Does having sex too soon with a guy ruin things?

[newyorker11356]

I’d suggest that you stop this behavior immediately. Why on earth would you do something like that with a guy you don’t even know? I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the one-month timeline but a bj on the first date? I’m sorry. That’s ridiculous. Whether it’s oral sex or actual penetration makes no difference - sex is sex.

 

And, yes, a LOT of men internally judge a woman who takes her clothes off too soon. That’s just the way the majority of them think. It’s not relevant as to whether they’re participating in the act. What’s relevant to them is that they want the sweet woman who doesn’t give it up easily who has too much self-respect to do that.

 

Lol.

 

Giving it up too fast or not doesn't make you have any more respect. Doesn't mean anything.

[dateme]

i slept with him a month into knowing him but i am looking for a relationship and we havent had that talk yet..

did i mess things up? do guys view girls as not relationship material because she slept with him too soon?

 

I would say no.

[Versacehottie]

Guys like you make me very sad. Aren't you also the one participating in this too? Does that make you not boyfriend material? Ever thought to think she was actually vibing with you and doesn't do that with every guy?

 

Sigh. When will the double standard end.

 

Idk, do you want to vent on the subject or do you want to hear anonymously what people really think? Sure it's double standard but there is the fact that some guys will make a judgement off it.

 

You could just decide that you want someone who thinks like you do and that sleeping together on the first date is fine and you want a guy who is fine with that--thus him not being of the same mindset should be a turnoff for YOU. See?

 

OR you can err on the side of playing the odds and that considering that a significantly high percentage of guys think like that and that there's no way to know when you don't know the guy which type he is and you can't ask because you won't get an honest answer anyway, so hold back for your own best interests.

 

BTW, i think a lot of guys don't "like" it not because they all think terrible things about the girls they do this with but because they don't want to instantly find themselves in a relationship--something that often happens when things move fast. Probably often the fear of this, rather than the actual occurrence that causes this reaction.

[nospam99]

Sure it's double standard but there is the fact that some guys will make a judgement off it.

 

I came late to this 'party' and missed the original complaint by the OP about a double standard. In my perspective there is no double standard. If I was bi and a gay guy tried for sex with me on a first date, it would 'ruin' things just as much as a woman doing it. And if I tried for sex on a first date, I'd expect I'd be 'ruining' things for a woman who was not interested in a 'player'. Everybody has their own standards. I'm comfortable asserting that mine are non-discriminatory. I assume other INDIVIDUAL's personal standards are similarly non-discriminatory.

[damni]

OP, next time do not have any sexual advances with a man you are interested in having an relationship with. Blow job on a first date? not very classy I am afraid.

 

By waiting, you are able to weed out the meh guys. I have avoided sex with many men who turned out were trying to get one thing or just weren't relationship material. I did this by not having sex with a man until I could tell by his actions and words that he was genuine and was truly into me.

 

 

Took me a few missteps before I got there but you know...this guy was never a keeper for you. But if you held out, you would seen that.

[MaleIntuition]

I’d suggest that you stop this behavior immediately. Why on earth would you do something like that with a guy you don’t even know? I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the one-month timeline but a bj on the first date? I’m sorry. That’s ridiculous. Whether it’s oral sex or actual penetration makes no difference - sex is sex.

 

And, yes, a LOT of men internally judge a woman who takes her clothes off too soon. That’s just the way the majority of them think. It’s not relevant as to whether they’re participating in the act. What’s relevant to them is that they want the sweet woman who doesn’t give it up easily who has too much self-respect to do that.

 

Give it up? Give it up... So; this mentality implies that sex is something that is given (?) to the man from the women - completely ignoring the wants and desires of oneself? The underlying assuming: All men are only after sex and all women want relationships therefore sex should be used as a currency. Dingle it infront of his nose and perhaps he will accidentally catch feelings for you.

 

Don’t you realise how disrespectful this attitude is. To both men and women?

 

BUT it goes both ways, sex will not accelerate a relationship either, it simply should not be used as a strategic planning tool. Find out what you are comfortable with and stick to that whether that means no sex before exclusivity or casual sex on the second date.

