Involved with a colleague in a relationship

[User123456]

Hello,

 

There is a guy in work who has a long term relationship. He lives in the same house with his girlfriend for almost 3 years. For the past 3 morning months we have been working closely together and he is flirting with me. He is constantly trying to find work to do together, asks me if I can stay late and if I am having good time with him. All this time he has never mentioned his girlfriend at all and every time someone else mentions her he doesnÂ’t even comment.

Last week he asked me if I could stay late and help him with something. I said ok and once we were alone he started discussing irrelevant things to work. I was sure he found an excuse to stay there and spend time together. His girlfriend called and he said that he wouldnÂ’t be late. He touched my hand accidentally and he came really close to me. I felt a tension but nothing happened. Then while we were leaving he asked me if I live alone and that he didnÂ’t have beers in home and I didnÂ’t have something to eat in mine and if I could drive him to his car which was 2 min walking. I did and we said goodnight.

Last night we hung out with some colleagues after work and he was there too. We went together with the same car which was something that I have proposed and he agreed. We have not talked or looked at each other the whole time we were there. We were both discussing with everyone apart from one another. Then when no one was looking he smiled at me. I was feeling a little drunk and I asked him to drive my car and he did. Once we ve reached his he went out of mine and was holding the door. He hugged me so strong with one hand in my back and the other on my neck and he was caressing my hair. Then he moved my head and I thought that he was going to kiss me. I felt it. He stopped for a second and then kissed me on my cheek not so far from my lips for longer than usual and from both sides while he was still holding me. I thought that he might continue kissing my lips but I felt awkward and moved away and said goodnight.

Is it all in my head? Is he just being friendly and I misinterpret his actions? Did he intent to kiss me or was just a friendly goodnight hug?

[Veronica73]

No, I don’t think it’s in your head. I think he is trying to start something with you.

[Starswillshine]

You want validation that some scumbag is into you? Really? You're getting ego boost because it feels like maybe this guy is choosing you over his girlfriend. Maybe you're so great that he would risk it all. Except that isnt in. You're addition. He isnt risking it all because he doesnt think he will get caught.

 

Run and check yourself and see why this might feel good to you. He is no good. He has a serious girlfriend. This should feel gross and nasty.

[solostand]

Run away. You don't need this in your life. Trust me.

[jah526]

Please don’t be alone with this guy. He’s hinting around about going to your place. The first time I let MM into my place he had his hand down my pants before I knew what was happening. This guy wants one thing and one thing only. Don’t be stupid like I was.

[BaileyB]

My bet is, you are not the first coworker's he has propositioned...

 

Don't stay alone with this guy. Keep it professional. Nothing good can come from this...

[Vivir]

Better safe than sorry, User123456.

None of us, nor you, can read this guy's mind, BUT all of us know he has a long-term, live-in girlfriend AND that he is being slick about putting the moves on you.

 

Reads like a set up to me. As in, he is setting you up to fall for him. If he can get you to fall for him, then you will be much less on your guard and he will likely get EVERYTHING that he wants with little to no effort.

 

Don't go there with this guy. If he wants to be alone with you, ask if his girlfriend will be joining you two.. If he wants to hug, kiss, sleep with you, and/or further waste your time acting like he is faking courting you, ask WHY he would insult you in this way. He goes home to this woman every day. It doesn't matter if he is late or not. It doesn't matter if he answers her calls or not. She is there. And I am willing to bet he wants to keep her. If he doesn't then, this is a different story... he would have to prove that he has broken up with her and moved out... and then it would be better for him to take time to get over having been in a long-term serious relationship... before dealing with you. He could leave her because he wants to be with you instead... but that is rare... so I advise you in this way:

 

Protect your emotional well-being. Don't go there, User123456. Back way off.

Edited September 17, 2018 by Vivir

[Rockdad]

If this goes any farther you will be crossing into the workplace drama zone. Read some of the experiences and issues that have been posted in here to consider.

[stillafool]

Yeah he might want you - but only for sex on the side. Not to make you his gf and he will want the sex with NO WORK DRAMA on the side. That is why he hesitated to kiss your lips. He is still wondering if you can handle sex with no drama or if you can be discreet.

[Ronco]

Don't go there! I did recently with an ex who has a gf and it was a mistake. We did clear the air and he told me I can basically have sex with him and see him when I want but he isn't leaving his gf and I of course want no part of it. This smells to me like the same thing - he will eventually make a pass at you and if you start something, you will be the woman who he has sex with and he will not leave the gf. STAY AWAY!

