Time to Dump? And How...?

[baroquechick]

Shoot. Great guy, lots in common including some really unusual interests. Things were incredible at the beginning, then starting in the spring he started being moody, withdrawn, not affectionate, seldom intimate. Couldn't put my finger on what had gone wrong.

 

He'd been in bad relationships before, dumped at the altar, and I was at the end of a divorce after 15 yrs married. To find someone that smart (I'm no dummy either), with the shared interests in outdoorsy stuff, science and math stuff, political stuff, symphony, travel, book collecting...well, it was almost too good to be true.

 

Guess it WAS too good to be true.

 

Turns out he was still with someone (casually, he claims) for the first two months we were together. Well, I got over that - OK, it was 2 months in and a stupid thing for him to do, but...she still works for his brother and, you know, I don't think he's ever told her that he has a girlfriend. She was sending invitational e-mails, and he ignored them rather than just say "I'm involved with someone..."

 

After he broke off that relationship, we got pretty serious. Talking about a future (although I was in no hurry), plans for trips, him professing lots of love, me reciprocating. Very passionate, very stimulating on all kinds of levels. WELL - turns out while he was professing all this 'love' he's e-mailed a 'childhood friend' with some pretty explicit invitations. I thought he was on vacation that week...he's trying to get something going. In the e-mail, I was referred to as "a nice lady at work that [he] does stuff with once in a while." A nice lady at work? Shoot, he was trying to get me to the altar at that point and talking about buying houses and all the rest.

 

His internet dating profiles never came down. Viewed lots of porn, which I can deal with, but the profiles bothered me.

 

Asked him a month or so ago - did he consider the relationship exclusive or primary, since it had seemed pretty exclusive to that point. His reply, after a long pause: "I am trying to think of what you want to hear."

 

I've broken off 3 times in the last 4 months. The last time...I was visiting my mother miles away who was recovering from surgery. Turns out, he's e-mailing an old flame ("I only slept with her once...we dated a couple times.") with very explicit fantasies, invitations to drinks, invitations to get together. Despite her apparently trying to downplay it and back off, he kept up the pressure.

 

Well, when confronted he said "She and I always write like that. I keep the e-mails for my porn folder..." I wondered whether SHE knew that...didn't seem like it. He never apologized, and only finally acknowledged that I might be hurt by it because "...I [me] wasn't understanding it in context." Not that he did anything wrong, mind you - I didn't understand it in context <groan>.

 

Thing is, he signed the e-mails with things like "With warm loving thoughts" and used terms of endearment that he'd used with me (and not "hon" or "sweetie" but "you sweet adorable angel you..." and that sort of thing). Got poetic and romantic...way beyond what I would consider just a cyber-sex e-mail (which I would *still* have a problem with).

 

And the profiles are still up. He knew that was an issue in my marriage that ended (XH had them up all thru counseling, LOL), but claims "he likes to look at the pictures." Interesting that all the pictures he looks at are of people in his immediate local area...

 

Interesting, too, that he directly and indirectly accused me of affairs from the beginning - despite having been faithful through 17 years of my relationship/marriage with XH, and ALWAYS having a gap of some sort between relationships. I never left someone for someone else, never had overlapping relationships, never cheated. And never gave him cause to think I would or did cheat. I had bronchitis in January - cancelled an afternoon together. He thought I was meeting someone from out of town (?!), and I ended up showing up on his doorstep with a 103 degree fever and hacking cough to prove otherwise. Is this because HE would have met someone, given the opportunity?

 

He has seldom said "I love you" in person since spring, and seldom signs e-mails with any affection. Just when I think that's it...he'll start up with the affection again.

 

But he seems to like having the activity partner - going camping, ballgames, concerts, etc. Yes, I know...he's got everything he needs right down to nookie, why dump me even if he feels nothing until he's found something better, right?

 

Things are going pretty well right now, at least in his view. I am thinking it's time to be done...but I don't want a blow-up break-up. I just want it to fade away. Is that possible?

 

- Can this relationship be saved? It really was odd to find all those things in common. Rare, and I thought pretty wonderful.

- He doesn't apologize, doesn't seem to have any empathy, is pretty unemotional although at the beginning he was very articulate about his feelings.

- I am a pretty level person emotionally...the usual stuff, but not a psycho-b***.

- Is it possible to let something like this fade? How? No contact? What if he wants an explanation? I thought that just saying "You know, you never answered the primary/exclusive question, and while I liked to think that we had a future, I was not getting the same feeling from you."

 

I guess I don't trust him anymore. I love him, I would love for us to work, but he doesn't want to talk about anything regarding the relationship. Gets angry and defensive from the get go.

 

I don't know - I've been reading these posts almost all morning on my day off, and you guys have great advice. Thank you (sorry for length of first post).

 

~BaroqueChick

[Mz. Pixie]

This guy is a serial cheater, you know it but you don't want to admit it. You seem pretty smart, why hold onto a guy who doesn't deserve you???

 

Is he your rebound guy?

 

I was married for a long time and divorced, so I know what you're going through. You say this guy is smart and has all the right attributes you're looking for and things that are hard to find?? There is probably a reason he's still alone. Think about it, he's lied about various things, why not lie about being left at the altar?? No matter what he's been through it doesn't give him the right to treat you like dirt. There are plenty of single guys out there that are smart that would love to find someone like you.

 

I have found a wonderful guy and remarried. He had told me he had a profile on Yahoo for dating so I checked it. After our first date he never checked the profile again......that told me he was a keeper. This guy is trying to keep his options open- thus, he's just not that into you.

[baroquechick]

Well, Ms Pixie - you may have hit it with the 'rebound guy.' Thing is, I wasn't even LOOKING at the time; had happily embraced being alone (with daughter) having been very content that way before, traveling, etc. He drops out of the sky, pursues relentlessly and all the rest, and I caved.

 

His family did confirm the left at the altar thing. But I know there's a lot more to that history than what I've heard. After that, he spent 10 years in a fog doing god knows what. The job history, 'relationships' and legal problems alone should have scared me off. If my best friend told me she was dating a guy like him, I'd tell her to run as fast as she could.

 

So why am I not running? Because he's had his act together for 2 years, except for that pesky little habit of shopping for women on the internet? Aaaaaaaargh!!!!

 

I agree there's definitely a reason he's still alone <grin>, and what is it that makes me think that I'd be treated any differently. I think he'd miss the company - not my company, just the company - but would probably within a day or two be out trolling again.

 

I am trying to figure out why, after all this time of being VERY careful who I had relationships with, I go off and do something like this so out of character?

 

And why is it so hard to leave, or stop seeing him, or answering those e-mails (as infrequent as as impersonal as they are...). Can I start no contact just out of the blue...just stop responding? Do I even have to explain why? (Yeah, I guess I'm just being a coward). Hard part - we work in the same building, so I'd still end up crossing his path once in a while.

 

I need to get out. I don't know how to do it...I'm not used to feeling this helpless or lacking in strength.

 

Thanks - you did peg it, and I feel trapped (thankfully not by marriage this time!), and just want to be done with it <sigh>.