[GoreSP]

Have sex too soon, and you're not relationship material. Wait too long and you're a stuck-up prude. Women cannot win, can they?

 

When, exactly, is the right time?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if people had a t-shirt with this info as it applies to them (ie 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, marriage) and wore ot on their first date?

[d0nnivain]

Anyways, to the guys who says it does in fact ruin things:

 

How do you “fix” things?

 

Because that does not define who I am.

 

I'm a woman. Of course 1 BJ or other sexual act doesn't define who you are. But you are a product of your choices. You chose to have sex with this man because you found him sexy & interesting. You wanted to have sex because it was fun. Own that! Let it empower you.

 

 

As for fixing his narrow minded judgmental attitude that you are some how "less than" because you two had sex . . . you kick him to the curb & go find a mature man who is not a judgmental jerk for condemning you for behavior he engaged in too.

[Imajerk17]

We get threads like here a lot. The REAL question being asked usually isn't the hypothetical "Does having sex too soon with a guy ruin things" It is instead "I just had sex with a guy and now he doesn't seem as interested--was it because we had sex too soon".

 

As for why this guy is pulling away it could be because (a) the sex wasn't that good for him for whatever reason (b) he realized that he wasn't really attracted to you © he was multidating--just as you are multidating--and he decided he liked someone else better.

 

By the way, (a),(b), and © aren't really gender-specific. Women have pulled away after sex too, sometimes after coming on pretty strong before that too. Read some of the threads from the confused guys about this.

Edited September 19, 2018 by Imajerk17

[bathtub-row]

No, because I haven’t hooked up with your moms dad or hooked up with a million guys. Geez, I get sexual on the first date with a guy I’m into and met before and now I’m a slut who has got around the whole world. Boy, bye

 

You can resist the mindset all day long and pretend it has no impact on your life and that’s fine. But the bottom line is, giving a guy a bj on a first date is just plain bad judgment. It’s not safe healthwise and it sends a very bad message. It’s one thing to do that with a guy you know and care about, it’s quite another to do it with someone you just met. Raise your standards because they’re extremely low. I think that’s what most people here are trying to say to you.

[Imajerk17]

Maybe you wouldn't, but there would be a thousand threads started on here with the title:

 

"I think my date/crush/new guy is gay"

 

:lmao:

 

 

TFY

 

 

Very good point @TFY. Our gender has a double-standard too applied to us when it comes to sex.

 

Many many guys on here have learned that if we DON'T make a move soon enough then the woman will conclude that we aren't interested, and then she will feel rejected and ghost/move on to someone else who did make a move (oxytocin).

 

You have to understand that dating for our gender is basically about recognizing and moving through green lights. As in, the light is green now but it won't stay green for long and once the light turns red that is basically it! It is an oversimplification of course, but a lot of truth to it.

Edited September 19, 2018 by Imajerk17

[pandagirl2018]

i slept with him a month into knowing him but i am looking for a relationship and we havent had that talk yet..

did i mess things up? do guys view girls as not relationship material because she slept with him too soon?

 

Did you have sex with him because YOU WANTED to have sex with him, or because he made pressure for it, you were affraid to lose him, or any other reason?

 

Because if you did have sex with him because you wanted to, who cares what he thinks?

 

You need to own your decisions like a grown woman, and if he doesn't like it, his problem.

 

Many guys that make the distinction between "relationship material" or not, are guys that are scared of the power of a woman who owns their sexuality and goes for it if and when she decides to.

 

They are insecure and don't know how to deal with this kind of woman, so they prefer a "relationship material", the ones that pretend they don't want sex straight away or repress their sexual desires in name of a "relationship".

 

That pleases their egos and makes them feel "in control".

 

Have sex because you want to, without expectations. It's the most liberating feeling in the world, because you know that regardless of what the guy thinks or wants, you'll always have yourself.

[dancingintherain12]

Did you have sex with him because YOU WANTED to have sex with him, or because he made pressure for it, you were affraid to lose him, or any other reason?

 

Because if you did have sex with him because you wanted to, who cares what he thinks?

