'm willing to bet OP and this guy hit a dead end soon.

 

 

Dis! It's good to see you back

 

 

I agree with your post for the most part but I have been sexual with a guy without being exclusive, I don't think it's a big deal as long as you are careful. However, I never expected anything from them after. I am unable to have sex without developing some kind of attachment after but I knew that was on me, I can't blame the guy for that.

 

 

 

OP, A blowjob on the first date does seem a lot more intimate than sex for me, I've never done it. I don't judge you for it at all but you have to know that most guys (as you can see from the replies) will judge you. There's no point in getting upset at someone for how they perceive you. It might not be fair but it is what it is. If this guy isn't interested in you after early sex then move on. I can see from your other post that he isn't the only guy in the picture, so don't stress

[dancingintherain12]

Dis! It's good to see you back

 

 

I agree with your post for the most part but I have been sexual with a guy without being exclusive, I don't think it's a big deal as long as you are careful. However, I never expected anything from them after. I am unable to have sex without developing some kind of attachment after but I knew that was on me, I can't blame the guy for that.

 

 

 

OP, A blowjob on the first date does seem a lot more intimate than sex for me, I've never done it. I don't judge you for it at all but you have to know that most guys (as you can see from the replies) will judge you. There's no point in getting upset at someone for how they perceive you. It might not be fair but it is what it is. If this guy isn't interested in you after early sex then move on. I can see from your other post that he isn't the only guy in the picture, so don't stress

 

I get that. I’ve never given a BJ on first date I was just insanely attracted to him. And yes, it was our first date, but not our first time hanging out. We met on vacation and we made out and talked; that was pretty much it until he asked me on a date when we both got back home. Sex didn’t come with us until like the 5th or 6th time we hung out.

[nospam99]

I think the safest answer here is to say that it can ruin things.

 

Men like to be with a woman they can be proud of. We want someone we can show off to our friends, introduce to our parents, that sort of thing. We want to look at our woman and wonder how on Earth we got so lucky for such a great girl to wanna be with us.

 

The problem is, we as men won't get any of that from a girl that has been around the block a few too many times. How do you show a girl off to your friends when she has already hooked up with a couple of them? How do you introduce a girl to your parents when she hooked up with the old guy that works with your dad? How do you look at her and feel lucky when you know that she has already been with 29812 other guys, and you are just 29813? The answer is, you can't, and you don't.

 

With all that in mind, as a guy, if a new girl hooks up with us on the first date, most of us know that it ain't special. If she hooked up with me on the first date, how many other dudes has she hooked up with right away? Sure, I was in on it too, but when you factor in how easy it is for women to get dates and how men have to really put the work in, it's really not the same. She could literally be blowing a new guy every day while I worked for 2 weeks just to get the one date with her. Hence the double standard.

 

Mods, pin this post somewhere. And bold the last two sentences.

[dancingintherain12]

Mods, pin this post somewhere. And bold the last two sentences.

 

No, because I haven’t hooked up with your moms dad or hooked up with a million guys. Geez, I get sexual on the first date with a guy I’m into and met before and now I’m a slut who has got around the whole world. Boy, bye

[dancingintherain12]

Anyways, to the guys who says it does in fact ruin things:

 

How do you “fix” things?

 

Because that does not define who I am.

[nospam99]

Anyways, to the guys who says it does in fact ruin things:

 

How do you “fix” things?

 

Because that does not define who I am.

 

I don't think it necessarily 'ruins things'. The guy's dick doesn't magically appear in the woman's mouth on the first (or any) date without preliminary events and his cooperation. If he's the kind of guy who would be uncomfortable, I can't believe he'd have let the encounter get that far that fast.

 

There are men as well as women who are comfortable having sex quickly and with many partners. You used the word 'slut'. I think 'easy' is a bit kinder. Males may be called 'players', 'womanizers', or, in a bygone age, 'Lotharios'. Without turning this into a slang vocabulary thread, the only label I can think of quickly for the other end of the spectrum, is the insulting 'prude'. I don't know that you, or anyone who is comfortable with making a relationship sexual quickly, 'fixes' anything. I think they just do better 'being with' others whose comfort levels are compatible.

[bathtub-row]

I gave him a blow job on the first date, but we didnt have sex until we hung out like 8 or so times.

 

I’d suggest that you stop this behavior immediately. Why on earth would you do something like that with a guy you don’t even know? I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the one-month timeline but a bj on the first date? I’m sorry. That’s ridiculous. Whether it’s oral sex or actual penetration makes no difference - sex is sex.

 

And, yes, a LOT of men internally judge a woman who takes her clothes off too soon. That’s just the way the majority of them think. It’s not relevant as to whether they’re participating in the act. What’s relevant to them is that they want the sweet woman who doesn’t give it up easily who has too much self-respect to do that.