[User123456]

If that was the case, Wouldn’t he kiss me the other night? Although I thought that he would be distant after that he was very relaxed and the flirty. However 2 days after he seems that he backed off a little. I was the one initiating the communication today we didn’t flirt much & he just asked if I can stay late today.

[grass-hopper]

You want validation that some scumbag is into you? Really? You're getting ego boost because it feels like maybe this guy is choosing you over his girlfriend. Maybe you're so great that he would risk it all. Except that isnt in. You're addition. He isnt risking it all because he doesnt think he will get caught.

 

Run and check yourself and see why this might feel good to you. He is no good. He has a serious girlfriend. This should feel gross and nasty.

 

Listen to what starswillshine writes here carefully. I wish I had something like this when mine started. But to be honest my head was so up in the clouds for that attention and validation that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise.

 

You are worth more than some petty mans attention and flirting. Any man that would do this while in a relationship isn’t worth even entertaining. There are good unattached men out there who can give you that same attention. Because once you cross that line, it will eat at your soul. Not being the only one. Having to be second choice. Being the other woman. And if it works out you’ll always wonder if he’s doing to you what he did to his girlfriend. It’s a viscous cycle.

 

A few flirty moments aren’t worth what comes next. Believe me. Believe all of the posters on LS who are telling you to stay away. It’s not for our benefit. We say what we say because we’ve been there. And we know how this unravels. You’re here because you’re questioning it. That’s red flag number one.

 

I hope you take the advice. I so wish I had. I didn’t. I thought mine was different and special. It wasn't. It’s textbook to the rest of the stories on this board. They almost never end well.

Good luck to you.

[User123456]

Listen to what starswillshine writes here carefully. I wish I had something like this when mine started. But to be honest my head was so up in the clouds for that attention and validation that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise.

 

You are worth more than some petty mans attention and flirting. Any man that would do this while in a relationship isn’t worth even entertaining. There are good unattached men out there who can give you that same attention. Because once you cross that line, it will eat at your soul. Not being the only one. Having to be second choice. Being the other woman. And if it works out you’ll always wonder if he’s doing to you what he did to his girlfriend. It’s a viscous cycle.

 

A few flirty moments aren’t worth what comes next. Believe me. Believe all of the posters on LS who are telling you to stay away. It’s not for our benefit. We say what we say because we’ve been there. And we know how this unravels. You’re here because you’re questioning it. That’s red flag number one.

 

I hope you take the advice. I so wish I had. I didn’t. I thought mine was different and special. It wasn't. It’s textbook to the rest of the stories on this board. They almost never end well.

Good luck to you.

 

Thank you for your advice. I understand that you know better than me that feelings are hard to control and that although you know that something is wrong you can’t do much to stop it even though you know how it will end.

However I believe that he will be the one not to continue what he has started. The past 3 days he is acting distant and today I ve asked what s wrong and he said that he won’t tell me as I didnt tell him last week. Then we were fine again but the atmosphere was not like the other days. Then we stayed late again alone at work but no move was made and no conversation about what happened last week. It seems that suddenly everything is changing but without any profound reason.

[CKJD]

Thank you for your advice. I understand that you know better than me that feelings are hard to control and that although you know that something is wrong you canÂ’t do much to stop it even though you know how it will end.

 

Try not to view this as something you can't control.

 

Your emotional well-being is at stake here (as is your reputation) so you have every reason to stay in control. You might like him a lot, but remember you are only seeing surface level him so you don't really know him at all. Although you do know how he deals with relationship problems: by brining a third person into the mix. Reflect on that a little. You don't want someone like that.

 

However I believe that he will be the one not to continue what he has started. The past 3 days he is acting distant and today I ve asked what s wrong and he said that he wonÂ’t tell me as I didnt tell him last week. Then we were fine again but the atmosphere was not like the other days. Then we stayed late again alone at work but no move was made and no conversation about what happened last week. It seems that suddenly everything is changing but without any profound reason.

 

Living with a woman and crossing a boundary with a coworker is a VERY profound reason for him to stop in his tracks. Although I feel he is probably just guaging your next move and not reflecting on his crappy life choices.

But you both started this and, even though your brain is concocting excuses for further interaction with this chump, you are showing that you're willing for it to continue. You say he's the one winding this down but you still went fishing for answers and put yourself in the same position of being alone with him again.