 

You need to own your decisions like a grown woman, and if he doesn't like it, his problem.

 

Many guys that make the distinction between "relationship material" or not, are guys that are scared of the power of a woman who owns their sexuality and goes for it if and when she decides to.

 

They are insecure and don't know how to deal with this kind of woman, so they prefer a "relationship material", the ones that pretend they don't want sex straight away or repress their sexual desires in name of a "relationship".

 

That pleases their egos and makes them feel "in control".

 

Have sex because you want to, without expectations. It's the most liberating feeling in the world, because you know that regardless of what the guy thinks or wants, you'll always have yourself.

 

Love this. Thank you!

[guest569]

Love this. Thank you!

 

So is this where you were at? You went for it because you felt like it? Own it and don't beat yourself up over it. It was 1 date so you can't expect commitment and relationship labels so soon. The sex happened, it didn't change anything. I think you seem a bit unsure of yourself at the moment (from this and other threads) and have a little anxiety over dating. In early stages I do contemplate each step and assess where I am at and make decisions rather than act impulsively. That way I am confident and no one can tell me how to feel because I believe I'm making the right choices. Think about things "am I OK with doing a BJ outside of a committed relationship" and "if I never get a 2nd date with this guy, am I OK with gettung sexual'' stuff like that. Figure out your boundaries and principles to fall back on when in doubt.

[dancingintherain12]

So is this where you were at? You went for it because you felt like it? Own it and don't beat yourself up over it. It was 1 date so you can't expect commitment and relationship labels so soon. The sex happened, it didn't change anything. I think you seem a bit unsure of yourself at the moment (from this and other threads) and have a little anxiety over dating. In early stages I do contemplate each step and assess where I am at and make decisions rather than act impulsively. That way I am confident and no one can tell me how to feel because I believe I'm making the right choices. Think about things "am I OK with doing a BJ outside of a committed relationship" and "if I never get a 2nd date with this guy, am I OK with gettung sexual'' stuff like that. Figure out your boundaries and principles to fall back on when in doubt.

 

Yeah that is where I was at! I enjoyed myself. I know I don’t do that with every guy, so I can see why people or he would most likely think that but not everything is black and white in life. Thank you for all the advice, it’s helpful

[spiderowl]

It can ruin things if a guy has double standards (and many do) but then do you want to be with someone who judges women like that?

 

In my experience, what does ruin things (if ruin is the right word, which I doubt) is being too available and focused on a particular guy. If you are having to take the initiative all the time, he is not interested, forget him!

 

I think of the times when I was interested in a guy and took care to look nice, chatted when he was available, texted, and met up when he asked. Somehow, I felt taken for granted and as if I was waiting for him to want to be with me. Quite frankly, in those kinds of interactions he seemed to gradually lose interest and I just started feeling more and more vulnerable and undesirable. I think people (not just men) can sense when you are too interested and it puts pressure on them.

 

Somewhere along the line, I decided that the stress and hassle wasn't worth it and that I could 'take or leave' a relationship. Since then, things have changed dramatically, and I find guys really want to spend time with me. I'm older, I don't bother to 'put on a front' and try to be the perfect woman anymore and I tell them I have health problems so dating is not the best idea at the moment. Despite all this, they are not deterred. Weird but true!

 

I think it just takes the pressure off a guy really, though I wasn't conscious of applying any. Whatever the reason, it's a much better situation than the one I was in which just resulted in low self-esteem. I have a friend who is still in the 'got to make an effort and take the initiative' mode and things keep going wrong for her. She is an incredibly attractive women and should not be having these issues at all. I think the intensity just frightens guys away.

Edited September 22, 2018 by spiderowl

[coolheadal]

i slept with him a month into knowing him but i am looking for a relationship and we havent had that talk yet..

did i mess things up? do guys view girls as not relationship material because she slept with him too soon?

 

Is this you or someone you know? Because everyone here will say otherwise yeah or nah. This all depends on who she is her morals or what he thought about it. No one here can say otherwise but to me everyone is doing it early today no rules anymore the sky-the-limit goes around and comes back to bite you in the derriere!