 

Stop putting yourself in his orbit if you are certain this is a bad idea and don't worry about being "fine" with him. You should be focusing on work related conversation alone and avoiding his influence over your obvious attraction to him. If you keep this up, there is the potential he will drag you deeper into his web with a sob story and quickly have you thinking an affair is justified.

 

Also, as a side note, could you explain why ladies like yourself find these type of guys so attractive? Based on what you've described here he really does not sound like a catch at all.

[Garcon1986]

On some unconscious level certain women are very floored to try and choose a man who is not available - the unavailable man is more attractive. It's not a conscious choice I think.

 

It usually ends bad.

 

If you've never had attention like that before and you are relatively new to dating, it can be very mindbendingly pleasing.

 

Opening poster, keep your reputation and emotional well being in check! You will be hurt by this if you start pursuing him.

 

Certain women are more attracted to men who have choices.

[stillafool]

Thank you for your advice. I understand that you know better than me that feelings are hard to control and that although you know that something is wrong you can’t do much to stop it even though you know how it will end.

 

I disagree. You can make it up in your mind that this is not good for you and stop engaging. Plus this guy has a woman already so you know how this will end. You should have put the brakes on a long time ago.

[stillafool]

On some unconscious level certain women are very floored to try and choose a man who is not available - the unavailable man is more attractive. It's not a conscious choice I think.

 

It usually ends bad.

 

If you've never had attention like that before and you are relatively new to dating, it can be very mindbendingly pleasing.

 

Opening poster, keep your reputation and emotional well being in check! You will be hurt by this if you start pursuing him.

 

Certain women are more attracted to men who have choices.

 

Yes and people label women like this with low self esteem. I disagree they think very highly of themselves to think it's okay to try to break up a relationship or marriage.

[User123456]

Yes and people label women like this with low self esteem. I disagree they think very highly of themselves to think it's okay to try to break up a relationship or marriage.

 

I am not trying to break up any relationship or marriage. I was not the one initiating this. It’s his relationship and his call on how to handle this. If there was no problem with his relationship we wouldn’t do anything with me

[stillafool]

I am not trying to break up any relationship or marriage. I was not the one initiating this. It’s his relationship and his call on how to handle this. If there was no problem with his relationship we wouldn’t do anything with me

 

Is it his call on how to handle you? You are the one who is responsible for your choices, not him. He can fish but you don't have to take the bait. If you know he's in a relationship and still engaging him, you want him and have no problem interfering in his relationship.

[User123456]

Is it his call on how to handle you? You are the one who is responsible for your choices, not him. He can fish but you don't have to take the bait. If you know he's in a relationship and still engaging him, you want him and have no problem interfering in his relationship.

 

Well I believe that this is just flirting. I think that he is the one who’s trying to boost his ego and he does not have any intention of going it further with me and risk his relationship. Otherwise he wouldn’t have stopped kissing me and he would have tried to meet me outside work

[Ruffian1]

Then he moved my head and I thought that he was going to kiss me. I felt it. He stopped for a second and then kissed me on my cheek not so far from my lips for longer than usual and from both sides while he was still holding me. I thought that he might continue kissing my lips but I felt awkward and moved away and said goodnight.

 

Well, IMO he already knows he could have you to some degree.

 

You made no move to stop him

 

Did not ask him what he thought he was doing

 

Did not protest

 

 

And still keep engaging with him after.

 

Big ego boost to him, even if it didn't go further (kissing)

 

 

You made no protest. He knows you wanted it.

 

BINGO

[User123456]

Well, IMO he already knows he could have you to some degree.

 

You made no move to stop him

 

Did not ask him what he thought he was doing

 

Did not protest

 

 

And still keep engaging with him after.

 

Big ego boost to him, even if it didn't go further (kissing)

 

 

You made no protest. He knows you wanted it.

 

BINGO

 

We both want this but maybe in a different way. I am starting to believe that he will not do any move but he keeps me around cause he’s having a good time with me. Apart from that we have not ever discussed the “almost kissing”. Do you think that It’s about time to clear things between us? Maybe ask him to discuss?

[stillafool]

Discuss what?

[Veronica73]

Do you think that It’s about time to clear things between us? Maybe ask him to discuss?

 

God no. Discussing things will just make things awkward at work.

[User123456]

Discuss what?

 

Discuss what is happening between us. For how long shall we continue in this flirting mode? I think that we need to clear things and know where we stand.